Engagement and moving in issue

The potentially difficult thing about this situation is for the first six months that he’s been bringing up the future, you didn’t know each other well yet and the conversations were still theoretical. More about checking for dealbreakers and making sure you were on the same page about what you both want rather than it being “real” quite yet, so to speak. In the sense of, still enjoying the honeymoon and potential and getting to know each other before making real plans. This would make sense, because you’ve also said you’ve only spent about 6 full weeks together in person.

He may now be realizing things are getting real and panicking, or showing true colors, or (as AngieBaby said) heard your feelings as a marriage ultimatum and freaked out that you’ve only spent 6 weeks together in person, or is putting stress on himself because the way he deals with big life decisions is freak out then come around. Whichever it is, now you’re going to find out about how his follow through is in romantic relationships.

Hopefully this is just a blip and he’s not all talk and no action… but if it’s not and he’s shifting and starts putting up obstacles and excuses, you need to listen and take heed of it.

Personally, I don’t think you should start walking on eggshells around him, and I do think you should share your timeline of how you’re ideally thinking about moving forward. If he’s thinking something different now that reality is settling in, it’s better to know sooner than later. You may want to wait and not do that RIGHT right now if he’s freaking out — instead clarify that you weren’t laying down a marriage ultimatum but expressing your initial thoughts on moving, and then lean back a little and give him time to be in a better mindset to have a conversation. But if he didn’t just hear the situation as pressure and is indeed the only one putting pressure on himself, he’ll be doing it no matter what you do. And the reason to take heed is that a man who is ready for those steps should be able to maturely talk about them without accusing you of putting on pressure.

Once he is amenable to talking calmly and productively, then there’s a few things to explore with him… has he mentioned anything about a timeline he is thinking about for you moving? Would he have any interest in moving in with you first for a year or two? And would you want that? Does that fit with professional and potential home ownership situations? Then you’d have some time to be sure it works before you get married and move with him. Or maybe he’d even decide he likes where you are, and you’d have a good support network around already with family and friends nearby.

I’ll also note that I knew someone whose gf (now wife) was wildly against them moving in together before marriage. She actually *was* pressuring him and heavily, but he sincerely wanted to marry her, he just needed more time to get himself set up with career and living situation stuff. Anyway, they ended up compromising that she was willing to move in if they were engaged and working toward planning the wedding. He proposed sooner than he might have otherwise, but still did it, living together worked out, they have been married for several years. A bit of compromise may be required, but if you’re both committed to each other, want the same things long-term, and are willing to keep communication open and honest, you’ll find a way to mutually make it work.

I agree with what others have said, that 6 months is too soon to discuss engagement and marriage. You don’t know each other well enough after 6 months, even in a relationship that’s not long distance; in a LDR, it takes even longer to really know the person. As Maddie pointed out, you’ve only really spent 6 weeks together in person.

You say you’re “older”, I don’t know what that means? How old are you? Regardless of your ages, I think you’re rushing it with marriage conversation. I personally would pull back from that for another 6 months at least, and continue to get to know each other. I think you should be dating for at least a year before you discuss marriage, especially if you’re long distance, because the distance hinders you from really getting to know the person.

I was in a LDR years ago when I was younger, and we always had blissful visits; but when the guy finally moved closer and we could see each other regularly, we didn’t get along as well as we thought, and the relationship fell apart. It’s a very different dynamic to visit someone for a week than to live with them day to day. I’m not saying you can’t make it work- I’m just saying take it a bit slower.

How did you meet? Did you know each other before getting into an LDR, or did you meet online?

@Jay LDR is an abbreviation for “Long Distance Relationship”. It usually implies that the two people live far apart, and in order to meet, they need to spend a lot of time or money to get together. Hope that helps!