How would you react?


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This topic contains 18 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Tallspicy 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #783835 Reply

    Karry

    I will try to make this short. BF and I have been together a little over 4 yrs. We have had our ups and downs (Hes younger than me) and now that I look back many of our arguments were very immature and pointless. I mean honestly I was expecting more than he could give at the time…I keep telling myself since he was only 25 when I met him!

    Anyway, we like to drink. If we go out we like to have a good time, Uber of course, etc but we will both enjoy our time and drinks. I have questioned his drinking habits in the past. He will drink 1-2 beers a day(not bad)and sometimes not any but when we go out or have some get together w/friends/family he gets drunk! Very annoying and has been a major issue for us. His friends honestly are crappy! All of the friends he was close to when I met aren’t the best guys you want your man hanging out with. One was in and out of jail (DUMB!) others just partied like he did when I met him. Not my favorites btw…and for the most part he doesn’t speak to them much anymore (I’m glad,….hes made some major growth with that) so he doesn’t really have guys night or goes out. I will go out with my sisters or friends but very rare since we both work a lot. So if we go out its usually together.

    The point of my story: There have been multiple times in the past he has either gone out with some of his friends house or will go to one of his fav restaurant bars and gets trashed. I have had to pick him up twice (spaced out in the past 4 yrs) because he couldn’t drive. It really pisses me off and is really frustrating because I don’t drink like that and never put myself in those situations. I also try not to be naggy and have even sat in my feelings and tried to understand his side. He doesn’t have many of the same friends, he doesn’t go out much, so I should just shut up and let him enjoy his time. Right? Well, he hadn’t done that in about a yr or so…and it happened yesterday. He went in at 2pm or so (On a Monday) and didn’t come back home until close to 10pm when the place closes. His phone was dead at that. I know he was there, i do believes him but i’m flabbergasted right now. He walked in kinda stumbling and just asked if I was hungry. He went to bed after that. I just told him to stay away from me. ( I was livid but proud I didn’t argue)

    Should I just shut up about this? I was really in my thoughts last night when I called and his phone went to vm…I was thinking “i’m tired of this same ol,” etc. “Hes never going to change.” When we woke up this am he didn’t say a word to me but I know hes feeling like crap right now. He texted me earlier just saying he didn’t hang up on me, that his phone died and he was talking to the bartender/owners. I know who they are so not doubting him…my question is should I just let it go? I HATE that he says hes only having one drink and then 8 hours late finally responds or shows up…but I feel like he will use this as leverage for example since I get to hang out with my sisters. I want to view this maturely and not be a crazy or controlling gf too but I need input!!

    #783836 Reply

    Karry

    ***TO add i’m not happy at all about yesterday and my feelings are past anger. I feel hurt and betrayed in a way that he would still do something like this yrs later but I’m surprisingly calm and seeing where i’m going to take this or to just let it go.

    #783839 Reply

    Khadija

    First off both of you should have a social life outside of your relationship.
    No one should be holding time with friends/family over the others head.

    To answer your question,no you should not shut up about his binge drinking.

    Its obviously problematic and needs to be addressed. Do you want to end up with a husband that gets drunk whenever he goes out with friends? Probably not.

    #783841 Reply

    Karry

    Khadija- Of course not. I have had these talks with him in the past. My hopes for this relationship are slowly fading since things seem to be stalled and his drinking habits have changed minimally. :/

    #783847 Reply

    Raven

    So, you’re dating a 30 year old drunk…

    Do you plan on marrying & having children with a drunk?

    #783849 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Honestly, if he gets sloppy once a year, I think it is naggy to push on it. I bet there is something you do every now and then that is not great – yelling or being bit$chy. I actually would think it was cute, if it happened rarely

    #783893 Reply

    kaye

    I’m a actually with Tallspicy on this one! Maybe it’s because I was married to an alcoholic who got drunk ALL of the time, but seems to me if you’ve only had this issue twice in 4 years that’s one every 2 years. Now you’re saying it’s only been a year since the last time this happened. If my husband only did something once a year to piss me off I would be thrilled!! LOL It also sounds like he has grown up over the time you’ve been together because he has dumped some of his friends you didn’t like him hanging around with.

    I know you’re mad and upset but I would totally twist this around and approach it a different way. I would say honey is there something going on with work or family issues? Because it’s just not like you to go to a bar at 2 on a random Monday and come back home 8 hours later. If there’s something you want to talk about I really would like to know what’s bothering you.

    By doing this you are showing empathy and maybe it really does bother him he doesn’t have friends to drink with anymore or maybe he just had a really bad day at work or he could have just found out a good friend of his had passed away. You need to open up a dialogue and see if there is something behind this. Because if he’s only behaving like this once a year or every two years and he’s never driving himself home in this condition then I think you are being naggy and acting like a mom instead of a GF!!!

    #783911 Reply

    Newbie

    Im also thinking along the lines of tall spicy. Its easy to call the guy a drunk loser but based on your post it has happened two times where you had to collect him (which i do think is over the top but in the past now) and last monday he came back in on 10pm. Thats not too bad. If this is the frequency i guess something else ticks you off

    #783913 Reply

    Karry

    To clarify he has gotten drunk way more times than 2 lol but only 2 times I’ve had to pick him up like a momma helping her son. UGH. I mean since we go out together often we usually both drink a lot but him way more than me of course. That is why we always Uber.

    He has told me in the past when we’ve had these discussions and ive asked him why he would do this? His response was he needed his “guy time.” About 2 years ago we lived in a duplex and he and the neighbor became somewhat Bffs and would drink on our porch almost every weekend. We fought so much at that time because he would stay out (yes the porch) but wouldn’t come back in side until 1-2am. This was over 2 years ago. A lot of our arguments im honestly writing off as his immaturity level was still party boy in party mode.

    Yesterday he was with the owner a male and the owners son, another male. He actually used to work at this place when he was a teen so they go way back….i’m not trying to defend him because I still feel its unfair to drink away for hours and have your phone shut off but I’m trying to be understanding without being in denial if that makes sense.

    #783914 Reply

    Tallspicy

    I think you are being ridiculous. It is reasonable for someone to tie one on once or twice a year. And to want to get silly with his guy friends. You are just mad his phone was off, which if he did not have plans with you was reasonable as well.

    I think you are being a naggy girlfriend who is controlling. Sorry.

    He is allowed to be silly every now and then.

    #783915 Reply

    Newbie

    If you have been fighting over the same issue for years it doesnt really matter who is at fault. Its time to call it quits. The same thing applies if you ask more than he gives. It doesnt really matter who is overasking or undergiving, its a sign its not working out.

    #783916 Reply

    Karry

    Tallspicy- I appreciate your honesty. I have honestly been trying to work on not being a controlling gf for everrr and I think I have made some growth but there are still times I wonder if i’m wrong for feeling a certain way or if my feelings are justified. Thanks again! :)

    #783917 Reply

    Tallspicy

    I could be more constructive… I think you are triggered and it is reminding you of a bad time in your relationship. How about dialing it back to see how far he and you have come. If it keeps happening, by all means, talk to him about your concerns.

    #783918 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Btw, my issue is you feeling like he should have his phone on, and available…. we are all controlling and crazy sometimes. Totally human and ok!!! Just recognize your triggers and respond with some reflection. It is ok to tell him you are not available to pick him up late at night. He needs to Uber if he is late.

    #783919 Reply

    Newbie

    You said a lot about how immature he was and how you were like his mommy picking him up. Makes me wonder how big the age gap is and if this is on your mind a lot. Je os close to 30 now so really grown up by now

    #783920 Reply

    Newbie

    *he is close to 30 now

    #783921 Reply

    Karry

    Newbie- He is 30, ill be turning 34 in a few months so a few years apart. But when I met him the age gap was very obvious at times…and at other times I was just having fun with him. He has shown me a LOT of the fun I missed out when I was in my 20’s and in a dead marriage. When I met him after the divorce and dating on/off for a few yrs he was just a “fun guy” in my mind and that’s all I really wanted but 4 yrs later lol and here we are.

    #783922 Reply

    Karry

    Tallspicy- There is definitely a trigger…you nailed it. Doesn’t help that my father was a drunk for most of my childhood until he changed his ways. I have actually been digging deeper with my emotional trauma and have wondered at times if I’m self torturing myself being in this relationship when he has had his drunken nights. It’s hard though and sometimes I feel like a hypocrite since I like drinking too! Like you said there has been growth and that I’m very grateful for.

    #783923 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Ok, so you know you are triggered. But, if he does not come from that background, then he is not doing anything wrong. Unless you find someone in recovery, or has religious beliefs around alcohol it is unlikely you will find someone who will never act silly around alcohol occasionally.

    And that is what you need to say to yourself “if bob is drinking, he is being silly, and that is because he is not my dad”.

    You should feel like a hypocrite, because you are being one. Unless you stop drinking, it is not fair to judge him unless you really feel your levels are incompatible. I drink very little, I could not be with someone who drinks regularly more than a drink or two, or gets silly every now and then. I smoke pot, once a week and if I had a partner who was in some sort of recovery, I could never do it again. I have gone a whole decade without a puff.

    You are never going to find someone perfect. He seems to be considerate, focused on growth and lets off steam now and then. Sounds pretty good, in my opinion. Next time you have to pick him up, tell him you will, but he has to cook for you or clean the house for a month…. That seems more fair than yelling at him.

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