Is it me?


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This topic contains 17 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Lane 2 weeks, 6 days ago.

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  • #777740 Reply

    Samantha

    So I’ve posted about this guy before. I am just so confused on what to do. I feel like every day I never know what side of him I’m going to get. One day he’s showing interest, the next day I won’t hear from him or he’s very short.

    This weekend he went out of town. I texted I hope he has a safe trip, he never responded until the next day. Didn’t contact me the entire weekend and it’s now Monday still haven’t heard from him. Am I being too needy or reading into things? I’m so tired of these guessing games. It’s such a sucky feeling to feel when you’re putting in energy into someone and not getting the same energy back. And it sucks because I like him, I feel I may have scared him with my actions (see previous post) and now it’s too late.

    #777743 Reply

    Tallspicy

    I do not remember the backstory. But, men who want to be boyfriends act like boyfriends. Not sometimes, but consistently.

    And never again wish a man a safe trip. A. Yawn. B. You are not his mother.

    If this man is not your boyfriend, you should not be initiating anyway. And if it is longer than 8 weeks, he never will be your boyfriend so let him go. 12 weeks latest!

    You should not be putting your energy into someone who is not investing in you. So stop leading. Meet other men.

    #777749 Reply

    hs

    Never wish a man a safe trip? Really, i would never date anyone who follows this type of advice. A man wishing me a safe trip indicates care to me, which i appreciate, not that he’s boring and my mother. why do we all advise each other to be rude to catch a guy?

    #777748 Reply

    Samantha

    The backstory was basically me telling him that I was not looking casual. He seemed to pull back a little after that but still in contact. If he was not at all interested, why even continue talking and seeing me?

    And the reason I texted him have a safe trip is because I was responding to his text and it just so happened it was the day he was leaving, I didn’t think of it as being motherly. But being as though I haven’t heard from him, maybe that turned him off. Idk —i just wish I can know what it is that he is feeling or why he’s distant ..if I know then maybe I can make smarter decisions going forward in dating and know my mistakes and where I go wrong. This feeling sucks so bad, makes me feel like I am not good enough.

    If he reaches out (which at this point I don’t even think he is) should I respond, or just move on?

    #777750 Reply

    Anon

    This guy is the classic example of a person wanting friends with benefits. You did nothing wrong. Told him what you were looking for and his true colors came to light. That’s all you need to know. Within three months max if a guy is not your boyfriend, that’s exactly right he’s not trying to be. I think we as women oftentimes divert to thinking we did something wrong by being upfront. That is what a decent person should do.

    #777751 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    If a guy is interested in you romantically, wishing him a safe trip will do nothing to change his feelings for you. So I wouldn’t worry about whether that turned him off. If his opinion of you is affected by something as innocent as that type of comment, then he was never that into you to begin with. (For the record I’m with hs, I don’t think it’s a big deal one way or another- I think saying “have a safe trip” is pretty common, from coworkers to friends to families to yes, romantic partners. And I don’t think it’s healthy to overthink every single little comment we make to guys we’re interested in).

    The larger problem is that you’re saying you’re giving this guy a lot of effort and energy, and you’re not getting it back. You ask “If he was not at all interested, why even continue talking and seeing me?” Because it’s an ego boost for him to get your attention. It’s an ego boost for him to see you want him when he doesn’t want you. He might be hoping he can get you to sleep with him, eventually. The point is, you’re wasting your time and energy on this guy.

    If you want to make smarter decisions moving forward in dating, which I totally applaud you for wanting to do, then realize when a guy is just stringing you along for an ego boost and drop him. It’s not that you’re not good enough– you are. You just feel like you aren’t when you stick with guys who are not reciprocating your interest. Keep dating and find a guy who is into you. A guy who is into you won’t let days go by without contacting you. Tallspicy is right that men who want to be boyfriends consistently act like boyfriends. When you’re with a guy who wants to be a boyfriend, it’s staggeringly clear. (I know this from my own experience, trust me!)

    Bottom line, don’t beat yourself up over some guy who isn’t even responding to your texts! I strongly advise you to move on.

    #777753 Reply

    Tallspicy

    You are a woman so of course you want him to show he cares by wishing you a safe trip. Men are not the same. All I am saying is add value when you communicate – value is fun and playful for a man. Value for a woman is protective and providing for a woman. That is how you create attraction. Especially if a man is not your boyfriend. When he is, have at it about safety.

    You are not to blame for his pulling back. He is not on the same page. There is nothing you could have done differently and it is awesome you told him what you want!!!! Boundaries are amazing! You did nothing wrong with the safe thing, just be more playful. It will make you feel more sexy and confident too. Which is the main reason to do it. It created attraction for him and you feel better.

    If it is longer than 12 weeks dating, I suggest if he reaches out just saying you don’t want the same things and wish him well.

    If it is less then be responsive, but let him lead. Be responsive and appreciative! You’ve got this! Either with him or someone else!

    #777755 Reply

    anon

    I always tell people safe travels if they are traveling, men, women, friends, family, coworkers. I think you should be authentic in your dealings with men, and if you are the ice queen type who never says anything kind/caring, and that is your true self, by all means never say things like that.

    You should be your true self when dating because dating is evaluating someone for something longer term.

    That said, this guy does not seem like a good bet. Men know how to communicate if they are into you. They might be awkward and imperfect but they won’t leave you hanging. I look for consistency. If this guy has been inconsistent from the start, he may be into you, but if he is fading into more irregular communication, I’d just cut the ties.

    #777756 Reply

    Vera

    You should cut him off immediately !! Why stay in a situation that’s making you feel crappy ? You’re not expecting too much to want him to be in touch with you

    #777757 Reply

    T from NY

    Want Tallspicy said all day long. Men fall for women because of how that woman makes them feel during their interactions. It’s not about playing games or acting frigid — it’s about having the proper mindset when interacting with men you are dating. Playful. Fun. Sexy. These are the vibes that are HEALTHY for you to be feeling while dating. NEEDing anything — such as wanting to feel like he likes you, cares about you is TOO SOON if the man hasn’t bonded with you.

    Let me tell you a story. The man I was madly in love and in a relationship for 2 years didn’t just rush the heck in and declare his love for me. I wasn’t looking for a partnership at the time so it helped me being light and confident with him. I was dating others. But when I DID start catching feelings (several months into it for me – though women should NOT wait more than 2-3 if they are looking for a relationship) Anyway – when I shared how I was feeling – he suddenly started acting weird. Less communication for a few days. Went on an 8 hour road trip and said he wanted to talk to family and friends instead of me. I was sad. Fretted about it BUT I DID NOTHING and went back to living my life that weekend. Hung out with friends. Read a book. Exercised. Etc. After a couple of days he resurfaced and declared he thought about for days and wanted to commit to me and literally sent a calendar he’d made around his crazy med school schedule for 2 months worth of dates! My point is – men sometimes take space and regardless of the outcome – we have to let them come to us and lead.

    For me – I’ll say to a man leaving me on a trip – Have fun! Instead of be safe. No big deal and I agree a man who really likes you won’t be put off by it. But masculine men who have concerns about giving up their freedom are drawn to women who have cultivated their own life and not overly concerned about what their adult man their dating is doing because their too busy a fabulous life of their own. Pull back. Refocus on you.

    #777856 Reply

    Samantha

    He was out of town for a funeral, I don’t think have fun would have been appropriate. But I understand what you’re saying. I feel maybe I am expecting too much because of my feelings for him which is silly I know. And wow I’m glad that your relationship turned around.

    He ended up texting me when he got back, just a generic text, nothing special. Kind of those texts that make you think he sends a mass text to everyone in his contacts. I haven’t responded. I’m starting to feel as if he’s throwing me breadcrumbs. Not sure if me pulling back will make him come more forward or make him disappear altogether by thinking I’m not interested?

    #777860 Reply

    anon

    “But masculine men who have concerns about giving up their freedom are drawn to women who have cultivated their own life and not overly concerned about what their adult man their dating is doing because their too busy a fabulous life of their own.”

    I really don’t think a comment as innocuous as safe travels signals that you are a clingy woman with no life. It’s literally just a polite comment people make. I’ve been turned down by a lot of men for being aloof, too independent and too much of a free spirit. But I always wish people safe travels. Everyone, even manly men.

    If you start getting too calculated about what you say, you start to come across as not genuine.

    I think an independent guy hears “safe travels” the same as “have fun” the same as “take care”. It’s not much more loaded than “good night” or “bye”.

    #777861 Reply

    anon

    Anyhow, if you go around overriding your natural response to act aloof, it will end up backfiring. Obviously, don’t go next level mom clingy with a “safe travels, let me know when you land and call me when you get to your hotel”.

    But if some dude hears “safe travels” and decides to bail because it is “too much”, you dodged a bullet. You might be able to cool girl him along for another month or two, but thats some next level avoidance on his end.

    #777864 Reply

    LJ

    He was away for a FUNERAL and you’re concerned that he might have been non-communicative during that time??

    Absolutely no way this should be considered a problem. You are being too needy.

    #777871 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Omg. Harshness time – Woman, get it together. You did not mention he was away for a funeral. Oh yeah, and he is not your boyfriend. Your expectations seem to be way out of line! Seriously. He writes you when he gets back and instead if responding warmly, you ignore him because it was not the exact words you want to hear? Sheesh. He can’t win with you.

    By the way, safe travels is innocuous and boring, not needy. I never said that….. but totally ok to end a convo or if he is going to a funeral.

    Please get your internal emotional house in order. You are overinvested. Just act warm, playful, responsive and appreciative.

    #777874 Reply

    T from NY

    And my point wasn’t about the one line! It’s about an overall attitude toward dating and unrealistic expectations. Though semantics DO matter as in communicating where one is at emotionally. Safe travels or Have fun. One is more playful than the other. One is more nurturing than the other. Of course it wouldn’t be appropriate for a funeral. And I NEVER said be the cool girl. But there’s a time to care – and I time not to. In the beginning! – not smart to care for a guy you don’t even know, haven’t vetted properly and he hasn’t bonded or shown investment in you. Of course if a guy likes you semantics isn’t gonna be a crazy deal breaker. I was more trying to inform the OP on how to live her own life and let men come to her.

    #777882 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Yeah, leaving out the fact that he was away for a funeral is a big detail to omit. Him not responding all weekend is perfectly acceptable when he’s at a funeral. He is not your boyfriend, he doesn’t owe you updates, and I’m sure he didn’t feel like chatting or being flirty.

    I agree you seem overinvested at this point. If someone close to him just died, then cut the dude some slack. I like T from NY’s advice (as usual!)

    #777889 Reply

    Lane

    When you get “mixed signals” its a neon sign saying “stay away” from this dude. A man who is super keen doesn’t give mixed signals, if anything he is making darn sure you don’t forget about him! Forget about him and he will disappear into the ether, never to be heard from or seen again when you stop acknowledging him completely, You’ve done all you can do to remind him you exist, and now its his—bet he won’t cut the mustard and fade into oblivion!

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