How do you prepare for heartache


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This topic contains 11 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Flor 4 days, 18 hours ago.

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  • #864759 Reply

    Flor

    I dated this guy for two months. We met through friends. We suddenly got into an argument about something stupid, but ever since that we were just fighting a lot, for like 2 weeks. So we called it off. We tried to remain friends but it was being too hard on me because I think I had feelings for him. So I told him I needed space because it’s hard to rewire to just friendship when we never were friends before. He took this comment really bad and blocked me everywhere.
    A month past and I haven’t heard from him until last weekend I was making an event with some new friends I have been hanging out a lot lately and he asked me if he could join.
    I was feeling moved on so I let him in. Was really good to see him after so long. He first came to me a bit strong talking about the past and I told him we should for a while just focus in creating new memories and forget about those things we said or do. He agreed, seemed very happy and gave me a hug. Friendly hug. He did ask me tho, if the guy I drove with to the event was with me. He wasn’t.
    Anyhow, everyone liked him, he is a great guy so now this weekend he is also joining to the next event, that someone else from this group is organizing.
    I am worried this is going to become a norm now, because I don’t think I am as okay as I thought I was. I keep thinking about the reasons why he is coming to these events now. Is it for m e? Does he wants to retake frienship or something else? Ever since the event we haven’t talked. He is not a texted and all out fights started through misunderstandings in texting. Because of that I don’t want to text him either but I know that when a guy is interested he moves forward. There is definitely no indication of interest from his side.

    That’s the reason of my post. I don’t want to stop hanging out with this group and I wouldn’t like him to stop either, he deserves having fun too. But I know eventually he’ll meet someone or will bring someone or will flirt with someone… I just want some advice on how to prepare myself for the heartache… any tips appreciated

    Thanks! :)

    #864778 Reply

    Ess

    Shift your focus from him. Distract yourself with better things in your life. Date other guys. They say ‘fake it till you make it’, so have fun, embrace the uncomfortable situation, find a way to be okay with him seeing other people, and with time you will be fine. Sometimes you just can’t escape situations with your past lovers and it’s okay. Besides, if you completely shift focus from him, will you notice him with other people?

    #864842 Reply

    Erin

    Honey, you’re not preparing for a heartache, you’re already going through a heartache in case you haven’t noticed. Your heart is already aching with unsaid things, the past, anxiety over the future.

    I wanted to say that the biggest problem which led to your break up in the first place was miscommunication.

    People who spend 2 weeks fighting about something are not talking face to face but are texting. Texting is generally a no no when you want to talk about important things.

    You can’t be friends after a break up, no, no and no, he initially blocked you because he also had feelings for you and was hurt. You still can’t be friends now, because you still have feelings for him, sorry.

    You can’t focus on creating new memories when you have not addressed the problem which led to the breakup first. What has changed from the last time you broke up and argued?. If nothing has changed and you haven’t addressed the issue, you can’t get back together.

    Also, STOP meeting up at these ‘coincidentally convenient’ soirees and events and then you turn them in into your ‘come to Jesus’ moments. If you want to talk, to get closure or rehash the relationship, arrange a one on one meet up.

    If you really want to talk, just text him ” Hey,I just wanted you to know. If you want to talk, I’m ready when you are”

    His reply or lack or it will tell you where he stands. If it’s positive, set up a meeting and Cease and Desist from texting.

    If it’s in the negative or vague, then move on and maybe don’t attend those events, you still have feelings for him, seeing him in any capacity will cause you some pain.

    I don’t know why people do this whole thing of trying to be all vague and assuming (wrongly) what someone is thinking and then acting (wrongly) upon it.

    In my native language we say, don’t make assumptions about something when it’s there.

    #864949 Reply

    Flor

    Ess,

    I can’t do the dating other guys things until i feel i am in the right place and fully moved on this guy. That’s how it works for me. I tried once when i was moving on my ex and started seeing a guy just as a rebound and after like 2 months going on dates, the night we were going to finally sleep together, i had a break down and start crying. I won’t go thought that again. I like being honest to my own feelings. But i have exes as friends and i really hope i can be friends with him too one day.

    Erin,

    thanks for your honest words. We did talk about our argument and i think that’s when i realized how much i liked this guy, because he was very communicative and he recognized his fault and i mine and we agreed in doing better, we compromised on understanding each others feelings. But it was just like if we were so irritated all the time with each other, i don’t even know why. We didn’t even get to try what we compromised upon, we never found peace again.
    We both brought issues, he has a past in which women have been really mean to him and sometimes i feel like if he is just waiting for me to be mean to him and that makes him irritable. Makes me even wonder if they were actually so mean or it’s just his negative thoughts. And i am very impatient.
    I have been working on my issues for a month now. I bought a book about patience and another one about emotional training and I really like what i am learning. I feel much better, with less fears and that’s why i thought i was ready to see him. Acceptance and embracing uncertainty are among the things i am trying to improve.

    But this self-improvement trip i am doing is for me. i really think at this point going back together would be a mistake. He knows my flaws and would be counterproductive. He brought up last weekend something that happened in the past and i told him i don’t want to talk about it. I really think we are better off as friends if anything.

    I am just going to go to this event tomorrow and be out of the radar for a while. I guess this time i won’t warn him so he doesn’t get mad.

    BTW, those events are outdoor activities not parties. So thankfully, not alcohol involved.

    #864978 Reply

    Erin

    Flor, you seem to be mature girl who is keen on doing some self work and knows what she wants. With that kind of attitude, nothing can shake you!

    It seems like you have figured it out that you’re not ready to get back together and you both have issues to work on.

    I’m guessing nothing has changed on both your parts, from the last time you argued and broke up , still the same ideas and thoughts and beliefs. So reconciliation will not work.

    You can’t be friends, at least not know. You still have feelings and you’re not there yet.

    If it will hurt you seeing him with another girl or flirting then you need to remember the reasons you broke up, the reasons why you can’t reconcile with him and the fact that you’re working on yourself to be the best version of yourself.

    If it’s just too much, just avoid going to places you know he will be.

    #865015 Reply

    Lane

    I too cannot be insta friends with someone I was dating, or in a relationship with.

    A good long break is necessary until you reach the point of indifference. You need time to get your feet back on solid ground, so take it. I would disinvite, and disconnect from him for awhile. These are your friends, and events, so you shouldn’t be put out just because he’s bored or lonely. Let him find his own friends, events, and things to occupy his time from hereon.

    #866167 Reply

    Flor

    Well, this is the summary of the day…

    I feel he is always looking to what i do and trying to engage conversation. He brought my favourite snacks, he used to do that as surprise when we were together. I was for most of the event just friendly replying to his conversation starters by smiling and giving short answers. Then pretty much trying to stay away from him and around others. At some point i thought it was becoming too obvious and i didn’t want to hurt his feelings so at the end, we all went to have a drink and i started to ask him about things i know are happening in his life and we haven’t talked about since the breakup. I really think he is an amazing person, so generous. And i told him “i think you really are the most generous person i have ever met” That somehow triggered him on a weird way. He then started talking about me with the people next to us, on a jokingly tone but somehow felt like if he were still resentful. “Did you know what i did for Flor, this and that” and i replied to all of those things “he did, he is a great person, blah blah”
    None of the people there knew we had a past and i wanted it to remain that way, but all the sudden i felt he was making it obvious and i was trying to just make it look casual. But all his comments seems to be a way of telling me “look what you are missing out”, which is unfair because it was him who didn’t want to try again after the breakup.
    The think that just doesn’t fit is the fact that once we are apart, we don’t text and we don’t talk. He has told me multiple times he doesn’t like texting with me because it’s the start of all our arguments but the fact that he is not even curios about how i am or me at all, is just a really bad sign for me.

    I don’t know. I really think he is an amazing man and i am giving up on him out of fear of rejection. When i think with cold mind about the day, I think he really wanted to spend time with me but i kept rejecting him for the most part. I also tend to trick myself and i was thinking all the time “maybe he is talking to me because it’s easy for him and he is just trying to be inclusive in the group or to make himself noticeable for another woman” I don’t like entertaining those thoughts because they only feed my fear.

    I think i am much better now than when we broke up, although i think it’s very soon. But i think i should follow Erin’s advice and get closure and then move on for real. Sadly I can’t tell him to not to come to those events, they are public, so it will have to be me who finds the new people.

    Next event is in two weeks, I think i’ll take my time to came up with what i want and how to deal with this. Most likely i will just text him that i still miss him and take it from there… i can’t wait to this being over.

    #866268 Reply

    Erin

    Flor love, a guy who goes out of his way to show you how much he’s moved on, how happy he is and how much you are missing, is a man who is NOT over you! Happy people don’t have to prove anything to anyone, they’re so busy being happy not busy trying to look happy.

    A guy who calls dibs on you publicly the way he did and trying to monopolize your time is not over you.

    Like I said in my other post , stop turning these soirees into a walk down memory lane. Miscommunication played a major role in your breakup, don’t make the same mistakes again.

    I think you do need to talk, not to get back together but to just let it all out, there a lot of unsaid things between you two given from your interactions.

    Just send a simple “Hey, I just feel we should clear the air about what happened in the past. If you want to talk, I’m ready when you are” or something like that. If he agrees meet up, Stop texting please for the love of god.

    If he doesn’t respond or brushes you off, just say your peace and unburden yourself of this anxiety.

    If you don’t want this option then you need to step away from the situation and try not to bump into him or talk to him. I think it’s really confusing you now and making you sad again so the good thing would be to avoid being in situations where you see him or meet.

    He also sounds like he has some avoidance issues, like he doesn’t like confrontations or facing things head on or being in conversations which require emotional engagement.

    #866271 Reply

    Erin

    Please address the past issues before going into ‘I miss yous’, don’t try to brush them under the carpet. Also leave the deep, sentimental talks for when you meet up. Texting can cause misunderstandings esp when you talk about serous stuff

    #866293 Reply

    Flor

    Hello Erin,

    thanks for your answer. I really am confused and i am ready to step out of this rollercoaster and let him go. He mentioned something i said i was going to do with him kind of “Flor told me this and she havent done it”. So i thought it would be a good way to get some time alone with him and talk things out. So i texted him if we still wanted i would love to show him that. and he replied thanks, don’t worry, it’s okay.

    To me this speaks pretty loud his intentions and i am not going to go behind him nor as friends not nothing. I’ll spend the summer doing other things and this will just be a training for being stronger one day. It will hurt a few days but i’ll be fine.

    #866318 Reply

    Erin

    Flor, you have such good resolve and strength, something most of us lack in these relationships when they fall apart, we can’t see the forest for the trees.

    It would have been preferable if texting about the future plans or anything to do with your past was kept to a bare minimum and y’all met up instead, but it seems that is out of the picture, at least for now.

    At the end of the day, you’re choosing the high road, which is facing problems head, taking responsibility for past actions and working on self improvement, while he’s choosing to be passive aggressive at every turn ,at the end of the day you don’t want an immature guy in your life.

    You’re clearly at different stages so I guess you both need to do some individual growth and see where it takes you. You might even start liking other guys as well pretty soon.

    #866353 Reply

    Flor

    Thank you Erin,

    you really say nice things which make me feel good. I don’t think i am mature at all, my lack of patience made me rush things and push things which triggered some of our arguments. Those i can’t take back but it’s the hard way to learn, hopefully next guy in my life i won’t go through the same.
    It is also very easy to say here that this is what i am going to do, but let’s see. For as long as he doesn’t text me i will be fine. If he ever contacts me again, i’ll make sure to come here before i take any action… :)

    The more i think about this weekend and his sudden reaction of not wanting to hang out one on one, i think maybe he just likes having women’s attention and mine was easy to get. That’s the problem when you start dating someone that you really don’t know around others. Anyhow… thanks for all your words and chin up! :)

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