Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Ghoster reappeared
This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Tammy 1 week, 2 days ago.
I was talking to a guy on a dating site for a couple of weeks then we moved to signal. He asked me out for the coming weekend but I was working so we agreed the following one. He wanted to chat on the phone and would ask to ring every other night for a week and a bit.
Normally I wouldn’t agree to speak on the phone before meeting but since it was me who postponed the date I felt like I should and we got on really well. Then about a week before we were supposed to meet he text me one morning, something benign about his lunch and asking how my day was going and then just disappeared. I could see he hadn’t opened my reply though he did go online the following day but didn’t use the app again after that. Initially I actually wondered if he’d just not got my message since it came completely out of the blue and sent another a couple of days later just to ask how his weekend was but again didn’t open it (and wasn’t using the app at that point) so I figured he’d ghosted.
We’d been getting on really well, we’re both professional people in our early thirties and I’m confident I don’t come across as someone who’ll go ballistic if a person I’m chatting to says they’re no longer interested so I’d have expected even if he’d changed his mind he would have just said. I do think people disappearing in the messaging stage is fair enough in OLD but since we’d spoken for an hour or two on the phone on 4 occasions and agreed to meet it was really jarring and embarrassingly made me feel quite sad (I think partly because I’d felt like my own judgement of the situation had been so wrong). I took a break from OLD for a couple of weeks and then when I felt more normal I did start talking to a few other guys. On paper they didn’t seem as good a fit (he ticked a lot of boxes) so I still had some regret that it had gone the way it had but accepted that’s life and it was entirely possible he wasn’t who he said he was anyway.
Then three weeks after he disappeared he sent me a message on the first site to say his mum had been in a serious traffic accident and he’d been dealing with it really badly. He did apologise for disappearing and said he knew it was really not on to not have told me he couldn’t talk but he’d been a mess. He said he didn’t expect me to reply just wanted me to know that it wasn’t that he’d gone off me. I said I hoped they were both ok, he said she’s improving but very slowly and it sounded like it was still taking quite a toll on him. I said not to worry, I had my fingers crossed for them and we could chat again if he ever felt up to it. He said he thought it might be a little while before he was but then asked if I’d met anyone else yet. I said (truthfully) I was talking to people but I wasn’t dating anyone just yet and he then started making small talk, told me he felt a bit jealous I was getting to know other people, wanted to know my evening plans. When I told him what I was doing wanted to know if it was a date.
I just wanted everyone’s input. I do realise that a) the story about his mum might not actually be true though since it was such a sudden disappearance and he wasn’t using the app the whole time I find it somewhat credible. Also that b) it’s a huge red flag that he disappeared for so long (I get a little while but 3 weeks without taking a few moments just to say sorry I need some space etc seems excessive. But then if the story is true it’s a fairly extreme example and I thought maybe not a complete dealbreaker since we hadn’t met at that point. Him asking about other guys makes me feel quite unpleasant, I don’t want to make him feel worse (or tell him off) but I also don’t think it’s any of his business and i don’t like the implication that he’d prefer I put myself on ice when he doesn’t even want to date me right now.
So, he isn’t able to reschedule you, but is jealous that you’re talking with & possibly seeing other guys, which BTW is none of his business.
Do you see how ridiculous this is?
Something very similar happened with me … We met in person though and then he did a slow fade because — which I learned after the fact — he was dealing with a medical issue and didn’t feel like I would want to date someone with medical complications. He disappeared for about 3 weeks as well and we eventually talked again — his medical issue was real.* I explained how that wasn’t a consideration in his date-worthiness. We dated for about 4 years and got married a few months ago. ;) (*it was a thing with a couple of his vertebrae in his spine; I actually helped him recover after spine surgery)
My point is his story could be true, but probably not considering he asked about other guys. It seems VERY questionable so you are right to be wary. It has a bit of a fishy smell.
I would not continue the phone calls or texting. Let him know if he wants to meet in the very near future (like this week), you’re amenable. But don’t continue the texting and phone calls — let him know that’s your dealbreaker.
Right now he’s wasting your time. Let him show up or leave so you can consider other people sincerely.
Thanks both. We haven’t texted/called since he disappeared, just exchanged a handful of messages on the dating site (it’s only been a day since he popped back up). I did wonder if it would be unkind of me to call him out in case the story about his mum is true so it’s useful to hear that’s what you would do. I sent the last message, I didn’t ask any questions but if he replies I’ll be kind but say that I don’t think it’s very helpful for either of us to be discussing me dating other people and I’m open to chatting again but only when he’s open to dating.
I think you’re right and it is quite fishy, I suppose I just wanted to believe it. I did add a new picture on my account which got a bit of attention a couple of days before he reached out and I guess that might be why.
I wouldn’t call him out. As mama said, it might be true, you just don’t know. You’ve put the ball in his court by saying he should reach out to you if he’s ready to seriously meet and get to know you in person, which was the best thing for you to do. Then, just stick to that, without the small talk and bread crumbing between. If he’s for real, he’ll come back when he’s ready. If he’s not, and it was a made up story and he’s a flake, then even if he does eventually come back and you meet, he’ll continue to be flakey (because making up something like that means you’ve got issues, and you can’t hide those forever). Either way, you didn’t waste your time worrying about him in the interim, and if you’re still available when he decides he’s ready then great, and if you’re not then also great because you met someone else who isn’t fishy.
I never found checking off boxes on paper to be helpful with internet dating. Especially, especially prior to meeting in person. The opposite is good: make sure they don’t check off any dealbreaker boxes… but otherwise, being good at the check boxes in theory is just not a reliable indicator of anything until you’ve met a few times and you know the person is who they say. Or that the person who truly does check the boxes off on paper actually clicks with you in person, too, because sometimes it works over text and on the phone and doesn’t at all translate in person.
I agree with mama. What hes saying cld be true but i get the feeling that somethings off.
Dont waste much time txting and on calls. Smthing similar happened to me. We chatted for a bit and things lukd gud on paper. But the day we fixed a meeting he sudnly msgd saying he cldnt make it since his gud frnd met wid an accident. Thn soon after wards smthing else came up due to which he wldnt be able to meet for nxt few weeks.
I felt smthing off the first time meeting got cancelled. So didnt bother much after that.. if you feel smthings off pls tread with caution. Unless he fixes a meeting and soon, dont bother.