This topic contains 13 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Liz Lemon 2 weeks, 4 days ago.
December 14, 2022 at 9:57 am #939735
Sorry about length, this story takes place over the course of 9 months. I met this guy via OLD back in March 2022. We quickly started seeing each other 3-4 times a week and it was going really well. However, neither of us brought up the DTR convo or wanted to (to my knowledge). He differs from me politically somewhat and I still wasn’t over my ex. We kept seeing each other for a few months and it felt more serious than it was. I met all of his friends and spent a ton of time with him. His family lives across the country so I haven’t met them but they know about me. I’ve said hi to his dad on the phone and he called me by name without me telling him who I was.
Over the summer, he started to pull away for the first time. He said he couldn’t be in a relationship, even if it was only sexual, because of a new mental health diagnosis and he “just needs to figure himself out.” Now I know that his ex girlfriend had contacted him and they were trying to rekindle the relationship. They dated for 5 years before he met me, and we were never official, so I understood why he would take this seriously and want to work things out with her. I don’t blame him for not telling me the real reason why because I know he was just trying to spare my feelings.
After a few weeks, maybe a month, one of us reached out to the other (I forget who) and we tried to hang out as friends. I learned that it didn’t work out with his ex. We started seeing each other romantically again, and even went on a trip together in September (just a 5 hour or so road trip to visit some friends over the weekend). It went well, but I started to develop stronger feelings. I knew he had just been communicating with his ex not too long ago and decided to break it off the day we got back from the trip. We didn’t fight, I just cried a little bit and left. Before long, I unblocked him on Instagram because I started to feel better and had felt bad blocking him. I wasn’t overly invested and thought it would be okay to be friends. It really didn’t hurt that much this time around, I was genuinely okay.
He started reaching out, sending me reels and memes. We hung out again, with the intention of keeping it casual, but before long we were admitting that we had serious feelings for each other. We even discussed a relationship, he was thinking about eventually moving in together once my lease was up, but I wasn’t ready for such a commitment so things fell through. I wanted a relationship, but he took that word MUCH more seriously than me. I just wanted to be exclusive. He wanted a whole future. Before long he was telling me, “I don’t think you want what I want. You’re not taking it as seriously. This doesn’t feel right.”
We ended up going on a trip to Florida for a week. It was fine, I was a little emotional at times because I thought that he didn’t want to really be with me. He consistently told me he had feelings for me, and that he wouldn’t have gone on such a big trip if he didn’t. He told me that he thought we have a future together, even if we’re not officially together right now. I didn’t believe him. This was essentially an extended situationship to me and I had no expectations of it leading anywhere. I broke up with him AGAIN the day after we got back from Florida.
He was upset this time, and so was I. My mental health took a nose dive. I let him back in when he started contacting me again. I know I shouldn’t have, but I felt so weak at the time and I missed him so much that I allowed it to happen against my better judgement. We’re still seeing each other to this day, now in December. I have blown up at him a few times (blown up is a strong term, but I was upset) because of his mixed signals. He tells me he shows pictures of us to his family, asked me to a family funeral, jokes about me changing my name to his, etc. I resented him for all of these things. However, we had an honest conversation where he explained to me that over the last 10 years he’s been basing his major life choices on the women he’s been in relationships with. Almost stayed in the marine corps for one girl, and stayed in an unhealthy relationship with another for 5 years while she didn’t want the same things as him. He thinks he may want to move away to be closer geographically to friends and family. He’s not sure he wants to stay here on the East Coast. He said if he did stay, I would be the biggest reason, and he doesn’t want to make this decision based on me, rather he wants to take care of himself first. I understood and empathized with him, and have mostly accepted that we wont be in an official relationship until he knows he wants to stay here in our state. We said we’d reconvene and discuss on February 1st. He emphasizes all of the reasons why he thinks we’re a good fit and why he wants me to be in his life. He says all of the right things when it comes to our compatibility and his feelings for me.
My question is, based on the above information, is there a chance that this will work out? Should I wait for him to make his choice?
TL;DR My boyfriend of 9 months who is not officially my boyfriend might move away and doesn’t want to “be official.” He seems to care a great deal about me, but we’ve been on and off and I don’t know whether or not to wait for him. What should I do?December 14, 2022 at 10:54 am #939736
How old are you both?
The best advice I can give is– it should not be this hard to be with a person. When I look back at my relationship history, I too have been involved in some clusterf*ck situations that I only clearly realized in hindsight. But the lesson I took away from them all is– if a guy wants to be with you, and he is emotionally and mentally healthy– he will be with you. Period. It really is that simple.
I’m not saying relationships don’t take work– they do. But they shouldn’t constantly FEEL like work. There should not be a lot of drama, and ups and downs, and breaking up then getting back together– if the person is right for you.
Don’t wait for this guy. Your TLDR sums it up– he won’t commit, and he’s on and off, but he talks a good game about wanting a future with you “someday”. Don’t believe the bull$hit. Someone can care for you, and still not be good for you! If he wanted to be with you, he would. Don’t wait for him and possibly miss out on an opportunity with a guy who is ready to commit and build a relationship with you.December 14, 2022 at 11:00 am #939737
Liz, we are both 28.
Thank you for your response, you summed up basically what my gut has been telling me all along. I want to believe him, like that would be nice lol, but deep down I don’t.
I wish I wasn’t so attached. This is gonna be tough but I know I need to end it.December 14, 2022 at 11:12 am #939738
I am in my mid-40s, so I have almost 20 years of experience on you :-) Trust me, I learned this the hard way!
You’re still young, and have time to meet guys who are ready for a healthy relationship. But don’t waste time, if you want kids. This guy is wishy-washy. I’m sure he does care about you and enjoy your company. That’s one of the hardest things to accept, I think– that someone can care for you, and you can care for them, but it doesn’t mean they’re ready to be in a healthy relationship with you. Listen to your gut, always.December 14, 2022 at 2:24 pm #939741
He was on and off with his ex so he clearly has issues that he needs to work on on his own or let another woman waste her precious time .
He might be the avoidant type who knows but he is not your manDecember 14, 2022 at 2:42 pm #939742
In your post, things went from, “new mental health diagnosis and he “just needs to figure himself out” (which btw I do believe is true) to immediately rekindling with his ex. That didn’t work out, he reconnected with you, then said he makes too many choices around women instead of his own needs. What important thing is missing here? It’s him actually doing anything to deal with his mental health and figure himself out! It has been around 6 months since whatever diagnosis, and he’s still bouncing between women and dragging them along for the ride instead of focusing on himself. I’m calling BS on the 7 week break (the one that, let’s be real, you talking about your needs and breaking things off led him to, he’d probably have kept things status quo and stalled out if you didn’t assert yourself), because there seems to be no actual plan and effort in action on his part to really help himself. Someone can say whatever they want, but if their words, actions, and feelings aren’t all consistent with each other, there’s no actual forward momentum, growth, and progress.
That’s my long way of saying I agree with Liz and that your own instincts are good too here, and why.December 15, 2022 at 3:10 am #939755
I don’t think he is your forever person, but I am not going to let you off the hook for your part of this. You sound just as flakey as he does. You both want it to be forever but over and over you say and behave like you want casual and you accept a half assed. This is a two to tango and it is clearly not a forever fit for you. But if you want a forever fit, or even a boyfriend, then act like it and demand it.December 15, 2022 at 2:13 pm #939766
Agree with Tallspicy…figure out what you want and what type of guy you want it with,before you date again.December 16, 2022 at 4:54 am #939783
Agree with tall spicy. First fivure out what is it that you want. R u sure you want to be in a proper steady relatnship with this guy?December 16, 2022 at 7:57 am #939785
Ladies, thank you so much for your responses. Clearly the consensus is that this isn’t going to work. I agree with all of you. I think I just needed to hear it from an outside source. Thanks again xoxoDecember 17, 2022 at 1:23 am #939790
He will never commit.January 20, 2023 at 7:45 am #940182
Update! We are now in a committed relationship. He asked me a week ago and told me that he’s all-in. I think he just needed time after his previous relationship, it had been less than a year after a 5-year relationship. We’re making plans for the future. He’s redesigning a guest room in his house so that I can have a little office/reading nook for myself. I think everything’s going to be okay. I don’t know if this proves anything, I understand that it was highly unlikely for him to commit. Just wanted to let y’all know that anything is possible. I’m really happy.January 20, 2023 at 9:08 am #940187
happy for you. try to stay positive and go with the flow. all the best.January 20, 2023 at 12:30 pm #940192
It’s nice when people come back and give updates! I’m glad it’s going well!