This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by mama 1 month ago.
May 24, 2022 at 4:04 pm #933842
I am writing here as a means of receiving outside input and some advice on how to move forward. To preface this – I am too nervous / embarrassed to tell my friends and family about how bad things feel, so I am hoping y’all can provide some voices of reason. I am fairly certain I need to end my relationship of ~2.5 years but don’t know how.
Backstory: we met in a bar in early 2020 (pre-pandemic). He was 31 at the time, I was 29. He was hammered by himself in the bar (his favorite sports team lost a big game) and to be fair, I was drinking too (a friend’s birthday). I gave him my number before I left and he texted me the next day.
Things seemed pretty relaxed to begin, but a few things started creeping in. He had not been in a serious relationship since high school. His last “relationship” was a brief, 6 month “fling”, wherein she ended up cutting things off because he was cheap.
I went to one of his hockey games a couple of months in and because it was in the suburbs (we both live in the city) and I was going to be in the burbs staying with my parents, he was going to swing by my parents’ place to pick me up. I asked him if it was okay to just stop in and say hello to my parents, to which he said “No, I’m not ready for that”… I told him that was fine, but then it probably wasn’t a good idea for me to go if he showed up and picked me up without saying a word to my mom and dad. He ended up apologizing and said “sorry, I thought you were rushing into me sitting down with them and having a meal” but agreed to say hi. That was when I realized this was going to be a LOT of handholding.
The next few months (March/April 2020) were pretty smooth. He asked me to be his girlfriend about 2 and a half months in. His family liked (still likes) me and vice versa.
Then my family dog died very suddenly in July (he had to be put down after having sudden heart issues) and my boyfriend did not offer to drive me to the burbs to be with my family. my mom also had a stroke around this time, and he was not super supportive. So When I was crying about my dog and my mom and struggling to cope, telling him I did not feel supported, he told me to “quit your bitching”. He apologized, kind of, but it seemed aloof and disingenuous.
But then August 2020 rolled around and I realized we were not sleeping together as much as I would expect for a relationship that had not even been 6 months long yet. Another background here: I was big into yoga when I first met him, and when the pandemic hit (and I lost my job of 4+ years), I started to put on a little weight. I am not talking about 50 lbs. I am talking MAYBE 10 lbs. I am a taller woman so it was not insanely noticeable, but then he ended up telling me that I did not work out enough for his liking (like I used to when we started to date) and it completely wrecked me. I told him that a decade ago, when I was in college, I had a severe eating disorder, and that comments about my body were going to hurt really bad. Unless I was out of control unhealthy, please do not comment on my body. He said he would try more and was sorry, had no idea, whatever.
The sex did not get better or more frequent, and when we DID have it, he never tried to do foreplay or go down on me. It was very juvenile-esque sex. Shoving it in and using lube if needbe (sorry for TMI).
On our one year anniversary, or just around, we did not have sex almost ever. And I brought it up again. He ended up admitting he was addicted to porn from a young age and admitted he would get off to porn multiple times a day. Sometimes when I was asleep in bed next to him. He then said “your body is not what it used to be”. I did not gain any additional weight from the first time he mentioned it. Maybe I was not as lean as I used to (a little softer overall) but I was in shock that after I told him about my issues from years ago, he would bring this up again.
I nearly broke up with him then and he swore he would be better and would try harder.
Sex was happening never, and he was one of the cheapest people I’ve ever met. I made the decision, regardless, to move in with him in August 2021 and we got a puppy together. The dog is the only thing at this point that is holding us together.
My boyfriend is cheap. For example, he refuses to buy anything for the condo (it is his condo) and he charges me $300 a month towards his mortgage along with all the groceries and utilities. I do not expect to live rent-free here, of course, but when I am the one decorating the place and he is using a lot of the things I get (diet cokes, sports drinks, mouth wash, misc.) and then I ask him to please stop bringing the almond milk with him to work and he says “I bought it”, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
On our 2 year anniversary, he took us to a nice restaurant with a 5 course meal and wine pairing option. When the check came, he threw a fit and shoved it towards me, saying “can you believe how expensive this is. oh my god, i did not expect this” and was going on and on and on about “why did we have to get the wine pairing”. I felt very bad about the situation and offered to pay for part of it. He nearly accepted til he saw how uncomfortable I was with the entire scenario.
My bday is this weekend and he asked me if it was okay for us to sit in and he grills us steaks. Because he apparently spent “over $100” on my gift and taking us out is “too expensive”.
So the lack of sex, cheapness, and finally… his negative attitude about EVERYTHING. I am, admittedly, a messy person, overall, BUT it is way better than it used to be. I am not dirty and I frequently clean the entire condo, with little to no help from him. I will, for example, have the place spotless, and he will that same day complain that I left my towel on the back of the chair and say “I don’t understand how you live this way”. So I am constantly feeling bad about myself and not good enough.
We do not have great conversations or much in common. I will try to talk to him about whatever is on my mind (not negative, mind you) and he will be super dismissive “huh? what was that?” We just do not have much in common. And at this point, I’m like, you don’t want to have sex with me or talk to me, why are you with me??? “Because I love you!” he assures. It’s just so …. hollow.
I know I want out but after 2.5 years of feeling fat and useless and undesired, I am so scared to get back out there and could really use some advice here.
Thank you in advance for reading.May 24, 2022 at 4:29 pm #933845
From what you’ve written it sounds like you know what needs to be done. Don’t waste years of your life with this clown! You’re young and still have time to meet another guy and get married and have kids (assuming that’s what you want?). Even if that’s not what you want- you deserve a partner who respects you and supports you. I promise you he’s out there. Don’t condemn yourself to a lifetime of this.
It doesn’t matter if he says he “loves” you. Like you said, that’s hollow. Love is an action, it’s not an empty word. Love strengthens you, builds you up and makes you feel happy, it doesn’t crush your spirit.
One day you will have a relationship that’s much, much better than this, and you’ll look back and wonder why you stayed with this guy so long. I’ve had crappy relationships before and when I think back on them compared to what I have now with my bf of 4 years (who is my best friend, generous, supportive, funny, smart & interesting, and we have great sex) it’s like night and day.
You can do this. If you need to come here to vent, please do, you’ll get lots of support here.May 24, 2022 at 4:41 pm #933846
Sweetie, do the right thing and get out of this now. Better to be alone than treated so abysmally. Don’t you think you’re worth more than this?
I was in something similar for a long time. It’s wasn’t easy to get out if it because I truly loved him with all my heart. But that relationship was only going in one direction, plus I had children and it did not bode well for them.
Shall I tell you what’s on the other side of getting out of a such a bad relationship?
Freedom! Happiness! Joy!
The chance for all your dreams to come true!
Truly, life is SO much better outside of such a toxic abusive relationship. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. I only wish I’d done it sooner.
After you’ve got out and left him behind, you’ll be so glad too.
You know, you don’t have to start dating immediately again afterwards either. You can just enjoy the magic of your own company for a while and refind yourself. Date yourself for a bit (I love my date nights with myself! Being able to please and cherish yourself is golden and truly under-rated.)
Soon beautiful lovely men will appear on the scene and when you come across one that stands out as especially kind and a great fit for you,…. Well that’s when the real fun begins….
You can do it Amalia. I was married for over a decade and I got out and it was the smartest wisest best thing I ever did in my whole life. You will thank yourself for doing the right thing too. Be brave, get out now.May 24, 2022 at 4:45 pm #933847
Yes, Exactly what Liz Lemon said.
You can do it! Move forward and towards real love. 💖May 25, 2022 at 12:12 pm #933866
Some of us women can see all the red flags in the entire situation and we still give these men chances. We know this is not it, we know he’s not the one, we know this won’t change but yet we still want to see the good in people. We still have hope they will grow and change. I for one I completely understand.
You have been conditioned to believe you are not worth it under his “care”. People that don’t feel great about themselves won’t make you feel great about yourself remember that. You will not grow with them. They will keep you insecure. You are not fat, (even if you were, loads of guys want a meaty woman) you are not useless. You’ve contributed a lot in this relationship.
Please muster up all the courage and leave now for YOU, before you find yourself pregnant or even more emotionally imprisoned to this man that will make it even harder and complicated to leave and deal with a guy like that.
Just tell him you are not happy, you do not want to be in this relationship anymore and then break it off. He will say he will change but you know that’s not going to happen. So use what you know and stick with you decision. You won’t regret it. You’re not losing anything here. ❤May 27, 2022 at 7:19 am #933921
There’s this thing called a fallacy of sunk costs. You put time and effort into this and it’s not working out. But you don’t want to give up because of all this time and effort.
Cut your losses now. You can be scared to take the next step, it’s completely understandable. But you also need to lose weight — about 175-200 pounds of dumb*ss. ;)
You can do this. Being on your own for a while may be the best gift you can give yourself right now.