He says I didn’t put enough effort

Home Forums How To Get My Ex Back He says I didn’t put enough effort

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  • #940087 Reply

    I dated a guy for 7 months, for more than 5 it was already a serious relationship where I met his friends and family. He was really loving and affectionate, like really, he loved to cuddle all the time, always complimented me etc. I, on the other hand, was much more restrained and aloof at times, never really hugged or kissed him first, but I’ve been putting a lot of effort in initiating contact everyday, making plans for weekends, cooking for him and all those small things. It took me a little more time to open up and I feel he went strong on me fast, but then also quickly lost interest because things weren’t that intense on my side (we were intimate all this time though and it was great).

    One month prior break up I went on a trip alone with my friend for two weeks and he seemed okay with it, but then, when I came back, I was also caught up with learning new skills and looking for new job, so I would talk about work most of the time and study even while hanging out with him. For the last two weeks I could sense him getting a bit distant, but I didn’t know what was off and how to confront him about it.

    Suddenly, one day he called it off and the reason he gave was that he didn’t feel I was that invested in the relationship and that he didn’t feel important enough and that he needed more attention, affection and reassurence. I was in shock and tried to find explanations for my behaviour. I really was into him and cared so much, but didn’t try too hard to negotiate the break up and had to let it go at the time. Then I went no contact for 2-3 weeks and started talking again after that time. I also initiated a meeting later on, so that we could talk about what happened once more. Tried to listen to him and make sure these weren’t just excuses. He seemed really genuine. He said he was feeling very unsure of himself and of my feelings and that it was something he could never deal with emotionally to keep it going. I tried to reassure him what he meant to me, that I’m just shy when it comes to men, but would really like to make more effort this time and make sure he feels important and appreciated. He only said that it’s okay, he doesn’t feel any resentment towards me and will only remember the good things forever. He said he was sure about his decision and that „logic and arguments don’t work when it comes to feelings”. That I am „me”, while he needed something else by the time.

    I really feel bad about things working out this way, but are there even any chances for reconciliation at this point? I got really attached and could see so much potential and even a whole future with him. He said he was also already thinking about the future before. It’s been already more than 3 months after the break up and almost a month since we last talked.

    #940093 Reply

    Hi. Sorry but I think this is a lost cause. It comes down to compatibility I would say. He seems
    to want a person who is more verbally and physically expressive and whom prioritizes time with him. You do not act like that person. Let him go. I am not sure if you were trying to ‘play it cool” or you are just more subdued that way. Sorry but you two were not a match in his mind.

    #940096 Reply

    Hi, thank you. Yes, unfortunately I was trying a bit to ‚play it cool’ and take things slow not to get hurt, but turned out the opposite way.

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