I need help, and an answer, to close this off


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This topic contains 17 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  tammy 4 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #930185 Reply

    Trace

    Hi,
    I dated him for 6 years. About 2 months ago we went abroad. It was preplanned and he had gone ahead of me for a few days to play in an amateur tennis tournament. It was him that pressed me to also come. I arrived, it all seemed normal and we made love. The next day he was a bit off. The day after he became downright rude. He then changed accommodation (there was no row or argument because he had just stopped talking). He made the excuse he wanted to be closer to the tournament, which I, of course, disbelieved. He then texted me and said “I thought I still had feelings for you but I don’t”. That was more or less it.
    I was devastated. I howled with tears…but fortunately on my own. I truly felt my heart had been ripped out. I was very angry as it dawned on me that he was having that last sex session knowing he was going to dump me.
    But I kept my cool and responded decently. I held my dignity by wishing him the best. I then saw him a few times around the resort and was civil (he was even friendly).
    Skip forward 3 weeks later. I sent him a text with a photo of the garden and some bad work that had taken place. He thanked me then out of the blue said this via text “I need to be honest with you. I met someone else. I met her a couple of days after we split up”. After a few texts it became clear he met her at the tournament. She is younger than me, Eastern European, doesn’t work, and I filled in the blank.
    I always thought I valued myself, but being replaced like this has destroyed me. He knows I loved him, and I guess that gave him all the power. I didn’t contact him for weeks. But sent a holiday message via WhatsApp and it looks like he blocked me! I had not pestered or anything. I am shocked I have been so thoroughly scrubbed from his life. I emailed him to ask why he did this, and I have heard nothing back. I feel worthless, discarded, unlovable.
    Why would I have been blocked when I did nothing wrong? How can he treat me this way after 6 years?

    #930186 Reply

    Kathy

    He is immature, has no empathy and is heartless to block you after 6 years. He knows you are extremely hurt and doesn’t want to deal with it! What a selfish man.

    If he can treat you this way after 6 years, this is someone you do not want! Please don’t feel bad about yourself. This is all about his selfishness.

    #930190 Reply

    Trace

    I can’t help feeling bad. I thought I was getting over it until the random message about the girl. I don’t know why he told me this out of the blue. He also added more, but it was mostly asking me not to tell anyone that we knew exactly what he had done to me, and anything about the girl.
    I had not even intimated I would, so it seemed insulting that he went on about this. And it made less sense, because he told me about her without me asking. It was like he dumped it all on me, upsetting me more, then said please keep my secret.
    It was after all this I started to question everything. How great she must be for him to so royally trash our 6 years together.
    I’ve started to doubt everything about myself. I was not good enough. I was so disposable. That he felt he could still confide in me. Then blocked me. I don’t know why the blocking me then got to me so badly, but it’s like he shut the door, locked it, and I’m outside. And so he can pretend I never existed. He went from being so into me, to nothing. So I must have meant nothing all along. It’s all opened up again and I feel raw, upset, angry, hurt. I both loathe him and love him deeply.

    #930220 Reply

    Maddie

    “He went from being so into me, to nothing. So I must have meant nothing all along.”

    Why must this be black and white with you choosing to be so hard on yourself? Why can’t the answer be he cared about you best he could but is a jerk with major issues so he didn’t have the capacity to show up for a long term serious relationship (his best is not acceptable)… and because it’s him and not you, he would eventually act terrible no matter who he is with. I don’t see this being about you or reflecting on your value or worth or loveability at all. I see this being him and not you, but it’s revealing to you there are insecurity issues on your own end that you have with yourself. That you’ve come to rely on him to fill discomfort within yourself, because perhaps chasing and winning over his approval temporarily made you feel better about yourself.

    Block him. He’s been a huge part of your life for a long time, but he does not define you. You define you. You’ve given him all the power to dictate who you are — why? He is in no position to do so since he’s a garbage person, why would you give someone like that power to decide anything? Choose to see this as you dodged a bullet. Choose to see this as this new woman he’s with is right at the beginning and maybe feel sorry for her that he could potentially waste 6 years of her life next. At least you are free to reinvent yourself and get away from his toxic waste dump.

    Choose to see yourself as having value no matter what. You deserve a lot better than a jerk who admits he doesn’t know how to treat people right and begs you to keep it a secret so that his reputation and ability to use people stays in tact! You think he’s not ashamed of who he is? He’s either a sociopath who lacks empathy and cares about no one’s feelings or he hates himself so much that he can’t handle taking responsibility for how he treats people and shuts them out to avoid seeing it. I also assume this isn’t there first time he’s ever acted unforgivably… I hope you can start to see that you deserve better and shouldn’t accept less.

    #930258 Reply

    Trace

    Addie, thank you. I don’t know why I gave him so much power. I only know I did, so when this happened I was blindsided and have felt a so powerless to control my negative thoughts and feelings (mostly about myself).
    And you are right, it was not the only unforgivable thing. There were many, and each time I told myself enough is enough. But I could never resist him.
    I know he has no empathy. He never has. But I always put this down to him being on the spectrum. But this ‘cutting off’ he has done is nothing like I thought he would do.
    In fact, the very first Birthday gift he bought me was whilst we were away that time when he finished it. A week after he told me he had no feelings for me. So, for a little while I thought perhaps he realised he made a mistake and still wanted me. Then I got the random, unasked for message that he had met someone else. I still cannot fathom that behaviour. Perhaps he told me because he really needed to confess to someone and in his warped mind I’m the person he trusts the most to keep his secrets. Or maybe it was guilt. I don’t know. Perhaps it was in order to slam the door in my face so I would never want him back, so he thought he would tell me to get rid of me for good.
    Even I thought that maybe the truth about him would set me free. Because I know now I can never trust him and there is no going back after this.
    But what I did not expect was to suffer like this. So many times I have been filled with such loathing for myself. That my face is ugly. My boobs too saggy. Almost seeing myself as a monster, because he has rejected me so I must be awful. The. I catch sight of myself in the mirror at work and am shocked to see myself – and I look good. Attractive. Nothing like where my head has now taken me.
    But he’s taking up head space.
    Your words made me cry Maddie. You are right. I need to fix myself somehow. I am a bit broken right now.

    #930259 Reply

    T from NY

    A few things I can absolutely guarantee you – one, you are not broken. You are going through an incredibly painful break up and having to readjust a lens you’ve been looking through for 6 years or more. The ONLY thing that will, most assuredly, move this healing along is time. And sitting in your discomfort, feeling the rotten feelings, while also intentionally redirecting those anguished feelings away from blaming yourself, or feeling undesirable or unworthy, is an intense and difficult undertaking! We’ve ALL BEEN THERE. But you can do it. As best you can.

    Choose to radically love yourself. Choose to be brave. And by being brave I don’t mean not afraid, not panicked, not desperately sad. Because all of that is NORMAL. But be brave enough to remind yourself that – these feelings will pass. Because feelings are NOT facts, and feelings are NEVER final. It’s the time to be still, and tender, or get up and be busy if you can manage it. Not running from it, not internalizing it. Just dealing with the intensity of it. And I promise, promise after many days, day in and out, you will be stronger, and lighter. Resist being action-oriented like stalking your ex’s media. Turn your attention to you. Tend to you. Sending hugs

    #930507 Reply

    Trace

    Thank you, all 3 of you.
    Bits of what all of you wrote have helped a lot: His selfishness. My propensity to see this in just black and white terms. That I am not broken and to give myself time. To not stalk his social media.
    I have not cried since the 29th December, despite being a bit ill and rundown.
    He is still in my head, but not every single minute of every day, like it was before. Time has helped, but it was mostly your words, so thank you so much for taking the time out in your busy days to help me through this. It is much appreciated.
    I am a work in progress, but I think I am healing a little more each day.
    Thank you

    #930518 Reply

    tammy

    he sounds terrible. He ended things with you this way after being together for 6 years! dsnt speak much for him. he dumped you when you traveled all the way just to spend some time with him. to be together for a short holiday. i think your so hurt also because of the way things ended. maybe your thinking you should have paid attention to the red flags in the past. its ok. relationships always involve compromise on both sides. its a give and take and at times we overlook certain things bec we love the person. glad to know your doing better.

    #930530 Reply

    Kathryn

    Just wanted to send hugs. I’ve been there. It’s soooo hard. But it does get better as everyone has mentioned. Hang in there!!

    #930607 Reply

    Trace

    Thank you.
    My next hurdle is later this week. I have to face our home, where there were so many good memories, which I have avoided for now. I am hoping this does not cause me to fall apart again.
    I have accepted he is not coming back. And I don’t want him back. In fact, I would love to never ever see him again, yet this will not be possible.
    When I first wrote here I knew he was not coming back, but that pain felt visceral. But right now, it’s acceptance and calm. That is progress.

    #930641 Reply

    tammy

    why do you have to face that home? to collect your things? did you guys share a house?

    #930684 Reply

    redcurleysue

    I am not a “fall for anything” type person and I could not see my husband of 17 years coming. Yes, also 3 children. When he pulled almost the same thing 18 years ago – I was shocked for a minute or two. I wondered how I would carry on without him. Over time I had learned to depend on him and now he was gone. What saved me is that I made my own money and could claim my independence fairly quickly.
    What you need is a objective person to talk your way out of the hole this has caused you. You are fine—the man is messed up—-not you. He cannot see, he is lacking – not you.

    #930725 Reply

    Anonymous

    This is so horrible! I’m so sorry to hear this.

    Take one step at a time and you will heal and become stronger. He sounds like a terrible person with little responsibility especially after 6 years!

    You dodged a bullet there! Take care of yourself.

    #930935 Reply

    Trace

    Update, and to answer a question:
    We shared one home, but had our own independently as well.
    So, here’s the news: I was more or less over it (as in not hating him, not crying, not hating myself so much, but still, every night when my head hit the pillow, relentlessly thinking of him and hoping one day to at least look back mistily at me realising he lost someone special). So, a bit over it really.
    On Friday he started sending me texts that contained love songs. Six in quick succession. It was his first contact since.
    He used to do this in our early days, but something told me it was not about me. Sure enough, he and the young Eastern European girl were going through a bad time. She was acting suspiciously and in turn he was becoming like a jealous stalker. He wanted to know if I ever felt he did not trust me, and I said yes, even though he had no reason. Somehow it led to him spewing everything out: he’s ‘sponsoring’ her so she can stay in the country; she has a 3 year old kid; he’s moving to Greece and buying them a villa!!! After 3 months. But he wanted my advice – is she just after him for his money.
    You’ll be proud to know I kept the high ground, that is until today. He wouldn’t stop with all the “woe is me” nonsense. So I told him straight that he is a selfish guy, so if she is after him for his money, and he’s going to give her money and spoil her, then it’s a transaction so what does he care if it’s love or not?
    He even sent me her photo! Unbidden. And…she is amazingly gorgeous. Everything I feared. Younger, fitter, beautiful, social media savvy. Almost the perfect human being (if you saw her images on instagram).
    But strangely enough it left me even calmer. I could never compete with that. Never. No matter how kind, caring, loving, slim etc. she has youth and is great at marketing herself. Me, I’m just a normal person.
    But from this exchange I am aghast at him. He really wasn’t special after all. He was just a rich guy with a d*ck who wasn’t so nice (as proven in what he did to me) and just wants a bit of young hottie on his arm to show off. He’s an idiot who will no doubt be taken to the cleaners.

    #930936 Reply

    Trace

    Oh, and one last thing. He said in the 6 years we were together, he “really liked” me. But never loved me. Wow.
    There’s a bit of me hurt, but actually I don’t think it is entirely true. Certainly he was besotted with me in the first few years. But he grew not to like my strength. He didn’t like that I was more confident than him. Lots of things really that others would see as good things.
    But that’s his new narrative now he has “found himself true love”. His words.

    #930937 Reply

    Raven

    Have you blocked him yet?

    #930939 Reply

    Maddie

    Agree with Raven, it’s time to have totally separated your situations (with the house, if you haven’t already), and block him. He’s an awful person and sounds to me like he is totally emotionally unstable. He probably will get taken to the cleaners here, and he deserves it. And you deserve to not know or care about it when it happens.

    Don’t sell yourself short about “competing” with a pretty younger woman, either. While plenty of crappy men are that shallow, and you’ve been conditioned to feel that way by being with one for so long, not every man is this way. You need a partner who is not an unstable man child and will appreciate your strength and maturity, and they do exist.

    #930995 Reply

    tammy

    wow! as if what you said wasn’t enuf, he has now gone even lower if that’s possible. lady you just had a lucky escape. he behaved so badly with you and now has the audacity to get in touch and seek your advice on his love life. what the heck!! why are you even listening to him and giving any advice? just tell him you don’t really want to know and focus on breaking ties with him forever. My suggestion is to sort out and deal with any pending links between you guys and then just block this man forever. so what if shes gorgeous? you have some great qualities yourself. so pls dont even give that a thought.

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