I find this frustrating


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This topic contains 18 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Newbie 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #785744 Reply

    Lil

    Hey, just wondering on how you would handle this situation.

    I’ve been seeing this guy for a little while he was very quick to lock me down and call me his girlfriend . We both have children and are in our 40s

    He always tells me that if I have something on on Saturday night or if I’m tired etc then he is fine with that and just let him know. Sometimes I just want to catch up on all my work but we usually spend Saturday night together and breakfast the next morning .

    I told him tonight that this Saturday I’ve decided that I would like to spend some time alone catching up on things. I have my daughter full time and only have Saturday nights free and Sunday mornings.

    He wasn’t happy and has decided to cut the conversation short. It’s obvious he is very annoyed. Last Saturday I was exhausted but made the effort to drive over to him and go out for dinner etc. he told me I looked tired and said I am a bit and his reply was you know I’m totally fine if you need to stay at home and rest or cancel. Don’t feel any pressure etc We am always catch up during the week. So on the very odd occasion when I do say hey do you mind if I don’t see you this sat he takes it really badly and goes quiet.

    Any advice? it feels awful. Makes me nervous about telling him I want to do somthing else with my one day off.

    #785745 Reply

    Newbie

    I would leave it for now. Im sure he will understand and maybe you are even projecting a bit thinking he is mad. You told him you need the next saturday for yourself. He told you serveral times he would be fine in theory. So stop wondering.

    #785750 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Does he drive over to see you sometimes? Does he cook you dinner? (Instead of going out).Just wondering. I would hope that he would be accomodating & understanding of your limited availability & energy.

    I agree with Newbie, let it go for now. Next time ask him to come to you if it’s easier for you.

    #785751 Reply

    Lil

    Thanks Newbie,

    The point is he is not fine with it.

    He tells me it’s fine but then when I do tell him that I’ve decided that I’m going to catch up with things he isn’t happy. Like tonight he basically hung up on me saying fine ok, his voice no longer light and happy. He was annoyed.

    It’s like upsetting a parent, when they tell you you are not in trouble but you know that they are not happy at all.that passive aggressive ok…

    #785752 Reply

    Lil

    He does Liz, which is great but he doesn’t really give me time to catch up with other people like friends and family. If you are using all your time to see the one person it isn’t healthy.

    I also occasionally crave an evening alone. Solo parenting is exhausting and I’m very much an introvert needing my own space on occasion.

    #785756 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I hear you. It’s a problem. So basically you’re only available to see him one night a week, correct?

    I can understand his point too. I wouldn’t be happy if I could only see my boyfriend one night a week, and at times he (understandably) had other things to do that night. I can totally understand why, but it wouldn’t make me happy to go 2 weeks without being able to see him. I’m a single parent too and so is my boyfriend so we’ve had to navigate this, although not to the degree you have, it sounds like.

    When my son was younger (he’s a teenager now) & I had not yet met my current bf, I would trade babysitting with other single moms to be able to go out on dates or see friends. Is that an option? Do you have family who could help? Maybe get a babysitter (or trade babysitting) on a Friday night or even a weeknight so you can have dinner with your bf? Just to give yourself a little more freedom.

    #785758 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Another thought: I don’t know how long you have been dating, or whether you want to deepen the relationship and get more involved with him, etc. But assuming you do, at some point you’re going to have to find ways to make yourself more available. (I’m not attacking or blaming you here so I hope I don’t come off that way!) Right now your life is pretty compartmentalized, you have very limited availability which is 1 night a week. If you want to move the relationship forward you will have to find ways to be able to see him more often. Even if it means getting a babysitter for a couple hours so that you can eat dinner together on a weeknight. Eventually you will meet each others kids, etc, and then you’ll be able to see each other more on weekends.

    As I said, I’m a single mom too, my boyfriend is a dad also, we’ve been together about 2 years now but this was both our first relationship dating someone else with a child and having to integrate our children into our relationship. It was definitely a learning process.

    So my suggestion is, instead of worrying about him being mad, why not have a talk with him about creative ways you can try to see each other more. Can you meet for lunch during the week during the workday? Can you hire a babysitter to have dinner together during the week? Etc.

    #785759 Reply

    Newbie

    I think nuance matters here. If he has a history of saying one thing and then starts to port, it maybe a not so pretty character trait and its up to you how to deal with it. Next see you see him, you can simply tell him you dont like his passive aggresive attitude. If this was a one time thing where he went silent after you told him, i would let it go. I also agree with liz lemon that if the two of you are serious, you should make more space for each other. Unless you both want to keep this casual. Good luck

    #785760 Reply

    Newbie

    *starts to pout

    #785778 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Wait to see if he calms down and contacts you. It is ok he was disappointed, just let him calm down. Then tell him to use his words like an adult…,

    #785780 Reply

    Khadija

    Take your space and don’t feel guilty about it.

    Our lives need balance and if you need time alone, its ok.

    I think his frustration comes from the limited time you spend with him. I’m not a parent but, I can only imagine how it is being a single mother.

    I do agree that if you want to take things to the next level perhaps its time to look into getting a sitter a few hours a week for dates.

    For now leave him be to cool off.

    #785790 Reply

    Lil

    Newbie was right it’s the saying one thing and then doing another, not the limited dating thing.

    This is a personality trait that I do not like. He will say I would love to come over and help you with X , it’s usually something that I really need a hand with. and I have fallen for this a couple of times. He does come over but he has no intention of actually helping at, all he wants to is to in bed the whole time with me. If I direct us towards the thing he said he really wanted to help me with he gets pouty and a bit sulky. Yes there is send as well but didn’t you say you wanted to come and give me a hand? It somehow doesn’t feel nice.

    We live a hour apart. I have made more time for him by taking time off during my working week. I don’t want to introduce him to my daughter as a family unit. And blend the families. I have explained this to him so we are on the same page.

    #785805 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    In that case, if he’s saying one thing then doing another– yeah, that is an annoying personality trait. Have you addressed it with him at all?

    Do you think he’s happy with the amount of time you spend together? Do you think he wants more? You said he has agreed to come over to help around the house, but really just wants to spend the time in bed with you. It doesn’t sound like you have a lot of time for him (one night a week maximum)– which is fine, you have what you have and he accepts that. But maybe he’s wanting more? It’s wrong of him not to be verbalizing this, if that’s the case. And it’s wrong of him to pout and sulk. But I’m trying to put myself in his shoes. If I had very limited time with my boyfriend (one night a week max, and sometimes not even that), if I went to his house I wouldn’t want to spend the evening doing chores either! I’d want to be cuddling and in bed with him.

    At any rate, even if this is the case, he should not be agreeing to do things for you and then sulking when you expect him to actually do them.

    #785822 Reply

    Lil

    Thanks for the advice…

    I guess I enjoy his company he is an amazing lover and good friend. He texts me constantly during the day or rings , I sometimes feel smothered to be honest. The times I have taken a night for myself he will want to phone chat and will send flowers. I don’t seem to have the same deep need to see him.

    He did ring me this morning. he told me he couldn’t sleep last night as he was worried about our relationship. He also tried to talk me into seeing him this sat night.

    #785843 Reply

    kaye

    So he is still trying to manipulate you into seeing him Saturday night! Tell him it really bothers you that he will say he is fine if you are tired and and need to catch up on things but then when you actually ask for free time he gets annoyed. How he says he does’t want you to feel pressured yet now he is pressuring you to see him on Saturday!!

    What about a compromise? Could you have someone watch your daughter on Sunday afternoon and he could drive over for breakfast/brunch Sunday morning and you have some time together that afternoon before you have to get her?

    #785845 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    He definitely sounds smothering. It’s not right of him to demand your attention when you’ve specifically asked to have an evening to yourself.

    However, it also seems to me like you’re just not into him as much as he is into you. “I don’t seem to have the same deep need to see him.” Wanting to see your girlfriend more than once every 2 weeks (if you skip a Saturday) isn’t a “deep need”, it’s normal when you’re in a relationship with someone. I’m not trying to be harsh with you at all, so hope I’m not coming across that way. So I do have sympathy for your boyfriend honestly, but I also know where you’re coming from. It’s definitely unfair that he’s pressuring you or manipulating you.

    Maybe you two just aren’t a good match? How long have you been dating?

    #785851 Reply

    Newbie

    I can see now how that behaviour is disturbing for you. I find it incredible that he manages to have a where do we stand talk when he created the whole issue and then still tries you for saturday. I hope you took the opportunity to tell him he doesnt make you feel save or himself trustworthy when he says he understands if you want to skip a weekend, but that as soon as you do this, he not only mopes, but also questions the relationship over it and to top it off, still wants you to come. This would totally turn me off too. Also i agree with liz lemon. You dont sound that into him and he might be picking up on that vibe. Good luck. At least have a proper talk about expectations and dont try to save the relationship at your own expense

    #785862 Reply

    Lil

    After we spoke on the phone yesterday about it he rang again later that night and wanted to talk about it all over again. It was another seriously long 45 min conversation with him needing to pick apart our relationship again! I explained this need to go over the relationship time and time again gets exhausting as we are going around in circles.
    We should just be enjoying our time together.

    He is still trying to work out ways that we can see each other this Saturday. There are saturdays that he can’t see me due to family commitments and I’m always a bit sad that I won’t get to see him but Apart from that all good. He has a habit of not really listening to what I want or need. We usually catch up on a week day day.

    When I first got on the phone he commented that I sounded relaxed and happy but the end of the 4o mins I was stesssed out and had a headache. It’s feeling obsessive and toxic, this need to analyse every detail.

    I came away thinking about women who get all anxious and obsessed over every detail of what the person that they are dating are saying and doing and texting. Being on there other end of that is horrible. I had to explain over and over again that I was not going anywhere I just needed to get things done this Saturday. I had to cut him short over the 45 min mark because I couldn’t take another loop of the the angst and analysing what was said how he felt what I was doing etc.

    What was a simple hey this Saturday I’m going to stay home and catch up on work has turned into an exhausting never ending conversation. This is totally pushed me away.

    Kaye he can’t see me during the day on saturdays or after breakfast Sundays due to his children. So no not only me with limited time.

    This is getting way too much for me, I love big talks and deep conversations but this is feeling nuts

    #785863 Reply

    Newbie

    I would be real angry right now and i can see how he is using up all your time phoning and texting. I would be done for exactly what you said. A marathon talk about nothing would exhaust me too. Plus it wont change. Imagine the next time you have no time. It wil take you two days to explain it and maybe more. Was he like this in other relationships too? You said he locked you down pretty fast.

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