He cannot give me what i want


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This topic contains 15 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Lane 1 month ago.

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  • #847947 Reply

    Girl-needs

    broke up with my ex last year primarily bec he said he can’t give me marriage & kids at the moment. It might come in the future but can’t promise anything. We’re both on our late 30s so broke up with him as it is something i wanted. After the break up, i realised, although he treated me well during the relationship, i know that we’re also very different in many ways so I would say I don’t want to get married with someone i’m unsure anyway.
    After a few months, we got re-connected again recently and was able to talk about things, him not sure about marriage..me not sure about him about marriage too…BUT the feelings still so strong for the both of us. And yes, became intimate again…the connection is still very strong for the both of us. He told me wants to be in relationship with me if I’m ok with that…I still like him so much but struggling if I continue with him, I might not be able to find the man who can give me what i want…thoughts?

    #847958 Reply

    Sophia

    You’ve reconnected but his stance hasn’t changed. And in fact, the break up gave you some perspective and a realization that your differences may make you incompatible for such a big commitment.

    If you continue with him you will be wasting your time. Better to put your efforts into finding a man who can give you what you want that you’re more aligned with, than treading water with him.

    #847964 Reply

    Maddie

    Someone not knowing how they feel in their late 30s is a bad sign. He’s most likely to be a time waster, and you don’t have that time if you’re serious about wanting to start a family. Don’t waste that time with someone who doesn’t want what you want on the same timeline. Unless you’re open to adoption, following feelings here will lead to resentment if and when your window to start a family closes and he’s still dragging his feet. You’re not actually okay with being in a relationship with him or you wouldn’t have broken up with him in the first place, and nothing has actually changed since then… he hasn’t offered you anything different now. Don’t let loneliness drive you back into a situation that’s a distraction if family planning with the right partner is really your goal. Other men are still out there looking for what you want.

    #847987 Reply

    T from NY

    Many times doing the RIGHT thing for yourself IS the HARDEST thing to do. People think they shouldn’t be in pain if they’re making the best decisions for themselves. Nothing is further from the truth. Sometimes making a decision that HONORS who you are, and what you truly desire, is excruciating.

    Life is short. Unless you feel your love for this man overrides your desire for future marriage and children – you should deeply consider moving on and closing that door forever. Because he is telling you HIS truth. It’s time you figure out and listen to what is yours.

    #848000 Reply

    Queenie

    I think you received some excellent advice above and I agree with what was said.
    A close friend of mine was in a long term relationship for 7 years, and they seemed very happy. They got married, bought a home, and it wasn’t until then that they discussed having children. She absolutely did not want children, and he very much wanted kids. They ended up divorced less then 2 years later. 2 years after that he married someone else, and started a family. She has an amazing career and is very happy with her life.
    It’s unfortunate that they didn’t discuss the kids aspect prior to getting married, but they are both so happy with how their lives are now, and there’s no ill will between them.
    I guess my point is, like said above, life is too short to waste your time with someone who doesn’t have the same life goals as you.

    #848018 Reply

    Newbie

    I also agree with other posters. The sad thing here is that you got back on the same path without any changes in direction. So trying over will get you nothing but the same.
    I had a good friend who had a lovely partner, 15 years older than she. He had 3 kids already, close to being grown ups. So he didnt want more kids but she did. She broke it off despite their love for each other. He came back, proposed, bought them a house and they got a son. He turned 13 this year. Thats what a man looks like who really wants their woman to stay

    #848021 Reply

    AngieBaby

    You are about to knowingly and willingly SETTLE for less than what you want, out of fear you can’t get what you really want.

    Are you really OK with that??

    #848104 Reply

    Girl-needs

    Thanks all! I know in mind i have the same thoughts as you guys its just rly hard as my heart still belongs to him. He knows that i am dating but not exclusively and so there’s also no intimacy with other guys. I made out (kissing and hugging) but no sex. He is somehow ok for me to continue dating but just no sex. As for him, he is not dating and rly just want to focus on his career.. in my mind, i know its in my advantage, still seeing and having time with him but in my gut, t doesnt sit with me as well so im just torn

    #848126 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Your post title is “he can’t give me what I want”… yet you are tempted to go along with this half-baked situation because your “heart belongs to him.” Hmmmm.

    What exactly are you hoping to gain by posting here then? What do you want us to tell you? Because you clearly know this isn’t right, but you won’t stand up and do the right thing for yourself for some reason only known to yourself.

    #848145 Reply

    Maddie

    Does he have a history of commitment problems? I expect he probably does.

    He may like you, but he wants low effort companionship and does not want a full blown relationship (wants to focus on his career and not get married and have kids any time soon). If he’s not going to respect you have a limited window to have a family and is willing to waste your time, then you’re the only one who can respect yourself. You’re not going to change his mind about what life stage he’s in.

    #848156 Reply

    Raven

    You’re torn, but are willing to tear yourself in half for a guy who can’t give you what you want…

    Go back & re-read T from NY‘s advice…

    #848238 Reply

    Elvira

    I agree with the others and do agree with TNY. If you are willing to go back and sacrifice what you want family and marriage then go ahead and try again. What confuses me is he is OK with you dating others as long as there is no sex (is that because he wants to have sex with you as a FWB?). It seems he wants you in half way and if that is what you want which I am sure you do not I would not do it. I don’t know how long you were separated for but it seems that you need to stop contact with him and let him figure out exactly what it is he wants. He knows what you want and if he isn’t willing to do commitment with marriage and kids then he should be walking away. One of you has to make the sacrifice the question is who is going to do it? Also, I know many men who say they are not interested in marriage/kids for whatever reason, however once they meet someone they truly love that all changes. Have you spoken to him why he is not interested in marriage/kids? I knew someone who stated because all marriages end in divorce so having an idea as to his reasons behind it can make you understand it better.

    #848239 Reply

    tammy

    its a tough call. it doesn’t come across that there is any chance of him changing his mind and agreeing for marriage and kids. he hasn’t even told you to wait for a year or two. he stood his ground and doesn’t want any commitment. your obviously not ok with that and that’s why you broke off. the same reason still stands. yet you allowed yourself to get involved again bec you love the man. you need to introspect and than take a call. none of us can predict the future. but it doesn’t come across that he will change his mind about commitment. your going to be heartbroken now but its worth it if you really want to have a family and your kids. think over it.

    #848241 Reply

    Newbie

    I agree with Angie baby. If your heart belongs to him (which is bs anyway, he doesnt even want it, he is ok with you dating other guys) and thats your excuse then what we do about it? Go ahead, love a man who doesnt want a real family with you until one day he probably does with someone else. There is no guarantee on being happy but every other option than staying will have a better chance at finding it

    #848359 Reply

    Ss

    To be blunt, you are in your late 30s and want kids. Time is not on your side. The longer you waste time on this guy the less likely you will get your dreams – no kids. You could maybe gamble on him changing his mind but the guy doesn’t even care if you date other men! Lose this man and find someone who can give you what you want. You are wasting precious time on a loser

    #848475 Reply

    Lane

    Like my mom always said “you make your own bed, then you have to lie in it” meaning if you make choices knowing what the consequences are, then you have to live with them and can’t blame anyone but yourself.

    Listen, this is your life and if you want to stay with a guy who doesn’t want what you want then knock yourself out. Just know that window of child-bearing is closing in and the only one who will be kicking themselves in the arse when it passes will be you. Again, your life, your choice. YOU will ultimately be the one who has to live with it, not him, nor any of us.

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