He Said He Doesnt Want a Relationship BUT…..

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  • #840702 Reply


    So, my best guy friend and I recently experimented with some feelings.. eventually, I fell in love. He told me he has tried really hard to “not love me” back because he doesnt want to ruin us. Anyway, long story short, he said he still wants to be friends, doesnt want to lose me, and when he talks to me its different, it’s more loving, more caring, he has started to call me more without me initiating, which is an issue we’ve always had and said he wants to keep up contact several times a week still and not just stop talking. So, does it seem as if he has feelings and is holding back, or are men really not that complicated and am I just HOPING that deep down he does but wont tell me?

    #840776 Reply


    Men are not complicated as long as there’s ACTIONS behind or in front of the TALK. If he’s all talk and no action then I would suspect it’s not going any further than what it is, a friendship.

    Additionally, there are many forms of “love.” He may love you as a person but not be ‘in love’ with you in the way he needs to be in love with a woman to go the romantic route. This is the tricky part as men do have strong friendships with women they have no romantic feelings for. They love them but are not IN LOVE with them—there’s a stark difference between the two.

    The best thing to do in this situation is to get clarity on what romantic love means to him, he could very well love you as a friend but not have romantic love for you which is why he added the caveat “he didn’t want to mess it up.” Going from friendship to romance is a tricky situation so I would definitely try to get some clarity to determine if you are both “on board” (on the same page) before you proceed.

    #847198 Reply


    I feel your pain. I also feel like a dumb ass. The guy in my life told me up front he didn’t want a relationship on our first date! I was like wtf are we doing here. He has continually pursued me. Took me out on Valentine’s Day even. Texts me, we talk for hours on the phone, do activities together (and we work together so that sucks), we have been intimated and he is a thoughtful caring lover who holds me all night. Bit he still has not clarified his feelings for me and all I have to go was a comment he made when we were talking about our past marriages. Like a dumb ass I didn’t run then. Good luck!

    #847212 Reply


    There’s no BUT after “doesn’t want a relationship.” When men say they don’t want a relationship, 99% of the time they mean it and they’re not going to change their minds.

    The “BUT” after that is to convince you to stick around on their terms because they enjoy your company. Too many women accept those terms hoping and praying he’ll come around to wanting her when they see how awesome she is. Only works that way in the movies.

    So he’s making extra effort to keep you around… BUT on his terms. He doesn’t want to “ruin” your current relationship means he only wants to be friends.

    Here’s the acid test: how would you feel if he came to you and waxed lyrical about a woman he just met who he’s fallen madly in love with and plans to propose marriage to? If your answer is anything less than I would be very happy for him, then you shouldn’t be hanging around him.

    You need to consider your interests and life goals. Can you really just be friends with this guy? If the answer is no, then you need to cut contact so you can move on and be open to Mr. Right, no matter how much he begs and pleads. Don’t use him as a security blanket, and don’t let him use you as his.

    #847221 Reply


    “He told me he has tried really hard to “not love me” back because he doesnt want to ruin us”

    Translation: I dont feel seriously towards you but I enjoy your company. I know full well it’s a dead end if we took a chance and went down that road, so I’d rather not.

    Men who truly love a woman will risk the friendship to pursue her. And often we dont even have to try as it’s all instinct/auto-pilot when you can see a future with someone. Rare but a great zone to be in

    Lane’s spot on that guys are able to keep platonic and romantic love separate. Something many women struggle with.

    The amount of contact he wants to maintain with you does make me skeptical. Because there are many cases of guys who arent interested in pursuing a friend, but keep her too close for her to be able to date anyone else. I guess whether he gives you the space to get over him and date someone else will define how genuine the friendship really is.

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