Insecurity after Fights: How to Deal


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  • #383064 Reply
    Mae

    Hi everyone,

    I’m new here… Thanks in advance for listening.

    I’m looking for general insight/guidance on how to properly conduct oneself after an argument. In other words: how do I move on and away from Needyville? My man (of 7 months) and I are completely honest and open with one another about our feelings, especially when we fight, which is good. He knows I struggle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (diagnosed, not using as an excuse) and insecurity. He loves me regardless, but I know neither are attractive qualities.

    But what gnaws at me… is this unshakeable feeling that something is STILL wrong, and that he feels differently about me after an argument. Even after the fight is said and done. And it drives me crazy because I consider myself a strong person, EXCEPT after fights. His approach is to forget it and move on, which should be logical, but I’m me. I constantly find myself apologizing and asking in different ways if we are “still okay.” I acknowledge that’s insecurity speaking. I also acknowledge that’s a form of self-destructive behavior.

    I go to therapy. I take medication. I have a full-time job. I exercise. I’m constantly trying to better myself, but can’t seem to shake this quality of mine.

    My question is two-fold. 1)How do I/is it possible to stop? 2) If not, is it appropriate to gently ask him to try his best to accept me the way I am, as I’m not perfect?

    #384258 Reply
    Jackie

    Hi Mae,

    I’m sorry no one responded to this as I experience IDENTICAL behavior. I was just going to create a new topic until i saw yours. Does anyone have any feedback regarding this? My boyfriend and i have been together the same amount of time, and i find myself over analyzing everything after an argument. It seems like the fights or disagreements effect me way more than they effect him, and he can just move on from it, but for me, i dwell on it and it really takes an emotional toll. i start to question everything and become insecure and needy and it takes a toll on the relationship since my insecurities are the main cause of any fights. But when he gives me reassurance and shows me love and attention, that’s when we have the least amount of fights. Our arguments are driven from me feeling unappreciated, and all i ask for is a little bit of reassurance and love. When i don’t get it, i become unsure of the relationship.

    this is a habit i’ve had with every relationship i’ve been in, although in the ones that i receive constant attention and reassurance, i’m bored and unhappy. i like a guy with his own life he doesn’t revolve every waking second around me, but at the same token, that kind of behavior is what’s ruining my relationship and causing me to have insecurities.

    i’ve come to the realization that i am who i am in a lot of ways. i know there is always room for growth and improvement, but i’m always going to require attention. i’m always going to have a little bit of jealousy. i am always going to have high standards and expect the best. I am the type of person that needs to be TOLD they are appreciated and words are important to me, how can i get this across to my boyfriend?

    #384304 Reply
    c

    I too have the same problem. And the saddest part is that all of us seem to know that insecurity is self sabotaging yet we fail to curb it. And the moment we fall into insecure mode, we start blaming ourselves which also become a source of stress itself.

    From my experience, if u know u r seeking attention and reassurance, u could get it from anywhere else other than ur bf. Talking to friends and families or even helping a stranger will do. There are different triggers for our insecurity under various situations, if identified, u would know it has not much to do with ur bf but urself.

    It would be unreasonable to wanting ur bf reassure u and appreciate u with important words when u fall into insecure mode because it simply isn’t his responsibility. It is easy to fall in that trap of seeking reassurance from him but in the long run, the only person that can give u security is urself. It should be two people coming in full and taking care of each other, not coming in empty and taking from each other.

    #384309 Reply
    Stefanie

    Girls, I am taking a moment to write because I WISH I had something to respond with, as you are sincerely asking for guidance. I don’t know what to say, I don’t feel qualified to respond with anything useful as it’s not something I have personal experience with… but wanted to take a minute to give you some love and support as you handle these issues.

    #384312 Reply
    Mae

    Thank you so much for the responses, ladies! We can get through this together…

    -Mae

    #384326 Reply
    Jackie

    C – I think you are completely right. Glad to see I’m not in it alone. I think for me….I look back to the beginning of the first few months of the rltp, and we were never fighting, and I think it’s because he made me feel so secure in the relationship. I don’t need someone to build up my own self esteem, to tell me I’m pretty or great or anything, but I am a WORDS person. That is my love language. I like to feel appreciated and loved and words and positive reinforcement makes me feel that the most. Obviously actions need to match it, but i do like to hear it from time to time. it doesn’t have to be every day, but once and awhile it would be nice to hear that i’m loved and appreciated. Sometimes i feel like i’m bothering my bf when i text him through out the day or that i’m talking too much when were together and he will tell me i’m crazy for thnking that way and if he didn’t want to be with me or didnt love me, he wouldnt be with me.

    i just don’t think its asking too much to get some reassurance and some positive reinforcement once in awhile. do you all agree? It makes me happier in the relationship and more confident about how he’s feeling, and therefore less likely to act out from lack of attention. i don’t need constant attention, but more than i’m currently getting.

    #384327 Reply
    Lane

    Ladies.

    Most men HATE fighting and arguing with their women! Honestly, arguing STRIPS away at a relationship like cancer and if you can’t learn how to solve your problems in a cool, calm and collected manner then the relationship will deteriorate.

    Can I ask if you argue with everyone? Bosses, co-workers, siblings, parents, or people you meet in general? How would these relationship fare if you did? Same concept.

    Before you feel COMPELLED to argue seek out a different solution first. What is that he says or does to set off these arguments? What is the ‘root cause’ of the issue? When one takes the TIME to peel away all the layers and get to the root of where its coming from, you’re in a better position, mentally and rationally, to approach it in a better way.

    No one is taught the proper relationship skills, so you need to LEARN how to address and approach issues in the right way, no differently than you had to learn basic math concepts and how to apply to them to different areas of your life—knowledge is power! :-)

    #384329 Reply
    Mae

    Hi Lane:

    Thank you for your honest insight. Appreciated. I agree- constant arguing is like a cancerous growth. I do think, though, that it’s healthy to “fight fair” from time to time. And part of fighting fair is having the maturity and strength to let go… which I am trying to find within myself.

    In my case, I never feel compelled to argue. I actually hate arguing because of the ensuing stress (that in part I admittedly choose to put on myself). I find that when I state my feelings in a rational, calm way, he spirals into defense mode, then ends up later apologizing for being a <choice word>. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t change my approach, to your point.

    In brief, the root cause of our arguments (and my man and I have discussed this) stem from a certain problem of his (which I don’t wish to mention here as that’s another story). That said, I know no one is perfect, myself included.

    I suppose I am seeking advice to help combat this insecurity that appears after each argument. The feeling that I will lose him. When we go weeks without arguing, I don’t exhibit this behavior, neither externally nor internally.

    I agree with you that it’s important to learn to address issues the right way, in general. I read somewhere (maybe it was on here?) to wait 24 hours before reacting to a toxic or troublesome situation.

    My problem: I HATE UNCERTAINTY. I know, grow up, right? It’s part of life. Been a constant struggle for me, even still at 30-something.

    -Mae

    #384339 Reply
    Jenna

    Hi Mae,

    I’m sorry this is happening to you. We all have those tiimes when we feel insecure. When my ex and I would fight, that feeling of uneasiness and insecurity would usually still linger after. It’s hard for me to just forget about it, but I learned to do better.

    What I realize is, sometimes, that feeling comes from my need to feel heard, and when my man refuses to listen and is in defensive mode, I know that my approach with him is not working, and thus I feel more insecure because my “need” is not met, and thus I feel unloved.

    When men have problems, they generally don’t wanna talk about it and just find solutions on their own. But most women would want to talk about it even if we already know there’s no solution. Why? Because when we feel heard, that’s when we feel better.

    So when my ex and I had arguments, I would tell him, “I know we talked about this, but I have just this feeling that’s making me uneasy. Would you listen to me for a few minutees? And then we can put this aside. You don’t have to do anything, nor solve anything because there’s nothing to solve. I’d appreciate if you would just listen. It would make me feel a lot better.” And then after I talk, I give him a smile, and say something like, “I feel so much better now. Thank you so much for listening. I always feel better when you do. I appreciate it.”

    When you tell him this, it frees him from the pressure that he has to do something about the problem in order to make you happy. But when you tell him there’s no problem, and all he has to do is listen, and he knows this will make you happy AND his effort will be appreciated, he will be happy to do it.

    I hope this helps.

    #384341 Reply
    Lane

    I understand Mae, which is why I’m suggesting a different approach as the one you are currently using isn’t working well. It depends on the way one is trying to ‘argue’ and the purpose of the argument.

    Is to give a reason or cite evidence with the aim of PERSUADING him to share your point of view; OR is it an exchange of heated and angry words?

    I liken it to politics where it doesn’t matter what you say or do, if the other person is so myopic, closed or unwilling to see it your way, then at some point you have to ‘let it go’ and stop beating a dead horse; or decide if its too major (goes against your core values), and not worth all the angst and stress its causing.

    For instance, my ex and I argued maybe 10 times during our 20+ year relationship. I KNEW his limitations, especially with finances, so I wasn’t going to keep talking to him to death over it. I preferred to come up with A SOLUTION that worked for both of us which was to get him his own checking account with a bi-weekly allowance, plus a credit card with a BLOCKED amount. This way he had enough money to do what he wanted with and I didn’t have to stress over him bouncing checks anymore.

    All I’m saying is you need to approach things in different ways to see what works and what doesn’t.

    #384344 Reply
    Mae

    Hi Lane,

    Thank you- that was helpful. I will try a different approach next time an issue arises. I know reacting on emotion and the “behavior modification” (e.g. “I want to change the way you behave”) approach don’t work.

    In the past, I’ve asked him gently to bear with me and perhaps point out when an approach does or doesn’t work. He agreed that was a good semi-solution, and he’d play his part as well. This seems to be effective at times (communication!), though I know it’s not fair to ask him to help cater to my insecurities.

    Did you come up with the solution regarding your ex, or did the two of you work together? Just curious.

    Thanks!
    Mae

    #384346 Reply
    Mae

    Thank you, Jenna! I will try that as well. I completely agree- my “need” to feel heard still lingers.

    #384347 Reply
    Jackie

    I will be the first to admit that I do have a somewhat argumentative personality in some situations and I can be exhausting at times. although I have a great big group of friends and am close with all of my family, when I get into that mode it’s hard to shake. I can be a bit of a diva or a brat and I am fully aware those are things I need to work on and I do every day. I am constantly trying to be better. But I couldn’t agree more with what Jenna said. Often times, it just comes down to wanting to be HEARD and understood. I feel so much more appreciated when he just listens and can be empathetic with how I’m feeling.

    I know men hate fighting, and although I can be argumentative, I HATE actual fights more than anything. It takes such an emotional toll on me and I woiuld like to avoid it at all costs, but my emotions get the best of me sometimes and it’s easier said than done. I need some kind of method to deal With controlling my impulses and realizing that the majority of the time it’s not a battle worth
    Picking. It’s just when I’m in the situation it’s so hard to control and I don’t want him to think he can walk all over me. I want to be treated with respect and love but I want to express that need and desire to him without coming across attacking or aggressive.

    #384352 Reply
    Lane

    Hi Mae,

    I came up with the solution, presented it, and he agreed :-)

    I wasn’t trying to persuade him to be better with finances because that approach wasn’t working, so I thought what would work, and came up with that solution.

    Same with my kids. For instance my sons kept punching holes in the wall when they got angry, so instead of having the same argument, I went out and bought a punching bag, hung it in the garage, and told them to take it out on that—it worked! :-)

    I’ve never found arguments to be all that useful unless you’re skilled in the art of persuasion, like an attorney. If your not, then you need to find better alternatives to resolving conflicts as they arise.

    #384572 Reply
    Sherri

    Lane, love your punching bag solution …. sigh … I wish someone could teach me and provide me with solutions of how to deal with my 3 year old. She is very headstrong. I am dreading her teenage years. Wish I could keep her small forever because I have been told its going to be 3 times worse when she is a teen.

    #384597 Reply
    Lagirl

    The only time I have felt insecure after an argument was when I knew I pushed too far with my words.

    I don’t do this anymore.. Have learned to pick my battles and not sweat the little things.

    Is this why the insecurity? You know you said things you can’t take back?

    IMO if you find this to be a topic serious enough to ask advice on, it means you are arguing way too much. This suggests either incompatibility or a need to have things your way all the time…does any of that resonate?

    #384604 Reply
    Jackie

    LAgirl, i guess everyone is different in the way things effect them. I am this way with anyone…after any kind of argument, i feel a little unsettled for a few days. I just hate the feeling. But it is worse if i’ve done or said something that i feel guilty for, like pushing too far with my words.

    I definitely dont need to have my way all the time, but there are certain things that i’m not willing to bend on. like i said, i have an argumentative side to me and it’s something i’m aware of and try to control, but i’ve been like that my whole life. i can also be understanding and admit when i’m wrong (which is a lot).

    in my case, we are both strong personalities and very passionate people, and both fight to prove our points at times—and we dont also see from each others perspectives. the more we get to know each other and know what pushes our buttons and when to not cross certain lines, the better we’ve become. for me, it’s a matter of dropping the issue after we’ve squashed it. i tend to hold on to resentment and it effects the way i act and feel. i cannot let myself dwell on the argument or the bad taste it leaves in my mouth, i have to just drop it when it’s over. i think that will and has made a big difference in a positive way.

    #384612 Reply
    celesteannv

    I actually hate arguing with ANYONE, and could never understand why ex-H and I could not come to resolutions since I could almost always come up with win-win, or win-not lose so much situations in all other aspect of my life.

    I came to realize that we both were so focused on being right, that we could not openly try to see things from the other person’s perspective.

    I have not had one real “fight” with J in 15 months and I think it is for two reasons
    1 – Like LAGirl said.. I have let go of many things that used to bother me
    2- I take 100% ownership of what bothers me and addressing behavior rather than attacking him.

    #384617 Reply
    talllady

    There are some good suggestions on how to resolve conflict better. But, in terms of after and the after feelings, which are normal. I suggest meditation, breathing and mantras. That way you have a way to manage the anxiety – which is the root of the feeling.

    The next day, after the fight, learn to retrain your thoughts:
    – Everything is ok
    – It will all turn out for the best

    And meditate for 10 minutes in the morning –
    Just clear your head….

    #384618 Reply
    Jackie

    Thank you Tallady. Those are some great suggestions. I find that when I force myself to think positive, I get positive results. Sometimes it’s just easier said than done. But I appreciate all your help! Thank you!

    #384620 Reply
    Sherri

    Dancing always helps if I am feeling down ….

    #384624 Reply
    LAgirl

    Mae
    Again… I don’t know what the source of these ‘arguments’ are.

    Like Celest, I have been with my man for a year now and we have not had one argument.

    I believe this is because we are both pretty level headed and on the same page, more or less. IMO arguments tend to stem from insecurity, need to control/have things your way, reacting before thinking….

    A common problem people have is to react before thinking things through. When we impulsively react based on emotion, it usually isn’t doing ourselves a favor.

    I find that if I feel a negative emotion I sit on it for a few hours or more. Usually if you give yourself time to calm down and think unemotionally you will end up simply dropping the issue. Because while things feel important in the heat of the moment, they are not so important once emotions cool down.

    This applies to talking and texting.

    I can’t take credit for this next line (it is a Dr. Phil statement)…’Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?’

    I think that is a good rule of thumb when you are involved in any relationship – friends, romantic or business.

    I find some people thrive on drama, though. This is what keeps them stuck in this zone. I challenge you ladies on here with this problem to think about that.

    People who grow up in families where there is high drama and fighting, view this as normal. They learned this behavior and don’t know better. As a result they either grow up and do the opposite because they can’t stand the stress of it. Or… they recreate it in their own adult relationships because they see it as the norm or they actually get off on the extreme high and lows that come with doing this.

    We also see on sitcoms how male/female characters are always fighting, putting each other down with snide comments and yet all plays out well in the end. Really? This IMO really puts us women at a disadvantage and why women don’t understand why a man will dump her after so much arguing. In her mind, it’s normal and all should work out. But in real life, that is not how it works. Thank you Hollywood for corrupting us and sabataging our love lives.

    #384645 Reply
    Cleo

    I agree with LAgirl. “A common problem people have is to react before thinking things through. When we impulsively react based on emotion, it usually isn’t doing ourselves a favor.” I always tend to do this after fighting with my bf. I won’t wait till I calm down instead I will blow up his phone with all my feelings, then he will either ask for space, or be like let’s go our separate ways, which has been the result in the 2 fights we have. Then the next day he wants to work things out.

    I have noticed I tend to fly off the wall because of my generalized anxiety disorder, I too always tend to think the worse of situations, or even make up situations in my head. I have just come to realize I can’t control his actions only mine, so now I have been working on being the calm person I was when we first started dating because then I was secure with myself, and I didn’t worry about the relationship all the time. That was because I was used to being independent after living on my own during college the last 4 years.

    Now, that I am living back home with my parents and looking for a full-time job I have all the time in the world to think about things, and that is when I tend to over-react about my relationship, when like other posts say a relationship is just supposed to top off your already full-filled life. I know I am blabbing on lol. I don’t quite understand how I could have been so independent, and now I am more dependent on a man then I have ever been and always want to gauge his emotions. I was never like that in the beginning of the relationship.

    #384880 Reply
    Aki

    Sorry this is happening…A lot of people have already given some good advice and I don’t think I can add to it, only share my experience. I too have OCD and was super independent pre-relationship before turning into someone who was dependent, insecure and needy in a relationship. My guy was understanding and patient for 2 yrs, said that he knew my faults and I couldn’t do anything to make him want to leave. He also tended to forget fights at the beginning and knew that I was trying to curb my insessant insecurities. But in the end it got to the point where it just wore him down and he said I picked at issues like scabs. Fights escalated whereas before he knew how to diffuse them. He ran out of energy to reassure me and began to need it himself.
    I don’t think that it will be enough for him to say he accepts you because he may accept that you’re imperfect but if the fights are continually bad and going over similar issues for a prolonged time he may lose the energy to understand and cope. In hindsight I sorely regret it took a massive shock to my system to get myself under more control. I should have vented out my insecurities in a journal, with friends etc and taken a chill out before interacting with him again…and told myself that my fear of losing him is what made me lose his affection. Do you think you can accept that you can’t have control over how he feels about you? I’m finding the more I come to terms with this, the more I’m able to concentrate on reassuring myself instead of seeking it from him. I read somewhere that some people use a band around their wrist that they pull and release whenever they start having negative thoughts…to help remind and snap them out of the habit. It could be worth a try?

    #385183 Reply
    Mae

    Thanks, everyone, for the replies. Some thoughtful stuff in here. Definitely have a lot to mull over. Anyone ever try the Buddhify meditation app?

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