This topic contains 15 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Tallspicy 1 month, 2 weeks ago.
February 16, 2020 at 6:04 am #785507
The guy that I’m currently dating for 4 months, canceled our weekend date because he wanted to have his own time. He then called me to explain the reasons, and they were being that he missed being on his own and that dating took a lot of work for him. He’s also unsure about his feelings towards us because we don’t have many things in common or share any same interests.
I reminded him that we are two different people, so differences are normal and will always be there. It’s not necessary for couples to have shared interests to get along but when two people decide to date each other, it means they’re willing to compromise.
So I asked him if he wanted to stop seeing me, he said he would still love to see me and see how things go. Because even though we have many differences, he still thinks I’m a great girl with great personality. In fact, we’re meeting tomorrow to talk further about things. I thanked him for his honesty. He appreciated my understanding of letting him “cave in”.
My questions: Was he just being polite (asking to meet up) when he actually wanted to “break-up”? Is this guy worth waiting for? If I do want to win him back, what should I say (or do)? Has anyone ever experienced sort of similar situation?February 16, 2020 at 6:14 am #785508
Yes I have… It was agony. I felt like I was being strung along for weeks before the guy finally had the balls to let me go.February 16, 2020 at 7:17 am #785511
I don’t think he just wanted to break up. He may genuinely be confused .
Is he worth “waiting for” – no, not in that sense . If someone is unsure , it’s not a great idea to let him know you’ll be available no matter what. What are your feelings towards him? Is he someone you’re certain about ? You two should be on the relatively same level of feelings about each other .
It’s been 4 months . I’d say that’s long enough to get a sense of whether the 2 of you are compatible for long term. It seems like this guy is not ready for something serious (as he outright said it to you).
In my opinion, when you meet up to chat , if he continues in the same path (saying he’s unsure etc) I think the best thing for you to say is that you don’t want to date someone who is unsure of what he wants , and that it’s probably best for you both to put an end to things . Sorry , this may not be what you want to hear but I do think it’s best .
Otherwise you’ll continue down this difficult path . Ending things now will also make it more likely you’ll get back together IF it was meant to be anywaysFebruary 16, 2020 at 7:23 am #785512
Ok, you tried to convince him to stay, which is normal, but please stop that now. It is a needy look.
You need to pull way way way back. Get back in touch with your regular life. And you may want to start dating others. He does not get to think about it while you are locked down. Ok for him to think about it, but you should too and see what your other options are.
Let him do all the work now. All the initiation etc.February 16, 2020 at 7:48 am #785513
Sugarcoating or truly unsure. Regardless, this is often a precursor to breaking up.February 16, 2020 at 8:03 am #785514
Vera – Thank you for the advice that you put so delicately. I’m not going to lie that I have developed feelings for him. After all I have known this guy for 4 months. I’ve met his friends and he’s met mine. We’ve done few little trips together and had planned more trips in the near future. I will see what he has to say tomorrow and take it from there.
Tallspicy – It might sound like I tried to convince him to say, but I actually just wanted to tell him how I see differences in couples. I even told him, I respect his decision of wanting to put an end to things. That’s why he suggested the idea of meeting up to talk in person. But thanks for the advice, letting him go sounds like the best options if he’s still unsure about us.
Phoebe – Yeah, being strung along sucks!
Anderson – He has been honest with me so far, but what do I know?February 16, 2020 at 10:23 am #785515
Steve Harvey says: “Dont let a man tell you twice He doesn’t want you”
I would break up. Trust me, if you do, he would be backFebruary 16, 2020 at 7:29 pm #785535
Maybe you could cut him some slack? If you really care about this guy, give him some time to think without showing that you’re too available for him.
It won’t kill you to wait for few days to let him clear his mind, so why not giving him the benefit of the doubt? If this was his first time of pulling back, he might genuinely be confused about the whole situation.
Have a talk with him (that’s what he suggested right?), observe where he goes with this but do not expect anything so you won’t get disappointed. Hopefully he will work on himself and eventually meet you halfway! Good luck!February 16, 2020 at 7:39 pm #785536
At least he had the decency to say something, when pulling back and then suggesting meeting in person. I would suggest even more time apart before meeting up for the talk. Suggest you both take the upcoming two weeks and I would suggest no exclusivity during this time to think things over.February 16, 2020 at 7:49 pm #785537
“we don’t have many things in common or share any same interests.”
This jumped out at me. I’m surprised no one else caught it. Do you two really truly not have things in common and don’t share interests? Can I ask what brought you together? What do you do when you hang out or go on dates?
Yes of course when two people date there are some differences, etc, as you said. But to date someone long term you have to have SOME things in common! You have to share at least some interests. Obviously each individual should have their own interests/hobbies/friends too, but you need to have some shared interests as a couple– some things in common that bring you closer and bond you.
I can’t imagine how you’d spend months/years dating someone you had nothing in common with and shared no interests with. So I actually think this is a legitimate reason to break up.February 16, 2020 at 8:17 pm #785538
I’ll also add: 3-4 months is commonly the time when a guy decides if he sees long term relationship potential with you. It sounds to me like this guy doesn’t see a future with you. He’s saying it’s too much work to date you, and that you have nothing in common and no shared interests.February 16, 2020 at 10:36 pm #785542
I noticed the “not many things in common, no shared interests”, as Liz points out, but what jumped out at me even more is that he misses time alone and that dating feels like a lot of work. Dear OP, sorry if this is harsh, but all that means is that he is tired of you. If seeing someone at still early early stages feels like work, this really isn’t a good predictor for the future relationship. At 4 months it should be nothing but exciting. That, plus not many things in common. Sorry, but I think he wants (or wanted, already in that conversation) to break up, but of course, that’s never easy, hence the suggestion to meet and talk (especially if, by the sound of it, you talked him to it). If you want, and manage, to win him, it wouldn’t be for long, and it would only prolong the “agony”, as another poster noticed. I agree with Tallspicy that you shouldn’t try to convince him to do otherwise, or even to share your opinions on how couples work, as you put it, if you want to save face and handle it with class. Sorry, that sucks if you liked him. But of course, this is just an opinion and based solely on the information you provided.February 16, 2020 at 10:53 pm #785543
Astrid – Thank you for the input. That may seem like a reasonable thing to do. But I don’t know if he’s worth the wait. If small differences make him pull back, what about when we enter real relationship with real problems? That’s what I’ve been asking myself.
Zoe – Steve Harveys always knows what to say.
Liz Lemon – What you said is so spot on! Usually 3-4 months is enough time to make up someone’s mind about potential partner. I didn’t see this coming, hence it surprised me. I would say we got along just fine. Sure, he likes watching rugby and football, while I prefer to go to a musical show or gallery. He loves to read and write, and I love to go out and socialise. But couples don’t have to have the same hobbies right? He did admit that dating me sort of changes his routine and he missed some time to himself. Maybe this is not a good indicator.
Shoshannah – Thanks for putting the harsh fact out there. I need to hear it! I also felt the same when he told me that. I remember thinking to myself,, “What, you’re tired of dating me already? Seeing each other should exciting and easy!” And no, I explained to him I was ready to let him go if that’s what he wanted. That’s when he asked me to meet up to talk. Maybe he wanted to break-up in person so there won’t be any loose end between us.February 17, 2020 at 12:21 am #785548
T from NY
It’s sad and it’s okay for your heart to feel bruised. But this is right about the time when men who haven’t made the decision – make the decision – whether they see a future.
All the words and things he said were manspeak for – you are NOT his person. Good men don’t want to hurt women. He’s just being nice meeting up. When he says he’d still like to see you — in manspeak that means — Sure I would still like your no accountability companionship, ego stroke and possibly no strings attached sex. That would be great!
You were shocked and disappointed.You reacted very practically by explaining how you viewed what he was saying. But none of the details of what he was saying REALLY matter. What matters is – he canceled your plans, made a big thing of telling you his feelings (which is honorable) and something men are not big fans of doing. All of that equals — he’s just not that into you.
If it were me, and I’ve had the time to process like you’ve had – I would text or call and just say “Hey. I thought about what you said and I’ve realized there’s no need to get together and talk. And I wasn’t thinking when I said we could still hang out. I’m looking for a committed relationship with someone who’s on the same page. Thank you again for being honest with me. I wish you luck.” As women we sometimes draw things out in the name of closure. Although closure really comes within and accepting reality. If you neeeeeed to go, you will. But truly, after the his revelation, there’s nothing left to talk about. Time for you to tend to you and heal.February 17, 2020 at 3:51 am #785552
This was a very polite break-up. Don’t see him again. Thank him for the honesty and wish him well and then don’t look back. He might come back around after you’re gone but don’t let him back in.February 17, 2020 at 6:30 am #785560
Any type of explaining that is to show him a different point of view is convincing. Especially when he was not open to being convinced at that time. Yes, plenty of couples have different hobbies and make it work, but he does not want to and all the convincing will only work against you.
May I ask how much time you were spending together? If you were together all the time, in your next relationships it should be only 3-4 days a week max.