Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › How to stop feeling like a burden to my boyfriend?
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Maddie.
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Kiara
Me and my bf been together for 6 months. He considers me responsible and hard working girl. I had recent successes at my work which we celebrated and he’s always there being supportive of me and understanding despite working long hours myself. I had some bad news today at work reduction of salary and freezing of my promotion so there’s a lot of uncertainty going on. I called him cause I needed to talk to him and discuss this but he was busy so he called me later in the night after I texted him that I will sleep it through (very sweet of his). He told me not to worry about sharing my trouble or concern and to never think that I’m bothering him as he wants to be there for me. I just don’t want to overwhelm him but I’ve feeling down cause of this work issue and like my dreams for promotion and more money just shuttered. I feel super lucky to have this amazing man but I’m afraid to let him see the real me. I kind of took the role of the provider more mature partner cause he’s still a student. I am scared that our dynamic might change. He was also going through some depression himself which I have been there and helped him go through and he’s in much better place right now. How can I think positively and not let my anxiety for my finances and career affect my relationship? I really love him but it’s a stressful period and I feel like I’m pushing him away. He asked me to call him later if i can’t sleep and asked me to be kind to myself and that he believes in my potential and all my hard work will pay off. I feel terrible for opening up to him but also it felt like a burden having a crappy day and not being able to talk to him about it cause I didn’t want him to think of me as weak. I remember one year my father was unemployed how my mother stood up next to him till he found his way and grew stronger and she told me not for one minute did she think to leave him. I would do the same for him. Why then i feel like a burden to him or terrible for being a human and having some bad days?
Rose
You can’t carry the whole world on your shoulders dear. Challenges in life happens to everyone. It’s great that you can support eachother however you should not be expected to do it all. Take a breather. Honestly you’re worried over things you can’t control. Even if you’re telling him about what’s happening he cant do anything about it other than comfort you. Appreciate that he’s there for you and just have some patience with yourself that things at work will work out. If you’ve already spoken about everything with him already, keeping talking about it will eventually drain him too. Just try your best to let time tell and keep strong and prepared for whatever happens.
Maddie
I am sorry about the bad news at work :/
The good news is, you are asking yourself the right questions here. Successful long-term relationships include vulnerability and sharing the real you. There’s really no way around it, nor should there be. Someone should know who they have chosen to commit to, and having no big surprises about who that person is builds trust and a stronger foundation over time.
In shifting professional situations, they may be stressful, but they don’t change who you are or your value as a person. Experiencing this challenge is also a good opportunity to learn more about him, and to see if he is the right partner for you when things get tough. Does he make you feel supported and calmer or worse about yourself? Can you solve problems together? Relationships are about good times together, sure, but working through and being able to coexist as a team during bad times is actually more important as you are with a partner longer and take on more responsibilities with age (perhaps having a family one day). If a guy can’t accept who you are and things not always being perfect, that’s very important information because he won’t be a good serious partner.
Since it sounds like he is being appropriately supportive, to the extent you’re letting him in, then you’re right to ask why you feel like a burden and introspect about what you should be doing to feel better and more open on your side. There was once a time when I’d let stress (especially professional stress) unrelated to my romantic relationships worry me too, as I’d then project it on to the relationship. Such as, if we both got new jobs at the same time, how could we handle all that change and stress at one time, would that hurt our dynamic? The answer in a relationship between two emotionally healthy people is, no. The reason I’d get anxious about that stuff and feel uncomfortable seeming less than perfect ended up being because I had an insecure attachment style. When I had thoughts similar to yours it had nothing to do with the relationship, it had to do with my own insecurities and not trusting myself enough. This is something I’d recommend you look into, as it absolutely can be worked on and addressed on your own if you want to. It also may help explain why you’re afraid he’ll see you as weak. I highly doubt he will, but there’s something you must have observed in your past or someone made you feel that way to bring it into your relationship now and place that fear onto him if he’s done nothing to cause it. Plus, the bad work news may also have been a hit to your self-confidence, which is being redirected towards your relationship.
As you can see, there may be a lot more to this than simply “thinking positive.” Again, the good news is, you’re not the only one struggling with these issues which means there are good and already established answers to be found if you truly want to grow in a direction away from your fears.
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