feeling betrayed

This topic contains 15 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Maddie 2 months ago.

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  • #942221 Reply



    I have been with my bf now for over a year and things are going fine, however he is relocating for work so things might get bit more complicated. Before we met he had applied for a job and because of high demand he only recently got an invitation for an interview. However it turned out that to be able to get the job he cannot have foreign spouse/partner and I am foreign…
    Previously he was talking about me moving in with him etc but now I feel like he must have known about the requirements so I am starting to feel like he used me to fill the time.
    I asked him over text last night if he knew about this rule and he said : not exactly, that he had not seen it in writing and when I asked what now , he said we will talk in person.
    The more I think about it the more I feel like he betrayed me , like he used me while he was working in my city . He keeps talking about wanting to be with me and the long distance relationship to work but I am not even sure now.
    I also know that he might not even get the job so maybe I shouldn’t think about it as much but I can’t help it.

    not sure what steps to take next? thank you

    #942222 Reply


    What’s kind of employer can dictate the nationality of one’s spouse/partner?

    This is illegal in the USA…

    #942223 Reply


    British military

    #942224 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Are you sure that’s true? Have you looked into it? I don’t see how that’s possible. I did a quick Google search and I don’t see anything that says someone in the British military can’t have a foreign spouse/partner. The only thing I found is that the partner/spouse of someone in the British armed forces is not exempt from normal immigration rules (which is understandable). But it’s not prohibited.

    #942225 Reply


    I am sure , he had a brochure but it is also online: You, your surviving parents and your spouse/partner must hold solo British citizenship and you must have continually resided in the UK for a minimum of 10 years

    #942226 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Wow, that seems extreme. Not only does his spouse/partner have to be a citizen, but his parents as well? He must be in some special forces type of thing…

    I understand your frustration. He was aware of this limitation when he applied for the job. If his career in the military is more important to him than your relationship (which it might be), there isn’t much you can do. I understand he is only interviewing, he doesn’t have the job yet, but he obviously doesn’t see you as his future wife if he is willing to take on this possibility. Sorry to be blunt, I know it’s not what you want to hear.

    He says you’ll talk in person. When will you see him?

    #942227 Reply


    Well he applied 2 years ago so I guess his circumstances were different back then but you are probably right about not seeing me in his future . If he doesn’t get this job then he will only have 3 years of service before he can retire and I think he is a bit scared of the civilian world because he still lives in the this bubble where everything is provided by the military.

    I might see him tonight if not then this weekend.

    #942228 Reply


    Hi Teresa,

    What a crazy situation.. I would never let my career dictate who I could and couldn’t be with.. but everyone is different and maybe he feels this is his only option. Either way, try not to get too worked up until your talk in person. Maybe he’ll surprise you in a good way, but either way YOU WILL BE OK.

    Sending you hugs <3

    #942229 Reply


    I know it is hard, but everything happens for a reason.

    #942230 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    OK, to be fair, you have a point…he applied for the job before you were together. And he may feel that he has to go through with the interview process since it’s been such a long time, and is obviously a selective process.

    So it’s not necessarily a reflection on his expectations of the relationship. But, obviously he will have to make some decisions moving forward, if he is offered the position. All you can do is talk to him and see what he says.

    #942231 Reply


    SOLO citizenship means you can’t hold DUAL citizenship, you must give up your citizenship claims in your original country. It doesn’t mean you can never get married to him and become a British citizen — you would have to become a citizen as well. I anecdotally from friends that the process is harder nowadays more than ever.

    You have to make some decisions for yourself: do you want to give up citizenship of your country of origin? I’d suggest you do some hard thinking of your own life without him as the point of reference. Would you make th4esr decisions about your life if he wasn’t in the picture?

    FWIW, it’s up to you if you want to. Sounds like there is a lot of putting the cart before the horse type thinking from both of you.

    #942232 Reply


    Must be for some kind of intelligence job where he needs a high security clearance. You’re taking this very personally. He used me on purpose to pass the time is a pretty extreme reaction. He applied for this job long before he met you and like others said it’s very selective so he applied a while back and was living his life when he met you. He does have a choice to make, unless you want to make the choice. Are you going to end or let it play?

    #942235 Reply


    I don’t think he “used” you. It seems more like one of those things that he wasn’t really thinking about it unless it happened and he’d deal with it later. That’s just how some people are. Not necessarily ideal if he’d never brought it up before, though. Does he tend to not share things with you and keep them to himself in general? That may be a compatibility problem.

    As he goes through this process, I think mama gave you some great questions to consider for yourself. And you need to see how he’s handling it: is he including you as it goes along, finding more out about the rules and what you’d both need to do to stay together, and is he on a time frame that he’s willing to do that (let’s say, it means you need to get married sooner than planned, are you still enough of a priority to him that he’s excited to do that?). You should be able to see how seriously he’s taking the relationship versus his career fairly quickly as he moves through the interview process, which will help you see if YOU still want there to be a future whether or not he gets the job.

    In my experience, I’ve found that the “right” men will try to solve and eliminate obstacles to the relationship as they come up, not throw more and more in the way. The ones who weren’t working with me on a team to make things easier weren’t actually serious about marriage.

    #942237 Reply


    I would not give up my citizenship , definitely not for British passport as I would not even be able to live back home if I ever wanted because of Brexit and EU passport is worth much more now than British.
    I am starting to see that he is one of those guys like Maddie said: not thinking about it until it happens as told me not to worry about it for now. Apparently he knows people who are doing this job and have foreign partners but I am not sure if this is true.

    Training for this position would not start until next summer if he was fortunate enough to get it and that training itself is a long process so I am not even sure if our relationship would survive it anyway.
    I think he is one of those guys that put his work before relationship as he volunteered to go away for 6 months which ultimately ended his previous relationship.

    I knew about his application as he was waiting to hear back for a long time, but I never knew about the requirements.

    #942239 Reply


    I would begin pulling back and try to see him as a friend as a safe haven.

    #942240 Reply


    It may turn out you just want two different things in life, and if so, that is okay. Better to find that out before you get more committed or move in together. It’s okay to reassess how you feel about the future of this relationship based on the new information you’ve learned and observing how he handles big life decisions. That’s really the point of dating when you’re looking for a serious partner, to learn enough about the other person, what they want, their values, etc. to decide if it’s the right long-long-term partner for you before committing to that!

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