I am… so confused – not even sure if he ghosted & i regret calling him out


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals I am… so confused – not even sure if he ghosted & i regret calling him out

This topic contains 13 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Tallspicy 1 month ago.

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  • #821919 Reply

    Emma

    I honestly…cannot believe I’m writing this in an online forum, but my friends are sick of me, and maybe objectivity will help.

    Was seeing a guy for…a little over 3 months. Weekly dates, talking every day, an ACTUAL click I never get with anyone, great sex, same values, raised the same way…etc. Knew he was still on dating apps though I’m not sure how actively, but we never had that conversation so he didn’t “owe” me anything…but it was progressively irritating me that i was never totally sure where we stood.

    Every day for 3 months I’d get texts about how my day was, he’d ask to make plans (though I didn’t meet anyone “important” but we’re in a pandemic and he went through quite a tragedy over the summer – the whole time of which he kept in contact) A few weeks ago, he stopped initiating conversation so I made the effort to, but then it was ONLY me. He’d respond if i reached out, but wasn’t doing it on his own. So I stopped, and after 4 days of nothing, I sent him a note saying “this is pretty inconsistent & lukewarm and I don’t want to invest any more time into something that’s not mutual, and even if I’m wrong I really need consistency or communication – been great getting to know you but I’m going to take a step back from investing anymore time here” He didn’t respond and I haven’t heard anything since and now I don’t know if I completely overreacted and he thought everything was fine or if the change in effort meant he was just trying to get me to do the dirty work.

    helpppppppp :(

    #821924 Reply

    Anon

    He is not interested in a relationship- unfortunately. Something most likely happened that made him feel like he didn’t want one. But the nice thing is you told him you’re not interested in this behavior. So when he returns back- tell him no way- this is over. That’s how you let him know what you think about this behavior from him. No deal

    #821925 Reply

    Ss

    Why are you second guessing this? If he cared he would have responded to you if he was actually that keen or interested. Your gut feeling was that he was fading. Even if he wasn’t losing interest (he was though) you don’t want man that makes zero effort so you took charge and called time. Which was an ok thing to do. Personally i don’t bother calling guys out. I just wait and observe and no contact from them tells you that they aren’t interested enough. I never instigate with men until I’m confident that they are consistent and i have learnt to not give a sh*t until a mans my boyfriend.

    If you hadn’t called him out its possible he would have popped back up when he felt like it, but if a man really likes you they don’t just disappear or stop making an effort. I wonder if you had been hoping that your calling him out would have triggered a better response from him and better behaviour?

    Honestly, he was still actively on dating sites. You’d been sleeping together without any discussion on exclusivity etc so he probably saw it as casual. You didn’t want casual so you were right to end it and move on. Its frustrating when men do this but its sadly just part of dating these days.

    #821934 Reply

    Raven

    If he were interested, he would have stepped up…

    Also, that he stopped initiating tells you what you need to know…
    I bet you a dozen donuts, he will come sniffing around again.

    #821938 Reply

    Newbie

    These stories are never fun to read. But i believe he actually did you a favour, although i will never understand why its so hard for guys to say: its not working for me.
    So first Google seven stages a guy falls in love. It will explain a lot: this guy never made it to the last step. He didnt fall in love as in youre the one.
    Then: dont date a guy for 3 months thinking he doesnt owe you anything. If youre sleeping with him, dont you think you can ask for being sexual exclusive in return? You are selling yourself short here. Dont do that again. Would you board a plane where the pilot would tell you he doesnt know how to fly before you enter? Of course not. Dont have a Lets keep having sex with this guy and date without having one clue what so ever where you stand.
    For now: grieve this guy, and know soon you wont think about him anymore. Its not fun, its a process you have to go throw. And after it you will be fine

    #821939 Reply

    Newbie

    I also agree with raven, he will be back sniffing for more sex. Learn from the first time

    #821961 Reply

    Vera

    If he were interested he would have stepped up!
    And if you hadn’t said anything he still wouldn’t have stepped up.
    Most guys who start off casual don’t magically change their minds after months ….

    #822096 Reply

    mama

    How someone treats you is more important than how much you like him. You made a good decision for yourself in terms of calling him out. You wanted to call him out on his behavior in hopes he came running. He didn’t. That’s his answer and that’s all you need to move forward.

    You didn’t blow anything out of proportion. You wanted to be treated with respect and you weren’t getting that. It’s okay, you can walk away with your head held high in that. However, I think some of the other posters mentioning that you did have a right (and a personal obligation to yourself) to work out an agreement regarding sex, etc. is something you can learn from.

    Live and learn. :)

    #822212 Reply

    emily

    God this is so theraputic and reassuring. I’m glad I posted it. I’ve been doing mental gymnastics for 3 weeks that I looked crazy by calmly saying something and removing myself and he felt rejected. Worth noting, we didn’t have 1 tense moment in nearly 4 months, so this really was out of left field. the “why” is irrelevant, i’m sure I don’t want to know why – I just…wasn’t sure if I made the right call by stepping back and didn’t want to say nothing because then he could say well you didn’t reach out to me either.

    #822219 Reply

    emily

    Also, I did say date 1 I don’t want casual sex and it very genuinely seemed like it was headed some sort of way even though I didn’t ask for exclusivity because quite honestly I’m new to “dating” i’ve been in relationships for 10 years – since I was 19. I didn’t really want him to come running but i DID want the respect of a “hey, I’m not interested anymore, this isn’t for me” and I think I would’ve been ok.

    I can’t seem to wrap my head around the slow disappearing act. :(

    #822305 Reply

    Tallspicy

    You did not listen to his actions. In fact, you did not even listen to his lack of words. Next time:

    A. Do not contact men who are not your boyfriend. Only if they are very consistent as a reward… 1/4 about. If they pull away, that is a sign of inconsistency and is rewarded with silence.

    B. Men who want to be boyfriends act like it usually within a month and usually lock it down by 6-8 weeks, 12 latest. You don’t know where you stand, he is not committing.

    C. It is not enough to say you don’t want casual sex. You only want sex in a growing exclusive relationship. This should be said prior to sex and that you are attracted to him, but you will not be sleeping with any man still online dating others. You can decide when that is the right thing together.

    D. Never date a man once a week for more than a month unless there are circumstances such as kids and distance, it is a sure sign you are a one night a week girl, relationships escalate.

    E. Always ask a man what he is looking for from dating (not you) at around date 3. Anything less than I am open to the real deal should I find it should be ended.

    F. As painful as it is and as unkind and immature, he did tell you he was not interested. In actions.

    But I don’t think he was that into it after week four anyhow.

    #822306 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Ps, you dodged a bullet. After 4-6 dates any man who just disappears is at min immature and at worst a jerk.

    #822398 Reply

    emily

    Eep. Well this is all very insightful.

    His best friend died in a literal freak accident about a month into us seeing each other, which I think is the only reason I made excuses because I would not be ok for quite awhile after that. In my head he did nothing technically “wrong”, was sweet to me, saw me consistently, reached out every day.

    Tough. :( Lesson learned. I REALLY appreciate the time anyone takes to give an objective point of view – you all can’t imagine how helpful it is to get out of my own head and see it clearly. Thanks all <3

    #822402 Reply

    Tallspicy

    The lesson is to not be emotionally invested in men who are not your boyfriend. The 0 f&cks rule of dating. Until you are exclusive…. not only sexually exclusive, no man should take up any headspace other than a nice time in the moment, letting him lead and observing if he is coming closer….

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