Ex and I caught feelings after 4 years no contact and are both in relationship

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  • #943156 Reply


    My ex (36M) and I (35F) were together for 4 years on and off and had a very toxic relationship. We loved each other immensely, but fought all the time and brought out the very worst in each other.
    The main issue was that I needed more from him than he was able to give, since I’ve got an anxious attachment style and he’s got an avoidant attachment.
    Even though it wasn’t working, it took us both a long time before we were able to let each other go.

    We went no contact for 5 years after we broke up and deleted each other on social media as well.
    I spent the past years still being angry at him, but lately I have worked on myself a lot and that anger has lifted. Since recently I am finally able to see my own mistakes that contributed to the toxicity all those years ago.
    I decided to contact him again after all these years because I was hoping to get some type of closure since we split up in a huge fight and it still bothered me a little bit from time to time. I thought maybe having a friendly conversation might help with that.
    He was happy to hear from me and replied back in a very friendly manner.
    It’s been a month now and we have been talking nonstop and even met up twice for coffee. The chemistry between us is insane, just like it was at the very beginning when hell hadn’t broken loose yet. We both are very confused and have some kind of feelings for each other again, even though we’re both in serious relationships that we are both content with.

    I have worked hard on myself and my insecurities since then and have grown a lot. I don’t want to self sabotage by going any further with this because I realize this might be trauma love and the intense feelings are based on chaos. But these feelings seem so genuine and I keep thinking maybe this time it might actually work. I have grown a lot and became a lot more mature and a lot less anxious, which makes me think this time we might be a better fit.

    I know the best thing would be to cut all contact again, especially because I feel very bad for our partners and don’t want to cheat on them. But I just can’t resist talking to him and I think about him every second of the day. I’m afraid I’ll ruin my relationship for no reason.

    Am I being crazy or could this be true love?

    #943159 Reply


    And the toxicity and drama continues. The main reason I think that is because you are both in relationships and are considering blowing up four peoples lives. Why did you need closure? Why did you contact him really? Sounds like maybe you were bored… at least subconsciously. If you try to be together again, under these circumstances, I give it 3 months max. If you had really healed, you would have focused on your current relationship, and nothing about you two would be appealing. You would say… yes, I made mistakes, but I don’t do that anymore and nothing about this appeals to me.

    #943161 Reply


    Tallspicy is right, you get back together with this guy, changes are high it will go upside down again within 90 days. Has he indicated any interest in getting back together or is this just your own fantasy?

    You got your closure. I understand why you sought that. Now it’s time to tell him it was good to see him and it’s best if you end contact so you can both focus on the relationships you’re currently in. Or you’re going to lose the man you’re with. The case could be made right now that you are emotionally cheating on him by continuing to talk with and see your ex – and I presume your current man doesn’t know about this. You’re on a very slippery slope and you clearly know it. Get off it before something ugly happens.

    I’m curious – what is your definition of true love?

    #943162 Reply


    Chances, not changes.

    #943165 Reply


    Been there done that, things don’t change.
    The break up was your closure.

    Something about your cuurent relationship isn’t enough because if you were truly happy you wouldn’t have reached out. Really think about that.

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