This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by M 1 year, 6 months ago.
April 27, 2022 at 2:40 pm #933004
Three weeks ago I saw a guy on a dance floor and smiled, we hit it off, our friends hung out after the gig, I went home with him. We had a great morning chatting and getting to know each other, went to brunch before he drove me home.
I followed up that evening w a text about enjoying meeting him. He replied and said essentially same and complemented me on my attitude to life and being fun.
I texted him during the week, had some texts back and forth all good. Then on the Friday chat started up and he and his mate eventually came and joined my sisters and I at a pub. We were all super drunk, had a good night, I stayed at his again.
Next morning he was feeling s**t, and we just slept really. He did apologise for not being any fun and said that he’d make it up to me/that I should hold him to that. He also said how it was nice waking up next to me.
I left while he was still in bed and everything seemed fine. He then went away for the week the following day – I didn’t text and neither did he. I prefer to just be in the moment when away and I know he was keen to be out of the city and feels like he’s in a rut so I gave him space.
Msg’d the night he came home and asked how it was, 24hrs later he replied and said about it being a s***ty late reply, and said he’d passed out and was now on the farm w his son (a previous relationship). I replied the next morning – at least you called yourself out… and then text about the week etc. This was Sunday morning, he’s not yet replied and it’s Wednesday.
I don’t understand, what happened? What do I do if anything?April 27, 2022 at 2:41 pm #933026
Sorry the forum held this back, Sally! I went ahead and pushed this to be published.April 27, 2022 at 3:14 pm #933027
I don’t really understand your question…
You met a guy, had sex with a guy.
He’s not returned your texts-
Sounds like a ‘one night stand’ type of situation. What are you looking for in this guy?April 27, 2022 at 3:29 pm #933028
“I don’t understand, what happened? What do I do if anything?”
To answer this question, we need to understand more where you’re coming from. Like Raven said, what were you expecting??
To most men, sex is sex. They’ll take it if you offer it. They can have fun with you, enjoy the sex and get up the next morning and not give you another thought. Sounds like he did the classic “hit it them quit it.” Sounds like you think sex is the gateway to dating or a relationship. It is not. Sounds like you thought having sex with him a couple of times created a connection, interest in you for more than casual sex and an obligation to keep contacting you. I”m sorry, that’s not the way it works. You did nothing “wrong” – he’s just taken this as a bit of fun and isn’t interested in anything more.
If you can’t handle sleeping with a man you just meet and not hearing from him again and/or having no romantic interest in you, then you should protect your heart and your feelings (and your body, from disease and unwanted pregnancy) and hold off on sex until you’ve been out with a man at least a few times and have gauged if you like him, he meets your standards and he’s genuinely interested in you and actually available for a relationship, which is what I’m guessing is your end goal since you’re posting here asking why he isn’t pursuing you because he slept with you.April 27, 2022 at 3:59 pm #933029
Sandi in Miami summed it up very well.
You’ve met this guy twice, and you got really drunk and had sex both times. So all your in-person interactions have been based on alcohol and sex. That’s not the basis for a relationship. Yes, I know you slept over and had brunch and all that, but the bottom line is that booze and sex were the fuel for your interactions.
Many women think that sex automatically means the guy is interested in a relationship. Nothing is further from the truth! A guy will gladly have sex with you and move on when he doesn’t feel the urge anymore (which Sandi already summarized).
To create the foundation for a relationship, you need to meet a guy when sober- not getting drunk on dates- and going out at least a few times before sex, so that you can gauge his interest level in you.
There’s a very good article on this site called “when to have sex with a guy” that breaks it down well. I suggest you look for it and read it. Guys don’t bond with women through sex. Sex is just sex to them. They also don’t bond through texting. Guys bond by spending quality time with you in person, getting to know you, and getting comfortable with you so you can know them. Men fall in love outside the bedroom.
As for what to do now- do nothing. This guy may never contact you again. Or he may contact you casually, texting for attention. He may want to hook up once in awhile. But if you’re hoping for a relationship, this is not your guy.April 27, 2022 at 4:57 pm #933031
There are some great answers here already, so I won’t restate what they’ve already said.
I agree with their points and first and foremost, that is my main answer too.
However, you asked what you can do, so I will speak to that because you asked.
For starters, let’s talk about mindset.
Treat this as already done, already over.
Because one of the worst mindsets you can be in is a woman trying stuff to save a relationship!
But if you treat it like it’s already over and there’s nothing to lose, then you’ll be in a better mindset to try stuff.
Not saying anything will lead to anything. Just saying if you’re trying to save/repair a relationship or “get him back”, you’re already screwed.
It’s better you’re loosey goosey, nice and easygoing about experimenting.
OK, so that’s the first requirement. If you care about what happens, forget it.
Give up on it first, then you’re ready. :)
OK so next, here’s a good core thought to work from.
This man is living his life.
He has hopes, dreams, motivations, fears, frustrations, regrets, aspirations, etc.
But most of the time he’s just doing the best he can to make it through the day. That’s just about all of us!
He has a life and primarily his focus in to deal with his life and find a way to win in this world in a way that’s meaningful to him.
“Winning” to him might look like getting to go on a fishing trip and drink beers with his buddies once every 3 months.
“Winning” might look like spending time with his son and teaching him how to fish.
“Winning” might be going to bars and having one night stands.
I don’t know what winning looks like for this guy. I don’t know much about his life and I don’t think you do either, yet.
If you want a man to think about you in a relationship context, then understanding his life and what “winning” looks like for him is your gateway.
That’s a mission of discovery, not a bag of tricks and tactics.
Funny thing is, even being genuinely, innocently curious about this aspect of his life can start putting you on track towards relationship potential in his mind.
Why? Because most women have no curiosity about any of this (despite it being where his love buttons are)!
Discover who he is as a man. Discover the journey he’s on, what he’s moving towards, what matters to him, etc.
When you understand his life, that’s where you may start to see if you fit.
If having you in his life helps him on his journey towards achieving the meaningful things he cares about, he will move closer towards seeing you as having relationship potential.
Now this all might be moot given the earlier context (and again, my main answer mirrors what SandinMiami and Liz Lemon said already).
I wanted to give you something to speak to “where do I go from here” and I figured if you’re asking, then this is an answer that will be helpful no matter what even if this guy is already gone.
Hope that’s helpful.
April 27, 2022 at 9:06 pm #933035
- This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by Eric Charles.
I learned a lot from what you wrote Eric. Thanks!May 8, 2022 at 7:31 pm #933275
Man, I love this. Ask, Where is he going? Then meet him there.
I think I’m finally getting it!!! 😀✨