Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Is he pulling away
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tammy.
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Mina
I have been talking to this guy for about 5 weeks now had two dates that went really well and he always talked about things we could do for future dates. He was texting at least once a day but with some depth (didn’t strike me as a big tester but maybe I misread that too). We had a date tentatively planned but he cancelled citing work stress – I know there is a lot going on at work as he has opened up about it. However, then texting reduced to a few sentences or a sentence a day. I eventually messaged him and said that i liked him but had noticed that he wasn’t as present, didn’t want to make any assumptions so would prefer if he just told me directly what was happening. I know l should not have done this but not been saying for a long time and also just feel like don’t waste my time be upfront and let’s move on.
He sent a long message apologising and said work stress and his health had taken a toll. He will tell me all about it when we see each other. We didn’t meet up that weekend as he wasn’t feeling well and I didn’t bring it up. Sunday he messaged to say he had gotten worse. I did what I previously did which was empathise, wished him speedy recovery and to let me know if he needed anything. Since then he still messages once a day – pretty much one sentence to give her an update on his health ( still not well thinks it might be Covid). Tuesday he sent a voice note apologising and saying it’s definitely Covid. I sent a voice note back saying I was sorry and got him to not worry about it, to get well soon and good night. Not heard from him all day Wednesday.
I’m not fretting anymore and not messaging him – giving him space to get better. But I think I know he has lost interest. I d am too ashamed to speak to my friends about it (don’t know I am ashamed) but I guess putting it out here is my way of rationalising it? Lord knows. Still thank you for taking time to read my thoughts.
Maddie
If he really does have covid, some people still can get sick from it for one to two weeks. So if he’s telling you the truth about being ill, you can put him on the back burner for now but see if he follows through when he’s better or not. Two dates in five weeks is not a lot, so neither of you owe each other anything yet.
That being said, if he has lost interest or if illness causes dating to lose momentum, what are you ashamed of? He wasn’t meeting your needs (only 2 hangouts over several weeks, do you want so much distance?), he’s going through a lot of issues, and you don’t know each other yet. Doesn’t sound like anything personal. And even if it was, after two dates, all it means is you’re not the most compatible matches for each other. That’s normal, it’s the case with most people you’re going to date, and it reflects nothing about your value as a person. If he’d rather do a slow fade than be honest, the only person that reflects badly on is him. But again, sounds like he’s sick plus the timing and availability may be lousy with this guy.
mama
No need to be ashamed about something you don’t have any control over and is not a reflection on your worth as a person. Don’t internalize that, it won’t help you. The minute you find yourself obsessing about what you might have done right/wrong/different/etc., force your mindset to focus on something more positive about yourself instead. Say it out loud if you’re alone or in a comfortable space. It’s a good way to stop negative thoughts from taking over and if you’re consistent, it helps you feel better about yourself as well. :)
It does seem like he’s lost interest and you responded with kindness. I think that’s all you can do so let it go. It’s tough to keep a connection going when it’s so new and you can’t see each other. Let go. Now is the best time to assume this might fade and move forward with your life and find other partners to date. Let it go. You weren’t in a committed relationship, so give yourself a moment to recoup, then try with someone new.
Don’t send him anymore texts about not communicating according to your expectations. It will seem like you are trying to force something.
Let him go.
**At the very least even if you don’t follow anyone’s advice, just give him space. He’ll come back if he wants to.**
Raven
Hi Mina, Two dates in 5 months is pretty low stakes…
No need to feel ashamed. We’ve all been where you are. Big lesson learned; When a guy pulls away, let him go.
Mina
Thank you everyone for taking time to read and to offer your candid advice. You are all right. To be honest I have no idea why I was feeling ashamed about it. But I think it’s partly because I haven’t dated for a long time and I really didn’t want to put myself out there for exactly this reason. I know it makes no sense.
I still haven’t heard from him today but as you have all advised I wouldn’t be contacting him anymore. I think I am just a bit bumped that he couldn’t be upfront about it even when I gave him the chance to. I thought it was weird he sent me a voice note on Tuesday (the last contact I had with him) where he was so apologetic (I had not said anything other than reply to his previous messages throughout updating me on his health, wishing him a speedy recovery) and said that it was definitely covid.
Ah well, live and learn. Again, thank you all so much. I really do appreciate it.
tammy
@raven its 2 dates in 5 weeks not 5 months. i agree with what @ MAMA has said. you have already asked him once as to his level of interest and he responded. besides 2 meetings in 5 weeks is not that many dates is it? i think you did all you could. now you simply need to let him be. when he’s well and if interested he will get in touch. nothing much you can do at this stage. just try and take your focus off him and take this as something that didn’t work out. this happens. sometimes things may look good but still don’t work out.
Mina
Thank you Tammy. I am letting him go. I already did yesterday but still had that sick feeling in my belly. Last night, I slept well and woke up this morning without the knot in my stomach. My thoughts still wonder to him every now and then but not so much anymore. I haven’t blocked him but I have deleted his messages as they were quite high up on my message list. It was my first time dating a guy after about 4 years so I think I’ll take a few weeks off and then maybe out myself out there again.
Thank you all 🤗🤗
Tammy
Thats gud. Sometimes we want things that we can’t have. maybe he will revert once hes well maybe not. Who knows. Its gud that u dint block. Just try taking ur focus off this guy. U will be ok. Anywys its just 2 dates.
Mina
Tammy you are very right. I finally had a conversation with my friend today and she was so cross at me for not speaking to her when I was struggling. She says that I am always ‘pouring into other peoples cups until it overflows and even when I have nothing left I keep on pouring’. I am thankful for her but I am also thankful to you all who don’t know me but have also taken time to support me with a gentle firmness, honesty, and empathy.
Update – as I was typing this out I had two messages from him. I have not opened them but the preview looks like he is saying he has been bed bound but thinks it has reached its peak and the second preview is asking how my week has been’.
Anyways I have everyone’s advice at the forefront of my mind now and won’t misuse that advice.
tammy
well your friend is right. he may not even realize your so invested in him because after all it’s been just 2 dates!!! and if he gets to know how your so knotted inside over someone you have met only twice, he may wonder why! it’s not a question of him letting u down or changing his mind about you because it’s been just 2 weeks mina! do your own thing and try not getting too invested in people so easily and so fast! infact here most ladies advice others to be wary of men who love bomb! just take your focus off and go with the flow. its too soon to get so invested. :-)
tammy
its 2 dates in 5 weeks and not 2 weeks! sorry for typo
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