Doubts or am I just being silly


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This topic contains 4 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Mary 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #935543 Reply

    Lucy

    Been dating a guy briefly. He seems genuine, and just a good guy. So why am I doubting continueing things?!
    I’ve dated guys in the past who are super intense loads of red flags and I’ve jumped straight into those situations and it never really ends well.
    With this guy- things are nice, we have good conversation and common interest. I enjoy spending time with him. So why I am I doubting things. I would say at this point he is probably more into me then I am him but I’m enjoying things.and I do like him. I just can’t quite place what is holding me back.

    I feel like I do this when guys express they really like me and I find myself really overanalysing how I’m feeling. It’s like my brain is trying to focus on anything that makes me doubt pursuing things. For example I saw him today, it was really nice, but he wore an awful purple T-shirt. Why I am I even thinking about that after a really nice lunch and not thinking how nice an afternoon o had. He isn’t my ‘’normal type’ so maybe that’s what’s different for me.

    Is it normal to have doubts or is it just a sign I should stop things before I end up hurting his feelings

    #935552 Reply

    Maddie

    It doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with him or that your doubts are about him. It sounds like this is an issue with you being attracted to emotionally unavailable people, and when someone is available, it feels unfamiliar and boring instead of the excitement that comes from chaotic relationships. That doesn’t mean you should force things with him, you may not be ready for what he’s got to offer and that’s okay. But if you keep chasing down the guys who you feel intense chemistry with but who don’t want to commit, it will eventually get hurtful and tiresome if you think you’ll want a serious relationship someday. I just commented similarly to another poster, but it may help you to understand what’s going on to look into attachment styles.

    #935553 Reply

    M

    Hi Lucy

    It’s tough to say based on what you’re describing so far. Part of me wants to say, well you don’t know him very well yet, give him a chance, see how it goes…

    There’s another part of me though that says trust your instincts. I’ve had that experience before, where something feels off, but I can’t quite place what’s holding me back…

    I mean a purple t-shirt seems quite innocuous right? After all poor style doesn’t mean he’s necessarily going to turn out to be a dirtbag right….

    Except when I look back on my own experiences now, the things that I had doubts about initially? much later on turned out to be subtle indicators of major values differences.

    You’re post actually reminds me of an exact same situation where the date was nice but his t-shirt bugged me. I thought I was being too judgemental.

    Now with the benefit of hindsight, I wish I’d listened to my intuition. That style flaw could have saved me from a lifetime of misery and trauma.

    I’m not saying that’s the same in this scenario with you of course. Maybe the guys just colour-blind (many are) and despite a rubbish sense of dress, is a beautiful awesome guy inside. That could totally turn out to be true.

    That being said, if you do continue to date him, listen to your intuition if something feels off, even if you can’t quite place it yet. Stay alert and I’d suggest you hold back before he’s consistently proven you can trust him over time and in different contexts.

    You want to identify whether this is just nothing, or it represents something deeper going on. Sometimes despite the polished facade or mask people present, the true energy they embody still seeps through regardless.

    If after spending time with someone, you feel off or low for any reason, trust that. Energy doesn’t lie.

    Keep your wits about you, and do let us know what happens. I’m genuinely curious about Mr Purple T-Shirt now!

    (PS I know you questioned at the end about stopping things now before you hurt his feelings. I don’t feel like that’s a concern. I’m more concerned about you and your feelings. Just the fact that you’re asking that question tells me you’re a super-nice kind considerate person, and if anyone needs looking out for, it’s you. So please make sure you consider your feelings in whatever happens going forward. Keep giving your intuition the benefit of the doubt! I guarantee you, Purple T-shirt can look after himself.)

    #935554 Reply

    M

    I’ve just read Maddie’s post, and of course there is that too.

    It’s a conundrum. I feel like both perspectives could be true.

    I guess the question is, how much do you trust yourself? I used to wonder why guys liked me. It made me think there must be something wrong with them if they want me.

    It took me a while to own my worth. Now looking back, my doubts about them were actually spot on, but just for the wrong reasons.

    I am super clear on who I am now and I know that guys who I gave a chance to in the past who weren’t my type, I felt doubts about for a reason.

    How well do his values align with yours? I mean his deeper values, not just the things he says to you to try and win you over.

    I guess you’re not doing to know that until you get to know him better.

    I agree with Maddie, and I also say, listen to what your gut is telling you, especially if you’re getting an off feeling. It’s a sign for you to be alert. Trust yourself and your instincts. They’re there to serve you.

    #935583 Reply

    Mary

    It is why we have to be right with ourselves before considering a relationship.

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