Distraction 101 – would you do it?


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This topic contains 16 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Bougiekat 1 month ago.

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  • #847430 Reply

    Queenie

    I’ve repeatedly posted about my ‘FWB’ situation, and in an effort to distract myself, I’ve happened upon an opportunity…
    An Ex of mine has recently been hitting me up frequently (and by ex, I mean I told him outright I wasn’t going to commit, I was 21 and living that free life [at the time] lol, but eventually had to break it off cause he ‘loved me’, karma is a b*tch haha).
    He wants to meet up after over 10yrs… he confessed tonight he’s been waiting so long to see me (probably just spitting game), However, I am kinda into the idea of a distraction…
    What would you do?…

    #847433 Reply

    Newbie

    I vote no. Did he even get in touch recently? Why dont you learn a new language instead or go take an oil painting class? Try new things, not old things

    #847442 Reply

    AngieBaby

    What exactly is this an opportunity for other than to ricochet between a couple of guys and maybe get your ego stroked because you don’t know where you stand with the other one????

    Honestly?

    Forget the man game for a while and go do something fun on your own.

    You don’t need to post here for opinions – it’s your life and yours is the only one that counts. You don’t need to post here for answers – you have all your answers already. You know what to do and not do. Now trust yourself and do what you know is right. Don’t get addicted to checking in with a bunch of random strangers on the internet to figure out what you really want, when you know. Stop playing hide and seek with yourself.

    #847445 Reply

    Maddie

    Why are you looking to add more complications when you already have one complicated situation? Clarify what you and Mr. FWB are first. If you’re not heading towards a relationship, then meet up with this guy if you’re curious. But generally, I agree with Newbie’s advice. And the prior comments pointing out that you’ve been trying to talk yourself out of figuring out your situationship as a defense mechanism against the idea of being disappointed. Distracting yourself with another guy is just doing more of the same avoiding.

    #847449 Reply

    Queenie

    Thank you Newbie, good advice. I need a hobby. I’ll break out the acrylics and try to distract myself with that.

    #847450 Reply

    Queenie

    Thank you all.
    Admittedly, I get lonely, and I’ve appreciated the forums for a sense of community.
    I’ve been thinking of just not giving an F about partners and just for pleasure/ ‘ego stroking’ because it seemed so much easier when I was like that.
    Idk what to do, but thank you all for talking me through it.
    Have a great night:)

    #847570 Reply

    tammy

    to take your mind off one fwb situation, you want to get back with another fwb? like really? cant you do other things to keep your mind occupied than get into anther fwb situation?

    #847573 Reply

    Tallspicy

    I think you should consider a therapist: between the constant rumination, accepting less than real relationships, playing tricky games so that you can feel validated, people pleasing, and not seeming to have a sense of self…. I think this could help you. This is all part of anxious attachment or fearful avoidant and can get better. You can learn to be more secure if you just focus on you.

    #847583 Reply

    Tallspicy

    BTW, I think this totally possible for you – you can have the future you want and be the confident person you want! Go you, now get to it!

    #847584 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I totally agree with everything that’s been said here. I don’t know how old you are (30s? 40s?), the circumstances of your divorce, or how long you’ve been divorced. I don’t think you mentioned that in any of your threads.

    This is just supposition on my part, but if you haven’t been divorced long, maybe you have not fully processed the pain of your divorce. My bf had a particularly toxic/traumatizing divorce compared to many I’ve heard of, and when I met him several years after it was finalized, he still had not totally dealt with it. A lot of it was negative baggage about himself, his feeling at fault, that he had somehow failed, or had not been a good enough husband (when in reality he is a wonderful partner to me– he and his ex were just completely incompatible, they did not want the same things in life, and he sees that now). He’s worked hard on himself and come a very long way, but I know when I met him, there was still a lot of pain there he had not fully processed.

    I have no idea if this is the case with you or not, but you have spoken negatively of your marriage in several threads, and you seem to be desperately seeking validation while refusing to fully engage with or resolve your FWB situation. I agree that distracting yourself with another situationship is not the way to go. I think you should focus on yourself, step back from dating for awhile, perhaps seek out therapy as Tallspicy suggested. Work on yourself for now, so you can love yourself.

    #847598 Reply

    Anon

    I can relate to the need for external validation- it’s terrible because of how insecure you become. It does take work and time to realize your vulnerabilities and work on them to really take care of loving yourself first. Once that happens, you feel empowered and confident more so than ever before which is so attractive. I recommend journaling as to reflect how far you’ve come from where you begin.

    #847614 Reply

    Elvira

    Queenie I agree with the others that you need to learn how to be alone and appreciate yourself with out the validation of a man in your life . I have realized that whenever we post about someone regardless of how “secure” we think we are, if we feel the need to “ask” about a situation then it is because we know something isn’t right or its not what we would “actually” like.
    Like someone else mentioned you need to tackle one issue at a time. Be honest with yourself about what you want and there is no shame to admit that you get lonely but having someone’s 5%-25% attention isn’t going to take that loneliness away.
    Why not spend some time with girlfriends if you are feeling lonely and the need to socialize? Take a workout class. If your missing the romance of being with a man…then realize that the attention of someone who isn’t in love with you isn’t the same. So choose which is more important at the moment? To find true love or a place holder?

    #847694 Reply

    Queenie

    Thank you Elvira and Newbie and others, it’s great advice. I’ve certainly been struggling with loneliness because of the fact my BFF won’t see anyone and my brother is 1,000mi away. And all my friends are married so I also feel weird about complaining about my single life problems. So I don’t really have an outlet, and very much appreciate you all helping me.
    Thank you, so much.

    #848019 Reply

    Newbie

    He queenie, did dude contact you about the car fixing or is it radio silence since last weekend?

    #848029 Reply

    Queenie

    Hey Newbie, yea he did, we’re supposed to get together Tuesday and possibly Thursday after work. He called me Friday to set it up and we ended up being on the phone for 2+ hrs. At one point he mentioned my kids (could hear my youngest in the background), how he thinks they seem ‘super rad’, loves hearing our interactions, and would love to meet them one day. :0

    #848080 Reply

    Newbie

    Sounds good. At least he is showing more interest. Doing projects works really well in getting guys more interested. But you have to put on your big girls panties at some point. Have fun. And dont forget the hobbies

    #848253 Reply

    Bougiekat

    I think taking care of yourself is the best distraction you could have. It helps to alleviate ruminating of the mind and puts you back in the driver’s seat which where I think you should be. You sound articulate and intelligent – don’t forget sometimes you have to be your own advocate and cheerleader. I can understand as the only single one left. It’s hard to root for yourself but little things can add up a lot. Good luck!

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