FWB ghosted me

“It has everything to do with the “entitlement” mentality that one is OWED something just because a guy takes you out on a date”

The ghosters aren’t just going out on a date or two and ending something without notice. They are engaging with people for months. There is a difference in spending 3-4 hours with someone (2 dates) and just not hearing from them again, and spending 5 months seeing someone weekly. We all bond with people over a certain amount of face time unless you are some kind of robot.

It’s not “entitlement”- when you get rejected for a loan or fired from a job, you generally get some form of notice that it isn’t going forward. You get that piece of paper that says “hey go look for a new job or loan now, because we are done”. We aren’t left hanging and wondering for a week.

I’ve lost my job, didn’t get a prize in competition and well, never missed out on a loan. None of those came nearly as painfully as being ghosted. None of those caused anywhere near the amount of stress or damage than being rejected without notice by someone I had built a bond and been vulnerable with.

[multiple posts by this person have been deleted]

Give it up, ever hear of the words “debate” or “dialogue”? Look them up.

Anon, I’m sorry you had to experience that but yours is a RARE EXCEPTION; whereas majority of the population has never experienced that so you can’t force or expect everyone to go lock-step with your beliefs based solely on your unusual dating experience.

No news, not asking a woman on another date means the guy is no longer interested in dating her. Dating is VOLUNTARY, whereas a man is under no legal or moral obligation to keep asking a woman out if he’s no longer interested in dating her or visa versa. Man asks lady out, she doesn’t respond to his request—its a no go (ends). Man stops asking lady out…its a no go (ends).

I’m talking about PROPER DATING here—not FWB’s/casual, flings, sexing, sexting, netflixing, texting, internet/online LDR’s or all the other ‘non dating’ stuff that’s going on today. Sorry but all of that’s just craziness and if women are going date wild west style (outside of established dating norms) by dropping their panties (like Flower said) or giving their time to a man who had or has no intention of ever taking her seriously then you can’t expect or demand a higher level of civility, manners or chivalry from men.

Geez Andrea, guess youre the newest branch of the morale police here. Like we dont have enough of them already. The question had nothing to do with your responde but why a fwb suddenly fell of the radar. Im not so sure he ghosted, its just a week. But if he did, ik with junior and anon. Its FRIENDS with benefits, not just benefits. I think he will show up soon

I think it is important not to conflate two very different things in this whole “ghosting” debate.

First, there is something to be said about simply giving someone a heads up that they are not interested – by saying something like “I am not/no longer interested in seeing you”. This is the “what” in a situation and I do think that people should mention it when they are no longer interested. It requires so little effort to say it or write it and I do think it is okay to have an expectation to hear something so very basic especially when people have spent time to get to know another.

Second, there is the explanation for “why” they are not longer interested. And that one is more tricky for me because this is the one that I think people should not expect to hear. Because so often there is not reason that can be pinpointed but simply just a lack of chemistry that doesn’t need to be explained. Especially if people have only met a couple of times.

I think its’ important to distinguish between the two because while I agree with Lane that people don’t owe you an EXPLANATION, I think they do owe you a SIMPLE HEADS UP. Because there is a difference between letting people hang in limbo because they don’t know if you are simply busy for a couple of days (and yes, even a couple of days of limbo are hurtful), or letting them know that you are gone without much of an explanation (people will still think about the why but at least they can immediately work on moving on without having to worry about the other person).

I am not sure if I am explaining it all very well but I always try to provide the “what” even if I don’t give a “why”. And it worked well for me – I had a guy thank me once for telling him that I am not interested at the end of our first date. He said it feels blunt but he appreciated it so much more than me just disappearing and not answering his calls anymore. He then bought me coffee to show his appreciation, we hugged briefly, and I never spoke to him again. This was certainly a more unusual response but it wasn’t the only one like that I have had.

I am sorry to say, he probably met someone, wants to see if things would work out, and if not, he’d show up. If you don’t run after him he is likely to show up sooner. But he is NOT your friend, that was revealed very clearly.

I am sure you’d “take him back”, very few women are smart not to do that. But think hard about you. Is this what you want? This time things didn’t work out with a new girl, what about next time?

What are you in a FWB? Don;t you want a normal relationship with a man who’d be interested in you seriously? Why were you settling for this?

”

I was only looking for FWB as I am terrified of anyone getting too close. ”

Yup, I’m in the same boat and ghosting just helps that wall go up even further.

I think there are just different personality types. There are just some people who can be with someone for months and be fully OK when they disappear and there are some people who get hurt. I imagine ghosters are ok with ghosting. But it’s funny how few people would be upfront that they have ghosted if you met them and asked.

Mandy, but how having intimate affectionate encounters was going to prevent you from getting closer and not get involved. Look what happened! You did get involved anyway.

We are not computers, we can’t compartmentalize things. Not having inercourse does not exclude getting involved emotionally. On the other hand, respect and friendship exclude usury.

The thing is you can’t sit on both chairs at the same time. You end up falling down in between. Most normal people can’t do hookups like horses. So when “FWB” thing occurs it always ends up badly, at least for one party, usually for women. There are some rare exceptions to that, but most of the time, the very nature of this arrangement is cynical so you end up being caught in its cynicism one way or another.

Do not play with your feelings, foolishly thinking that intimacy without intercourse is going to make a difference and prevent you from getting close. If you can’t get close then stay single. Doing a bit of both is being in denial.

Over time, observing all these stories here, I’ve come to conclude that whenever we deviate from the old fashion traditional values of morality and ethics, we end up screwing ourselves up. Having a cake and eating it too is not possible for anyone.

And in terms of ghosting, I find it ridiculous that someone thinks it is ok to vanish without a word after being friends for a year and having intimacy for 5 months. it is more than sociopathic to say he doesn’t owe you anything” in such cases, it is sadistic. What kind of upbringing people like that had I wonder? Abuse? cruelty? lots of hardship? What leads to such an emotional and moral impairment? not to be able to understand these things and advocate them as normal.

Mandy, take it as a lesson, get yourself together, this dude will be back, unfortunately for you, because I suspect you “will take him back”. But I hope you’d think about this situation, really think about it, and it will help you in the long term. Not to play with your feelings, not to fall prey to modern traps such as FWB etc. Stay true to yourself in terms of what we all know as “right and wrong”, the old fashioned way, and it will help you.

” Being told you don’t qualify to feel hurt or disappointed because you didn’t reach the next rung on some arbitrary ladder is dismissive and most likely driven by an insecure need to feel superior by those saying it.”

This. 100% THIS.

I don’t understand the people who can see someone for 5 months and NOT develop any connection to a person. There are some women here who honestly sound completely heartless. And why would ANYONE waste 5 months spending time with someone they had zero connection with? Heck, why would you go on a second date with someone that you could easily keep at arm’s length.

Much of the advice here is how to deal with men who ARE behaving poorly. And we blame women for basically “developing feelings”, which is what happens as you date someone. The whole POINT of dating is to see if you develop feelings, and there is an obligation among both parties to at least respect the other person’s feelings (even if not reciprocated).

Long story short, dudes, stop ghosting. It hurts the vast majority of women. And the minority it doesn’t hurt are the heartless ones you don’t want to date.

We were two people who shared a lot, verbally, emotionally and physically. It wasn’t a short term hook up.

I care about people’s feelings, FWB or not. I would never ghost on someone who was in my life that long.

Although it would be uncomfortable, I would tell them I am moving on in a way that does not judge them.

I still find it unacceptable to ghost in a situation such as mine.

Fwb isn’t dating. I don’t care how you want to frame it up it’s a sexual arrangement. Men agree because it’s easy, uncomplicated, no commitment, consistent sex and companionship. They also are better able to not develop feelings and move on when they find a woman they really want to be with. The majority of women can’t do casual. They say they cannot do a real relationship, yet get themselves involved in fwb that lead to catching feelings. The OP said on the last meet up they were starting to catch real feelings, I think she was. He picked up on it and decided to end things because that wasn’t what he wanted. I don’t really understand why no sex, so I’m not even sure this qualifies as a fwb in the true sense. It also may be why the OP felt this was going somewhere, in her mind they were taking things slow, no full on sex, cuddling and talking , having coffee. Intimate. Yet this man was probably killing time, liked her, but didn’t like her enough to take it past this casual pseudo fwb. When you settle for less you get less. We can all have empathy and say how sorry we are. Five months isn’t really that long. I’ve had non sexual friends ghost on me and I’ve done the same to others. Sometimes you just want to cut ties for whatever reason and most people are selfish that way. So while the person ghosted is selfishly upset about hurt feelings. The person ghosting is selfishly just wanting out without any drama.i don’t see anyone looking at it from both perspectives. Rejection sucks, but it’s a part of life.

Mandy

I’m sorry you experienced this. To be cut off without warning is awful.

Logically, anyone can claim ghosting (or anything unpleasant) is a risk that comes with being involved with another person. Knowing the possibility that unpleasant things can happen does NOT disqualify you from having thoughts or feelings when they do happen.

I do not care if you termed it FWB. You shared experiences together. He was participating as well. To imply (or more than imply in some cases on here) his poor behavior was something you signed up for is offensive, judgmental, and wrong.

I think your post garnered such a response because all you said originally was that you were hurt and thought he should have given an explanation. You never stated he OWED you a commitment. From that, some people basically turned over rocks to find things to point fingers for why you should have expected this or offensively implied you thought a heads up from him meant you “delusionally” equated your situation with their idea of the type of “proper” relationship that deserves that form of respect as opposed to a statement regarding a lack of basic common courtesy on his part. Anyone who has been invalidated themself or has an ounce of empathy understands what that is like.

Saying you THINK he owes you the courtesy of a good-bye does not mean you can’t understand or work through the process and accept you may not get one. For people to assume otherwise is selling you short. Sure, expressing input as advice for examining what you want out of a relationship and what you can do for yourself to get that is valid. Minimizing your current situation and disregarding your feelings is not valid.

I was ghosted a few months ago. We dated for 8 months. It was not seeing each other daily or fast moving. We don’t live around the corner from each other and his children live with him so it wasn’t a case of being free whenever but I thought it was progressing. He had said shortly before disappearing about wanting to step things up and had suggested plans that went along with that. Then… he stopped initiating or responding. No arguments, no heads up, no nothing. I’m sure there would be a barrage of how I set myself up for that or should have known that was inevitable as well had I posted it. Was I hurt and confused? Yes. Did I and do I still think I deserve an explanation? Yes. Does accepting I did not get an explanation mean I think I wasn’t worth one? No. It simply means I don’t live my life centered around this. I questioned myself enough whether I missed something obvious or if I made our relationship out to be more than it was. You don’t need others to do that for you. We’re all capable of doing that just fine on our own.

I had “friends” who minimized what happened and my feelings. They gave the stock reply the reason didn’t matter but then launched into giving worst case scenarios for reasons. If reasons don’t matter why did they find it so important to supply ones that all hinged on him regarding me as some kind of joke? Gotta love when people expose their hypocrisy. I did have others who understood and listened to everything from my most pathetic moaning to fantasy revenge plots. They gave me the respect to understand I was venting to get through it and wasn’t going to act on things.

My point in telling about myself is having people use your misfortune as a way to talk down to you is not right, but it does happen. You absolutely do deserve to be treated with regard and listened to. Please do not let those who don’t (including that guy) convince you otherwise.

Emma, the world is not your playground to determine what is or what is not acceptable in society. Again, what may be wrong for you might be right for someone else and its THEIR RIGHT to live with their own code of morals and ethics, whatever those might be, and if you don’t like it then the only power and control you have is to distance yourself from or ignore those kinds of people.

Do I agree with “ghosting” of course not but I’m acutely aware that humans nor situations fall into a one size fits all box; they come with all kinds of behaviors, personalities, beliefs and reasons for doing what they do and why they do it many of which I’ll never personally understand so I’ve stopped trying to do so and have ACCEPTED that the only control I do have is with myself. I have the ultimate power to not allow others to make me feel a certain way just because THEY LACK basic courtesy, manners, etiquette or civility. This is big part of living on a planet with over 8 million unique people; whereas in the grand scheme of life its a SMALL ISSUE v. the MAJOR curveball’s that can royally mess you up, such finding out you have terminal cancer as an example.

Like Umm’s (and other aliases she uses) obsession with cyberbullying me. Its an obsessive disorder or condition that I don’t understand, have no clue or idea why someone get’s their rocks off bullying a person they never met on the internet. I’m not going to allow her to bully me and will keep on posting the way I WANT TO and let the trolls live in the gutter and that’s what the OP needs to do by disassociating herself with someone who lacks the manners or civility YOU expect or demand of those you associate with—that’s all you can really do.