This topic contains 25 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by T from NY 6 months, 2 weeks ago.
May 12, 2022 at 5:27 am #933367
He has been my boyfriend for a week now. Yesterday, he asked me for permission to have a female friend come over to his place for some days so that he could teach her some content writing. He told me that they are purely platonic and that I could go to his place anytime I want.
Of course, I couldn’t tell him not to have a female friend over since he’s an adult. I told him that I have no problem with it. And, I’m not going to go to his place when that other girl is there to check on them. I’m not that kind of a person.
But I feel this situation is weird. I feel some type of hate toward that female who is at my boyfriend’s house right now. Like, how is she just comfortable going to stay at a guy’s place for some days.
Also, I have to say that I saw no point in saying no since he had been planning to host her for long while.
My boyfriend has been calling to check that I’m not insecure about the situation. And all I tell him is that I’m fine.
Anyway, I’m texting here to ask if this is normal…for a guy to host a female friend who he says is platonic or am I trying to cause issues where there shouldn’t be any problem.
Second, is it okay for me to continue dating him??
I agreed for him to host her for some days because it was not my place to prevent my one week boyfriend from hosting her.
Thank you for reading and your advice.May 12, 2022 at 5:33 am #933368
lots of questions here:
who is she to him, how do they know each other ? why can’t she stay somewhere else? how far does she live that she needs to stay at his place?
if they are friends fair enough but if there is some student teacher vibe then if i was her I would feel uncomfortable staying at someone’s house.
why does she need to anyway? you can teach online these days?May 12, 2022 at 5:52 am #933369
He told me they are friends. Apparently, she stays at another university. I don’t know why she can’t stay somewhere else. I don’t know why he felt the need to host her. I don’t want to interrogate him on these things if he didn’t tell me them. He just says they are platonic friends.May 12, 2022 at 6:25 am #933371
If you didn’t like the idea, why didn’t you say so?May 12, 2022 at 6:37 am #933372
and how long you’ve known him for? Because a guy you date should’ve mentioned earlier that he has a friend and ideally he would be happy for you to meet her.
I understand why you didn’t say anything to him, cause I wouldn’t have either but if he said you are ok to come over then maybe you should do that, in fact I feel like he should be the one saying, that he wants you to meet her?May 12, 2022 at 7:21 am #933373
I’ve known him for some years…not closely though but we used to be friendly. He says it’s okay for me to go over to his place but I won’t do that. I won’t police him.
My issue is this…that lady will be sleeping there for some days. Is this q normal thing for a guy to host a female friend that he claims they are platonic.
I assume that if I was to host a male friend, he shouldn’t have a problem with it, I’m wondering if it’s healthy for two people to give each other permission to host a person of the opposite sex in their house.May 12, 2022 at 9:06 am #933376
There are so many things here…
First, you were asked and it is bothering you but instead you lied. Why? What purpose does that serve in the long run? You could have said “Yes, I’m uncomfortable but I understand this is your friend. Maybe there is a way I could feel more comfortable about this.” Or something along those lines. Instead, you chose to lie. Now you will have anxiety until the friend leaves or until you realize they are literally just platonic friends.
How long has he known her? Was this stay planned before you came into the picture? Why should she have to change where/who she stays with just because you have an insecurity and couldn’t be honest with the man you are calling your boyfriend?
It sounds like he is doing everything to be transparent with you. Stop by while she is there. That’s the only way to know for sure if there is anything between them.May 12, 2022 at 9:45 am #933382
I said I didn’t have a problem with his friend visiting because I didn’t think it was my place to decide who comes to his place…also considering that we have been dating for a week.
I really don’t know how long they have known each other…I think it was a planned visit. He just asked me suddenly and I didn’t even have time to think about it, I just said that it was okay. Within a few hours of talking to him again, the friend had arrived.May 12, 2022 at 9:50 am #933383
ah so he didn’t really ask for your opinion , because you are now saying that he did ask but his friend arrived within few hours so it was all pre-planned before he asked you anyway.
have you met any of his friends?
Like others said if you want stop by or suggest going out for food together , see how he reactsMay 12, 2022 at 10:01 am #933385
Yees. Seems like it was pre-planned. The friend actually arrived late at night.
Yes, I’ve met some of his male friends.
If I suggest meeting her, it will seem like I’m checking up on both of them, yet I don’t want to be that kind of a person.
I guess I’ll just have to suck it up.
What I mostly wanted to know is if this is normal and okay… Asking for permission to have a platonic friend stay over for some days.
Also, wondering if I should date someone who puts me in a position of having to decide if it’s okay for him to have female friends stay with him.
I’m just feeling the vibe that we don’t have similar principles.
If it was me, I would not even have asked him for permission to have a male friend at my place. I would have looked for another place to sleep or just tell the male friend to look for another place to sleep.May 12, 2022 at 10:11 am #933389
he didn’t really ask for your permission, well he did but like you said it was pre-planned so I am guessing if you said no I am not ok with it, he probably would’ve invited her anyway .
if you met her before or he was keen to introduce you then I would say it is perfectly fine but you don’t really know who she is, for all we know it could be his ex girlfriend.
I know a lot of men who rent their rooms out to women , I understand it is a different arrangements but same principals I guess if it is platonic.
I also feel like you saying you don’t want to be that kind of woman to check up on him? why? he said you can come and visit so why wouldn’t you?
does that mean you are not going to be seeing him this week? this is what is strange to me not the fact that he has someone staying with him.May 12, 2022 at 10:20 am #933390
Honestly, I feel like if I go there I’ll ask that lady to leave.
I don’t know if I’ll be seeing him this week because I’m trying to decide if dating him is worth it considering that he asked me for permission to host a female friend for some days. If positions were reversed, I couldn’t have asked him for permission to host a male friend. Does that mean we don’t have similar principles?May 12, 2022 at 10:43 am #933394
If this upsets you this much & you aren’t able to be honest with this guy, you need to break up with him & walk away…May 12, 2022 at 11:27 am #933397
So let me get this straight…
You have been dating 1 week. He informed you/asked you about female friend staying. You didn’t feel it was your place so stayed mum. Now you are questioning whether you have the same principles even though he has been transparent, honest, asked your opinion (most likely to ease any insecurities), and said you can come/go as you please while she remains yet you are going to stay away because you may ask her to leave?
Did I get that right?
If you had a pre-planned visit from a male friend (nothing more just platonic and possibly work related) that you’ve known for many years then got a boyfriend of a week you would say that friend was no longer welcome to stay with you? I’m sorry but my friends will be around long before and will most likely be around long after bf so I doubt that I would change my life/pre-planned activities for a week long relationship. I would however do everything in my power to include my new bf/relationship to make sure he was secure in knowing my friend was just a friend.May 12, 2022 at 1:00 pm #933401
He’s told you she’s staying there. He’s checking in on you to make sure you’re not upset (showing consideration of your feelings). He’s invited you to go there any time.
He told you she’s a platonic friend and it sounds like he’s going to teach her things related to work.
You’ve been his girlfriend for a week.
You know what came before you?
His entire life.
So you’re new to the party here.
But aside from that even… let me ask you a mindset question.
(And really take a moment to consider this question, let the question sink in before you answer…)
Are you “just another girl” in his life, among the 3.5 billion “other girls” on the planet…
Or are you HIS ONE WOMAN… are you the queen in his world?
If you’re the queen, then you don’t care about this girl.
You’re the queen. She’s just a girl, one of the 3.5 billion on the planet.
You’re the queen. What would the queen do?
She’d do whatever she wants to do.
If you want to see him, you’d go see him and hang out with them.
You’d graciously welcome her and get to know her.
Why? Because you’re the queen, he’s the king and she’s visiting the kingdom.
This is your kingdom.
Are you just another girl… or are you a queen?May 12, 2022 at 1:17 pm #933402
My opinion is different here.
My advice to you is be that kind of person that checks up on your man. Don’t be naive or try to portray yourself as the cool gf because that’s how men takes you for granted. That’s how they abuse your trust. Happened to me. It’s already late in your situation because the girl is already there (and lord knows what might have already happened) but to be honest this is not okay no matter how much he’s offering you to come over or checking on you emotionally. Telling you to come over is not enough, unless he is asking you to come sleep over the entire time the girl would be there then that might be different. And he knows this is weird. He knows HE wouldn’t be okay if the situation was reversed.
Maybe I’m scorned because I’ve been cheated on but there is some truth in what I’m saying so don’t ignore it. Not encouraging you to be paranoid now but personally I wouldn’t have accepted this situation.May 12, 2022 at 3:54 pm #933407
You don’t need us to tell you if it’s okay because we’re going to have a range of opinions. I personally think it’s okay that his friend is visiting if he hasn’t yet given you a reason to doubt him, because you should be building trust with each other. And also because I have close platonic only male friends whom I have stayed with and traveled with, and it didn’t mean anything more and it’s not like we were sharing actually sleeping accommodations such as a bed!
If you are not comfortable with it though, your feelings are valid. You may want to think about why you’re not comfortable with it. Perhaps you don’t know each other well enough yet to trust him, and that’s okay, it’s only been a week! Maybe it is jealousy, insecurity, or being hurt in the past, which is also okay, but then you’ll need to remember that none of that had anything to do with him so he deserves a chance to show you who he is without projecting any assumptions onto him. I could understand your concern more if he was not being so transparent, but it sounds like he has nothing to hide and has offered transparency short of setting up an actual hang out introducing the two of you. My personal opinion is also that it’s fine for you to tell him you’re not totally comfortable with this and certainly won’t be checking up on them, but it would be nice for you to all meet up for lunch or something and get an introduction. You don’t get cool girl points for stuffing down your own needs when it’s better not to play games so you can both honestly gauge if you’re a good match for each other. I’m sure this type of situation will come up again in the future if you stay with him.
Which means being honest with yourself about whether or not his having close female friends will be a dealbreaker for you is also important, and it sounds like you’re trying to figure that out. I absolutely know some people for whom it would be, and that’s fine, they end up finding guys who feel the same way and everyone shares that value. That wouldn’t be a good match for me and I wouldn’t be for someone who wants that either, but there’s nothing wrong with being either way. As long as this isn’t coming from a place of deep mistrust or insecurity and it’s just you knowing what you want, then you should be able to figure out what you want to do next from there.May 12, 2022 at 6:04 pm #933411
He did everything right and yes, it is totally ok that he has her stay as a friend. That is not asking to be abused, it is creating trust. Because any person can cheat at any time. So there is either trust or there is not. And Hurray for Eric.May 12, 2022 at 6:51 pm #933413
I’m with Eric and Tallspicy.
I understand exactly how you feel and why you acted the way you did. I think I’d be exactly the same, including doubting the whole relationship and considering bailing. Why? Because I’m scared to death of getting hurt, humiliated, rejected etc etc etc.
Easier to walk away right, than deal with any of that pain-filled rubbish.
The trouble is, if you walk away it doesn’t mean a similar situation (ie one that invokes these feelings) won’t arise in the future. Plus if you hide away to avoid dealing with these feelings, it’s likely that resentment will still be there and may raise its ugly head later on in the relationship if you stay in it.
This is a golden opportunity for you to really raise your game in dating/love. That’s why I agree with Eric and Tallspicy. This is about self-esteem and trust. This is about a shift in mindset. And the way this is being presented to you is powerful.
Be the Queen. His One and Only in Love. Be it, feel it, enjoy it and rock it whatever you decide to do. Be gracious and generous in your role. He’s making all the right moves to give you reason to trust him, despite this prior arrangement. I bet he was super worried about to handle it beforehand and is still panicking he’s going to lose you. You’re clearly very important to him.
I admit, I don’t like the whole platonic friend staying over scenario. It’s not something I’d encourage for obvious reasons. The question is how to deal with it in a way that makes the situation go away (for good) and you can get back to being super-into your guy, and if this turns out to be your marriage guy in the end, 20 years from now in the future this will be a funny story you’ll tell your kids about when you first met.
Be the Queen Chloe. Know your worth. Survey your territory or don’t. It almost doesn’t matter, it’s the high regard you pay yourself in this relationship. He’ll feel it. You’ll feel it. It will empower you to have a conversation if it’s needed, or maybe even find you’ve dealt with it naturally somehow anyway. And it will empower him to make the right decisions by you too, now and in the future.
Be the Queen Chloe. 👸🏼💞😘May 12, 2022 at 6:53 pm #933414
* about when you first started datingMay 13, 2022 at 5:01 pm #933437
The advice here really helped me and I realized I really have nothing to worry about. And I talked about it with him.
I’m the Queen…May 13, 2022 at 5:54 pm #933438
Wow, Eric! You’re advise was AMAZING here!!
Glad it worked out for you, Chloe :)May 13, 2022 at 8:56 pm #933448
This is so great, I love it when Love wins out! Can’t stop smiling now 🥰💞🥰😊🥰💞🥰😁
Chloe, you’ve totally made my day with your great news, you are so cool. Regally cool! ✨👸🏼✨
And I’ve just reread Eric’s post, and let it sink into my mind too, this is how I’m going to be too!!! 💖🌟May 13, 2022 at 9:05 pm #933449
(Caveat: when I find my King! 😄)May 14, 2022 at 12:21 am #933454
It was me:
1. I would have told him I do feel uncomfortable if I did feel uncomfortable.
2. Then I would have wanted to how he knows her, who are the mutual friends etc. If he happened to become friends with her at a bar or something then I would find it very fishy that she is coming to stay over. But if she is sone legitimate friend from school, college, family, neighborhood, without any history I wouldn’t have a problem.
3. It’s a rule I have, I don’t date men who are very close friends with females or exes.
4. All is not lost yet. You can still ask these questions and go and visit.
5. It is totally possible she is some girl that he met on an app and wants to impress her by teaching her content writing while he still has you. If she does end up getting impressed she will progress from friends to gf and you will be tossed aside. So do all the grilling and find out if this is some plot behind your back.
6. I know everybody here is saying he is being transparent etc but I don’t buy that. I sort of feel just like you do: there is no need why I would bring some random male friend at my place, that my bf doesn’t know, to my place for teaching him cooking lol. I mean it’s totally possible to learn it online from me, or watch cookery shows etc. There is literally no need tbh unless and until they are really old friends and there is really no other way.
7. My male friends always try to meet outside or atleast try to maintain good relations with my bf and are always known to him. My bf would get upset too if some strange guy I going to come and live with me.
8. I think it is perfectly okay for couples to talk about how to deal with friends from the opposite gender as it does lead to friction. I agree that friends are forever but if your gf or bf is so temporary then let them go. Most couples I know don’t meet their friends from the opposite gender alone. They tend to meet in groups or wherein the gf/bf can socialise with them too. And that’s the only normal way to be in relationships for most people’s comfort.