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- This topic has 4 replies and was last updated 8 months, 1 week ago by
Liz Lemon.
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Lil
Hi,
My partner and I have different love languages. Mine is loving words and touch, his is more act of services. He says that he loves me everytime when he is away for work and makes a point to call me every night when away even if he is exhausted but he will rarely say it at home. He makes an effort to write a few sweets words on a card (he is very good at picking cards that he knows I will love) for my birthday and Christmas but I never get any verbal declaration. As for touch, he will happily welcome any of my cuddles or kisses or tenderness and reciprocate, but he will rarely initiate. Almost never actually. He is just not like that with humans (but he will stop everything he does as soon as our little cuddly cat goes to him for some pets and he will spend 15 mns on the floor cuddling her!). And I live for tender words and touch, because I never got it when I was a kid.
When I’m not being an unreasonable dramaqueen like today (I’m right in the middle of my PMS), I remember that we love each other, we are a great team, we have similar values and dreams and we just enjoy each other company a lot. He is also so great with his act of services ! I really appreciate that. For example I went back to work recently after a long period off due to circumstances I had no control over, and he has been the sweetest. He kept the house spotless clean because he knows I care a lot about it, drove me to work and picked me up every day when he could because he knew that it made me happy and appeased my anxiety, cooked the best dinners every night and made extra for my breakfast, did all the groceries etc etc so I could do nothing else than relax on my days off. So yes, he tells me that he loves me in his own way. And he always tries to make me happy.
But today, I just feel a bit down and I am craving more physical touch and tender words, more spontaneously from him.
I must not be the only one in this situation so how do you deal with it when your partner speaks a different love language from yours?Raven
Have you told him this?
Lil
Yes I did talk to him about that a year ago maybe ? He was very sorry to hear that and he made efforts for a while to be more expressive with words and physically. But then life happened, work, fatigue, stress… and he probably forgot.
mama
This might sound trite or cliché (which is not my intention), I feel like you will just have to accept THAT is who he is and take charge of your own needs, without resentment or bitterness. If you need touch and loving words, go hug him and say I love you. You are not going to get spontaneous from him, it’s not how he’s wired.
You’ve listed a million different ways he shows you his love. It’s nice to see that you recognize it for what it is, that’s a great sign. By the way, what do you do in terms of his love language for him?
My partner is different than I, and I have worked hard on myself to accept him as is (with the help of my wonderful therapist). I am in charge of what makes me happy. In the simplest of terms, if I need a hug, I give&ask for a hug. It’s never refused and the end result is I get a hug!
Liz Lemon
I love mama’s response, and totally agree with her. Your guy sounds like a lovely person and a great partner. I’m glad you recognize all the way he tries to make you happy.
Totally agree that you just need to accept that he is not going to be a spontaneously physically affectionate guy– it’s just who he is. Like mama said, he simply isn’t wired that way. (And I hope you realize there is a world of difference between cuddling cats and cuddling humans– so don’t take it personally!) No partner is going to meet all of your needs 100% of the time– he’s not responsible for your happiness, you are in charge of what makes you happy, like mama said (can you tell I agree with her? lol).
If it makes you feel better, I think a lot of men are wired this way. My partner is the same, he is definitely an acts of service person (and is super attuned to my comfort/what I need), and not a spontaneously affectionate person. He’s happy to receive affection and always reciprocates, which is fine with me. It sounds oversimplified but you really do have to fully accept your partner as they are.
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