He follows hot girls on social media


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This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Rubi 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #933424 Reply

    Meg

    So I found out this guy I’ve been dating ( not officially yet) follows hot girls on social media.
    At first I went through his IG cause we follow each other, and he mostly follows girls but I saw that these girls are people from his city and they follow him back so I wasn’t so freaked out but I was also shocked that he mostly likes their pictures in bikini. Even if he doesn’t like anyother picture, he always likes the ones in bikinis and it was a bit weird cause he once said he won’t want his girlfriend to post pictures with very revealing bikinis. I ignored what I saw anyways and concluded that since he knows them then it’s probably not a big deal and I didn’t tell him I went through his IG.
    But what bummed me out the most is he recently sent me a video on tiktok and his profile pops up so I also check who he follows, also all girls maybe just 3 guys. And they are all girls with really big boobs or big asses.
    Even some were very grown women and they all are either posting thirst traps and videos were their boobs or cleavage are showing.
    It’s also so weird cause he doesn’t post anything and tiktok has so much more than videos with hot girls , I never saw one account that was anything else , like a come now account or educational, so I’m guessing he uses tiktok to watch these women and get turned on?
    Cause these people don’t follow him.
    And he also watches porn too as he once told me.
    And all these are just making me feel weird about him, like he is a perv. I also don’t wanna confront him since we are not in an official relationship, because he was obviously doing this in his previous relationship and his ex had no issue with it. But I don’t want a man that follow hot girls on Social media and watches alot of porn, cause he is obviously going to sexualise any of those thirst trap videos. I’m currently thinking of just walking away

    #933425 Reply

    Anna

    a lot of people do that though! if it bothers you then no one is forcing you to see him?
    I follow hot guys on insta and some follow me back, but to me there are complete strangers and even though I might be like wow, like their photo etc I would never do anything beyond that.
    You also have to realise that those girls get attention from a lot of men, so unless your man is really good looking then he won’t even have a chance haha and I don’t mean to sound harsh here.
    But I understand where you are coming from because it would bother me too , from my experience I know that if I guy is interested in one woman , he usually unfollows girls he doesn’t know.

    #933428 Reply

    M

    It tells you where his focus is. Well done for excellent research telling you what kind of a relationship you can expect with this guy.

    Is that what you want, a guy who spends the majority (if not all) of his online time obsessing over other semi-naked/naked women?

    Or would you prefer to keep searching for a genuinely sweet kind intelligent fun well-rounded guy that will not only love you but respect you as well?

    #933450 Reply

    Zoya Bu

    its a deal breaker

    #933451 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Yellow flag in my opinion

    #933468 Reply

    Eric Charles
    Keymaster

    So I have some thoughts on this, but I need to set my point up a bit.

    A good relationship is built on two partners that support bringing out the best in each other. A relationship that last brings each partner to a place they could never reach if they were on their own.

    A New Mode is a women’s site, we focus on what you can do to bring out his best as a man. Also, since men and women are different and their love is triggered in different ways, we go into the nuances of that.

    When it comes to porn, my attitude a decade ago was that porn was no big deal. My general points were that men watch porn and it has nothing to do with the relationship or the women he’s “watching”.

    Now, however, I think that porn is a poison on society.

    Why?

    Because:

    – it’s interactive in a way that it didn’t used to be (cam sites being an example of this). So some men when they’re really down bad will form para-social relationships with these performers. Not saying that’s happening here, but it’s a bad end game for any man and no stage on a track towards that is a good track to be on.

    – it’s everywhere, it’s free and everything is an on-ramp to it. So the hot girls on Tik Tok or Instagram are the teaser that then lures a guy into a porn bender. And everyone is on these apps every day, throughout the day. So when you consider that men are getting pulled on constantly to start a porn watching session (and we know what comes with that), you can imagine the pressure that men are under when this is in their timeline all day.

    – but my biggest issue is testosterone (and a myriad of other brain chemicals, hormones, etc.) I suspect that depression in males is strongly linked to porn consumption. I haven’t studied this issue deeply, but I suspect as much.

    I see all sorts of discussions about how men are awful or women are awful.

    I’ve never shared either view. I’ve always viewed it as men and women are under tremendous psychological manipulation in today’s world, and both sexes are being taken unknowingly advantage of.

    It’s sad. And I think a great relationship is the antidote to the world we live in, where the shared understanding is that it really is them against the modern world.

    So I am against a man looking at porn (or on-ramps to porn, aka social media hot girls).

    Not because it’s some kind of cheating. (It’s not, to these women the guys are a number on the screen, they have no interest in any interaction. It’s all business and they already have their own boyfriends. These aren’t available women.)

    Not because it’s perverted. (It isn’t necessarily. Sure there are some wild things out there, but I suspect the majority of men are lured into porn through the most basic, normal things that attract men. The same biology that makes him attracted to you is what porn exploits to take advantage of him.)

    The reason I’m against it is because it takes the man into a worse version of himself: A man with lower testosterone, more prone to depression, weaker, less motivated, less alive.

    In a partnership, I look at that with sympathy. Porn isn’t your competitor. Porn is his weakness. Porn is a vampire in his life, draining him of his best life.

    Like you said, you’re not his girlfriend so getting into the weeds here is probably not appropriate yet.

    What I’m saying at this point is that when a man looks at porn, view that with sympathy, not jealousy (or anger, or fear, or self-consciousness). Look at it more like a man with a heroine addiction (and not only that, but he doesn’t think it’s a big deal).

    See, men don’t make the connection between porn-watching and their lower energy, lower motivation, lower testosterone, lower sex-drive, etc.

    Men look at porn like it’s outside of their life, almost like a quick pleasurable escape from the rest of his life.

    He doesn’t understand that one of the reasons he feels like he wants to escape from his life is because he “watches” porn.

    Society isn’t there yet with this discussion, but frankly if the society didn’t have any porn, we would have stronger men. That’s not going to happen though, so the question is how can your relationship take “no porn” as a point of pride?

    Well, certainly not by shaming him or shaming men! That’s one of the reasons men want to escape to porn… they feel scorned and shamed by today’s society, and porn will cater to them without criticism.

    It needs to be more like a point of pride, the way that working out is a point of pride or doing well in a career is a point of pride.

    It needs to be more like noticing how men who don’t watch porn are happier, stronger, more motivated, more fulfilled, etc.

    Ultimately, a man has to say “I want to be that man” and see porn (and all its on-ramps) as vampires that drain his best life away.

    So there you go. It’s a bit of an unusual take, but I think that perspective gets us to a constructive place on the topic.

    It comes down to what will bring out his best. And a man that watches porn isn’t moving him towards his best, it’s robbing him of it.

    #933599 Reply

    Kim

    Hi Meg. I totally understand your concern here. That being said, however you mentioned that you’re not official with this guy yet so you’re probably not in the position yet to say anything about his social media habits.

    I had a similar situation happen to me a few months ago with my husband. He created an Instagram account to follow a whole bunch of half-naked redheads. I caught him and he deleted the Instagram account after I discussed it with him. It didn’t help that I was heavily pregnant at the time. A little different to your situation since we are married, so I am in a position to say something to my husband.

    If things continue to go well between the two of you and you do become official if his online behaviour is bothering you just discuss it with him. You can do it in a way that’s not accusatory. Just express your concern. If he respects you then he’ll make the right decision afterwards.

    #933601 Reply

    Kim

    Very interesting view Eric. I think my husband has a
    porn addiction to be honest. It’s something that I only caught onto recently. I wish I had noticed things before because now I have a small baby to look after.

    As you mentioned, porn is so different to what it was in the past. It’s interactive in a way that it wasn’t before. Like you said men can develop a para-social relationship with the women that they are viewing. Men don’t even realise it. This could be my husband’s issue. I’m not sure. I have discussed his porn consumption with him a few times and all I get are lies like “I don’t know what you’re talking about” and that he can go for weeks without watching porn which is clearly not the case. Sometimes he can’t even go a few hours without searching for naked women on the internet. To be clear I don’t have an issue with my husband watching porn occasionally like once a day even, but my husband watches much more than that. To the point where from the outside looking in it looks like a porn addiction.

    It makes me feel like I’m not enough for him and he’s trying to look for someone that looks better. I should ask him if it’s ok if I emulate his behaviour online? I’m going to ask him if it’s ok if I spend every spare second on the internet looking for pictures of naked men. How would he feel if he saw I was doing that? I don’t want to be one of those wives that spies on her husband but if I’m not being told the truth what other choice do I have? He just hides it better from me now by using DuckDuckGo. I just hope that it hasn’t escalated to talking to cam girls or subscribing to women on OnlyFans because I consider that to be cheating.

    #933616 Reply

    Eric Charles
    Keymaster

    Kim – Wait.

    I should back off the para-social aspect of porn because it evokes a nightmare image and frankly, it’s unhelpful in being able to see this clearly and impersonally.

    First off, I highly doubt the parasocial aspects of porn are present in what you’re describing. He has a family, he’s not a social recluse living in prolonged isolation. Essentially, social media porn has an angle to hook into a man’s loneliness from social rejection, alienation and isolation. I don’t think that applies at all here.

    Next let’s talk about his porn consumption itself.

    I know this is going to sound weird, but for a man, sex and love have nothing to do with each other. And porn and love definitely have nothing to do with each other.

    Love and his desire to commit have nothing to do with sex for him. Nothing.

    Between being able to pay for sex, replace sex with porn or get sex more easily than ever in today’s social norms, sex is not the reason men commit. It’s just not.

    When a man falls in love and wants to commit to a woman, it has to do with his life and how she connects with who he really is.

    So as far as the porn goes, it’s a tremendous mistake to look at porn like it’s other women competing to steal your man away. He’s not looking at them with a lens of love, he doesn’t view them as dating options.

    It’s more like men live with the blessing and curse of their sex drive, and they do what they got to do to get by in this life.

    I’m not saying that’s the full truth of it. I’m not saying that it’s how it looks to you on the outside. I’m saying that’s how it feels to a guy.

    Now the tricky part here is how you discuss it with him.

    It’s a big problem if it becomes a source of shame in the relationship. Porn and shame have always gone hand and hand, ever since the first time he ever saw it.

    Porn is associated with hiding it away to look at it in private.

    If his porn viewing becomes a point of conflict in the marriage, then it takes on a whole new life as a bigger problem than it needs to be.

    I wish you could step into a man’s body and feel just how separate love and sex are for a man.

    When a woman starts talking about porn like it’s a relationship problem and feels like cheating on her, the guy feels like he’s “in trouble” in the relationship, but he also feels she “doesn’t get him” or “get it” on a deeper level.

    Ultimately the issue with porn (as I see it) isn’t that it’s a type of infidelity in the relationship. I don’t see it that way and I don’t think it’s useful to see it that way.

    My issue with porn is that it drains away a man’s motivation, inspiration and potency as a man.

    Porn and jacking off reduces a man to a lesser version of himself. I suspect that porn consumption and depression are related for men, too.

    I say porn consumption, but that always equates to jacking off. I suspect there’s a real cost to it, and I think that cost is downplayed (to the benefit of that industry and detriment of men).

    My point is that if you’re going to discuss it at all with a man, it cannot be from a place of shaming him, scolding him or punishing him like he did something wrong.

    I’m not an expert in how you would talk about something like that. I just know that if you make it a point of scolding, punishing or shaming, it will have disastrous results. Not only will he not stop, but it will drive a wedge into your relationship.

    A great relationship is great because of the acceptance, understanding and willingness to receive him (even with all his imperfections, weaknesses and failures).

    Men don’t view porn as a problem. Men view porn as a quick and easy way to cope with the stresses of life in a world that doesn’t understand men or the male experience.

    The argument against porn is an argument towards a man living as his best self. But the appeal of that argument only resonates with maybe 1% of men. And even then, nobody is superhuman, nobody is perfect.

    Frankly, everyone is trying their best in life. The only difference between those who outwardly show success versus those who don’t is if they’re able to find that magic place inside themselves, where inspiration, focus and meaningful action combine long enough to deliver results.

    That is the value of a great relationship. Not to be yet another point of defeat, shame or failure, but to be the greatest source of support, meaning and inspiration for each person. If the aim of both people is to create that kind of relationship, then that will guide your actions well.

    Don’t make it about him or what he’s doing wrong. Aim for what’s good for the relationship. And what’s good for his inspiration, focus and sense of purpose is good for the relationship.

    I don’t know what would talk a man out of watching porn, but I can tell you that shaming, scolding or punishing him definitely isn’t it!

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by  Eric Charles.
    #933638 Reply

    Rubi

    Frankly all guys do this. Some do it loud some do it lowkey. This is the purpose of social media these days anyways. And this is why he doesn’t want you to post anything of that nature because he knows other guys will be looking at you. I have a guy friend told me how some guys will even save/screenshot these pics. They even have group chats where they discuss these girls (those that they know). I wish I never knew about this piece of info because it’s scary. And yes they admire and fantasize about these women but they are not positive things. They are women they would love to have sex with given the chance but not be in a relationship with. I got these facts from guy friends.

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