Here we go again, mentioning her again, is this person Completely insensitive

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill and just as fixated on her as he is and you’re judging him for it?!?! Think hard about this because she has gotten in your head too and appear to be just as fixated one her as your BF is.

So what, he almost had sex with a hot lady who appears to be very charismatic and regrets not having sex with her so his imagination took over. Most humans during their lives are encountered with those “what if” scenarios where some are able to get over them quickly; others it can take years; and for others it never goes away and remain forever—you can’t control how a person’s mind operates.

Have you never had any regrets not doing something you wished you had done and it took a long time for it to finally fade enough for you to rarely or never think about it again? Our brains are complex and we don’t always have the answer or know why one image/event is harder for us to forget or get over than others are. Its how the human brain works, where I can guarantee he doesn’t understand *why* this specific event has affected him the way it has and over time those thoughts pop up less and less and pop out just as fast as they popped in.

Listen, if you are going to keep testing him then at least be HONEST instead of silently punishing him for your own insecurities. If you feel like “second best” then go find a man you can be in first place with. BTW, you may not see this because you are so blinded by this woman that you don’t even realize it but he feels very SAFE and SECURE with you or he wouldn’t have ever brought her up. One thing I do know is that a man doesn’t bring up or talk about subjects like this with a woman he’s with if he doesn’t feel safe opening up to her and knowing he won’t be judged for being the flawed human being he is.

I thinks its time for you to pick a flipping side—either trust that he loves and wants to be with you or let him go so he try again with Ms. Never Going To Happen so the both of you can end your fixation with her.

He says he does love me but it does not convince me, sometimes i get the impression that he is not in love with me.

I don’t think that a man that is in love would talk about a past fling the way he did, with details, maybe I’m wrong.

My good friend did tell me that I should not focus or give any type of importance to this woman at all, specially because she is no one in my life, neither should I care whatsoever about her. And focus more if he truly loves me and wants me.

*he can try to get her instead of you

I think he is not truly in love with me, he focus more or lives more in his past than in his present, it’s like if he has unresolved/emotional issues, when we go out he always seem like down or bored like if he was not happy with me, or if am not enough for him, I believe I need to have a serious talk to him, I can’t take it anymore, it’s so bad to live with this anger and resent( being with a man that sees me like a second best), or so I think, we barely even have sex. Like he doesn’t want to have sex with me, it’s incredible, I have to tell him about it, he just doesn’t seem to care, when he is too tired from his job, then he uses the spiritual excuse( that we should not have sex outside of marriage, and that from time to time he feels weird about it. I feel this is all an excuse.

So are you also Gina from the post about the boyfriend not wanting to have sex? You really shouldn’t change your pseudonyms because it is against forum rules and people can give you better advice if we know multiple issues are going on.

It sounds to me like he may be depressed. Is there something going on at work as to why he’s so tired lately. Or he could be struggling and conflicted by his Christian faith of not wanting to have sex before marriage. You really do need to have a serious talk with him.

For your boyfriend, she’s the one that got away. That’s why he’s fixated on her.

@Kaye Also my good friend was telling me how she finds this man to be so insensitive, out of tact, and a bonehead, that any other good boyfriend if talked about a past fling, he would end up the conversation “But you are the prettiest girl I’ve ever had” she does not understand why he wont tell me this, ( she knows me since high school, she knows and has even told my how beautiful and attractive I am, I was popular back in the day) not to brag just so you can understand why she is saying this.

In my opinion he wont say it because he finds this other girl way prettier than me, and for him there is no comparison the only thing he did tell me is that I was a younger girl, that I had a big heart, was a pretty human being , was noble, sweet, but thats it, physically speaking he never compared neither said a word. He just said, this girl was beautiful, precious, and the rest well you all know it.

She also told me that this behavior of his is demeaning and provocative, as if he wanted me to feel extremely insecure, jealous, and create controversy and this is exactly what he wanted ever since he told me about this woman.

And you posted over and over about the same man from different perspectives. It makes me sad that you cant find the logical door by now: the door getting closed on him. He is not your lifeline, your lifesupport. You will grieve but be ok without him

Leslie, I understand what you are saying. He talks about this girl like she is a Goddess but with you he has multiple excuses why he doesn’t want to commit. Of course you feel bad. You may have to move on. I had a very similar situation. Every girl in his past plus current co workers, etc, were either beautiful, talented, special, or just plain amazing. But I was none of these things. The biggest compliment I ever got was, “Hun, you look nice” when going to a wedding or something.

We did get married (mainly because our mutual friends encouraged him to) but he ended up developing emotional relationships with women at work (as he called them). Finally one led to sex.

I got all the same things Lane was saying whenever I brought up things. “I am with you, I chose you, why would I be with you if you weren’t the one?” He even took me to priests and therapists who said I was “Sabotaging our marriage”. (Sex life was fine before and during marriage) Finally, when I almost left he confessed everything in front of our entire church. We tried to work it out by moving across country but eventually he cheated again. I just wasn’t the one. I never was. I was opportunity. And that was all.

He is now married to his first girlfriend who “got away”. This is just what happened to me. Doesn’t mean it’s your situation but it just sounds so similar. End of story I posted a pic of his wedding (we remained friends) and all my friends commented how shocked they were that this was his one that got away and multiple people commented how I was so much prettier (I did not want that as it was mean to her but clearly this was not about “Looks”).

SO I get you Leslie. Don’t listen to people who say you are paranoid or obsessing. People either love and support each other or they don’t. If someone wants you they aren’t thinking about someone else. Listen to your gut. It’s telling you something. Whether you brought it up or not it’s still the same. He has regrets and you may not be the one for him.