Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › He asked me to lend him money-red flag or normal?
- This topic has 15 replies and was last updated 4 years, 3 months ago by
T from NY.
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Bala
I met this guy online, and we have been dating exclusively for 3 months. We are both in our 40s, divorced with kids. He was pushing to be exclusive pretty fast, like in 2-3 weeks, and was into me from the start, so was I.
He is nice person but got financial issues. He has a good paying job, but the money he makes is not enough to keep up with 2 ex wives and four children, recent bankruptcy, and no personal place to live (he lives in the basement of his first house, where his first ex wife and kids live). Anyway, I knew he is going through rough times, but never in a million years would imagine he would ask me to loan him money. He just called me up and asked for a few hundred dollars, just for a couple of weeks until he is able to pay it back. Initially I was shocked by his request, I thought a girlfriend of 3 months would be the last resort for this type of request…if ever. I personally would never lower myself to that level. I would ask family or friends first. On the other hand, maybe he is just so comfortable with me that he didn’t think there was anything strange about it. He knows I am financially secure.
Also, he has been paying for me at the restaurants and such, I payed for a few things as well, but he paid for most of it. Also, to add to this financial question…we went on a brief vacay and he made it clear I had to pay for myself 100%. There are lots of different opinions about it as well…
Can I get your opinions please?cupcake
Please don’t! this is a MJOR red flag! Why would he even suggest going on a trip when he is so stripped for money? If i were you i would pull right back and tell him to sort out his finances.
Paige
1) Watch Judge Judy and learn from all the girls/women who are suing their ex-boyfriends in an attempt to get back the money they let the guys borrow from them.
2) If you’re still tempted to give him the money, give it to him with no expectation of getting it back.
I sent my little sister $300 because she needed dental work and couldn’t afford it. She kept saying, “I appreciate this so much. I’ll pay you back! I’ll pay you back!”
I told her that she doesn’t have to worry about paying me back. I wouldn’t have loaned her the money if I needed to get it back.
Hopefully, within those two frameworks, you’ll find your answer.
kaye
NO WAY!! Absolutely not!! You should be shocked by his request! Are you seriously okay with dating a guy who has just filed bankruptcy and is homeless and lives in the basement with his FIRST ex wife and kids? But also has another ex wife with kids he pays for? This man has a ton of baggage and it’s not all cute and matching!
Find a man in his 40’s who isn’t such a financial train wreck!!!
Bala
My response to him was that I would loan him a portion of it, and that’s all. I figured I could live with it if I never get it back. It would be a $200 lesson :)
he eventually didn’t take my money and got it from his sister. My question is more about what it tells me about his character. maybe a man can only ask a woman for money if he doesn’t care about her that much, meaning he is not afraid of what she might think about him after such request?Raven
He lives in his ex-wife’s basement?!
LaFrance Thibodeaux
Do a promissory note..
Khadija
I’m sorry but asking for the money is the only the tip of the iceberg.
You are dating a man with two ex wives, is homeless, and can’t manage his money.
Please re-read our post.That’s why too much baggage.
You’re worried about the wrong things my dear.
Good luck with this one.
Newbie
Seriously? This isnt even about the loan but this guy shows zero responsibility towards his finances. He shouldnt have even dated you and pay for dinners but sorted out his payments to exes and HIS kids. And now he is going on a trip being bankrupt and homeless. Lol no wonder he asked for being exclusive so fast
Liz Lemon
Khadija is right, you’re worrying about the wrong things. Who cares whether him asking you for money means he doesn’t care about you? The fact that he was shameless enough to ask you for money tells you everything you need to know about his character.
You shouldn’t be worrying about his feelings for you at this point. You should be cutting him loose and moving on.
The other people in this thread have made excellent points. He’s in his 40s, bankrupt, homeless, with 2 ex wives and 4 kids, and shows no financial responsibility. Why would you even want to date this guy?! Honestly if I were you I’d be wondering if he were only into me because I’m financially secure. Newbie has a point that that may be the reason he pushed for exclusivity. The guy is a wreck.
Lane
Never loan money you can’t afford to lose! If you can afford to lose it, then give it, if not, then don’t. If you do, get in in writing with the terms which includes the amount and time it needs to be paid back, that way you can at least take him to court if it falls apart.
I have never had a BF ask me for $$$ because I wouldn’t date a man who’s so broke he needs to ask a lady he barely knows. Bet you 10 – 1 he’s used up all his people (family, friends, etc.) and you’re just one of many he’s asked. Not someone I would hook my wagon too—way toooo much baggage.
Ames
If he needs a loan why can’t he go to a bank? Oh nevermind hes bankrupt..is he also unemployed? Why is he even dating? Lemme guess to find a poor soul to take advantage of..Run for the hills as fast as you can. Block him (if he has a phone which is doubtful). And consider investing in a self help book on improving your self worth. This guy mighswell be waving a giant red flag in front of your face. And you’re blind..you’ll never get your $ back.
Bala
I agree, improving my self worth is what I should be doing. I don’t even know why I was ready to accept all this baggage that comes with him. The thing is I was married to a very wealthy guy, but he wasn’t the good person in my opinion. I divorced him and decided to look past the financial aspect and just focus on the person and his personality. Money should not define the person. We all have our flaws, and maybe his flaw is that he doesn’t know how to manage his money. It doesn’t mean his a bad person. My ex husband managed his money beautifully, but he was a jerk to everyone around him.
I think this guy is just my rebound to see the opposite of my ex.Warasen
Bala, I agree that a person that has money doesn’t mean he’s a good person and vice versa. I don’t know this guy’s financial situation but he might have already tapped into his financial support system in the past and reached out to you because he felt a connection. I don’t think it necessarily reflects poorly on the guy asking you for a loan.
I think you did the right thing and offered to loan him some of the money. If he took it and paid you back in a timely manner that would be a good reflection on him.
Overall his history isn’t that great. 2 ex-wives and 4 kids he can barely support and he’s paying for most of your dates. That’s not a good indicator of financial responsibility. Even though you didn’t ask you seem to imply that he’s rushing things. Don’t let him rush you into something you’re not comfortable with.
kaye
I totally agree with you that money doesn’t define a person. And I also agree you should look past that and find a good, decent person. We’re not saying he’s a bad person because he can’t manage money. We’re saying he already has TWO ex wives. Do you know the story as to why he is twice divorced? Did they leave him?
And I would guess he is rushing the relationship with you and exclusivity so he can quickly bring up moving in together and he won’t be homeless! Do you really want to be with a guy who you have to pay your own way on vacations? Or who asks you for money?
I would say just 3 months in there are several red flags here and you shouldn’t be ignoring them.
T from NY
Of course money doesn’t make anyone a good person. It has almost nothing to do with a persons character. BUT making enough to fend for yourself in the world, including put a roof over your head and properly date a woman says A LOT about where a guy is at in my opinion. I would completely cut ties with a man who asked me for money after knowing each other only a few months. I wouldn’t date someone at all that lived in the basement of one of his ex’s. All of this is courting trouble. I also walked away from a relationship where the man was very wealthy – but he was an elitist, so was his family and friends and I want no part of that. I’d rather be comfortable and with authentic down to earth people then have all the money in the world. But DUDE there has to be a BAR. Having a job, a car, a place,and money for dates is my lowest bar.
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