This topic contains 18 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Fatima 3 months, 1 week ago.
September 28, 2017 at 11:33 pm #657295
Okay so basically, I met this guy online and we hit it off immediately. He’s chill, I’m chill. We see each other in person as often as possible, meaning every weekend, with some other days before the weekend arrives whenever we can. We get along wonderfully and it honestly couldn’t be better. We laugh together, just have lots of fun together and we’re very intimate with each other. Its everything I could ask for in a relationship.
But recently, his texting habits have changed drastically. It went from texting all day to texting occasionally and a lot of being left on “read”. He does reply eventually, of course, but each day it seems like more time between those replies increases.
We both work and obviously can’t always reply to each other while we’re working, except it has started to occur when neither of us are working. Like tonight. He was replying within minutes when he was talking naughty and making plans on getting “it” on this weekend, but as soon as we started discussing going out to eat (which he mentioned before I did) he just kind of shut off. It hurt. Makes me question what he really wants from me. His replies always come a lot quicker when its sexual, which wasn’t the case before. It isn’t like that in person, of course. He’s more tender, affectionate, and attentive in person.
My biggest concern with his habits changing are that I am incredibly insecure when it comes to dating. I’ve been hurt a lot and swore off dating for quite a while. He’s the first guy I’ve involved myself with in years and honestly the lack of communication via text might cause me to distance myself from him and I don’t want to do something stupid.
I did ask him if he’s feeling the whole dating thing with me and he said yes, that he really likes me a lot and that I shouldn’t worry, but something still feels off. I can understand if he’s hanging out with his buddies, playing games, or whatever. But this is just kind of concerning.September 29, 2017 at 12:02 am #657298
Aly-you do sound a bit insecure. If he is great and the two of you have a good connection-then quit fixating on texts. Also,things are still casual-not exclusive or official,it seems. Relax and be confident and too busy to sweat over a few texts.
My boyfriend of 6 months and I text constantly, ( he lives 90 min away and we send weekends together)but hours cn go by in between,because we also have separate lives with things to do and friends,work etc. Be cool,live life and see what develops.September 29, 2017 at 12:11 am #657299
Aly, I know it’s really, really hard, but you have to stop fixating on the texting.
It sounds like everything is wonderful between you when you’re together and that’s what matters. I know exactly what you’re talking about as far as changes in patterns with texting and it making you feel insecure, but you need to STOP. I think it’s natural for some of these habits to change as relationships progress. You can’t try to keep everything constantly exactly the same all the time from the beginning of the relationship for the next 20 years. Do you see what I mean?
Relax. Take your focus off of the texts and if your mind goes back to it think instead about how you feel when you’re with him.
You can destroy a lot of relationships letting your insecurities take hold. Or you can focus on the positive, which will create a positive experience for you.September 29, 2017 at 12:14 am #657302
Yeah, don’t self sabotage. I’ve learned that the energy you put out is what the universe tends to deliver. Sounds idealistically simple but when I think he loves me, he’s behaves like he loves me, when I think he’s being cold or “something’s wrong” he seems distant I do really believe “energy”. If you don’t, observe yourself and your affect on people when you’re excited & when you’re upset. See how people around you react or change. Are they magnetized or repelled? I used to be extremely detached and first sign of trouble I’d close off. I now live by the above philosophy & also by the saying by… Wilde?? “The best way to find out if you can trust someone, is to trust them” Good luck!September 29, 2017 at 2:10 am #657310
The problem is doing a ton of texting in the beginning and setting unrealistic expectations. A long time between texts is normal in an established relationship. However you said a few things that are bad signs. One is this is slowing down and you are not even established yet. The other is he replies to sexual things but not other things. Have you had a talk about what you both are looking for. I am going to be honest, almost every story that sounds like yours ends up in the guy ghosting or just wanting sex. Protecting your heart is smart.September 29, 2017 at 6:27 am #657335
Amanda – we’ve talked about it, he told me exactly this “hopefully what we’re doing is dating and eventually that’ll turn into you being my girlfriend.”
I’ve actually met a few important people in his life, including close friends and both parents. He was open about the whole sex thing, both of us enjoy sex a great deal but I don’t want that to be the only thing he focuses on. It’s possible I gave too much too soon, I’m afraid to tell him that I want to become exclusive. He told me that he wants me to always tell him how I feel. It isn’t like he wants me to suffer with the over analyzing bull, but it’s hard not to without feeling a bit unhinged.September 29, 2017 at 6:40 am #657338
If something is bothering the natural reaction is to pull back or stop doing it! Pull back on the texting and just focus on how he treats you when your together as that’s the true measurement of a man’s interest.
Honestly, I don’t think your ready to date yet. Men do not text like woman do! Men use it primarily for logistics: planning, checking in, etc. If you rely on texting too much your going to TRAIN HIM that its OK to spend your time texting instead of going out and building positive memories. Men bond emotionally through ACTIVITIES, and if its too much TALK/TEXT then he’s going to get super bored pretty quickly and that very well could be where he’s at which is why he’s more excited when you text about an activity, such as sex.
You don’t understand how men operate and I highly suggest you do or your going to keep struggling. I suggest Eric’s (founder of ANM) “He’s not that Complicated” and “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”. Also “Think like a Man but Act like a Lady” is a good read as well. Knowledge is power!September 29, 2017 at 7:02 am #657340
I also worry that your insecurity will bite you. On one hand you ask him if him dating you leads to anything (which is sort of insecure because it makes it clear that youre all in already and leave it up to him) but on the other hand youre afraid to talk about being exclusive.
So its not so much the change in texting that is a red flag but your own insecurity. And i dont mean to make it worse for you now here.
So first i would put a lit on the sexual texting. Use texting to arrange dates and a bit of a chat but nothing more. Make him want to see you in person by not overtexting.
Do takes lane’s advice on where to read up. And fast. But dont go overboard with applying what you read. I mean dont go out of your personality.
Bear in mind that this still can go both ways (in or out) and use your time to assess if he is a good match for you. Try to take of the in love glasses and see him for what he is.
Remember you can live also just fine without him
And there should be a talk ar some point about where both of you can state what you want and if you see a future.
But for now, keep your anxiety under control and let him rake you out. Take careSeptember 29, 2017 at 7:23 am #657343
I’m definitely going to take the advice given so far, it’s all quite reassuring. I’ve read all these articles about guys and their texting habits, how they supposedly prefer communicating in person and are totally oblivious to their texting habits and how they may change.
I know that it was a lot of texting in the beginning, possibly too much, which set unrealistic expectations for his often we should be texting.
He definitely seems like he likes me. From wanting to see me/spend time with me as often as possible to actually saying so. It would just suck big time of this doesn’t work out, especially if it doesn’t because of how neurotic I may get when it comes to communicating via text message. I’ll make sure to keep busy enough that his messages are put on the back burner temporarily and only text him for the important bits or if we haven’t texted much through the day, just to find out how he is doing. We’re spending tomorrow and hopefully Sunday together, so that’s something to look forward to. I’ll see how he interacts with me this weekend to determine if we should keep it going instead of over thinking his texts.
Thanks, you guys! It has all be helpful and more help is welcome.September 29, 2017 at 8:00 am #657346
“But recently, his texting habits have changed drastically. It went from texting all day to texting occasionally and a lot of being left on “read”. He does reply eventually, of course, but each day it seems like more time between those replies increases. ”
Very common player strategy.
The lovebombing in the beginning is designed to make your brain addicted to him.
He then gives you less and less attention.
This will make you even more compliant.
Then he can ignore you for months and come back and he has been on your mind every single day and you don’t even know why.
Always wait many hours before you answer any text message. Be inert and slow. It will make the guy impatient and he realizes that he must call or meet you IRL to get a convesation with you.
Because texting won’t work on you.September 29, 2017 at 10:43 am #657361
He might not be a player but if something is bothering you, do not overlook it! This is very important to pay attention to things like that early on.
Pull back emotionally and observe him more. Do not take it as a reflection on your worth, instead project this as a “judgement” over him as a potential BF or even a HB.
Do not push anything, let him behave the way he wants, so that you can see what it is for real. LOL. After a few weeks men tend to relax and “show you who they are”. This is a good thing because oyu really need to see it before you get involved deeper.September 29, 2017 at 11:49 am #657399
Oh gosh, I really hope he isn’t a player! He seems really interested as I said, but something always feels off when he is texting less. He has a life, I get it. I do, too, and I admit that I am without a doubt looking into this way too much. He has texted me today, texted to say good morning and we had a brief conversation about something he enjoys and it just kind of stopped, which doesn’t surprise me because he is likely with his buddy and doing what they usually do together.
He mentioned that he’s a-okay with meeting my parents, I’ve met his and a couple close friends. I don’t know if that means anything. I don’t want to see obsessive or clingy but I also don’t want to feel like I’m doing something wrong. He says he really likes me a lot, so maybe that’s true or maybe it isn’t. Time will tell.
Again thank you for the wonderful responses that keep coming in. I’m going to try working on myself to avoid becoming too concerned about this whole thing.September 29, 2017 at 11:58 am #657403
I think you really need to focus more on the time you spend together.
It sounds like he is consistent with setting up dates so, why focus on the texting?
No guy can keep up with the constant texting. As you mentioned you both work and perhaps he was out with friends or doesn’t want to be glued to his phone.
I’d understand if communication between dates fell off completely.
Don’t let you insecurities and past experience ruin what seems to be a good thing.September 29, 2017 at 5:43 pm #657482
Things are great when we’re together in person, indeed, but I am going to become extra aware when we hang out from now on. I’ll worry less about the texting (or at least try) and focus more on the time spent together in person. See if it remains consistent (how often he wants to meet up, that is.)September 29, 2017 at 5:56 pm #657483
Aly,Stay “in the moment” with this guy-I sense you are projecting/looking for clues,signs/outcomes already. Instead just enjoy what is-listen and learn about him and how he treats you. See if HE is really right for you..good luck. Stop over-analysing every little thing. I disagree with those that think he may be a player-everything seems fine so far to me.October 1, 2017 at 8:15 pm #658019
Thanks to everything that put in their two cents, all was super helpful.
He decided yesterday to make things official, at least as far as labels go. He was excited and happy about it, too. Surprised me with a nice dinner and I met more of his family. He also explained why there are times when he replies very slowly or not at all and it made sense. I’m going to try putting an end to my sobsession with how often/how many texts I get from him, because things are pretty good where it counts – in person.October 2, 2017 at 12:40 am #658032
Things seem great then! Relax :)October 11, 2017 at 3:55 pm #659728
congrats on being official. moving forward, i suggest you either relax on your expectations with texting or stop referring to yourself as “chill”. chill girls don’t ask guys if they’re into them, if they’re feeling them. and chill girls most definitely do not obsess over a guy texting them or not.July 11, 2019 at 8:43 pm #756848
Started texting someone who knew me years ago. He use to hang around my brothers. We would talked almost everday for about 6 months than it went down to a couple of times a week to once every 5 weeks. It’s been once every 5 weeks for about 4 months now. He will text me 2 or 3 words or send me signs such as ❤😘💯 & when I text him back he doesn’t text me back or read my text til 5 weeks later. Plus he placed me on ignore in messenger but he continues to text me every 5 weeks. Don’t know what to think anymore & don’t know what happened. Asked him what was going on with him but he never answers my queations, all I get from him is ❤😘💯. Don’t know what he means by this anymore. Don’t know what to think anymore.