How to cope after being ghosted after few months of dating

Delete him from your IG…

It doesn’t sound like this was a relationship, and he gave you a warning early on that he was not looking to commit. Take the focus of him (block) and learn to recognize the signs that a man isn’t wanting something serious. What he did was crappy, but from the outside looking in it seems feelings and effort were mostly one sided.

Honestly, after being ghosted a few times, you might consider a session or two of counseling to get past it.

It is really unnerving to have people you had a regular interaction with just go “poof” (well for some of us). It can impact your future dating where missed messages or delayed communication start having you worried about “is he busy or ghosting me”. It can lead to a really anxious communication style until you begin to trust people again.

I wish “ghosters” knew the damage they can cause. It’s hard because it is a grey area, but if you have an inkling that someone is more into you than you are into them, just do the right thing and end it with at least a text.

He’s being a coward by not formally ending things. That does not mean he doesn’t still care for you hence his continued interest in your life/ IG stalking. The truth of the matter is it really doesn’t matter what he does or doesn’t do on social media. Those small actions will never take the place of a real relationship and attention from him. It’s best that you remove him from your IG. It’s so hard to completely move on when you constantly see his presence even if it’s just in your Stories. You may even get to the point where you’re altering your content because you know he’s watching. Don’t get to that point. Just delete and do your best to move on. Happy New Year!

I was a bit annoying about our plans for one day once I am back in town. He said he doesn’t know his schedule and that we will discuss it a few days before I come. Then I tried calling him to rant about my day but at the same time he sent me a message he is off to sleep and then I was a bit pushy (sent 6-7 short texts) you won’t pick up, are you angry, not sure what is happening here but just wanted to talk. And then the next day I sent him a voice note apologising about being annoying, that I had a really s****y day at work and got overexcited for coming home as it is my happy place.

You did nothing wrong. Remember that first. Who cares if you were annoying if that was something that rarely happenEd. Only you know that. But the writing was on the wall that the LDR wasn’t going smoothly and if his time away from you didn’t make his love ardent – nothing would.

I agree that ghosting is straight up awful. I’ve heard people say if you are put-together it wouldn’t bother you so much. I say that’s a crock of malarkey. Being an emotionally healthy person doesn’t mean you can’t be sensitive and feel things deeply. Getting ghosted HURTS especially when it’s been months of interactions and rituals and relational familiarity.

What’s counts is how you handle it afterward. Take some time to grieve he wasn’t brave. Tend to you. But as soon as you can get back up and do something healthy things for yourself. Take an assessment of your personal and emotional boundaries and make sure you didn’t miss something you could improve on next time. Blame is a time-waster. All pain is instructional. Someone who has good self love feels the sting of a douchebag – but the wound doesn’t last as long because you know that persons exit is a gift if they weren’t invested in you. YOU deserve investment and to be able to vent after a bad day once in a while AND be told something is over. We’ve all been there and we’re doing fine.

Thanks for your replies, they are insightful!

I was not happy with the frequency of our communication but decided to talk about it face to face – I know he is not into texting and when we were together in the same city, we used phone for administration. Other than that, had nothing to complain about. When we were in the same city, everything was going smoothly and he said it would have probably turn into something very nice if he were staying. Hence, I decided to talk about it first before making any decisions. I really thought these holidays will be break it or make it for us but never thought he would ghost me and then lurk.

I was never in this situation before, thought something like this happens after one or two Tinder dates. I honestly fell for this guy, trusted him and really like him for being nice and kind person. And I rarely fell for someone hence this shocked me quite hard.

I am just wondering if I will see him ever again and trying to reflect on the situation so that I learn something from this experience.

The thing is to not give him the time of day again. Think about how bad you are feeling because he is not interested, but you know he’s ok because he’s following your stories.
I’m guessing he will reach out again and when he does, you show him the door. Because we have such an easy time to communicate doesn’t mean we have matured to using these methods when we don’t want to see people. 20 years ago when you didn’t hear from someone we assumed they were not interested and didn’t worry excessively about it. Only because contacting people is so easy do we become upset about it- me included!

A couple months back I tried to reach my boyfriend via text and asked him to call me and when he didn’t within a couple hours or respond to the additional text I sent him, I got upset. The reality is that not too long ago we couldn’t even have reached each other unless we were home and we had to be patient and trust that they would contact us.

Helle, no matter if he contacts you or not- your response is to say to him- not interested-as he will do this to you again and again.

Helle, I’m going to give you some hard advice here. You were being too needy! It is very off putting to the other party when their feelings aren’t being heard nor respected, and I will tell you *respect* is on the top of a man’s list of needs, and when he loses that for a woman its literally impossible for them to recover from it. He clearly told you he wasn’t in the mood to talk about it by not only saying he would talk to you about it in a few days (clue 1) but that he was going to sleep (clue 2). This should have been your big clue to step way back, stop all talks, take a ‘time out’ and wait until he was ready to re-engage.

To be blunt, he did not fall in love with you in the way a man needs to fall in love in order for HIM to progress and move it forward or you wouldn’t have had to have that lack of communication talk. Men interestingly fall in love in a woman’s absence, its the time a part that will either draw him closer (fall in love) or push him back (not fall in love). In this case, the absence didn’t ignite the loving feelings he needed in order to move this forward and you refused to acknowledge his lack of interest or enthusiasm to keep it going and kept shoving a round peg into a square hole trying to force it to work.

I’m going to tell you *why* he is doing what he’s doing. He’s leaving the door open in case his feelings change. If he formally breaks up in his mind its over but if he doesn’t then in his mind the door isn’t completely shut if that makes sense. He’s still unsure about his life at the moment, doesn’t have the ability to begin a future with anyone so in his mind it would be futile to start something he’s unsure he can finish. But that could change which is why he’s keeping you on the hook in the event something changes and he’s in a better position to carry it out.

The problem here is he may never fully open it, if or when he does resurface, which 7 times out of 10 they do! He will come up with a reason such as his life was a mess, he wasn’t in a good place, he wasn’t (fill in the blank) but it could be meaningless empty words that end up going nowhere and just using you as a crutch to get through a tough time. This is when a woman needs to to be super careful about is what their true motives for reaching back out are. A smart woman doesn’t or won’t entertain them unless they are fully ready, able and capable of stepping ALL IN where a man will not only tell the woman but prove to her beyond a shadow of a doubt, they love her will naturally begin the process of building a future with you without you having to say or do anything!!!

This happened to me twice. Although I wasn’t *ghosted* as I understand that anything under six months is just a trial period and I also expect an LDR won’t last long as its very common for feelings to fade out and die, so not surprised when it happens and just allow it to naturally out. When they did come back many months later they were the one’s who had to do all the heavy lifting (hard work) for me to trust they not only meant what they were saying (smart woman do this too) but they were indeed ALL IN and not messing me about or I would have dropped them in a heartbeat. I ended up marrying one (lasted over 20 years) and now in a relationship with another for three years that is progressing towards marriage.

In a nutshell. I would pull way back and out at this point as he’s not in any position to carry out the obligations of a relationship which is something a woman needs to seriously consider before they not only get involved with a man but continue with a man btw. He clearly told you this and when you ignore blatant waving red flags then you do need to take ownership for your part and role when engaging in high level risk relationships like this. trust me, he will come back; its just a matter of what his *true motives* are for doing so and if he’s still NOT in any position to be in a NON LDR [key words] then cut him off forever and only date men who are from hereon if that’s what you want and only looking for.

Agree with the other anon. You both are incompatible- you are not needy. Do not look at this as you were too needy and that drove him away, if a guy is in to you he wouldn’t be driven away by texts like this. Definitely set the boundary of not letting him back in

Helle, as hard as it is you need to fully disengage right now and mentally accept its over and that you will never hear or speak to him ever again.

What I mean by being ready for a relationships is that a man has to be in a certain place and mindset for a relationship to flourish and survive. His life was not in order, still not in a place to carry out the obligations of a relationship, which is putting another’s needs before their own, and the fact you were now LD and he was struggling to get his life on track was a double whammy.

Like I said, he didn’t ghost you, he checked out as he wasn’t in a position to be the man *you* needed him or wanted him to be as was still struggling to get his career off the ground which is a very huge deal to a man. He’ll pop back in when he feels his life is on a better track but it may not be on the relationship track still sand will put you in the friendzone.

A woman’s needs and man’s needs are very different. A man puts a higher priority in their career and ability to provide; whereas women put a higher priority on relationships as this is how nature designed the two species to ensure our survival. His career IS at the very top of his list or needs where a relationship is near the bottom because a relationship doesn’t pay the bills; a job does. You put this relationship at the top of your list because majority of your needs were or are being met. In a nutshell, you were ready to move this forward but he was not as he still has a lot of goals he *needs* to accomplish and achieve before he’s fully ready of taking on the challenges of settling down into a domestic lifestyle which is not all sunshine and roses but requires a lot of work and nurturing for it for it to flourish and survive long term.