This topic contains 22 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Alice 3 weeks, 3 days ago.
September 26, 2019 at 12:00 am #774135
Hana, Jen and all the other girls that have posted their stories these past couple of years, I hope that you are doing well. Thanks for sharing your stories and make me feel like I can relate to what I’m going through right now.
My heart hurts and today is one of those very difficult days. I found this forum and I think it would be good for me if I share my story…I have to get this off my chest. In April 2018, I traveled to San Diego for work and met a guy. We started texting and talking on the phone, cause I live in Florida and he is in the Navy so San Diego was his city. When I got back to FL we started texting everyday, all day and in the process of getting to know each other he told me about his ex. He told me that they broke up some time in 2017, that when he got back from one of his constant work trips, he found her (I’m sorry about what I’m going to say here but that’s exactly what he told me) sucking another dude’s dick at their room. He told me he told her to pack all of her crap and leave the house, and that she did. He said he wanted kids and according to her she couldn’t get pregnant, he even got his sperm tested, but that subsequently he found out she was using the pill and hiding it from him cause she didn’t want kids at the moment. He told me he was hurt but moved on. I looked for her on social media just to see her, but she deactivated her social profiles.
Our relationship evolved, he traveled to FL to be with me and I traveled to Cali to be with him. He traveled every month to FL and then me every month to Cali, and every time he traveled for work to the East side I bought a plane ticket to see him. It was long distance, but we texted and FaceTimed all the time. He told me everything about him, or that’s what I thought. He made me feel appreciated. He made me laugh all the time. I felt a sense of security around him. It was easy, cause he is the most easygoing person I’ve ever met. He repeatedly told me “I want you to be the mom of the kids I’ve always dreamed about. I want to have kids with you”. We made plans for the future, even though he always said “in my job tomorrow is not promised” and thinking about losing him cause of his job drove me insane. But that’s not how I lost him. So I guess life has a funny way, uh?
In early March of this year(2019), he left for deployment. I was devastated and worried cause he was going to do a few missions in a war zone and he wasn’t allowed to tell me his real location. Deployment was difficult but we talked almost everyday and I was happy. We were so excited cause I would move to San Diego this December 2019. Out of curiosity and for some reason I still can’t explain(intuition? sixth sense?) this past July I decided to look for his ex on Instagram just to see if she reactivated her social media. I found her and to my surprise she was using his last name. I felt a tight knot in my stomach, I felt like I wanted to puke. “His last name? How? Why? He told me she was his ex girlfriend not that they were married” I said to myself. I ran to Facebook to see if she also came back there, and there she was using his last name again. I didn’t tell him anything. He was acting normal at the moment. We never had each other in Facebook, cause he told me he hated social media, but I found out he had a Facebook profile. Two days before I found both profiles, she changed her profile picture which is public and when I checked he gave her a “love” reaction. I felt like I was about to faint. This couldn’t be happening to me.
I investigated and found they were separated not legally divorced and that he lied to me, she wasn’t his ex girlfriend, she was his wife, soon to be ex wife. But still his wife. I didn’t tell him anything, but don’t judge me, I just wanted to see how he would start treating me and how he would act the next weeks. Suddenly, he started to disappear for days and then told me he was overwhelmed with work. He started reading my texts and not answering back in a while and sometimes never. He wasn’t the same, he started to act different, not as loving. And short messages were his new thing. I told him “would you ever go back with your ex?” and he told me “what? why? do you want to go back to your ex? Cause if that makes you happy I guess could accept it”. I told him “no, but I guess people go back to exes all the times and hurt their partners”. He didn’t say anything. On August 21, I sent him a text and he never replied. I saw he deleted his Whatsapp. I called him no answer. FaceTime no answer. My desperation was so unbearable, I searched on Google if something happened in the country he was deployed and he could be dead, but my mind and heart knew what was happening. One week passed and I couldn’t locate him. His Facebook was gone. Two weeks. Then three weeks. I just cried and cried and cried for days.
I contacted one of his best friends and I convinced him to tell me the truth. He told me that he and his wife were talking again and that my man decided to give her a chance and start all over again. He told me she was the one that looked for him and that their time being apart from each other helped her realized she wanted him back. That he started to talk to him right before deployment and that deployment just helped in rekindling their marriage. After hearing it, I felt worthless.
Last week, almost a month after our last text, I tried again and texted him and it was delivered. My heart skipped a beat when I saw he was typing. For a moment, a part of me felt hopeful but it didn’t last. He texted me “I’m so sorry about all of this. Thanks for everything. I just got home today. Gonna focus on family time. Will go to Pennsylvania to spend some weeks with my mom. I will disappear for a while. I’m sorry. Take care and good luck with your next chapter”. I started crying like I never cried before. He didn’t fight for me. What the f**k did I do to deserve this? That was it? Goodbye like nothing ever happened? For some reason I wasn’t angry, I wanted to be, but all I did was cry. I texted him back “Wish you the best with whatever or whoever makes you feel happy, grateful and alive. It sucks that we can’t unknown people, which means I will always care and pray for you. Take care and Goodbye” and he texted me back “I love you. I am so sorry”. And that was it.
I didn’t had the gut to ask him directly about going back to his wife, about him hiding it from me. You will think I’m an idiot for that, but I’ve been so emotionally fragile and I don’t know if it was a good idea to hear his explanation. I deleted his number and his pictures. Since last week, I’m surviving. Every day feels like a new challenge, I’m struggling. I’m not eating well. I basically wake up, go to work and I try to survive another day. I miss him so much. In late July, he celebrated my birthday in the distance, told me about being so excited about my move to San Diego in December and told me how much he was looking forward to try for a baby next spring when we were already living together. How could you make so many plans with a person, and then basically ghost them, disappear and go back to your ex like nothing happened?!?! That makes no sense
I don’t know how many months or years will take me to accept my reality. My heart isn’t bruised, it is completely shattered in million tiny pieces that probably can’t be glued back. In general, I’ve always been a happy woman. I think I’m good looking, I have my dream job, I have an amazing and supportive family…but at this moment, it seems like it isn’t enough. At this point, I’m thinking that he used me to have sex and to feel less lonely of the trauma his ex created in his life. I’m hurt, so hurt. And for thinking I could have a family of my own next year, now I’m here thinking how and where do I begin again? Time will tell and this will be a crazy process I have to through, but I can’t wait to look back and see this as a lesson.September 27, 2019 at 12:41 am #774276
Oh my, I’m so sorry this has happened and you are in so much pain. Truly an awful experience. What a deceitful man, no honesty or integrity to lie right from the start that he was married and then to discover this.
What dignity you’ve conducted yourself with too. It hurts like hell, that is clear, but in time hopefully you will feel relieved to have rided yourself of this lying dishonest man.
He won’t trust his ex ever again and don’t think he’ll be happy. He cane back to find her with another man? Judy imagine how trust will work whilst he’s deployed.
Even in the fnd he couldn’t tell you the truth. What an arsehole.
Dear lady please think only of yourself no and getting through each day, don’t be surprised if he tries to crawl back, as what he’s gone back to won’t work.September 27, 2019 at 4:32 am #774279
He will be back because it will not work with his wife. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK!!!
There is no excuse for what he has done. He is selfish and cruel. He is a coward.
This pain will pass. It will always be sharp stab of pain when you remember and think about it- even when you move on but do not let him destroy you or ruin your ability to trust. Unfortunately with long distance it is easy for men to lead a double life.
Im sorry this happened to you xSeptember 27, 2019 at 6:06 am #774292
so sorry to hear what happened with you. he is a liar first and foremost. he should have told you right at the start that hes still married. he didn’t. he talked about future and stuff with you without even coming clean about his marital status. he is not the man you thought he was and loved. this guy is a cheater, liar, user and a coward. shameless man with zero integrity and no character. you have had a lucky escape. you have been played cause no honest person would do what he did. f**k him. u don’t need sh*ty men like that in your life!
just like one poster mentioned above. I also have the feeling he will be bac! do not let him re-enter. do not ever talk to him ! right now your hurting but when you actually are over the initial hurt you will see what an ass**** of a guy he is. you have been played by a player. next time be a little more careful.September 27, 2019 at 10:07 am #774305
My heart hurts for you. Not only did this man break your heart but he’s shattered your dreams of a future with him moving to San Diego and having kids together. It is going to take you time to heal but you will. And he is going back to a wife who cheated on him and lied about being able to get pregnant. She was taking pills behind his back! How screwed up is this? I agree with the others that things will probably not last with her, but please don’t look at their social media accounts. It’s only going to hurt you more. My guess is she will probably try to get pregnant soon in order to keep him. And you don’t want to be seeing that on social media and wishing it were you. I know it’s going to be so hard not to look but you need to take care of you.
What you need to focus on is this man is not who you thought he was. He’s not the man of your dreams. He’s a liar. He didn’t tell you he was married and didn’t even tell you he’s going back to his ex! How would you be feeling right now if you hadn’t found her? If you didn’t know they were still married? You would be sitting here wondering what the Hell happened! You had to go to his best friend to get the truth. This man doesn’t even have the balls (sorry but it’s true!!) to tell you the truth as to why he ghosted and ignored you for a month only to come back and DUMP you! How long would you have been sitting here waiting if you hadn’t sent that text to him?
I am not judging you at all for not confronting him with what you know. I think you have handled this with dignity and grace far beyond what this man deserves. But I would keep that information in your back pocket. Because I do think this man will be back just by the way he said he was going to disappear for awhile. And when he does try to weasel his way back into our life I hope you are stronger and healing and you tell him you would be an idiot to get back with such a lying, deceitful person!! That you deserve so much better and you would think a man serving in our military would have the honesty and integrity to at least tell you the truth.
You are right that it is going to take you some time to heal, but you will. And someday a man is going to hold you so tight that all your broken pieces will stick back together!!!October 20, 2019 at 2:57 am #775782
Thanks girls. I appreciate your words. It’s been a month and I feel a little better. Some days I feel good, some days I feel like crap, some nights I watch Netflix in peace, some nights I cry myself to sleep…but I think that this is a day by day thing and it also requires a lot of effort from me which I’m doing. I deleted his number and I think it is an important step. I blocked both of them on social media, so I don’t feel the need to check on them. If he ever comes back which I think he will, my answer will be a no, and even in my most vulnerable(which I am right now), I am aware that I can’t and won’t take him back. I invested so much time in making him happy and make him feel supported and heard, that you aren’t ready for such a brutal disappointment.October 20, 2019 at 3:47 am #775783
It’s so good to hear your update. Sounds like you are pushing through the hurt one day at a time from what was a devastating thing to have happened. Would love to hear how things are as time goes on? How the balance of ok days to the crying yourself to sleep days go in say another four weeks. Wishing you the best through thisOctober 24, 2019 at 12:03 am #776093
T from NY
I am also wishing you the best. Loving means risking and this man was brutally awful with you. How could you have known? I feel balance and kindness in your post describing how you are tending to you. Most days I feel like all of life is a crap shoot and we just do our best with the hands dealt to us. Wishing you peace and less unrest. Also that you’ll feel, quicker than you think, grateful to the universe for removing someone from your life that shouldn’t have been there. That man showed you unequivocally who he is so thank goodness there was no need for waffling or angst if you were making the right decision! What a gift – Though I know it doesn’t feel like it. You’ll get through this. You are not alone.October 24, 2019 at 8:31 am #776117
Juat know kharma will bite him in the arse! He’s going to pay dearly for going back to d*ic sucking ex wife haha (hope your laughing a bit :o). You were blindsided and deceived in the worst and most horrible way, so its going to take awhile to not only get over this hurt but to trust men again. All you can do is take it one day at a time, and as the others said, never ever ever speak to him again, like never.
Like they say “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” You will get stronger and be thankful you didn’t end up being with such a major liar and deceiver. This is life’s harsh way of veering you away from what undoubtedly would have been a miserable relationship down the road. I know its hard to see now, but there is a silver lining in this, in that you were spared from ending up with a compulsive liar.October 24, 2019 at 7:08 pm #776178
I am so very sorry about what happened to you. He was able to lie so very well. You dodged a huge bullet my dear. Can you imagine what your life would have been like with him? I can and it is not pretty.
I am glad you are getting stronger….and I agree that these two deserve each other. Neither one of them can trust the other.
You are not the one in the total wrong here…so why should you feel worthless? You should be very proud of yourself. Life teaches us lessons….some are very hard to bear but what we learn will make us more wary and aware that we have to check a person out. Do not give your heart until you have learned all there is to know. You situation with the long distance and deployment made that hard to do, so that is why meeting and getting to know family and friends is so very important.
You did nothing wrong and should not suffer these beasties. Next time make sure you completely check a man out as much as possible. Long distance checking is very hard to do so maybe you need to stay local.
My very best to you.October 25, 2019 at 1:24 pm #776161
I read your story and i can say that 95% similarity to my experience. Only i got pregnant which during that time he came back with his ex (he got her pregnant too before me). That girl cheated on him many times and he knew that she was ******* around with other guys. When he was done with her he asked me to why not give him a chance to be in a relationship with him and see if it works. He said he always wanted a serious relationship so i gave it a try. Everything went smooth, i became like a real wife to him. I took care of him i even gave my self time to him then i got pregnant then out of the blue found out that he got back to his ex recently. I really feel your pain and it is sometimes unbearable because it is still fresh. Like what you did i searched the girl’s profile and that was how i found out. She was using his last name. I was really devastated but thanks to a friend of mine who helped me recovered thru God’s words. It was really hard at first because you feel the pain ripping your soul but i tried to help myself to heal. Then it took only like 2 months, yes i still feel the pain but there was no more hatred and i tried to forgive him since he is the father of my child. I had a baby girl and she is such a blessing to me. I thank him too, because of him i met God and i let him take over my life. Maybe this is the reason why people come in to our lives. To know our worth.October 27, 2019 at 3:15 pm #776278
Thank you girls. I’m happy to read all of your replies, even though it is a sad situation no one wants to go through. I appreciate your advice and also to read other women that went through similar situations it makes me feel like I’m not the only one and gives me a little hope.
Marge, your story is so so sad, cause there’s an innocent little creature in the middle. You went through hell pregnant and that must have been one of the saddest moments of your life. I’m so happy that you’re doing better and that your baby girl is that ray of sunshine that makes your days bright. Also, how amazing it is that now you’re now closer to the Lord, I’m sure He was the one holding you through all the process. Best wishes to you and your girlie!
Today is a good day, and in this month I have learned that you will have good and bad days. So even though I’m not particularly religious, I’m very spiritual and I think it helps to deal with the pain in the bad days. When I keep myself busy, I tend to forget and it’s like free therapy. So this weekend, I’m busy with a huge birthday party for a cousin and a family reunion, and that helps a lot. So I’m 100% Monday will be a rough depressive day and that it will be hard to wake up from bed, do my makeup and go to work. Week days when I’m home alone are the really s****y ones. I’m glad that even in these circumstances, I can make other girls relate to my story and feel a little support from other girls. I never used this forum but I searched Google for an advice and then I saw this forum, and thought it was the perfect platform to share my story and get all off my chest and maybe help some other girls, cause something positive will come from this. Maybe the next time I give an update I will be super sad, but I’ll take an advantage of today being a good day and I’ll spend quality time with my loved ones.October 27, 2019 at 5:55 pm #776311
Good to hear from you Lisa. You’re doing good! You’re rolling with the tide of emotions that you feel and experience and you’re pushing on !
Also Marge- what an experience you’ve had too. These two men you ladies have met. Well, it’s just awful. Wishing you continued strength and more good days as time goes on – you’re working hard for them and they are due to you!December 21, 2019 at 10:41 pm #781506
Hey y’all. I’m doing fine, better than last month. I did a mistake though, even when some of you advice not to do it. I checked some of his family members social media and saw him on Thanksgiving with her and wearing his wedding band. I zoomed his hand and then I cried. Man, some days I miss him so much and there are times when something good happens or I see something funny and I just wanna tell him because that’s how it used to be. But I’m doing well, looking forward to a new job opportunity in DC and spending the holidays with the family. Whoever is going through the same, be strong it will be okay!December 22, 2019 at 4:29 am #781512
Hey Liza! Great to hear how you’re doing. No one is going to reprimand you for doing a little stalking, people do. Hold on the how it stung though to help not do it again.
Sounds like you’re continuing to make progress here. It takes such time when you trusted and loved someone. Hoping you have good plans over the holiday season and ready to tackle 2020 !December 22, 2019 at 8:35 am #781522
Liza, its going to take awhile to work through all the emotions until you reach the stage of ‘indifference’ which is when the thoughts of him begin to fade and have no desire to see or talk to him ever again. You will eventually get there, whereas it looks like you have a new adventure ahead of you so that should help keep you busy and put all your focus on you :o)
Out with old and in with a brand new year!December 22, 2019 at 11:27 am #781524
I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. I am sincerely happy to hear you are doing well. I know it takes time to heal and I myself have suffered deception from someone I trusted, so I understand the difficulty of getting your self back together. The focus is to be true to yourself and know that only you have control of your happiness. That being with family, friends and people who actually care and respect you. I also think your an extremely smart person for following your intuition, that is how I found out I was being deceived as well by doing my research. I know the saying if your looking for something you may not like what you find….but its worst not knowing or just ignoring the obvious. Taking control of your life and know that there is someone out there who truly deserves you because you are a great person wit lots to offer!April 10, 2020 at 3:59 am #788998
Liza, I just happened to come across your story… I’m so happy you are doing better!! I hope you don’t mind me asking for advice. My sweet boyfriend of almost a year has hired an ex girlfriend. She is in another state than ours, but will still be a part of his daily work. They dated for two years, she is 20 years younger (than both of us) beautiful, thin and everything I am not 😣 I had my meltdown with him and he has tried to reassure me that there is nothing between them. I’m doing my best not to ruin our relationship, but this is tough. He’s never given me a reason to doubt him, but I’m that insecure girl! I drive him crazy with my questions, but I just need his reassurance that there isn’t reason to worry! Please, anyone, tell me your thoughts. Thank you!!April 10, 2020 at 12:24 pm #789012
Mod update: Hi S, thanks for sharing your question with the community!
We can see that, in the past, Liza did come back to this thread and update the community with how she’s been doing. We all appreciate that. It’s wonderful to see when people are finding the clarity and strength to move on from a lousy situation.
There’s a chance we’ll see Liza reappear (and hopefully she is continuing to do well). But I think you’ll get more of a response from the community if you go ahead and start your own thread – the fresh threads tend to get much more community involvement.
Normally I close-down old threads but I’d like to leave this open in case Liza does come back and update us. Again, you are welcome to start a fresh new thread here. Thanks!May 18, 2020 at 1:47 am #791195
Hi girls! Decided to give an update about my life and a little advice to “S”. I’m doing great! I can’t believe I’m happy again and I’m just so grateful I am. It’s been 9 months and those first months were difficult as there were more questions than answers and I felt worthless and stupid. It took me a while to feel 100% confident again, time heals and the people you surround yourself with are so important in the process. I just have this weird feeling that he is not happy right now, but I still wish him the best because at the end I understood the pain he inflicted in me had nothing to do with me and my value as a woman, but it had a lot to do with himself, his demons and his Selfishness. I still miss him some days, but this chapter is officially closed.
And S, I’m so sorry you’re going through hard times in your relationship. I think that us women even if we’re confident, we can feel insecure about exes, especially if they’re still close. My advice is to give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, I think that if he never lied to you, you should believe him when he says its nothing. But always keep an eye, not because you don’t trust him but because you care about your relationship. Be careful not to confuse your intuition with your ego. Communication is key. Wish you the best!May 18, 2020 at 12:32 pm #791205
Liza, thanks for taking the time to come back and update the community! I’m happy to hear that you’re doing well, and I hope your update helps give hope to other people who feel like they’re in a similar situation.July 14, 2020 at 11:29 am #796346
Thank you Liza for sharing your story and updates.
I’m currently in the same situation. Luckily we’ve been together only for 7 months. He only mentioned that he was depressed when we first know each other. He said talking and texting with me helped him to sleep better at night and it really means so much to him.
We had a wonderful few months together. I’m in love and was really hoping for a future with him. Just like your story, he suddenly changed. The way he treated and text me. I let him be for almost a month. I thought he was stressed and so I gave him some space and time.
When I finally decided to text him again, he finally told me the cause of his depression. He was married with two kids. His wife left him and ask for divorce. I asked him about us and he said that he dont want to think about relationship right now.
I was so broken and dissapointed. Its really hard for me to like someone and fall in love and when i finally open my heart for someone, this happened.
Just like what u did, I try to find his ex’s social media and what i found really broke my heart. I saw a recent picture of them together having dinner. I’m guessing its her birthday.July 14, 2020 at 7:21 pm #796417
What happened to you was just awful. I’m so sorry he just used you like that. I know of a few stories that are very similar to yours from some of my friends. Its very sad.
I bet his wife never even knew you were in the picture. They absolutely deserve each other if those are the kinds of people they are.
There are a lot of men who do this to women, they use the whole “I don’t have a social media” when really they do and they have just deleted it to either cheat on their wife or fool the girl they are seeing and hide things about their past.
I’m so so sorry you went through this. My heart goes out to anyone who has to go through this.