Let Go or Be a Friend?

And, SS:

You raised an excellent possibility. I really do enjoy my chats with him, at least the ones we had a month ago. That he and I have not had sex, no sexting or anything like that, it could be we can segue to just friendship, especially since we work together and have mutual friends. I just need a reset of NC to see if friendship is possible.

This guy is really under your skin.

I don’t think this man will settle for “just friends” and I don’t know why you’d want to waste your time… look how he’s treating you. He’s being extremely disrespectful. NC isn’t going to change anything. He’s very, very damaged and he’s looking for female comfort. A “friendship” with him is going to be largely a one way street to his benefit.

I’ll repeat my original advice. Just let go. This man will hold you back emotionally and waste your valuable time. There are many other people who can have a healthy equal friendship that don’t need you to fix them or administer tea and sympathy.

K,

Yeah, the divorce has been final for a year, but she is asking for alimony (no kids). That’s what the upcoming trial is about.

Like every woman, I run scripts in my head of how I’d like it to be, which is why the advice I’m getting here is so valuable. I’m re-writing what’s in my head, so my behavior will follow. And, I have to remember the “rules” when a guy, regardless of divorce recovery, says he’s not available for a relationship. What he’s really saying is he’s not ready for a relationship with me. I missed that part ;) Hurts to even say it.

And, I take your point about the unlikelihood of being friends with him. He doesn’t treat me that way sending me love songs that I read into and it would be a one-way street. To that point, he seldom, if ever, asks about my life. Talk about a red flag!!! And, I overlook it because he’s in so much pain and that’s reason enough for me to write off his self-absorption.

I am writing out what I want to say to him. I feel so stupid for falling for this charade, as I took everything he said at face value. I trusted what he said to me. He manipulated me into thinking we should give it time, and after his trial is resolved, he’ll be ready to move on with “us.”

I do deserve better. Thank you, again :)

Liz,

I hear you, loud and clear. While I see the man he is (was) beyond the pain, I have no clue how long that will take for him to heal. He even told me he was a hot mess and I didn’t need that in my life. He is right, of course.

I agree he’s in no shape to be a romantic partner to me, although he came on very strong at the start “love bombing” me daily and making lots of plans for the future. Bringing me in close, talking about his family and otherwise being very open about his past and his goals. I got hooked.

I see what it is NOW and it has changed. Maybe he tried to be in a relationship, but realized he couldn’t do it emotionally. I’d like to at least give him that benefit of the doubt. But, I still need to let him go.

Jennifer, now you’re coming around.

When someone says “I don’t mind talking to him” it really means I don’t really want to do it but I don’t have the communication skills or the boundaries to tell him to go away. I”m not at all surprised to hear that it’s already pretty much of a one way street.

But whoa Nelly, he didn’t trick or manipulate you at all. Please don’t go into victim territory now. It isn’t about blaming yourself, it’s about taking responsibility and learning and getting wiser as you go. You didn’t set boundaries on him because obviously up to now you didn’t know how to do it. You did spot the bad behaviors accurately but you excused them rather than take them as signs to walk away. This is very typical of females who want too much to be helpful and kind, thinking they can rescue a guy from pain and get him to love her for it.

So now you know – when someone is leaning on you too heavily, AKA talking about themselves all the time and never asking about you, it’s time to pull back. Now you know that a man still involved in any kind of litigation with an ex is NOT for you to date or be buddies with. Look at all you just learned! This is a good thing. He’s done you a favor and the price you paid was relatively small.

Do not feel stupid or beat on yourself. Also, in this particular guy’s case, I don’t think he’s fit for a relationship with ANYONE at this stage. If he gets ordered to pay alimony, it’s going to suck for the next woman in his life for more than one reason. You see, this really isn’t the guy for you plus you just learned a lot.

Write him a VERY short note or text and leave it at that and then do not engage with him further. Block him if you need to.

Chin up!! You’re on the way up now!!