Is this guy being too much too soon? Am I overreacting?

I have gone on 3 dates with him because I do feel like overall he is a good guy with a good head on his shoulders and I’m trying to base my feelings for someone on how much effort they put in rather than all on how much I like them (independent of how a guy treats me). He’s 6 years older than me so this may be a factor in his behavior.

I don’t get it. You aren’t attracted to him. Why ask strangers who you should date? If what he did felt uncomfortable, then move on. I don’t get your issue about the broadway play. Sounds like he spent time getting to know you and then shared info about himself and his job which you found overwhelming? Guys pride themselves on their jobs. Not sure why you would tell a man you barely know about your anxiety. That’s on you if he picked up and ran with it. A man helping to put your jacket on is pretty normal do you ever date? He stroked your hand to be intimate. Apparently you don’t get how touch can bring in closeness or intimacy? While he offered to buy you the cheese board. He hasn’t, has he? So what’s the issue. He was being nice and may never actually even do it. If his job is difficult why is that so odd for you.

Nothing you write sounds off except you.

I’m not detecting any red flags here yet. So far he sounds decent. If you don’t want him I’ll take him. He sounds thoughtful and considerate. Maybe trying too hard but he also probably really likes you.

The only relationship experiences I have had started with me and the guy being friends and then progressing into a relationship as we became more and more attracted to each other. In those situations I felt I had plenty of time to get to know a guy before we became official. Obviously that is not the only way to a relationship but this is all new to me. Maybe that’s what I struggle with. I get your input and thanks for it

To me, it sounds like you aren’t actually that into him. I too would have been uncomfortable with him pointing out and stroking a rash I was self-conscious about, regardless of how much I liked the guy. But all the other stuff I don’t think would bother you if it was someone you were really keen on.

The biggest problem I see is you take things too seriously and need to lighten up a bit. He seem to be showing interest, concern and care which are qualities a lady should be looking for in a long-term partner.

It would be normal to ask harder questions when dating out of the gate with a stranger v. someone you’ve gotten to know over time in a non-dating atmosphere because you have no preconceived objective or goal other than getting to know each other like you do with any person, male or female, you want to get to know better and like hanging out with.

When you date strangers then you have to anticipate these kind of questions because they are coming into it with a blank slate, so it’s more akin to ‘speed dating’ when you have very little information (which could be untrue) before one is able to form a true opinion of the person. It takes a long time to really KNOW someone very well; where even people you believed you knew really well can do some crappy stuff that you would never believe they were capable of, so it’s a crap shoot whether you know someone well or you don’t as to whether or not they will make a good can only be determined by the amount of time you can tolerate each other…four months; 11 months; 3, 7, 24 or 52 years?

You want to remove the red flags as fast as possible so you don’t waste your time getting to know a stranger you really don’t want to get to know better due to them not being in the right headspace (just came out of a relationship/divorce); or having contrasting values (beliefs, finances, marriage, kids, etc.) For instance if you ask a guy what his thoughts on marriage and kids are and he answered “I don’t want to ever get married and have kids” and you do; them obviously it would be a complete waste or yours and his time to proceed with that kind of disqualifying information up front.

This sounds like my fiancé when we started dating! It freaked me out. I was seeing a therapist at the time and she helped me learn to accept love from someone. I’m glad she did because I would have given up on the best person I know. He is generous (he literally takes random homeless people shopping or gives them his sleeping bag or the coat off his back). Because I grew up in an abusive situation someone wth so much passion and generosity made me feel like he had an agenda. It finally hit me at some point that he just wants people to feel happy and he has the courage to make it happen rather than fall in line and be like everyone else. He’s a good man and my life got so much better once I was able to not get my own feelings all mixed up in who he is. Plus, he’s my super sexy silver fox!

Hey everyone! Thanks for the input. I think I’m going to continue to observe him and also continue to meet other guys. I just haven’t been with a guy who was this eager in the early dating phase but I am also aware I may have my own hang ups about intimacy. I’ll see where this goes and how I feel one step at a time.

Personally, I think he sounds like a weirdo at worst, and not for you at best,, and I think you know it. You wouldn’t be posting here if you didn’t have a gut feeling you found him off putting.

Okay, Grace, my suggestion to you is based on my experiences when I was out in the real world (aka “not married”).

I don’t know how your experiences with guys have been, so I won’t opine on whether or not your discomfort was justified or even understandable. We all react to events and actions differently – based on our past experiences.

If you like this guy in general and you’d be walking on sunshine if the actions you describe didn’t occur, sit down with him and tell him that you really like him, but that these specific things make you uncomfortable. Be prepared to tell him exactly how you’d rather he act; for example, “It’s great for you to hand me my jacket, but I can put in on myself.”

Don’t drop him without talking to him about it.

I did that more than once and after I grew up (I would say “a bit,” but it was actually “a lot”), I realized that with at least two guys, sitting down with him and saying, “I really enjoy sex with you, but I told you from the start that I’m a) with other guys or b) I don’t feel comfortable with taking this relationship out into the open or c) moving to be with you/how close you want to be” – well, you get the idea.

If you talk to him and he tells you that his actions reflect how he was raised and that he doesn’t want to/can change them, then you can tell him goodbye, knowing that you tried your best to work things out and that this was a relationship that wasn’t meant to be a viable one.

Because I felt that I was being crowded – and because I was 21 and didn’t have the experience or understanding that I might be able to save really fun relationships if I had just talked to the guys about my fears – I just cut off all contact with them. No explanations. Nothing.

Talking it out can help both of you make adjustments for each other – and it can help both of you realize that you aren’t compatible.

Talk to him.

Good luck, sweetie.