This topic contains 12 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Hailey 1 month, 1 week ago.
May 24, 2020 at 10:45 am #791473
I’ve been going out with this guy since January, we always had amazing dates and conversations and even during quarantine we’re still in touch but I’ve always thought a bit suspicious that he never introduced me to any of his friends and even though he gives me attention and seems to like me, he seems to try to keep me within an arms distance and never makes plans for the future. So yesterday I’ve questioned him about that and he said that he wants to keep seeing me, but he does not want a relationship right now. Does that mean he doesn’t want a relationship with me especifically or he’s just emotionally unavailable? I’m not sure if I want to stick around because even though he might change his mind and decides he wants to be with me, he can also keep me until he finds his one true love. Yikes.
Should I cut him off now or do I still have a chance?May 24, 2020 at 11:59 am #791474
Harsh time so you get it. He was clear. There will be no relationship. It does not matter if he is unavailable or he does not want you. Not sure why you care about that. They are the same for you. The reality is he does not want you. There is no chance. Walk away kindly with your head high. Never again date a man for 6 months in a state of flux. Only do that for 3 months absolutely longest.May 24, 2020 at 3:13 pm #791477
Did you ever see where this man lived, go to his home?
You mentioned great dates but not meeting anyone in his life. I’m assuming sex was involved during this time?
Did he ever mention what type of relationship he was looking for? Did he just get out of one?
For all you know, this man could have been married or otherwise attached all this time.
In any event, I would have been asking myself all of the above questions very early on, not after 4 months later.May 24, 2020 at 5:01 pm #791478
Specifically or just with you it doesn’t make a difference – he doesn’t want a relationship. Its hard and hurtful. Its normal to feel hope and that hanging in there might see him change his mind but that rarely ever happens.
You should walk away now, he has had the decency to be honest when you asked him and staying will only prolong the pain. You don’t have to leave in anger, you just have to leave because the situation isn’t going to change. Its a ‘him’ problem not a ‘you’ problem. Nothing you could have done its just how he feels.
Be glad you know now and you can move on, heal and find a man that loves you and is willing to commit xxMay 25, 2020 at 10:13 am #791489
The best thing to do is walk away expecting that nothing more than what you had will be all that you will ever get, and its OK, as its life’s way of saying you aren’t right or meant to be together.
It is very very RARE that a man will come back for a relationship. I’m over 50, and only experienced it a few times where out of the few only TWO ended up being long-term, whereas the others didn’t pan out, and its OK because it opened the door for me to meet the man I was suppose to be with.
Of the two that did, I Married one (lasted over 20 years); and now in a long-term relationship with the second, for over three years and still going strong.
Here’s the thing. I walked away from both of these men, primarily due to distance, and never expected to see or be with them ever again. They were the one’s who came back, and then had to PROVE to me they weren’t yanking my chain, were being authentic, honest and true to not only themselves but to me. They had to step up to the plate and hit it out of the ball park or they would have been kicked off the field in a heartbeat.
Never let a man decide your fate. Always be in charge of your life or you’ll miss out on the opportunity of meeting the right guy if you keep hanging onto the wrong ones. Getting into a relationship should never be your main goal. Meeting a man who falls in love with you, professes it, and treats you super well should be *the goal* because a relationship will naturally/organically flow from there, and you don’t have to do anything but be true to yourself by not accepting anything less than what you need, want and deserve :o)May 25, 2020 at 10:48 am #791490
T from NY
This sucks when this happens. It hurts. I’m glad he was honest with you. You deserve to be with someone who wants a relationship, as well as wants to be in a relationship with YOU. Take some time to grieve what you hoped might be and tend to you. You will be OK.
Take heart you don’t allow him to hang about and be casual with you, as your heart would be much worse if you allow that.May 25, 2020 at 10:56 pm #791514
He is telling you loud and clear:
– he keeps you emotinally at arms length
– he won’t introduce you to the people in his life (does he have a GF? Cos this is a red flag unless you’ve been dating only a short time)
– he says he is not ready for a relationship right now.
– never makes plans as in dates? Marriage? Cos there are sensible plans and then there’s just silly. No man you’re dating can make longterm plans unless he has no intention to deliver.
He is not interested in a relationship with you right now. In fact, he gives you no indication he wants a relationship, at all, EVER. You are probably right – he may just want to keep his bed warm until a woman comes along that he does want to date. Unless all you want is a FWB, you let this one go, or you will waste your time. He was honest with you and told you he can’t give you what you want right now – and there will never be any guarantee that he can. Is that a risk you’re willing to take?
FWIW I’ve had guys say they aren’t ready to call what we had a relationship *yet* when we first had the DTR, where it progressed to the real deal, but they never denied they wanted a relationship, and they backed that with exclusivity, incorporating me fully into their social lives – everything but the title, which soon followed. Their actions matched their words and it turned out that their idea of a relationship is something more serious than mine. But in general it’s important to be wary – and I was guarded that if things didn’t progress, I wasn’t hanging around for long in case they eventually put a title on it.May 26, 2020 at 12:53 pm #791557
Your question is should you cut him off now or do you still have a chance. Nope. No chance. Cut him off now would be the best thing you could do for yourself. You can walk away with your dignity and with grace.
Look at it this way: He gave you a gift. He was very honest about what he wants and that is not a relationship with you. You now have a perfect opportunity to stick to your own wants and needs and walk away to free up yourself and your heart to find someone who DOES want what you want. When you find that someone, you will see how much more satisfying it is to be with someone on the same page.
I hope you make the best choice. Good luck to you!May 26, 2020 at 4:42 pm #791571
You were played. He didn’t outright lie, but he lied by omission. He should have told you upfront, from the very beginning, that he wasn’t going to ever be interested in a relationship with you. He thoroughly enjoyed what you brought to the table (companionship, sex, etc…) knowing full well most women hope a relationship will be forthcoming at some point. He knew that even if HE didn’t bring up having a relationship, at some point YOU would notice things aren’t progressing and ask him about it–at which point he could bow out. Like I said, you got played. Wise up.May 27, 2020 at 9:02 am #791594
I am currently in same situation.. Just currently i am only know him for 2 months.. So i will make it to 3 months then i will decide whether I should cut him off or not.. He always make a joke about want to date my friends or want to match me with his friends.. When he is obviously know I am interested in him.. And when I flirt with him..he will pulled back.. But he can flirts with me.. Like seriously.. I really don’t understand men.. Do I bring played by him? Please tell meMay 27, 2020 at 9:43 am #791595
Please cut it off now. Nothing will change in a month and no man who jokes about dating your friends or dating other people will come around.
You do understand men, you just don’t leave when a man is not showing that he will give you what you want.May 27, 2020 at 11:03 am #791597
Any man who will not commit to you and lock you down into a relationship? Is not a guy to be with.
A man who wants, loves, respects and care for you? Will lock you down, make you his gf & you will be introduced to his life, meet his friends and family etc.
Men who want to hide they are seeing a girl, or will not go fully exclusive? Are not investing long term into you.May 28, 2020 at 10:59 am #791644
Thank you so much for all the advice and support! I’ve decided to move along and away from this one, but to answer some of your questions. Yes, I did see his apartment and met his housemates. When I’ve mentioned that he never introduced me to anyway I meant his friends or family, he only introduced people he had to because they live together, but he didn’t invite me for his birthday party with his friends back in February, for example.