Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Found out he’s married I’m horrified
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mama.
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Kara
I met a guy while I was out before Christmas. We really hit it off he said he wasn’t looking for anything serious but neither I am. He told me he’s been single for 8 months.
I got out of a LTR two years ago that was abusive and I when I met him I let myself have some fun, thinking it was a ONS and we had a great time and that was that ot so I thought. He text now and again and I just kept it cool.
He then got in touch again recently when I was out and he came to meet me and was all over me I admit the attention was nice but hit a bit of a red flag when we couldn’t go back to his place and something in my gut so I said let’s just leave it.
I couldn’t sleep and did a bit of digging and found out he is married. I’m horrified and mortified. His wife seems lovely has a blog where she talks about their lovely life and intentional living and I really don’t know whether to tell her or not her husband is despicable.
I feel so guilty eventhough I did not know at the time I’m not this person I’d never do that to anyone, I’ve been cheated on and I wish someone had told me sooner – I’d have ended things and moved on a lot faster than I did.
This man has put me in an impossible situation. Do I tell his wife and ruin her marriage it keep quiet and let her believe her marriage is fine. My friends are divided but majority think I should tell her and the teeth say not to. Funnily enough the ones that think I should tell her have been cheated on and wished they’d been told, the one who doesn’t is married and said she’d rather not know.
I’m super conflicted…. Help!
AngieBaby
This subject comes up periodically in the forum. I’ve seen people argue for telling her and people argue for leave it, not your circus not your monkeys.
He has not put you in an impossible position. You don’t have to do anything. You did nothing wrong – he lied about being single, that’s not your fault. And this is not a wrong that you are required to fix by telling her, just because you were cheated on and you think you would have wanted to know. I say think because I’ve on several occasions told my friends about their BF/hubby behaving badly and I became the villain. They really didn’t want to know. And one of them actually admitted to knowing but turning a blind eye to the cheating because she didn’t want the kids to lose growing up in a two-parent home.
I lean towards counseling people not to say anything. But for you I’d say wait a little while and if you really feel strongly that you have to say something and can anonymously get a message to the wife, then do it and let it be. You know if she confronts him he’ll have some BS explanation for the crazy woman who sent the message.
Maddie
I agree with AngieBaby, think about it and send an anonymous message if you want to tell her. It’s also possible she already knows he cheats… just because she has a blog doesn’t mean anything. If she wants to feel like an influencer and gets positive attention when writing about a “great marriage,” that is the public image she wants to project, whether or not it’s true behind the scenes.
Khadija
I’ve been in your shoes. You did nothing wrong and you don’t need to clear your conscience by telling her anything. He’s the one who has to live with cheating on this wife not you. Oftentimes women know or suspect their husband is cheating. Most don’t leave and stick it out because divorce is rough. Lastly, you never know how someone will react to this kind of news, don’t put yourself in the fire because you really can end up getting burned.
Kara
Thanks all
Honestly I’m so upset about it. The first time I allow myself to have fun after a rubbish relationship and it turned out to be like this.
I think I’m still shocked, I’m usually good at spotting red flags but he clearly had his story down and completely fooled me so I’m sure he would do the same.
I’ve kept all the messages at proof, I can send her it anonymously but I’m going to think about it for a while before I do anything drastic.
I’m trying my best to not blame myself and feel guilty because I was lied to and I’ve done nothing wrong.
Yes I think the blog is a pile of nonsense and I don’t think it’s the first time or the last time he’ll do it.
Ewa
I wouldn’t bother, because she is going to believe her husband , not you. You are a complete stranger to her and he is going to paint you in a really bad light, calling you a stalker, crazy, obsessed with him.
Just leave them be.mama
I know we all would love an update but most important is to give yourself some grace.
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