This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Anon 6 months, 1 week ago.
April 19, 2020 at 11:20 pm #789684
I’ve been in my current relarionship for just over 3 years. Lived with my partner for 2.5 years. Although he has many qualities which I love , I’m questioning whether this relationship is right for me . The things I am grateful for
– I trust him 100% and feel secure in our relationship
– he makes effort to listen to me when I am upset with him, then will make conscious effort to make changes (although often reverts to old habits)
-he is affectionate caring and kind soul , I have met his family and I feel a part of his family .
The things that concern me are mainly to do with “adulting” :
– I have to be in charge of everything , managing our bills (we pay 50/50 but I a have to make sure that the payments are made etc. I can’t rely on him for these tasks , he also doesn’t want to have this responsibility and rather me do it.
– I basically cook and clean every day while he sits watching tv. He does sometimes offer to help and does show that he’s thankful when I make him a meal , but never is pro active in washing the dishes while I cook or showing any initiative.
– he does help about once a week or fortnight and does a ”big clean’ where he does a vacuum and mop and dishes” but then I’m the one that has to maintain this mostly . If I don’t the place gets in a mess
– I feel like he puts himself first a lot , for minor things but sometimes these things say a lot . ie. he would pick the seat on the plane first and if I wanted it , he’d talk me into letting him have the seat ; or if we had to choose somewhere to go on holiday he’d most likely get his way or I’d never hear the end of how we should have done what he wanted ; . Basically I feel like he doesn’t put me first. itsnall these small things that show me he often put his needs before mine .
– I don’t know what it is but we barely have sex now. We still cuddle kiss and give each other massages but all of last year we probly had sex 5 times . It’s like neither of us make an effort to try to have sex . Almost like we can’t be bothered . We used to do it every day or more in the first year of dating .
-I’m so focussed on buying a house and settling down. He talks about it but his actions tell me different . Ie. he has made some big purchases lately with his money rather than putting it toward the house . It’s like he knows that I have the money for our deposit so he doensntfeel the need to contribute .
I don’t know , it worries me that I feel like I’m treating him like a king everyday , and while he is loyal kinda and loving to me , I don’t feel that I’m being treated like a queen . We have had conversations and arguments where I have told him I don’t feel appreciated or that he’s taking me for granted . And then the next day or week he will make effort to clean the house and be sweet to me but it doesn’t last long .
I don’t know what to do . I’m trying to get the spark back and focus on myself so I don’t have feelings of resentment towards him . But I feel burnt out and I don’t know if this will change . Especially when s***t gets real and we start having kids etc .April 20, 2020 at 3:13 am #789711
Men will be men. Sounds harsh but it really is what it is. If you’re already questioning the relationship i may have bad news for you. If you don’t see a future with him bc he for example doesn’t clean as much as you want him to; there are alot of other fish in the sea.
But at the other side, he does treat you good, maybe there’s just a little bit of lack of communication. I wouldn’t say you should break up with him. Have a talk with him and mention your curiosity about you two. If he doesn’t accept your wishes thats on him. Try to talkabout it and find a compromise. Maybe a plan where you both clean on different days. Just listen to your heart and dont move to fast.April 20, 2020 at 3:13 am #789712
sex 5 times a year?
I would leave
Unless you are over 60 years oldApril 20, 2020 at 6:20 am #789720
You Have put up with his selfish and lazy behaviour for 2 1/2 years so im wondering why you suddenly question it now? From his lack of being an adult description i could maybe handle one or two but not all of them together. If you proceed youre exactly my mom but that was in the sixtiesApril 20, 2020 at 6:42 am #789724
He sounds like my (lovely) husband!
I found that he actually loves to do things for me, but has zero initiative. However if I tell him what I want he would always does it willingly feeling happy to help me. In time he developed more awareness of the sort of things I asked for and did them without me asking. He’s a bit on the asperger’s scale and has a lack of awareness in some areas.
I would start asking for help. If he does it willingly you have to decide if the lack of initiative is going to drive you mad or you’re OK with being the “project manager” for everything. If he pushes back then that makes him lazy and selfish.
With things like not letting you have the best seat, the argument could go both ways. It sounds like he could argue you always want the best one. Ditto with sex. You both sound culpable.
He sounds pretty good on the whole to me. However you don’t sound “in love” with him. Is that really the issue?April 20, 2020 at 7:51 am #789727
I was thinking the same thing- he sounds like someone after you’ve been married for over 20years! I’m not sure how old you are but I would never only have sex 5 times a year???? That would be the deal breaker if you haven’t even been together that long- 3yrs. I’d rather live with a great female friend who would help with the cooking and cleaning, think about what I want and find a fun boyfriend to have sex with.
You may regret settling for this.April 20, 2020 at 8:17 am #789729
The problem I see is YOU are really bad at setting boundaries, and with poor boundaries you are setting yourself up to fail.
Go on strike. Seriously, when I felt I was doing too much of the heavy work, I went on strike! I stopped doing it and eventually he was forced to pick up the slack, especially when they had no laundry, a pile of dishes left in the sink, or a dirty sink. When you stop doing it they get the message, and if it doesn’t work long-term, hire a maid like I did lol.
You are not going to find a lot of men who are going to magically help you with household chores. They are out there but most of them have OCD or some germ phobia, so even if you dump him it will be like finding a needle in a haystack and may get a clean house but you are probably going to sacrifice something for it and will just be complaining about something else.
The next time he wants the seat just say, “NO, you’ve had this seat on the last three trips its my turn!” Jump in front and plop your butt in the seat you want. Time for you to start ACTING like a queen!
The sex issue your fault too. Sometime you just have to jump their bones when you want sex!
Next time,After you cook a nice dinner just say “hey babe, you need to do the dishes so I can relax a bit now. Thank you.” Then plop your butt on the couch and don’t do or touch the dishes until HE does them. You do this enough times and you’ll start training him properly lol.April 20, 2020 at 11:12 am #789742
T from NY
I would not stay with a man that does not have sex with me or doesn’t help me with chores.
In my opinion your only option is to let him know you’ve been doing some checking in with yourself and in order to be happy going forward you both need to come up with a plan to make sex a priority and make a schedule of chores so there’s no misunderstandings.
I also feel it would not be out of line to speak to him and let him know if those things can’t be addressed – you question your ability to stay committed to the relationship long term. It will ABSOLUTELY be worse if you were to have a child. And resentment is a killer of relationships.
It’s time you get your groove back and start mirroring his actions. I think your only chance at being treated like a queen js to start acting like one. Not rudely or playing games. Just by remembering your own worth and ask him to step up or be courageous enough to step out.April 20, 2020 at 12:16 pm #789745
As Dolly Parton said in “Straight Talk,” “Honey, get down off that cross – people need the wood!”
A) Make a chore chart and show it to him and TELL HIM, “I resent all the time I spend cooking and doing the dishes and dusting and vacuuming and changing the bed and handling the finances. This chart divides the household work evenly and rotates the assignments so neither one of us gets stuck doing one thing all the time.”
B) If you want a particular plane seat or to go camping for a vacation, make an activities chart and TELL HIM, “I resent that you will not give me the plane seat I want and always browbeat me until I give in on where we spend our vacations. This chart keeps track of whose turn it is to select the first plane seat and who gets to decide where we go on vacation. The choices are non-negotiable. I have flipped the selection opportunities so that if I choose the plane seat first, you pick the vacation spot and vice versa.”
C) TELL HIM that you want to buy a house and that you have set up a savings account for that goal. Ask him how much he can contribute and you contribute the same amount; even if it takes longer to reach your goal, YOU won’t be feeling taken advantage of because you contribute more than he does. Set up a chart with each of your pay dates, the amount to be deposited, the date it was deposited and the remaining balance of your down payment goal.
D) You don’t like the amount of sex you are having. First, TELL HIM that you are feeling cheated in the sex department. SECONDLY, get him to go to the doctor (primary care physician AND urologist) to make sure there are no physical reasons that his flood of desire has diminished to a mere trickle of what sounds like “obligatory special occasion sex.” You make the appointments and then make sure he gets there; otherwise, I see more disappointment and martyrdom headed your way. (HINT: I’d say that it’s a good bet that he’s retaliating against your unspoken resentment in the only non-confrontational way he knows.) FINALLY, if his physical condition checks out okay, make a chart and say, “Here are the days I want to f*ck. If you want to make any changes to the schedule, do it now, because once it’s complete, it’s written in stone and the only changes allowed are extra sex sessions.” Then hold him to your schedule.
Have you noticed that I suggest a schedule for each and every issue you raised in your post? I’m actually serious in A-C. With D, I’m serious about everything EXCEPT the schedule, but if you keep feeling neglected and resentful, a schedule might be the only way to go.
I just feel so much pain, disappointment and resent coming off your post that I hope to make you stop and look at how your passive-aggressive behavior is contributing to your problems.
If you don’t TELL HIM what you want and REFUSE TO BACK DOWN when something that’s important to you is under discussion, you are partly (yes, PARTLY) to blame for the “condition your condition is in.”
I wish you luck. Both of you deserve to be happy and fulfilled in your relationship.April 20, 2020 at 3:21 pm #789758
You’ve got a boy on your hands, not a man. You’re also over functioning which allows him to under function. You can step way back and see if he steps up but don’t be surprised if he doesn’t. This isn’t attractive behavior and I’d step back for a month or two at most to see if he improves, but if he doesn’t, this isn’t a man who will be a good husband or long term partner. Also, I don’t really see any evidence he sees a future with you from some of the behavior, like not participating in saving for a house.April 20, 2020 at 8:59 pm #789784
While I like all the varying advice, I think if you have to schedule sex- it’s not a good prognosis for the future. The most fun thing about sex is the spontaneity. I hope there are more positives about the relationship except longevity because it sounds like a chore and a lot of boredom.