Dumped out of the blue


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This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Maddie 1 month ago.

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  • #919548 Reply

    Matt

    My ex gf broke things off with me completely unexpectedly last week. We started dating in May, taking things at a really nice pace. We first slept together half way through June and by the end of June we were seeing each other several times a week and talking via text on the days we weren’t.

    We went away for a weekend break in July and as we’d been seeing each other for almost 2 months now, I decided to ask her to officially be my girlfriend (wrote her a poem and everything) to which she said yes.

    In August we went from strength to strength and I started spending some time with her 1 year old son and she met my daughter who is 6, by the early part of August I felt like I was certainly in love and she’d intimated the same to me without saying those exact words. On a night out her best friend told me that she was in love and just wanted me to say it first.
    I told her the next day and she said she loved me too.

    The following week (middle of August) we kept joking about me moving into her place (I’d already had a key just in case I got back from work earlier than her and one half of her wardrobe since July) but we’d always have open and fun conversations about our future, whether the near future or decades down the line when we’d grown old.

    She kept saying I practically live there anyway. I told her she needed to ask to make it official though, so she asked me after a date night together and I said yes I’d move in gradually over the next few weeks. For the next few days or so I sensed maybe something was on her mind that she wasn’t telling me, so I approached her about the moving in question as I was thinking in my mind actually it probably is a little too soon for that and we’d been moving at a really nice and natural pace up to this point.

    We both agreed that it was too soon and I felt we were stronger as a couple going forward for both realising that and agreeing that was the case.

    We had another weekend away at the start of September and we had the best sex either of us had ever experienced and just generally a fantastic time all 3 days.

    Fast forward another week or two and we’re into September now. She had a tough day coming up (spreading of her grandparents ashes) both passed away in the last 12 months. On the morning of that day we had our first ever disagreement, something so minor it’s not even worth mentioning and we’d sorted it within 2 minutes, and seemingly left on good terms that morning. This was the first day in 4-5 months she didn’t make any contact at all throughout the day, clearly she wanted some space with having such an emotional day, so I called her about 9:30pm that night just to check in and see how she was feeling. She didn’t answer and just text to say sorry she was busy.
    I text her back to say not a problem and that I was there for her whenever she needs, goodnight, speak tomorrow etc.

    The next day still no contact after I’d text her good morning, and then about 3pm she tags me in a Facebook post that says your first @ owes you a coffee date. I replied on FB basically saying just name your time and place.
    I then text her about 4pm to ask if I could I call her after work as it would be nice to speak. She agreed that would be fine.
    On that call she started out normal as if nothing was wrong, we caught up etc. then she asked me how I was, I told her I was upset about some things and asked her if she loved me, she said she didn’t know. I asked why not and why is she feeling different all of a sudden. She gave me several different reasons which ranged from “it’s fizzling out” to “maybe we moved too fast”
    I was stunned as the relationship had been as flawless as possible and always moving in a positive direction at a seemingly natural pace to this point. We ended the conversation and I text her while driving home to say I could do with getting some clothes from hers for work tomorrow etc.
    She said she’d sort them whilst I was on the way and when I got there she had packed every single item I’d ever had at her place, including sentimental items I’d given to her throughout our relationship.

    We spoke in person and I asked why things didn’t seem right to her and why she wasn’t even willing to talk things through to save this amazing relationship we have built.
    She said the same as before “fizzled out” etc and then also said didn’t want us to descend into constant arguments like her previous relationships. We’d never argued about anything to this point, bar the very minor disagreement the day before and even joked with each other about what our first argument would be about as we just couldn’t imagine arguing together.

    When it seemed obvious she’d made up her mind I just told her I’m heartbroken and broke down in tears. Sat for a minute trying to process everything then said ok I’ll take my things and go. A day or two passed and I foolishly decided to download the app again that we met together on, to see if she was back on there. Low and behold and she has rejoined the app looking to date! Showing me I guess that the last 4 months meant nothing to her no matter how convincing she was to the contrary.

    I text her this morning to say this “I know last week you completely erased me from your life as if I never even existed. But could we perhaps meet up next week and just talk through what the hell happened? I still feel devastated by all this and I just think seeing you for some closure of sorts would help. Also I have one of (her sons) tops that got mixed in with clothes you packed. Hope you and (her son) are having a nice weekend. X

    She has agreed to meet up and that is where we are at right now.

    *It may be worth noting she has a very problematic ex who is the father to her child* long story short he tried to kill her when she was pregnant and is not allowed access to her or his son via court order. She doesn’t have contact with him other than via a lawyer/solicitor.

    #919592 Reply

    Raven

    You two dated 4 months, Her son is 1 year old-

    Sounds like a rebound relationship…

    #919642 Reply

    Maddie

    I’m sorry this happened. While Raven does have a good point, I think the problem runs even deeper than that. If she’s had several relationships that she claims all become constant arguments, and she had an ex so serious they have an infant but she couldn’t trust him at all because he’s clearly abusive AF (this is more than an afterthought to your post, it’s quite horrible!!), the likelihood of her being emotionally healthy and stable right now is pretty much slim to none.

    Someone having a very chaotic dating history, including choosing a majority lousy partners or rejecting healthier partners, often had issues growing up as well and hasn’t dealt with any of it enough to either know how to sustain or feel comfortable in good relationships. And in those cases, that means they cannot be a good long-term partner unless they do some hard work and truly want to and are ready to handle their issues. She’s got to heal from very serious abuse, just for starters. On the flip side, hoping someone will change (with no indication they desire to) and trying to get a long-term committed relationship out of someone who isn’t capable would be *you* choosing partners badly, choosing people who can’t give you what you want. Maybe you didn’t see the signs of it at first, but you know now because she told you as much.

    I don’t know your history or how healthy this relationship actually was. Sometimes all seems well as there isn’t any fighting, but that can easily mean either you’re still gliding through the honeymoon period or one or both of you isn’t communicating properly / withholds communication to try to keep things seeming smooth. It seems like you were both racing through (I’m glad you paused and talked about moving in together, especially when she has a young child as do you, 3-4 months is SO INCREDIBLY FAST) but did not actually know each other yet even though the early chemistry seemed magical. You really don’t know someone for the first several months or more, and relationships do fall apart for all sorts of reasons in the first few months. Again, end of honeymoon period and starting to get to know each other better for real and learning you’re not actually compatible, or someone having trauma and attachment style issues and not being emotionally healthy for a relationship, or at least one person being a poor communicator and not fully forthcoming about what they want and how they feel, all common reasons this can happen.

    It’s really hard, but I think the best and healthiest thing you can do for yourself is go no contact and try to accept she’s not the compatible partner you thought, even though your feelings are real and I’m sure hers were too in the moment. Feelings are a guide, though, and feelings of love or deep care or attraction do not automatically mean compatibility and that it’s the right situation, unfortunately. Hopefully she’ll one day deal with her issues (her ex situation sounds traumatizing and, again, it almost certainly runs even deeper than that), but it won’t happen on your timeline and trying to push a relationship someone isn’t capable of or ready for or perhaps simply doesn’t want is just a recipe for you extending your pain and chasing a fantasy ie settling for less than you deserve. It is a good time to reflect more on your own dating history and what you’re looking for and what you can learn, once you’ve taking some time to mourn the breakup and are in a better mindset to introspect.

    Be kind to yourself. Understanding what happened won’t stop it from all hurting, but it will eventually feel better little by little if you give yourself the space to process it and stay no contact for now (besides maybe trading your things back first and clearing physical reminders of her). Closure comes from yourself, so I don’t know how satisfying your talk will be since I don’t know if she’ll know how to give you answers (in her state, she likely doesn’t even fully understand it herself versus she did it on purpose), but good luck and I do hope you’ll go no contact for at least a while after that meeting.

    #919941 Reply

    Claws

    Some people are just so used to toxicity and you have nothing to do with it. You are a gem. A progressive relationship like that is a fantasy to a girl somewhere. I think you missed the red flags by going too fast. You know you dodged a bullet, right? I could go on and on but the main thing I would tell you is that closures are overestimated. The real closure will come from yourself.
    Dispose of her son’s t-shirt. Then text her something along the lines of…”I will not be able to see you. I don’t think I need the closure that I so much thought I needed. Best of luck”. You don’t owe her any explanations. Then go into the no-contact period so that you heal.

    #920037 Reply

    Ss

    I agree with Raven. Things moved too quickly and she wasn’t ready because she is still processing all that happened with her ex. Its a horrible experience for you but try and see this is not you having done anything wrong. She shouldn’t have future faked and messed you around.

    Her situation sounds messy so you are best off out of it!

    #920532 Reply

    Matt

    Thank you very much for all of your thoughts on the situation and words of wisdom.

    The one that resonated most was the comment on “future faking” the day before she broke things off was the first time she’d seen me a little down, due to major car problems and worrying about the cost, how I’ll get my daughter to school, get to work on time etc. She made a comment of “Well you’ve always got me and (her son) to be with you and cheer you up”
    That was quite reassuring at the time and the definition of future faking.

    Update is that we were supposed to meet tonight. But she text yesterday saying she would “let me know” as her car broke down on the way to work that day. And then this morning text me saying she couldn’t meet tonight now, along with a picture of a positive lateral flow test for Covid.
    I struggle to believe either, but especially the second reason as she had already told me that she knows a certain perfume you can spray onto a flow test to get a positive result lol.

    Bottom line is I’m going to reply saying something along the lines of “I don’t need the closure after all” etc. And wish her and her son good luck in life.

    Thanks again guys.

    #920540 Reply

    Maddie

    Oh man, what the h*ll. Good for you, Matt!

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