Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › I need some opinions on the break up
- This topic has 2 replies and was last updated 1 month, 2 weeks ago by
Eric Charles.
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Alice
I posted about this guy very long time ago and I’m ashamed that it took so long but it came to end today.
And I’m sad but also relieved. And I want to make sure I didn’t misjudge him or made the wrong decision.Some background story:
We met 3 years ago, started dating for like 2 months and then he went to meet his ex and found out she was cheating on him. At night his exs friends or cousin kept calling him and he told me it was the alarm which clearly it’s not. The other day I told him we should take a break cuz I don’t feel good about this cuz he was obviously off around me he was distracted and not in the moment. He told me how sad he was that she cheated on him.Weeks later, he had a car accident, I went to see him and started seeing him again, however it was mostly at his place. And he lied about a carpenter he had saying it’s from a friend, turned out it was one of his dates, then turned out it was his ex actually. I was disappointed and called it off again. I said I want something serious, and he said he’s not sure about that and didn’t want to waste my time. When I left, he asked me if we can still be friends. I said yea. And I left with heart broken.
Months later, he texted me asking me how I am and saying he’s over his ex and has been working on himself etc. (not sure how exactly) but then I started seeing someone back then and he asked me how come I forget him so soon. I told him he was the one who didn’t want anything, and eventually He wished me good luck and I thought that was it.
But then he still texted me here and there, eventually we met after I became single, and things seem okay but still lying about things. He said he’s single the whole time never kissed or dated anyone, but it turned out there this girl he dated. And I had all the proof in front of him and he denied it till months later. I mean it’s okay that he did cuz he had the right to do so, but why couldn’t he just tell me the truth?
And then there were more things like this, and also the focus on sex seems to be priority every time we see each other. And he blamed me for making him feel like he had to beg for sex.So everything adding up together, I told him I can’t date him anymore. And maybe we can just be friends, and he said he can’t because he likes me too much. But then I tried to test him and I said what about fwb. He was like if that’s the only option he’ll take it. At that point I was disappointed again that sex is really the focus here like me as a person is not valuable enough to stay in touch.
And I said I don’t want to do that. He said so this is it? I said I think so, but I wish you the best still. He said same here but then started to say that he hates how I come and leave in his life and he tried to move on but I came back and then want nothing. Like he was super hurt.
Alice
I was confused because he played a big part in that and I seem to be the bad guy in the story now. Before I even said anything, he blocked me.
And then I went to his social media and told him that I hope we could at least end things peacefully and I don’t want any hatred. He said no hatred and he still has a lot of love for me. But then again started to say how it’s unfair that I come in and out of his life. Which yes, I did, but I feel like he dragged me in it so many times?
I didn’t even try to defend myself because I know he will somehow flip it and then end up messy. So I said sorry if you feel this way but I didn’t mean to hurt you in anyway. And then he asked me if we can meet up one last time; I asked him like dinner? He said sex too. I said I don’t want to come in and out in your life as you said and it’s not going to help moving on. Then he said oh okay well I thought it would be nice to see you one last time but yea understand that wish you the best. And then block me on social media too.So I did get the “peaceful” closure I guess. But am I wrong? I’m also in this loop for so long that idk if I’m delusional about things cuz he always denied everything and my feelings were not validated. However He sounded so hurt and seems like he loves me so much but I never felt it that way but then all the words still made me doubt myself. I hope I didn’t actually hurt him and didn’t give the chance to show me what he can offer? I hope he’s actually not worthy so I can be okay with leaving. Because I did keep coming back and I wonder if it’s actually my fault like he said…
Eric CharlesKeymasterI read everything you shared and, forgive me for being blunt and direct (I just want to answer fast so you have something):
The heart of the matter seems to be the idea that “he thinks you’re the bad guy.”
The idea that he’s heartbroken and “thinks you’re the bad guy” bothers you.
And I get it, breaking things off sucks. It’s often messy, sad and it never feels good.
Still… I can’t help but read all of this and think it makes perfect sense that you broke things off.
The biggest thing that stands out for me is that he said he didn’t want to be in a relationship with you.
He’s going to want more sex because… of course. Why wouldn’t he?
But that doesn’t work for you. Having ongoing sex with someone who explicitly said no to committing or being exclusive is what you clearly said you don’t want and can’t do.
Not because you don’t like him. Not because you don’t like sex.
But because it doesn’t work for you. For whatever reason, it doesn’t – maybe emotionally it doesn’t work for you, maybe you don’t want to have your love life tied up with someone who already explicitly said they don’t want commitment with you, maybe because you can’t trust him, etc.
Whatever the reason(s) are is secondary to the biggest point: It’s unworkable for you.
You made it clear what you need for it to work. He said no.So that’s it.
That doesn’t make you a bad guy. That makes you clearheaded. You didn’t do anything with bad intentions. You looked into yourself, saw what you need and communicated that.
I mean, what are you supposed to do? Say “oh OK I don’t want you to think I’m a bad guy” and then have ongoing FWB sex with him while he refuses to commit?
I don’t understand how choosing that would make sense for you or how refusing makes you a “bad guy” in this.
Seems cut and dry to me.
It’s unsettling, but I know women I’ve worked with where the other person chooses to frame them as a bad guy.
Why?
Because it keeps you engaged with them via the drama and unsettled tension. I’m not saying he’s consciously intending to do this, but on some level he might feel like if you feel guilty you’ll keep engaging with him and it will lead to a FWB situation through the drama and you trying to make sure he doesn’t see you as “the bad guy” or feel “heartbroken” by you.
I don’t think he’s a bad guy or to-blame either – just that what he’s willing to offer you doesn’t work, so you have no choice but to say no.
Is it sad? Yeah maybe but you have no choice.
Is it the response he wanted? Probably no, but again, he’s not offering something you can accept, so you have no choice but to say no!
Right?
Sounds to me like you just needed some reassurance that you’re not crazy here for making the choice you did. And from what you said, it makes perfect sense to me.
Nobody’s “the bad guy” here. You can wish him the best. You don’t have bad intentions towards him and you don’t want him to feel hurt or heartbroken.
But you can’t agree to something that doesn’t work for you and you’re clearheaded enough to see that. You weren’t mean or hostile in communicating that – just clear.
At that point, if he has a bad reaction, it’s more about him not getting what he wants and not that you somehow accidentally hurt him (and need to feel guilty about that or make up for it).
Hope it helps,
eric charles -
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