Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Does he really feel this way?
- This topic has 38 replies and was last updated 2 years, 10 months ago by
Sheila.
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Andrea
Ok so where to begin…. Me and my husband are separated but we’re in the process of trying to work things out. However one day at his store, I was responding to a text that my sister had sent me. He comes over and sees the text I received and sees that within the text, it has a heart and lipstick mouth emoji in the text. Since it was a private text, I didn’t want him to see if. He asked me who it was, I told him from my sister but he didn’t know the story behind it and it was a very private conversation that I did not want to mention to him. He asks to see my phone, I said no. He asks why, I tell him because I don’t ask to go through his phone( which I don’t) so he gets mad at me.
Next day he comes to the place, unannounced,that I’m staying at since we have been separated, asks my son if he likes the new guy….my son has no idea what or who he is talking about. He sees that I don’t have my ring on my finger ( and it’s only because I had just finished putting on lotion) but he didn’t bother to stick around for an explanation. He leaves then calls me and accuses me of seeing someone else, lies and says he had a conversation with my sister about communicating the day before. He calls me a wh0re, and a liar.
A few weeks later, he is gone to Puerto Rico with some chick. I asked him on text if he has filed for divorce because if not, I will. He tells me he’s too busy living life in Puerto Rico while I am too busy in my town f**king guys. So instead of answering my question, he tells me to die and that I am dead to him and then blocks me.
I know that I need to file for divorce which is what I did already but is he just upset or is he unhinged and may cause she physical ha to me?
AngieBaby
From the way you told this story, I have to say I don’t believe that text was from your sister. Even if it was, sounds like you were talking about something you needed to hide from him. So I can see why he would have gotten upset. That wasn’t a cool move if you were genuinely trying to work things out. Keeping secrets is a relationship killer.
However, he’s definitely overreacted but I wonder if there’s some significant history you’re not sharing here. If there’s not, and he’s that unreasonable and unhinged then you’re better off without him.
Not sure the point of your post. Only you can gauge if he poses a threat of physical danger to you. If you don’t know, then we sure don’t. Sounds like he’s busy with someone else now anyway.
Ewa
and why do you care? you are not together for a reason and to be honest he doesn’t seem like a nice person to be around anyway. He accused you of seeing someone else while he is the one seeing someone else. When someone cheats they usually think that the other person is cheating, so in this case he was the one f****ing someone else and he tried to twist it around so you feel like you are the guilty one here.
Erin
Well generally people who f*ck around you always project and accuse you of doing the same and it’s clear who is fuc*ing around who at this point. Unless you have your own side gig going on?
Well your husband is a trip and he is really sounding like an as*hole and he’s just so poor at conflict resolution.
About the message between you and your sister you could’ve simply explained that you were discussing some personal issues and showing each other support. Showing him the text would betray your confidence. Assuming that was really your sister…
And I think you guys should have gone to therapy together, that way you can all vent out via the therapist on what’s really going on and how you really feel.
Does he have a history of violence or harassment, towards you or has made you feel unsafe or threatened or in danger in the past?
If that’s the case, you might need a retraining order.
Andrea
Thank you all for the responses. Yes I was definitely talking about something that he didn’t need to know about. It made no sense to me to tell him about it.
And I ” care” because I care about my safety. There’s holes for sure because I wasn’t trying to make it as long and trying to condense the situation down a bit.We did try counseling but he was not open to going back although we were just getting started.
He doesn’t have a history of assault which was why I was asking and concerned.
I did mention to him that he’s the one who lied and accused me of cheating when he is doing it.
Either way, I have already filed, so once he’s back in town, he’ll eventually see the divorce papers.
Another thing I don’t get is, if he felt do Strong my about me and wanted to move on with someone else, why not file for divorce himself….
Erica
So how did you find out about the Puerto Rico trip? Did he voluntarily tell you about it or did someone else?
He sounds upset with you still and this woman he took with you is a rebound. However, be happy that you filed so you can prove to not only h, but yourself, that you’re moving on to someone who can communicate with you. And if the text was in fact to your sister, both of you should have handled that better.
I’d be alarmed as well if my ex, bf, husband or WHATEVER you want to call him, comes over unannounced and starts interrogating my child. That doesn’t sound safe.
Zoe
If you go back to him your life will be toxic forever. Do you want this for you and your kids?
File for divorce and find a new loving man. You will be glad you didSheila
Dude sounds unhinged if he’s wishing death on you..he seems very angry. Doing things, in his mind is, to be reasonable but it really isn’t. I don’t know about anyone else, but even if he’s upset and saying things in the heat of the moment, I’d take it seriously and not be in touch with that person again. He’s on a trip with another woman and he’s throwing out so much anger while in the company of another woman? Please be on alert once he receives the divorce papers. Thank your lucky stars he’s someone else’s problem and have a peaceful life. All the best to you and your safety.
Maddie
“Another thing I don’t get is, if he felt do Strong my about me and wanted to move on with someone else, why not file for divorce himself….”
I’ve known this to happen. The person who was refusing to file was trying to make a point that THEY wanted to stay in the marriage and were willing to keep trying (even if their actions were actually towards moving on). So it was a show of blaming the failure of the marriage entirely on the other person. Even though that wasn’t true (in this specific case both parties were responsible in their own way for an unhealthy dynamic), it was a way for that person to feel a “I have the high-ground” victim mentality and deflect blame to feel better and avoid introspection and growth. Which reflected issues from earlier in life unrelated to the spouse but which played out in the marriage. And was part of the reason they couldn’t resolve their issues. In a way it can also be manipulative (intentionally or unintentionally): I love you so much that I’m still here (on paper), can you find someone else who would love you like this?? No, you can’t, so you better come back and fix this.
Liz Lemon
Maddie’s right, some people refuse to file for divorce no matter how miserable their marriage is, even if they themselves are cheating. It’s a power thing, they somehow see themselves as being the more “principled” partner (eye roll), which is totally ironic since they’re usually the partner who is doing the cheating or other negative behavior. So they can totally blame it on the other person, “well SHE was the one who filed,” etc. My bf went through this with his ex-wife, they were a miserable couple, just badly matched, and he wound up having to be the one who filed just to get out of it. He did feel guilt about it, but saw no other option. He’s over it now, but it’s just an example of how it can be a mindf*ck to be the person who winds up having to file. It takes guts to take that step and free yourself from a toxic marriage. So please move ahead with the divorce and your life. Don’t look back, you will be so glad you freed yourself.
Andrea
Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate you answering and giving me your take on the situation. This is what I was needing.
I do understand that I could have handled it better on my end by just letting him know it was a personal conversation between me and my sister but something tells me that it wouldn’t have mattered. He would assume the worst in the whole ordeal. All of this over, not only a text message but coming over and not seeing my ring on. He was not in a headspace to receive information from me no matter how it was delivered to him.
@Erica
He told me that he was in Puerto Rico. Something told me to check his fb page, so I did and saw a video of him and a woman on a beach. The lady appeared to not want to be seen on the video with him but he wanted her on there, even tagged her. So he wasn’t trying to hide her.
Erica
Well even though she may not have wanted to appear on camera, it didn’t stop her from hopping on a plane to Puerto Rico with him. Either way, he’s putting on display for, Id assume, mutual friends and family to see he’s with another woman and hasn’t bothered to let the ink dry on the divorce. He’s a piece of $h!t if you ask me. Too bad you couldn’t fly those divorce papers to his hotel room in Puerto Rico.
Erin
“The person who was refusing to file was trying to make a point that THEY wanted to stay in the marriage and were willing to keep trying (even if their actions were actually towards moving on). So it was a show of blaming the failure of the marriage entirely on the other person”
Very wise words from @Maddie, this is what this man is doing
“Too bad you couldn’t fly those divorce papers to his hotel room in Puerto Rico”
@Erica, Hahahah this so much.
Refuses therapy, gets a rebound chic, refuses to sign divorce papers, verbally abusive, intimidates the child over grown up matters, goes with rebound chic on holiday and flaunts her while saying he wants to work things out.
He’s loco. Divorce his as* and don’t have second thoughts.
Erica
@Erin… I’m saying!!! Hahahah!!!This divorce filing process needs to get moving! He’s out here being what HE accused HER of being! He needs to get his! He’s a real jerk and I’d bet all the money I have in my pocket that it gets worse than this.
Erica
Andrea,
I do feel that the reason he didn’t file is because he probably just wanted you to do it. Or cross that bridge when he felt necessary. Either way, I don’t think he cares OBVIOUSLY, whether he’s married to you or not. I’m glad you filed and are choosing to not look back. I also understand if youre upset. You’re human. and I can only imagine how you’re feeling right now. He seems to be emotionally and mentally horrible for you or anyone. Good luck to the woman who he’s with now.
Andrea
Thank you very much you all for messaging me. I guess the plot slightly thickens. He’s a piece of work. I tell ya. So he messages me ” thanking me” for being what he perceives me as ( ie, a whore, a liar, and calling me a piece of $hit, etc…)…while letting me know he’s heading to Hawaii with another lady that is not the woman he took to Puerto Rico…. Then proceeds to send me photos of him and her, him and her in his bike, and him and her in bed naked.
I may not be perfect but I don’t deserve that…at
AngieBaby
He’s still clearly emotionally attached to you or he wouldn’t do these things. Love and hate are two sides of the very same coin.
Sounds like it may be time to tell him he needs to communicate with you through your attorney only and you need to block him.
Why haven’t you blocked him already?
Why haven’t you blocked him already?
tammy
hes obviously upset and angry and jealous at what he thinks is true. that your with another man. but this kind of behaviour is disgusting and not acceptable. and to send such pictures? eeeks. shows he is very immature and not emotionally stable to deal with things. its gud that you have filed for divorce to end marriage with this man. if i was in your place i would save all these pictures in case he creates a problem in the ongoing divorce. all the best.
Andrea
Thank you all…
It bothers me that he’s still calling me outside of my name. I can only feel for the woman because she may not know what she’s dealing with. But I did tell him to leave me alone and to contact my lawyer.It just hurts that someone would go to such childish behaviors and be spiteful. I don’t bother him. I am moving along with my life and will continue to do so.
I didn’t block him because I didn’t think I’d actually hear from him again. I don’t know what he expects me to do. I haven’t cried, nor asked for him back. I’m just disgusted and quite mad that someone would think this is okay to do.Riley
Wow! What did I just read????
Ok first off….this guy is a real @$$h0le. So he took one chick to Puerto Rico, then turns around and is with another chick and taking her to Hawaii???? And he’s calling YOU a wh0re????? Wow. I don’t know how you haven’t wanted to beat his @$$… But it sounds like that’s what he wants …is that kind of reaction out of you. Being alarmed is definitely you should be but not because he’ll physically harm you, but he’ll stop at nothing to continue to hurt you.
I agree with others, he’s still emotionally attached to you. I don’t know what he wants from you but he needs to leave you alone and move on like he keeps trying to convince you off. He’s a real jerk. This woman will see how he is in due time. He sounds very narcissistic and sociopathic in MY opinion. They can’t hide it for too long. Good luck to you and sorry you’re having to deal with this.Andrea
It’s upsetting. But I don’t quite understand what he’s expecting me to do. Weird. I’ve filed, I’ve moved on and I’m living my life. Dont quite understand what he wants from this point on
tammy
i think for your sanity its best you avoid any talks with him. he dint need to stoop so low. send you inappropriate pictures and call you names. this is what he turns into when hes upset and angry. you don’t want to be around this kind of abuse, toxicity, cheap behavior and negativity. in case you had even an iota of second thoughts about this divorce, he has just proved to you yet again why you must end things with this man.
Andrea
Completely agree. I can assure you that I have no desire to go back or even think about cancelling out the divorce lol. I don’t understand what he’s expecting me to do….cry? Ask for him back? Beg him to choose me again? Well I won’t. I know I’m upset at what he did because it caught me off guard. I WILL continue to move on, I just don’t get why do any of this, we haven’t been in touch since he was in Puerto Rico almost a few weeks ago with another woman( see how RIDICULOUS THAT IS???). I guess he wants me to cry….mentioning that I’m not part of his life and that he’s moved on and has no bad feelings but proceeds to tell me I’m a ” piece of $h!t and other things…..I never asked nor alluded to caring what he thinks of me…
Andrea
I’m sorry to keep this going….it took me some time to get passed the anger from a week ago and then he turns around and does this. I don’t deserve this treatment. I know he wants to hurt me as much as possible. My sister feels like I should send the girl a message about him posting photos of her naked but I don’t want to do that, especially out of anger. He felt the need to send me a LOOOOONG message about how he has met his ” queen, his everything, want of his dreams” <—- I kid you not…he texted that lol. I need to get out of my head. I do appreciate you all responding to me. It was much needed. Thank you.
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