This topic contains 20 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by ANA 4 years, 11 months ago.
January 4, 2016 at 10:48 am #494385
Okay, ridiculous title, I know. But I need some help figuring this guy out because I have never been so unclear on someone’s intentions!
I met this loud-mouthed, stubborn, typical alpha male in September while out with someone friends. I was so turned off by him at first but he kept chasing me and I ended up agreeing to go out on a date with him. I am alpha female of the friend group…not a choice, just what role I guess I fit into. I am pretty strong willed and I guess I have that strong personality and either get along with anyone and everyone without much effort, or just completely clash with someone every now and then. But generally I am fun and like to be fiercely protective of my friends and loved ones. This has served me well in life. We texted a few times a week and sent a lots of Snapchats back and forth. I dislike talking on the phone so I did not press that issue. When we decided to go out on a date, we had a lot of fun together and spent the night together. I assumed he would be that typical guy and get up in the morning and leave right away and we would go about out day. But, he didn’t. He stayed until around 4:00pm and we just had lunch together and watched movies and it was a lot of fun. We continued talking and I felt like we were pretty casual and just having a good time. We spent some more time together. A couple of weeks ago he asked me if I would like to go up state with him and spend New Year’s with him and his family/friends who live up there. I wanted an adventure. I wanted to get out of town and it seemed like the right thing to do, so I told him that I would love to go. We made the plans and he asked if he could spend the night the night before we left.
Okay fast forward to the vacation. I had literally no expectations of how this was going to go. I did not anticipate him paying for anything except for the hotel. I had told him we could take my car since he bought the hotel for all four nights. He gets to my house the night before we were going to leave. We slept together and stayed up talking for hours. He definitely has a confident, alpha-male air about him. He is not afraid to talk about anything and he talks a LOT! He remembers things that I tell him too…he did ask a lot of questions that night about things we had talked about a few times. So when we left for the vacation, we had 8 hours together in the car. I was thinking we would definitely know whether or not we could get along in that time. We had so much fun, even just in the car. But I started feeling like he was talking to me like a friend. He calls me “dude” or “man” or things like that, but also will call me babe or sweetie. That was pretty confusing for me, honestly. Once we got up there, we went right to his friends’ house. He introduced me to everyone and we all had a very fun time. He was attentive and kept asking me if I was okay, if I was having fun, etc. He was definitely hanging with the guys as the night went on and I was having a good time with the women who were there. We all seemed to get along very well. Late into the night, things were winding down, some people left, and I fell asleep on the couch. A little while later I woke up and could hear the guys asking him about me. He kept saying “She is cool. She is so much fun and seriously so cool.” They were all saying that not all girls could come and meet people and just automatically click with them and fit in. The one friend was like, “Dude she is amazing, you need to marry her.” (Whoa, but lol.) He just kept saying how much fun we have and that I am cool and things like that. Is that sounding like he is saying I am cool as a friend? That was unclear to me. We continued the trip and he would go from calling me dude and messing around with me, to calling me babe and kissing me on the head and holding my hand. We kissed at midnight. He gave me his gloves. He took care of me, I felt. But all weekend he would be super sweet, and then kind of joking around and not as sweet. It was back and forth and I could not grasp onto how he really felt about me. The other thing was pictures on Facebook. I posted a couple of us together and tagged him. He did not post any of the two of us, just of scenery and things we were doing. He left the pics that I posted on his wall. I am more someone to post everything that I am doing and who I am with, maybe he is just different? But I did wonder if he was trying to avoid being seen with me on a vacation. He told his friends that we wanted to spend one whole day alone, so we went on a winter hike and then got dressed up a little and went out to a nice dinner. He paid. I paid for a few meals and he paid for a few. I do like to be fair as I make my own money. I jokingly mentioned to him that I felt like he was not very affectionate and he got a little defensive and said, “I have cuddled you for four nights straight, I took you out to a nice dinner last night, I brought you on vacation…how am I not affectionate?” I guess affection to me is physical touch. He does not do that as much as I would. After we were up state for four days we decided to head home and take our time stopping and looking at things, and then to visit another group of friends who live a few hours from us. When we got to that friends’ house, everyone seemed oddly excited to see me. They hugged me hello and asked, “Are you the new girlfriend?” He did not correct them. They were referring to me as his girl. One of the friends pulled me aside and said, “I know he is hard to deal with sometimes but you seem really cool and I already really like you better than his ex.” So that was nice to hear, kind of validation that he is not just hard for me to take sometimes. We had a ton of fun there. He was having me sit on his lap and hugging me and kissing me. But then again! Calling me dude sometimes and jabbing at me a little bit like he would to a friend! I just kept feeling very confused. He told me the password on his phone so that I could get in and change the music and I did the same for him. I did not seem him on his phone hardly at all. He said to me at one point, “This girl who dated my buddy keeps texting me and I don’t want anything to do with her, but she keeps texting.” A couple of times that I picked up my phone, he was like, “Oh are you checking your Tinder?” I told him that I don’t have Tinder. I wondered if that was his way of being like, “We are not exclusive, you can talk to other dudes.” Maybe I am wrong though? Once we left there, we got home really early in the morning. He didn’t go home, but stayed and slept over. That night he held onto me the entire night long. I have never been able to cuddle all night with someone but I could with him. It felt really comfortable and it made me start to wonder what his intentions are. We did not have a ton of sex. That is weird for me because I would have sex three times a day with someone I am really into. The next morning we woke up and had breakfast, and instead of leaving right away he stayed and watched movies and football. We cuddled on the couch and even held hands. Then he left. he gave me a hug and a kiss goodbye and told me how much fun he had. He texted me after that too and we talked a little.
So this is my big thing…I have never dated another alpha and I would appreciated some help figuring out what all of this stuff means. I do not want to overthink and ruin it but if he only wanted to be friends I really need to know that.January 4, 2016 at 11:32 am #494401
Anybody?January 4, 2016 at 11:37 am #494403
I don’t think this has anything to do with ‘alpha.’
Second, no one on here can read minds. So the person you have to ask is him.
I would have a talk with him and simply ask what he wants out of dating, let him know that your intent is to get into a relationship. He might be there already. He might not. But at least you will know.
Fwb can look and feel very much like a BF/gf thing and yes that includes going away together.
after three months he should pretty much know if he wants you as his gf.January 4, 2016 at 12:22 pm #494411
Based on what I’ve seen on this forum, it’s very possible for people to go on vacations together, and do lots of “couply things”, and not be in a relationship. I guess your question is, where do you stand with him – are you his girlfriend or not? Have you discussed exclusivity yet?
If not, I think asking about exclusivity is your next step. One famous dating expert advises: Tell him you have other offers, other guys wanting to take you out, and you aren’t sure what to tell them. This should prompt him to give you his view about whether you two are exclusive. If he says he doesn’t want you seeing other guys, then ask how he feels about making things “official.”January 4, 2016 at 12:29 pm #494414
Wow… what a powerful beginning of a relationship. Yes, you met 3 months ago but that was a bf/gf w/e.
I would wait to see if he contacts you. Although I think this was a full on relationship w/e it is possible that it is how he handles his “dates”. But with all of his friends (guys and girls) acknowledging how great you are and would fit into their group, I would think it means more.
So, when he contacts you I would see if there is an appropriate opening to talk about it. I wouldn’t let it linger though because again.. that “date”.. (LOL) is rare based on the stories we see on this page. Usually a w/e like that wouldn’t happen for a while.
But you do want a relationship with him, right?January 4, 2016 at 12:59 pm #494419
I do want a relationship. He simultaneously makes me want to kiss him and jab him in the ribs, and not that many people have that effect on me. I need a challenge and he certainly is one! It seems like our strong personalities mesh pretty well. I did notice that he asked me what I wanted to do quite a bit and did not just ignore how I felt about certain things. I love spending time with him and it feels really comfortable in those quiet moments when there are no expectations of doing anything.January 4, 2016 at 1:07 pm #494421
Do you feel comfortable asking him about what he is looking for? I’m assuming you 2 haven’t even talked about the seriousness of the connection before the w/e. You kind of went with it. Which is the best way to handle it.January 4, 2016 at 1:40 pm #494428
Just be a real alpha, say I want this and this and if you don’t like it, take the high road. I bet he’ll submit, after some resistance, which would only make it more fun. LOLJanuary 4, 2016 at 1:44 pm #494430
We talked probably a month or so ago, maybe 6 weeks ago, and I asked him if he was looking just for sex or a relationship. He said that he would never be as patient and work so hard for some booty. We went with that. I have not asked since then but I do feel that I am at a point where I need to at least have an end goal. If it is just friendship that he wants then I need to change my game. If he wants a relationship with me, I do not want to rush that but I do need to know for reasons of how I treat him, who I am talking to, if I go date others. etc.
How would you approach this?January 4, 2016 at 2:34 pm #494443
Hey, Alicia. I think him asking if you were checking Tinder was more making sure you WEREN’T chatting with other guys, rather than telling you he was cool with it if you did. He wouldn’t ask someone for a long weekend like that if he didn’t see you as more than a friend. That said: There is a weird middle ground between being friends and being bf/gf. It’s called being lovers…sounds awkward, because it is. It’s more than just a booty call. There is actual affection and caring there, but it doesn’t necessarily mean things are heading towards a relationship. I’ve had a very similar experience to you that went on for waaaaaay too long, because it felt like a relationship to me, and I didn’t want to put stress on it by asking about it, but it turned out that he didn’t want to commit. I wish I would have known that to begin with, because of course, I wound up falling for him, and we don’t even speak, now. It sounds like you two get along really well, and it would suck to lose your friendship over miscommunication. He told you he wasn’t just chasing you for booty, and him holding you all night was an indication that he was willing to work on the affectionate thing you called him out on, so I would say be cautiously optimistic. Now’s not the time to start pressuring him for answers. Just roll with it, but try not to give your heart away until he actually introduces you as his girlfriend. I know it’s probably too late. lol. Just do your best to play it cool. :)January 4, 2016 at 4:45 pm #494486
I think he is def into you. The mentioning of Tinder was a way of probably seeing if you were still talking to or looking for other “entertainment” without actually asking.
Honestly I think you should just put it out there and let him know how you feel and see how he feels. I have learned (from my current bf)that sometimes they assume relationships bc of their actions. But you have to ask him. That’s the only way to know but it looks good. esp since he was comfortable introducing you into his circle.January 4, 2016 at 5:11 pm #494492
Okay so we chatted some today, and I worked up the nerve to ask him to my work formal party at the end of the month. He initially said, “I should be able to.” I hated to do this but I had to pressure him because I need to RSVP his name and I needed a firm answer. He said, “I would really love to go but if you need to know right now it is a no because I don’t know if I can find someone to bowl for me that night or if I will have to work.” Right afterwards I just said okay, and he took to send me snapchats.
Lack of interest, or just logically cannot come because I need an ASAP answer?January 4, 2016 at 8:42 pm #494576
That just means he can’t make a date. It has nothing to do with whether or not you are BF/gfJanuary 4, 2016 at 8:43 pm #494578
Simply write him off on that date.mmif he can’t commit. Don’t worry about it.January 4, 2016 at 8:43 pm #494579
If he can’t commitJanuary 4, 2016 at 9:33 pm #494589
I understand him needing to work…
But bowling …?
I think you have your answer… Sorry.January 4, 2016 at 10:27 pm #494601
Yeah I think if he really wanted to be there he wouldn’t use bowling as a possible excuse. Sorry :/January 4, 2016 at 10:31 pm #494603
Sorry…too long too read!January 4, 2016 at 10:49 pm #494608
I won’t be able to commit to ANY event on the spot. His bowling thing may not be important but if he has a team then they depend on him.
Ask again, ask nicely, say you’d really like him to come. Watch his reaction.
I think you two are into each other and all this “status” and BF/GF and relationship or not relationship thing is mudding the waters for you. If you think you are his GF, he thinks so, his friends think so, then what else do you need? He can’t marry you in 3 months, but in the meantime, enjoy and observe. Make sure he is a good husband material. You want a relationship and official something with him without even knowing he is the right guy, why? Don’t get swayed by the “challenge” thing, what may be fun during courtship can be a nightmare during regular life in the long term, you don’t want your daily life to be a constant challenge.June 26, 2017 at 12:27 am #637199
So….is there an update HAHAJune 26, 2017 at 6:08 am #637251
Honestly it sounds like he is testing you / trying to gauge your reactions to things because he does want a relationship but he also wants to be in control… Which he currently is as he is keeping you in a permanent state of confusion. This is quite natural at the start of the relationship but honestly if you are anything like me I would just get sick of the mind games and have an open and honest chat… you aren’t in highschool anymore!!!!