Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › He called me with confessions
- This topic has 14 replies and was last updated 3 years, 1 month ago by
Lane.
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Queenie
So it’s been a week of no contact since our last conversation. He called last night for the first time, and I didn’t answer. He texted me asking about my new puppy, asking how I’m doing etc. I sat on it a bit, then returned his call. Told him about the puppy, he said he wants to meet him, I said I definitely want him too, I just don’t know… then comes the confessions. He starts saying it’s hurting him not being able to talk or see me. He misses me and doesn’t like that the last time we talked was an awkward conversation and he’s been thinking about it for a while. He said he feels like I don’t trust him, and that bothers him. I wasn’t saying anything, just listening. He said he was not expecting to feel this way, that he’s spent a lot of time thinking about it, he doesn’t want another woman, has no interest in looking for anything with anyone else. He’s not really had a real relationship, but he knows he wants to spend time with me, he just has no serious experience. He said he knows I want something more serious and he wants to try to something, slow. It upsets him feeling like I didn’t trust him, and he wants me to trust him. He said he will understand if his pace isn’t what I want, but it will hurt him to lose me.
Wow.
I sat silent for a minute. I was NOT expecting that. At. All.
Eventually I said, I would need time to think. And I appreciated him being so open with me. That I do not want to rush anything either, as my experience has taught me that typically rushing doesn’t end well. So I can appreciate moving slowly. I said we could start by, going on dates, during the week occasionally. Spending a little more time together, not just every other weekend (I don’t have the kids every Tu/Th). He said “ok! Well I have a big day Wednesday, so I can’t Tuesday, maybe Thursday?”
I said, “ok, yea maybe, let me think, and we’ll talk more later this weekend.”I’m still kinda in shock and rumination.
You have been through this journey with me, supporting me, and offering advice, which I am so grateful for.
Thank you for listening, I’m still so bewildered by it all.
Anon
It’s good he reached out to you. However, he didn’t explicitly say he’s looking for a serious and committed relationship. He also twisted things around to say it hurts him that you don’t trust him. Trust him to do what? I don’t like when men do that. Somehow it’s your fault that he won’t look at this as a serious relationship when you told him that’s what you want and he said he wants to keep it casual. How has anything changed with what he just said?
I would say to him, “thanks for reaching out and you’re right- I don’t trust that you want a serious committed relationship and that is what I want before I pursue anything further with you.” You’ve seen him for a year, he knows you and he knows what he’s willing to do in this relationship or not. I would still give it more time, do not see him this week. He misses the companionship and sex. I don’t think he’s interested in a committed relationship and that’s what you want and deserve.Anon
Another thing- you can’t not rush into things when you already have- you’ve been having sex. Are you going to take sex off the table? He’s either all in moving this forward or out.
Tallspicy
Oh here is goes again. I am going to be brutal so you get it. So please forgive me.
THIS MAN HAS NO CAPABILITY TO BE IN A REAL RELATIONSHIP! He misses you? Of course he does, you are missable and have been available with no strings attached for a long time – he is not a robot. He still never said – I WANT TO MAKE YOU MY GIRLFRIEND.
GOING SLOWLY? How much slower does he need? Oh, f-ing please. You have been engaging for a year. How much more of a glacial pace? Men who marry you generally know within 8-12 weeks if they want to be your boyfriend and act and talk that way quickly. Men who are open to marrying you, know within a year – not with an engagement, but know if a life with you is something they want and can envision.
He told you flat out again… I am ok with losing you AND WE NEED TO GO AT MY PACE, you have no say in that.
This is a darn grown man. not a child. I suggest that you only move forward if the following things are true:
A. You are now his girlfriend in title and behavior
B. He gets some fricking therapy. He is a hot mess.
D. You tell him very clearly what you want – in the short term, medium term, and long term so that this is always in the forefront. He gets a month to be able to articulate the same.I suggest you are as unavailable as him. No healthy person would engage with this malarky and manchild.
I do not say this to be disparaging, but I can tell you – most women who clean up a man – clean them up for the next woman and get dumped because they tolerated crap and taught them to be better.
You are not a therapist. He needs to want to do a lot of work on why and what and it cannot be you who does that for him.
Tallspicy
And I agree with the sex thing. NO SEX UNTIL YOU ARE A GIRLFRIEND – IN ACTION AND WORDS
Tallspicy
HE HAS TO GO TO THERAPY. I am so frustrated right now and I hope you have girlfriends who give you the same tough love.
T from NY
This is so disappointing. He literally said nothing that should make you think he wants a real relationship. He offered no commitment, only sexual exclusivity. And you’ve known each other and spent so much time together – what is there to move slowly about?!?! “Move slowly” is manspeak for – ‘Don’t have expectations of me’. He already hesitated about Tuesday and said “maybe” Thursday. End of the day you get to be in whatever kind of relationship you want. If you, as a mother, want to be with a grown man who says he’s never had a ‘real’ relationship before, is hesitant, and commitment-avoidant – godspeed. I believe the day will come, in the future, when you realize the only thing good enough for you is a man who is wholly in, enthusiastic and doesn’t whine about being afraid.
Liz Lemon
I have to agree with the others. This guy was totally fine with your situationship until you cut him off. Now he misses the sex and companionship. Of course he does!
He didn’t say anything concrete about wanting a serious committed relationship. I don’t see why you need more time, or to take things slow. You’ve been fooling around on and off for a year, he should know by now whether he wants a relationship with you or not. Tallspicy is spot on that men who want to be boyfriends step into that role & act like it within a few months.
And it’s very distasteful that he turned it around on you & made it about your supposed lack of trust in him. That was not the issue at all, the issue was that you wanted a serious relationship and he didn’t. It was nothing to do with trust, and it’s manipulative of him to try to make you feel guilty in that way.
I also think it’s a red flag that a 40 year old man has no “serious” relationship experience.
In my opinion you should think carefully about entertaining this guy at all. I don’t think this guy woke up after a week and is a totally new person. He’s the same guy. He has issues, and it takes more than a week to work through your issues. I think he’s just missing the sex/companionship.
Queenie
I agree with you all, and admittedly, I’m kind of irritated about the conversation. Because it feels selfish on his part. I know I was being a bit too nice throughout it, and I’m in no way excited about what he said.
Over the week I’ve thought about it too, and I don’t want my headspace taken up by someone who has repeatedly told me, in so many words, he cannot give me what I want, sh*t, what I deserve. So I think seeing him, or talking to him as frequently as we did, is no good for me.
For now, I think I’ll just let his calls go to voicemail while I continue soul searching, so to speak, and enjoy the joys I already have. <3Anon
Good call on your part- do not even respond or call him. You should never be reaching out to him, he should be making all the effort anyways- not confirming a date- omg. If he followed up and called/texted- I found a great restaurant we could try on Thursday- that would show some tiny effort. One way to get to his real goal in contacting you is to say- I’ll agree to talk and see you but sex is off the table and not happening until we are in a committed bf-gf relationship. You’d never hear from him again. Agree with the poster that he has changed in one week- no way.
Tallspicy
Still either people pleasing or unwilling to let go. Tell him no and that you will call him if and when you have moved on.
Maddie
Good for you for seeing through it and prioritizing yourself, Queenie. Him saying what he said was selfish! Because he’s still not taking responsibility, he’s just reacting to his own feelings feeling bad. I agree with all the other posters.
And his lack of wanting serious commitment has NOTHING to do with you or his feelings for you, it definitely has to do with him needing therapy. He’s not going to change until he’s in enough pain, and he reaches the point that change becomes less painful than staying the same. You don’t know what that threshold is for him, and you enabling him and being his security blanket so he doesn’t truly need to deal with his issues will waste your time further. He won’t feel motivated to change (because, why?, he still has the good parts of your relationship available without a serious commitment) and you won’t have anything deeper or more secure than what he’s given you for the last year.
This is an example of when a guy comes back but he’s still obviously not ready and it’s not good enough. He needs to try again after months of healing work, offering you real dates and commitment upfront, and then showing you his words and actions totally match over several weeks or months after he returns. And even then, it’s only if you still happen to be available and want to pursue that with him. Maybe you won’t!
I really like what Anon suggested too, because it’s the heart of the trust issue: “thanks for reaching out and you’re right- I don’t trust that you want a serious committed relationship and that is what I want before I pursue anything further with you.” It’s not that you don’t trust him as a person, but you rightfully don’t trust him as a partner based on a year of experience and even his own words!
tammy
like the fact that your now thinking straight and prioritizing yourslf. i am not sure whether you should meet him so soon queenie, it might undo all the work you have done on self. plus i doubt whether he has had enuf time to do extensive soul searching. i gues him reaching out to you was just a gut reaction which evolved bec he was missing you and realizing that you actually may be gone forever. its gud that he reached out, that’s a start. but this needs much more time and you need to hold back and exercise restraint this time. any kind of meeting has to be in formal surroundings. and pls no sex.
Debsterism
This guy is a narcissist. Everything is about him, what he wants, what he feels, what he likes. Block him so he can’t waste your time in the future with this whining manipulative drivel. The only thing you should be thinking about is what fun you’ll be having with other men starting today.
Lane
You are clearly ready to throw some training wheels on this fella. Your life, your choice but you are still in the exact same position, and can’t even see it, because you are too blinded by this unrequited love scenario you’ve gotten yourself into.
If its not a HELL YES, then its a HELL NO! His answers were anything but a HELL YES, so not sure why you’re so blown away? You didn’t even move an inch; other than adding a day or two to spend together, which will undoubtedly end in you know what.
The two of you are addicted to each other in different ways. His words were not of a man who has the same feelings, you do, or he would have naturally said “I love you” and been your BF a long time ago v. you having to drag him there, by the hair.
You are using emotional manipulation, by essentially giving him an ‘ultimatum’ to wit, he answered it by giving you nothing but empty words backed up by a lot of ‘warnings’ which is by dragging it out until you eventually get fed up, and stop taking your drug (him).
Its become a game of poker—two very different hands with both of you holding onto the Ace. Wonder which one will throw the Ace down first? That’s what I want see since you, and he, clearly enjoy playing this game so much.
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