Long Distance Relationship – Two Questions


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  • #722175 Reply
    peggy

    Well Kailyn,that sounds lovely-I hope it turns out to be everything that is good,and what you want and need!

    #722178 Reply
    Kailyn

    Thank you Peggy. I hope so.

    #722184 Reply
    peggy

    Keep us apprised!

    #722183 Reply
    peggy

    Keep us apprised!

    #722310 Reply
    Kailyn

    I’m not a romance writer…my apologies. And for the record, I don’t make out with my brother while walking around downtown. Or, ever. EW. Those last kisses on the hand and forehead were the sweetest things I’ve experienced in a long time. It literally made me a little dizzy. I’m trying to pace my excitement because, well, I’m afraid of it not being as real as I hope it is. I’m already so into this guy that it’s scares me a bit and I KNOW how that can turn out, so early on. I’ve read the cautionary comments and tales. What would you have said if I had gushed with all the excitement and emotion I was feeling? Probably that I was insane to feel that way after one date, despite all of the communication prior.

    He called on the drive back and just a bit ago, sent me some options for when I visit in a week and a half. I’m encouraged but I’m also scared that I’m already too invested and it will fall apart. Some of the reason goes out the window when you’re the one experiencing the feelings.

    I have a legitimate question for anyone with actual advice. How DO you balance the excitement and emotion you feel when you first begin seeing someone, with reasonable and prudent behavior? How can you be simultaneously vulnerable and cautious? Because for it to move forward, you really have to be both, despite the risk. Would love to hear from those who have successfully maintained that balance.

    #722314 Reply
    peggy

    That is a hard question and there is likely not just one answer as people as so different. I think if you know yourself well and have good intuition and instincts,you can tell when to “trust that you can trust”. I tend to go all in,that is-not act/be guarded with a man that seems a good fit. But,I also don’t let that show in my words or actions too much until,I am sure of him.
    You are right that you need to balance being open and being aware/observing. There is a book called something like ” How not to marry a jerk”. It is an excellent resource,written by a therapist about this very subject of balancing trust,risk etc. I recommend it!

    #722326 Reply
    Kailyn

    That’s an interesting title Peggy! I’ll have to look for it. :-)

    I still believe that while some men (and women) are inherently jerks, most aren’t and it’s more a matter of incompatibility than ill intent. I also tend to either go all in or “just know” that I’m not interested, pretty quickly. Not a lot of gray area.

    I haven’t been guarded up to this point and I don’t want my demeanor to change because the feelings have increased. My instinct and heart tell me that he can be trusted but my brain is throwing every possible negative scenario at me. Again, it’s tough balancing openness with caution when you’re the one in it. Thank you for your thoughts!

    #722327 Reply
    peggy

    I checked,it is by John Van Epp-“How to avoid falling in love with a jerk”. A great resource.

    #722328 Reply
    peggy

    Also,5 0r 6 hours distance is quite a bit and may be the biggest challenge here. Otherwise,it sounds very promising. My guy is a 3 hour round trip-an issue but we re worth the drive and will be living together soon.

    #722329 Reply
    Kailyn

    I know the distance will be a challenge. Honestly, I don’t think either of us could keep that up for more than six months, give or take. One of us (me, I’m sure) would have to move if we wanted to continue. If I didn’t believe that was a possibility, I wouldn’t even be considering this. My last relationship was long distance and a couple of months in we knew we wanted to be together so we set a goal of living in the same place by the end of the year (which would have been at seven months). The timeline worked out well in that situation but every relationship and person is different. I suppose that if we have several more great visits and want to continue, we’ll have to talk about it. I sure wish he was only an hour and a half away like your boyfriend!

    #722330 Reply
    Kailyn

    And thanks for the book suggestion!

    #722331 Reply
    Jacquetta

    I’m glad your date went so well.

    As for maintaining a balance! I am currently trying to do the same and this is what I have been telling myself – it’s early days so I can’t say it will work perfectly! I am telling myself these things because I don’t want a casual relationship, I am looking for something lasting. I think that is the same for you. Were it not the case, were I looking for some kind of FWB or whatever, I would be jumping into bed because I fancy this man so much!

    * The first date and first kiss were wonderful. Wait and see if it keeps being wonderful. Optimism is fine, fantasy is not!
    * However exciting – pace the dates. Give yourself time between to reflect. Once a week (in my case as distance is not a factor) – that’s good – consistent but not over the top.
    * Between early dates or conversations it may all seem a little unreal, like a dream. That’s OK, it will take time to know how real/lasting my/your and “his” feelings are.
    * Don’t offer or expect daily contact. In fact be wary if he seems to need constant texting. We (you and I, both men) are not teenagers who need constant reassurance, we have busy lives and commitments. Talk occasionally when arrangements need to be made. Then, by all means, have some adult conversation, catch up on one another’s news, but leave the deep talk about life and the universe, and especially about “the relationship” for face to face.
    * In fact, don’t talk about “the relationship” for quite some time – just enjoy one another’s company and see how it goes. It will either work, or it won’t. If it works there will be a natural time to discuss what next.
    * Own and enjoy your feelings of excitement, but don’t allow them to spill over into fantasy. And don’t tell him just how excited you are – just in case he’s a player, just in case it makes both of you rush, just in case….
    *Keep finding out more about him. Don’t ignore any niggles or red flags, however much you’d like this to work.
    * Don’t sleep with him until you feel 99.9% ready and 95% sure this is not all he is looking for. (Neither 100% because there are no guarantees.)
    * Talk about this with your close friends – they know you well and want the best for you – they will help you keep things in perspective.
    *In time try and see how he fits into your life by seeing him around your friends. This need not be a grand introduction – just go to an event you’d both enjoy where there will be friends around. Things like dinner parties can come later if appropriate
    * Do the same about meeting his friends

    I don’t expect I need suggest to you any more than I need tell myself to continue to do the things that enrich your life and to keep up with your friends.

    Good luck, keep
    us posted, try not to bother respnding to the trolls!

    #722339 Reply
    Lane

    kaitlyn, the answer to your questions is simple—TIME (many months)! The early stages are based on lust/infatuation but it rarely grows into a deeper truer love which is much CALMER because you’ve surpassed that stage and don’t have all those nagging thoughts, questions or insecurities like you do now.

    You have to reach that level and until then its all premature and need to remind yourself that nothing has really developed other than you enjoyed some time together—in say six months you might know but its really just a crap shoot as there’s no crystal ball to tell you what will or will not happen—if there was this this forum wouldn’t exist lol.

    #722357 Reply
    Kailyn

    Thank you Jacquetta. All good advice. I don’t plan to talk about the “relationship” until the point where sex might come into the picture. I’m definitely not looking for a FWB so I would want to make sure we’re on the same page. We have at least checked in with each other every day from the beginning the the communication can be a little sporadic. We’re both pretty busy so communication has peaks and valleys. We may text/talk a lot one day and very little the next few when our jobs get chaotic.

    What…I never said it was a done deal. *I* ended the date early in the evening on Tuesday because he’d been up since 4:30 AM and I knew that yesterday would be a full day. As for us getting together, we agreed we’d trade off with the driving, but we’ll see I guess.

    Lane…I know you’re correct. I’ve been though it. Once things settle down in terms of the newness and excitement, when you’re doing everyday life together, it either deepens into something lasting or it fizzles out. The only way to find out which is with time and yes, you have to be in the same place. Maybe I’m an eternal optimist but I have the feeling we’re going to find all of this out, over time. Trying (somewhat unsuccessfully) to practice mindfulness and not future think.

    #722540 Reply
    Confused

    Seems you are back pedaling. You say you want to be careful and make sure this isn’t fwb. After all the deep and dark conversations did you not talk about this connection at all. Seems off you would now want to be so careful when you made such a big deal that you were kindred spirits and all. I would have thought since you clicked so well over Skype that this would be more about next steps since you said you already felt you had 10 dates before meeting him.when the next big date with him.

    #723826 Reply
    Lurker

    @Kailyn, I’d imagine you’ve had another date by now? How is it going?

    #724765 Reply
    Kailyn

    Lurker…sorry, I’ve been extremely busy with work and family stuff and didn’t see your question. Yes, we have had another “date”. I spent the weekend in his city (I had a hotel and didn’t stay with him, though I did go to see his place while I was there). We had a fantastic time! Great rapport, high comfort level lots of playfulness and laughter, undeniable physical chemistry. We like to do many of the same things and have similar world views.

    We still haven’t slept together but he said that he would like to be exclusive and see only each other so I’m thinking that it will happen during the next visit (he’s coming back here in two weeks). The communication in between meetings has been quite consistent…texting, phone calls, video chatting and our conversations still cover all sorts of things with a fair amount of flirting thrown in. I’ve definitely fallen for him and he said he feels the same way. He speaks of the future in terms of “us”, “You’re going to get along great with my brother and sister in law when I take you to meet them”, “When we go on vacation next year, we should go somewhere in the Caribbean.”, “There are so many cool things about this city. It’s going to be so great when you live here and we can explore together.”

    Also, I’ve noticed a shift in how he communicates when he’s stressed (his job is quite stressful). There were a couple of times in the very beginning when he would suddenly become quiet, either when he was stressed or after he discussed something very personal with me. Now, (and it’s only happened a few times) he’s taken to calling me and saying something like, “If it seems like I’m quiet this afternoon, it’s only because I’m dealing with ________at work.” I’ll tell him not to worry about it or about me and to focus on what he needs to do. He’ll then ask me to tell him a joke before he gets off the phone, to make him laugh…then he really only truly gets quiet for maybe half a day before he calls or texts (I don’t consider a half day with no communication “quiet”; more like, “normal”, lol. But it’s cute that he tells me this.)

    Anyway, it certainly seems like everything is going great! I don’t pick up any weird or concerning vibes, the connection is amazing and I’m very hopeful that there is a real future here.

    #724801 Reply
    Mary Long Distance Also

    I am in a long distance relationship with a man I met on Match. He drove to me the first three times and stayed in a hotel. I drove to him the fourth and stayed at his house and we were intimate because I needed to see his life, his home, his city and make sure he was employed, sane and responsible first. Please be safe…. Please don’t get attached by phone before you meet? Please consider a safety rule and remember men are Hunters. Thus you are right to Never travel to meet a man on the first date. Suggest hotels for him to stay and NEVER let him stay with you on the first meeting. He should not stay with you until the third or fourth meeting. Short dates are best at first. I wish you well. Be careful and have fun but don’t be overwhelmed by his life. Please remain stable and independent and engage regularly in hobbies and outings with friends.

    #724863 Reply
    Kailyn

    Hi Mary…are you still with this man?

    We’ve actually already met three times. He came here (stayed in a hotel), we met in the middle (we stayed in separate hotels) and I went there (stayed in a hotel). The fourth meeting will be in just under two weeks. He’s coming here and will most likely stay with me.

    As for keeping busy, I agree. I’m usually busy with work, family and friends so I have that covered. Thanks for the advice!

    #733097 Reply
    Kailyn

    Just an update…we met again about a week after my last post. We had a long discussion about a situation involving his children and ex wife and after giving it some serious thought, it became clear that the issue was a deal breaker for me. I don’t want to get into the specifics and he did nothing “wrong”. I truly cared for him but I knew that it wasn’t something that would ever really work for me so I broke it off.

    Sad at the time, but better to make this decision early on than to get heavily involved with a man’s children and then realize it won’t work. Thanks to everyone for the advice.

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