Help Getting Over Him


This topic contains 13 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Alice 4 months ago.

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  • #794556 Reply

    Alice

    Same’ol Same’ol as many of the posters here. I met a great guy, he said and did all the right things and now it’s just halted.

    I think I’m most upset because I never let myself get excited about guys until they are making the effort and communicating consistently. He was doing all of this, up until a month ago. He just stopped reaching out and I’m not one to chase so I didnt push.

    I have no ill will toward him, he really is just a great guy. I’m just bummed that it’s probably over. And although he may come back, I don’t want to count on it. I want to let go and accept we had fun and now it’s ended.

    I guess I’m writing this to vent to others, and also ask about how some of you have managed to get over a guy?

    I’m not going to reach out to him or ask what went wrong because I know that won’t solve anything. I’m just going to delete all his photos, songs we sent each other, text messages I saved and be done. I’m even thinking of changing his name in my phone, any suggestions?

    Ok I’ve said enough. Guess he’ll be my first one that got away, sucks dude.

    #794566 Reply

    Newbie

    i dont really understand why so many people vanish after a fair amount of time spend with each other. What is so hard about saying: i dont see this working out for me. Its the normal thing to do. So i do understand your frustration. Me i would give a person like that an earful. I wouldnt care how that makes me look. I want him to know he is not classy.
    But in your case its over a month already. I would delete his number as a final step. No point in keeping it. Take care.

    #794567 Reply

    Alice

    So technically, he was silent for a month and then this past weekend we texted a little and he said he missed me, asked how I’d been, etc.

    None of this matters to me though because I know he’d be putting in more of an effort if he shared the same feelings I did.

    So yea, he hasn’t technically ghosted and I don’t think he’d do that. However, he’s not doing the work and it’s disappointing because I really was starting to grow feelings for him and then he just halted all efforts.

    I don’t want to initiate the conversation of “what are we” when not much has happened lately so I’ve decided to start the process of letting the potential go and that includes starting to get rid of the feelings I was developing for him.

    Although he said a bunch of sweet things to me on Saturday, when I reciprocated is when he dropped off and it just isn’t cool. Especially when it’s hard for me to reciprocate things like “I miss you too”.

    If you want to know the last few texts we shared, I can write them out. But I feel like it’s irrelevant because if he wanted me in his life he’d try harder.

    Ugh, sometimes they really get to you don’t they :(

    #794569 Reply

    Alice

    Also, I’d love to find a new guy to get over him but that’s easier said than done. It takes a lot for me to like someone and it took a long time for me just to get to that point with this guy.

    I mean sure, I could go get a new guy easy if I wanted to. But I need sincere connection and that’s much harder to find. Otherwise I’m just going to be thinking of him while I’m with a guy I’m not really that into which isn’t good.

    #794572 Reply

    Newbie

    Are you talking about sweet texts last saturday? You must be really nice because i would have asked: who are you? Any person that doesnt give a peep and comes back not with any sincere explanation is a waiste of your time. And i would have told him just that. And take care, so long

    #794598 Reply

    Alice

    Yea your view makes sense.

    I guess for me, I just feel like he doesn’t really owe me anything when he’s not my boyfriend and we’re not exclusive. I don’t get upset when my friends go MIA because I know life can be hectic. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.

    Still, I also know when someone isn’t putting forth the effort and when I need to start letting go. He did mention he had some family stuff going on and he’d been dealing with that. I have no idea if that’s true or not but even so, it’s exactly why I don’t confront them on disappearing because you just never know.

    Anyway, here’s what happened… He said he missed me and asked how I was doing. I responded with “Miss you too” (which is so hard for me to admit to guys btw) and told him I was doing well and that I’m getting settled with my new job. Then I asked how he was and he told me about the family thing.

    Here is my exact response, “I’m so so sorry to hear that, I know that’s probably really hard. Wish I could hug you” and he said “awww, that would be so wonderful, it would”. I then said “let me know if you need anything” with a blushy emoji and then that was it.

    This was all on Saturday and haven’t heard from him since. So yea even if he his going through some family stuff, I know I need to let go because it may not be a good time for him and I don’t want to keep hoping and waiting.

    I made it known I’m here for him and it’s all I can do. Now it’s time to let go and if it’s meant to be it will be.

    #794622 Reply

    TinkerBella

    I don’t think you’ve heard the last of him. It seems to me he sincerely likes you. Lean way back and wait for him to contact you again and let’s see what he says. Men are horrible multi taskers and when they have a problem, they cannot see anything past it. Hold on, I really believe he’ll be back.

    #794627 Reply

    Alice

    Thanks Tinkerbella, yea maybe it’s not the last I’ll hear from him but I’m definitely going to start the process of trying to get over him.

    There isn’t much else I can do but start to let go. I realize men are bad at multitasking but I also don’t enjoy being in limbo with someone so I’d rather just zero them out.

    I don’t fall often and I absolutely was starting to with him. I just want to protect my heart and until he makes a major recovery I need to get over him.

    Besides, what would I even say to him at this point once he does reach back out? I’m hurt that things halted and I don’t want him to think he can just reappear in my life.

    #794652 Reply

    Anon

    Hi Alice,

    I was re-reading a post and ran into a post with the name Alice and if this is you- were you dating a medical resident that you never met? I’m wondering if you ever met him? If not, you never dated him and you’re getting over someone that was a text friend I’m guessing.

    Hope it’s going ok for you

    #794662 Reply

    Alice

    Hi Anon,
    haha no, I don’t even think I’ve ever met a medical resident? Must be a different Alice.

    This gentlemen and I have been seeing each other a while now but it started in Feb (so before Covid hit).

    He’s in the technical field and we have absolutely met and spent time together haha

    That’s so random there is another Alice, maybe I should change my name?

    #794666 Reply

    T from NY

    I am so sorry. I’ve totally been there – but I’ll speak frankly – this guys interest does not seem high at all. Either in you or just not in having a relationship we don’t know. But it’s never a woman’s job to riddle a man out. For me, I would find it super insulting if a guy came back after an absence and said he missed me but then didn’t do anything about it! Such as plan a date. Family biz or what have you – if he’s not offering you anything than words – it’s just noise that causes your heart to ache. And I know you said you’re not the type to get upset about a friend going MIA and he’s not your boyfriend and etc. But a guy you’re dating disappearing is VERY different than a friend getting busy with their life and losing touch temporarily. When a guy does that – it means he is NOT boyfriend material or good enough for you (at that current time) Whether you had an established status or NOT – it is NOT okay to drop in and out of your life. And please know that playing the easy, breezy cool girl doesn’t do you any favors. You DESERVE consistency and respect, not – whenever I wanna text you I will – type of behavior.

    More to consider – Men don’t play around with losing you if they are like you enough and are in a place to be in a relationship. But both of those things have to be in place. I have a guy friend who is very attractive, smart and great with the ladies. He told me once that for a man to commit – the recipe has only 2 ingredients. One is not definable. It’s just how that woman makes you feel (attraction is included in that but of course more than that) AND the other is the man has to be in a spot where he’s open to a relationship. If he’s closed off for whatever reason (there could be a million reasons) my friend said “It wouldn’t matter how good you made me feel or if you were the Queen of Sheba”.

    I know its sad. I recently ended it with someone who wasn’t stepping up even though he called me every single day. But he wasn’t progressing our time together or the relationship. I have been tempted to call him every single day since the breakup. But I have not. And will not lol. Because I know what I want. And if he was my person – I might be on a date right now with him instead of writing to you! Same for you!
    You will be okay. Let him go. And only allow men in your life who are consistent and invest in you.

    #794672 Reply

    Alice

    T from NY, I completely agree with you that it’s time to let him go. That’s why I posted for suggestions on how to do that (along with what I’m already doing).

    It is painful, you’re right about that and I’m so sorry you are going through the same thing. I actually have a lot of male friends and many of them have told me how stupid they were one time or another and let a great woman go for ridiculous reasons (most of them being bad timing) and how they wish they could take it back because those women were the ones that got away.

    I believe your male friend is right too. The recipe is simple for men, they have to feel it with you and it has to be good timing essentially. I don’t fault men for thinking this way, it’s just unfortunate for us women who can really see potential there and we don’t even get a fair shot.

    Still, I like you will NOT text or reach out to him. It’s not my style to chase a man. I don’t even think telling him “this is ending” is needed because nothing is even going on at the moment. So I’m just going to leave be and allow it to naturally fizzle out.

    I know he feels great around me, I’m not even being hard on myself about that part. I 100% know it’s not me. I honestly thing it’s the 2nd part, that the timing in his life is off. He’s really focused on his career goals right now and with the family stuff also happening now, it’s just not a good time. He hasn’t said it specifically but I can feel that’s what’s pulling him back. Sucks, but that’s the way it goes.

    Do you have any suggestions for me as to what to say if he reaches out again? Should I hold him accountable? Like say something like, “I haven’t heard from you in a while, Not really looking for something that’s not authentic” or is that not a good way to put it?

    What have you been doing to keep busy in this pandemic? I need all the help I can get to not think about him since I’m pretty much accepting it’s over and need to let go.

    #794692 Reply

    T from NY

    If he reached out again I don’t normally recommend serious convos via text. But y’all aren’t in a place where you speak on the phone regularly or even have a committed relationship so sometimes it’s good to say how you feel to give the person space to think about their own feelings. Also if you send something saying something similar below you have to truly mean it and be willing to go no contact. Or the man loses respect for you, but most importantly you aren’t respecting yourself.

    Maybe something like “I think I’ve communicated how I feel about you, how much fun we have and I feel connected to you. But the inconsistency of our communications let’s me know we’re not on the same page. So it hurts to hear from you sporadically. If you want to talk about this more feel free to call me. Or if you’re just not in a place right now or feel differently I sincerely wish you good things.” — Or something like that.

    I took a couple of weeks to grieve it. Cried and slept a lot. Lol. I really liked the guy and it was the most mature and thoughtful break up I’ve ever had (over the phone) He also was just emotionally not there. But I’ve staying in contact with family and friends. Exercise, meditation, journaling. Social distance coffee dates with girlfriends. I’ve listened to 3 books on tape and read 2 others lol. Anything to keep my mind off it. But honestly I’m in a place (and you’ll get there too) I don’t miss HIM as much as I miss his sweet treatment and being in a partnership. Because I’m kinda turned off now by men that just obviously aren’t MY match. I want MY person. And my person would be emotionally compatible with me. So it’s moreso grieving the potential and the dream than him. I’m recovering faster than I ever have because I’m committed to myself first and foremost. I wish that for you

    #794736 Reply

    Alice

    T from NY, wow. Just wow. THANK YOU for putting into words what I was going to struggle with when he does reach out to me (I know he will). I want to be honest without being a witch all at once. I was to have my standard without being angry or hostile. You put it into words for me!

    I’m taking a photo on my phone of what you wrote. I don’t want to forget it.

    I too want someone who fights for me, shares in my desire for them and doesn’t see me as easily being able to let go. This guy was truly a sweet soul, the most sincere heart I’ve ever met, but he’s just not where I am. I don’t fault him for it, see it more as a tragedy to be honest.

    I miss our talks, our sharing of music, our like mindedness of emotional intelligence. Still, even I know when someone isn’t investing it’s not healthy to hold on. I’m going to let him go and keep pushing myself through this thing called life.

    I’ve been reading a lot too, going for long walks, thinking of my Dad and what he would tell me if he were here and not passed on. It makes me strong, to know this guy is truly missing out on a beautiful thing. I’m loyal, successful, easy on the eyes (as all the guys I’ve dated have told me), but more importantly I’m real. I give everything when I love someone.

    It’s so tragic he’s never going to know that from me. Maybe he’s afraid, maybe he’s not ready, but it’s still tragic. I hope he realizes someday even after I’m long gone, that I was true in my interactions and feelings with him. I meant every word.

    So painful, he really was mesmerizing. Back to the drawing board, and on with life I go.

    Thank you again, you said what I need to say perfecting when he reaches back out. I’ll keep you updated for when that happens.

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