How to have a talk but not "the" talk

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  T from NY 6 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #795063 Reply


    Hi everyone
    I’ve recently been talking to a guy for a few weeks. I just wanted to kind of start dating again after having my heart basically obliterated a couple months ago. Anyway, this guy and i are hitting it off, but he’s several years younger than me and i doubt there’s a future there as a result. I was intending to just go with the flow with dating but now i actually kind of like him. Only issue is, I’m so scared of having my heart broken again that i just want to know what he’s looking for. I never asked him and it feels like it’s too late, but i don’t want to drag it on anymore Incase he’s just looking for sex.

    How do i initiate this conversation? Any tips on how to not come across as being too eager too soon? I really just want to protect my heart this time.

    #795076 Reply


    It sounds like you were already intimate. Talking will only result in appearing desperate and scaring him off. Just pull back and get busy. See if he asks for proper dates with you. If he only invites you to have house dates, he is likely not seeing anything serious, as he is not concerned with impressing you.

    #795077 Reply


    What you want to do is emotionally manipulate him instead of just being direct and asking where he see’s this going. Men aren’t afraid of “the talk” if they are emotionally invested, so best to just rip the band-aid off before you endure another sucking chest would (broken heart).

    Personally I don’t think its wise to get under one man to get over another—all it does it create a big old mess. You really should take some time being alone; learn how to love being single, and find happiness being with yourself for awhile. Only when your heart is thoroughly mended, and not so afraid anymore, should you try dabbling in the romantic pool again.

    #795078 Reply


    Opps meant “sucking chest WOUND…”

    #795079 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    If your heart was “obliterated” a couple of months ago, are you sure you’re ready to date? Dating always entails the risk of getting hurt. You have to accept that.

    If you’ve only known this guy a few weeks, how many times have you seen him? Have you slept with him? Sensy is right that a guy who wants to impress you will take you out, and will initiate dates/contact. So hopefully this guy is taking the initiative & reaching out to you.

    If he’s doing all that, you could simply have a conversation with him & say you really like him & like getting to know him, and are not looking to just casually date, and ask him what he’s looking for.

    But i also think having too many “talks” early on put pressure on a budding relationship. Things need to develop naturally. Asserting your boundaries is good, and necessary (for example, saying you won’t have sex unless you’re exclusive). But trying to define the situation too soon, rather than letting things grow organically on their own, could actually squash a potential relationship.

    #795084 Reply


    @Steph, I remember your posts and sorry to see you’ve just set yourself up in exactly the same situation you got into before that’s resulted in your broken heart. It would be in your best interest to step back from dating and deal with your underlying issues with men and/or relationships.

    #795104 Reply


    I also have a vague recollectipn of older posts but not the specifics and agree you seem to do it all over again. You start to date a younger guy assuming there would be no future (by itself dating a younger man doesnt mean there is no future, i talked to a man Yesterday who met his wife when he was 28 and she was 40, and now 55, still happy together). But anyway you figured its a fling, you start to sleep with him, no you suddenly like him but youre in the pickle of having no clue where his head is at. You are really you own enemy here. I agree with lane, its best to ask now so if he is only in it for sex (and there is a high chance that is the case) you can step out. And be more careful with your heart

    #795121 Reply


    Here’s what I remember… OP met a guy last fall, dated him non-exclusively for a little while, went exclusive for a week after which time she broke it off. They mutually decided upon FWB until one of them met someone else. It lasted 8 or 9 months before she got an email suddenly that he met someone else and was breaking it off. She was upset with him because she felt he gave her mixed signals that it could be something more, like giving her a gift and card for Valentine’s Day.

    I remember because this was a classic example of someone who really needs a time-out from dating to get her head together. She posted she felt very hurt and was blaming him totally despite having 100% gotten into this situation with her eyes wide open and it struck me she wants it all her way and then also doesn’t want to get hurt, which is impossible. And also, she said deep down they both knew it wasn’t going anywhere but she still somehow had the idea it could and should and he screwed her over by leaving their arrangement for a woman he just met.

    #795132 Reply


    Hi Steph
    Your anxiety is coming off really strong over someone you yourself say may not work due to the age difference. I really don’t think you know what your looking for and are trying to fill in a void by finding any man who shows an interest.
    You really need to figure out what it is your looking for in a relationship and before that figure out true happiness within yourself.
    I would not have a talk with this guy unless you want him to leave. If there are certain things he does that come off as a FWB scenario then you need to put your foot down and not follow along. You can’t say something and do something else…same way we want men to follow through with actions we need to follow through as well with what we say and do it.
    However, I do think you need to do some serious soul searching within yourself first.

    #795154 Reply


    @Alison, this thread is for Steph. You should post your own thread so you can get advice. Otherwise, you’re going to get all the messages from us mixed with messages for Steph.

    @Steph, I think you’ve received a lot of good advice already. If you really just want to know how to approach the subject there really is no easy way to do it. You could also simply just frame it as “i really enjoy our time together and am realizing we should probably be on the same page at this point so nobody gets hurt. if you’re not looking for something that leads to exclusivity i think it’s best we don’t keep seeing each other because i’m realizing that is something that i want out of a relationship. again, i’m wanting to be honest with you before things go any further.”

    #795166 Reply

    T from NY

    You write you’ve only been dating this guy for a few weeks, not months. It’s way too early to be having talks. Also your title makes it seem like you would like to try and speak to him in a round about way. Again. Not a good strategy. I agree with the others that your post sounds a little like you’re not in an ideal place to be dating. Because being a healthy dater means being patient with men. It means watching and observing. You are making out their character at that time and you are watching and observing how they treat you, how they treat others, how consistent they are, how they handle their stress, you’re taking time to reflect (WHILE DATING THEM) how they make you feel and assessing if their life and their values are compatible to yours.

    Most of the time men will show you who they are. They will also make it clear what their intentions are with you organically. But if you hit 3 months and the guy has been mum and given you no clue what he wants you to be in his life – you would owe it to yourself to be direct, not dance around the subject and just speak to him. Healthy men, who are good partners – admire directness and honesty. They are usually turned off by women who are afraid and want to jump into a commitment without feeling like the woman has vetted them as much as they have vetted her.

    If this is going well I would just do your best to enjoy it! Refocus some of your energy back to yourself. Seek therapy which will take time to find. Start journaling when if you get anxious, which can be started today. Good luck

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