How do I know

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Beth 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #847174 Reply


    I am seeing this man. The first man I have seen/been with since the end of my 20+ year marriage than officially ended 2 years ago, but ended long before I left. My marriage was an emotional rollercoaster. I was never treated poor physically, mentally and emotionally is another story. I met this man through work. He has been interested in me for quite some time. I was not interested, then one day the switch flipped. We have been hanging on the weekends together for the last month or so. I have kids so that is when I am available. I am in my late 40s, he is in his early 40s. We have a fantastic time together. He is affectionate, caring and yes a considerate lover. He loves to hold me close. He reaches from me and pulls me close in the middle of the night. We do things together. He has taken me out on a few occasions and we have plans this weekend to go out dinner. He had shared a lot about his past (multiple marriages, issues with addiction that he was worked through). One our first date he told me he did not want a relationship with anyone, yet he spends hours on the phone with me. We talk about work because he and I and counterparts, our childhoods, our views on various topics, nothing is off limits. We text a fair amount during business hours usually work related. He is out in the field and he will call me for work related things and then say something steamy. I guess his actions don’t line up with his I don’t want a relationship bit. We have undeniable chemistry sexually l. He loves to please me. He loves to hold me afterwards, he loves to hold me when we are watching a movie. He has brought small gifts, things he knows I would like. Refused to let me
    Pay when out. Yet I don’t know how he feels or whether I should continue. I don’t really want a sexual relationship with him. I want a relationship with him. I have told him what I think and how I feel. I don’t deal with ambiguity well. Help!

    #847179 Reply


    Edited to add: I can say as closed off as I was to even considering getting to know him, now that I have started to, I can say I have feelings for him without a doubt. I am a no BS, no drama kind of gal. I know what I want in life and I am not going to play games or beat around the bush about it. I will straight up tell you how I feel about something and that includes him, so yes despite him telling me his feelings about relationships, I have told him my feelings towards him and he is still here.

    #847186 Reply


    well I don’t know what everyone else is going to say, but when he told you he doesn’t want relationship (with you clearly) why did you carry on seeing him , knowing that you do want relationship?
    He is not going to commit because you give him all the benefits of being in a relationship without actually being in one. I was dating someone for over a year and he acted exactly like your guy but he told me he doesn’t want relationship and I was ok with that and I knew this is going to end sooner or later because he will leave for someone else and eventually he did.
    I know they say when it comes to men you need to watch their actions not words but in this case : I don’t want relationship means just that.

    #847187 Reply


    That is a great question! One I have been asking myself! I guess I was curious! I heard definitely heard those words. He continues to pursue me, not the other way around. But yes, I need to heed those words and move on.

    #847189 Reply


    Also I did not know I wanted a relationship at first. That realization is fairly recent. At first it was to at least get my feet wet. The more time we have spend together the more I get to know him, I realize I don’t want fwb. That is my fault. I should have kept my blinders on.

    #847200 Reply


    If you go to the complicated situations you find posts from queenie pretty much identical to your situation. Starting as a hook up where the guy specifically said three times he wasnt looking for serious. If you ignore such a signal and keep going a guy thinks you are ok with that. Its really that simple. In your case if he has several failed marriages as a 40 year old guy i can imagine marriage/serious right now is equal to hell. Why did you keep going? Its counterproductive towards yourself. Next time listen to what people tell you. So his actions are perfectly in line with what he said. Guys who dont want relationships are perfectly capable of being good and loving companions. And why not? It gives them companionship and sex without strings. If you want to know where you stand ask him for clarifications

    #847339 Reply


    To answer your question in the most simplest ways because I was dumb and have not dated in 27 years. Seriously we all make mistakes. I guess I am out of practice and initially approached it differently. Then he started pursuing more. Not me lol. Took me out on Valentine’s Day plus several other times, we hang out, do activities together, he calls me and spends hours talking to me. He lives in another city and makes all the effort to come to me. That is a lot of work for a hook up. A lot more effort than I would ever even think put in. Lol. I think the idea of marriage is hell and I will not ever do that again….. ever. SO…sure maybe at some point.

    #847491 Reply


    i thnk what happened is in the past. focus on today and figure what you want. what you said above, sounds like a relationship to me. non committal one. if your happy without a name tag, than you can continue seeing him. but if you bring this up there is a possibility that he may walk away or he may agree to give this a chance. its a call you have to take based on what you want in future. but be ready to walk away if he doesn’t want any kind of relationship tag.

    #847574 Reply


    That is my dilemma, I am currently debating on cancelling our plans tomorrow or letting it ride…Yes I agree it feels relationship~y. We play sports together, go bowling, out to dinner, etc. Talk and text a lot. I spoke with him last night. It was a frustrating conversation. He teases me a lot, actually constantly. I didn’t take his teasing well regardless of the reason I was just not in the mood for it, tired or right head space. He response is I was sensitive and defensive
    , my response was to end the conversation. We work together and he knows I am under a ton of pressure and dealing with an extremely toxic boss. He gets so angry when he sees what is going on. I told him I have my limits and I am human. I am trying process all this out. What I do know is I am not willing to settle and that includes him. I settled in a loveless marriage for too long. There must be something wrong with me lol because it seems i attract emotionally unavailable men. Lol.

    #847580 Reply


    If you are not willing to settle then why are you thinking about settlling? Yes you have issues with being attracted to unavaible men. It gets you in trouble, so you may start to work on it. This guy is not dating you for that long. Its a few dates, so saying goodbye to him is not like a long friendship break up. Seeing the two of you also work together makes it even more dangerous to keep going knowing this will end in heartache. And not his heart.
    Then the boss. If you have a toxic boss, then you also play a part in that. Thats actually worth more brainpower to use than mister unavailable. Because thats your livelyhood you depend on

    #847594 Reply


    Women struggle with this because men are able to easily compartmentalize their lives and use each ‘compartment’ when they want to jump over to it. He’s essentially traveling between two states to put it in perspective for you. When he’s with you he’s in Texas getting his sexual needs met, but when he leaves he travels to Rhode Island where he remains until he’s ready to be in Texas again.

    He lives in Rhode Island. Rhode Island is where he gets to live his happy, carefree single life free from any expectations. When he gets bored, he Travels to Texas to spend time with you, gets his romantic/sexual fix, and then travels back home to Rhode Island for awhile.

    He doesn’t want a relationship because he loves living in Rhode Island, its his happy place. Only when he’s ready to give up his home (single life) and venture to another state, such as Texas, will he be ready for a relationship. He likes having easy no-commitment fun but the moment it no longer becomes “fun” and you push for more, such as a relationship, he will stop visiting Texas.

    #847609 Reply


    i think you very well know deep down what posters have suggested. its a call you have to take. think over this.

    #847612 Reply


    Beth, don’t be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you’ve been dating maybe a little over a month and deep in the honeymoon phase. It’s a wonderful and exciting time, but it’s easy to ignore red flags during this time. It’s a great feeling to get attention from a man after a crappy long-term marriage, I know from experience. I respect the fact that he told you upfront that he didn’t want a relationship, but you need to be true to yourself and not waste time with a man who only wants a FWB. It sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with him and let him know that although you like him and you’ve enjoyed your time with him, in the long run you are looking for a partner to be in a relationship with not casual.

    On another note, I would consider it a huge red flag that he constantly teases you and then calls you sensitive and defensive when you get angry about what he’s saying. A healthy partner would apologize, learn where the line is where teasing is concerned, and then figure out why you are feeling bad and what triggered you. This type of behavior will only get worse over time and bleed into other aspects of your relationship. Again, I know this from experience.

    Lane, that has to be the best metaphor describing how men compartmentalize! I will be using it often.

    #847628 Reply


    1. A toxic boss is not of my doing to Whomever said I have a part in that…. that person is a screaming narcissist. Everyone here sees it and runs, I work more closely with that person. I am taking steps to rectify that situation. I can’t get rid of the boss but I can choose to work elsewhere.

    2. Yes we currently work together, actually work very well together, he knows that I am looking at other opportunities and said my last day he is going to hug and plant a big wet kiss on me on camera 😂😂. When this goes south, I have no trouble maintaining that work/ personal boundary line. Been doing it for quite a while.

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