Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › Did the fader,/Ghoster ever return… experiences please..
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Beth.
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TONI
Hi all
So i am currently going through being ‘ghosted’. Seeing him for a month and a half…There were NO signs at all for this to happen and it has left me quite upset. Its been a week with no contact whatsoever. So I’ve been doing exactly what I should.. no contact, deleted his number, having fun and getting on with my life.
My question is.. How common is it for them to return? Have you had any personal experience of this you could share??
Thanks in advance xxHannah
Yes I do! The same as you. He disappeared after about 1 month or so and came back. We were together 18 months and it was a disaster. He was never fully in the relationship and is the only man to have cheated on me.
I wasn’t what he wanted. If I had been, he never would have disappeared in the first place. But actually he wasn’t what I wanted either. That’s what I learned from this situation.
Toni
Hey Hannah
How long did it take him after he ‘ghosted’ to return.. and how did he go about getting you back?
redcurleysue
I did not have a fader or ghoster but I have had exs come back. One guy, who I told to go away and not to come back keep insisting through my roommate to speak with me.
I asked him that if I do have a conversation would he go away? He promised.
When I sat down and asked him what he wanted he said straight out “sex”. He said that although our personalities clashed he thought the sex was great. If I had not been insulted before I certainly was now…and he should have known that…but, I think he was so self centered that he could not see beyond himself. Obviously, I threw him out.
The point of all this is you have to be clear why they came back…and I do not do reruns.
Harline
This has happened to me twice. In both cases they were men I met online. One admitted he’d been seeing several women, decided to give it a try with one and it didn’t work out with her. He had another story but I looked him in the eye and said, is that really what happened? So he tried the aw shucks OK I”ll tell you the truth, please give me points for that and another chance. No dice. I got up and left. The other one claimed it was getting too serious too fast (he was pushing and I stepped back a bit) when he came back to try again. He said he realized his mistakes. I deleted the email with no response. He kept trying until I blocked him, with no reply ever.
You do not want a man who just disappears and comes back with some kind of fish story. But if for some reason you decide to give him a chance if he shows up again, you make him WORK for you for an extended period. Because he’s probably going to vanish again. Almost always they are just trying their luck to see if you will fall for their song and dance.
Harline
Decent guys don’t ghost. Period.
Nia
It basically depends on how intense was the break up. It you showed that you find them despicable, they most probably won’t return. Which is good. You made it clear they have no chance.
Jamie
Two I can say “ghosted” me although one I am kind of on the fence about because my definition of ghosting is vanished while in a relationship, and one of these guys merely didn’t call after a second date. But we’d been communicating for about a month.
First guy (the one that didn’t call after a second date) reached out a year and a half later. I had clicked on a virus that spammed his e-mail so he used that as an excuse to contact me. He claimed he DID text me after our second date but it must have dropped. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We went out for about four months. After the first three weeks of the “relationship” his interest level waned considerably and I rarely heard from him. I hadn’t seen him for an entire month when we had an argument about his lack of effort and he dumped me through text.
Second guy, we just became exclusive and had been seeing each other for two months. In hindsight on our last date I sensed something was off…he was distant and on his phone a lot, texting. After the date, poof! Gone. He came back four months later saying he didn’t have an explanation for his behavior but he was sorry and wanted another chance. I gave him one. We made a date for the following weekend, about a day before the date the texts stopped and then the date never materialized and he was gone again. He tried coming back multiple times after that. Usually he would text intensely for a few days and then when it came time to make a date he’d vanish. I finally learned and blocked him on everything.
I understand how you’re feeling…that you just want this person back and you’ll do anything. But, for a guy to ghost to start with, his interest level was low. I know that’s a hard thing to realize. So, while my experience has been yes, they came back…they only came back to further waste my time. They didn’t come back to give me the relationship I deserve. And trust me, they know all the lines to say. They’ve watched the same movies, they’ve been around the block, and know that in our minds we’re the star of our own movie and we need a leading man to be opposite and the ups and downs make the whole thing all so romantic. Unfortunately, the hard truth is that a guy who ghosts and comes back is simply hard up and wanting attention. He never liked you all that much and that didn’t change, so once you give him what he needs from you he’s off again.
I have never heard of someone who was ghosted going on to have a stable successful relationship with the person who ghosted them. I’ve heard of people who broke up getting back together and getting married, etc sure…but not with someone who ghosted. As tremendously hard as it, with the voice of hard experience, try try try to mentally write him off. He’s not worth it.
danika
i’ve had 2 ghosters – all of whom i met online.
the first one – i stung for about a few weeks but i realized that i didn’t even like him that much. i just wanted attention, and i went to the wrong place for it.
the 2nd ghost – we actually got along quite well, but honestly i knew he was doing the slow fade, because the texts got less frequent and the calls were less as well. over the weekend, he didn’t initiate any plans. at first sight of this, i balked and refused to reach out on my end. i slightly mentioned i wanted to see a movie, and he said “oh why would you wanna watch that?” – to which i immediately wrote him off. he also texted me on a saturday night – in which i didn’t respond.
three weeks had passed and i had no contact with him. by that time, i already met someone pretty awful – went on a few successful dates and pretty much forget about the dude. until one afternoon he popped up saying “Yo! what’s up?” – HELL NO. first off, you don’t disappear for a few weeks only to mention what’s up? it gave me clarity to realize that we were never compatible because we just used each other for sex, and never really knew about each other’s lives.
i would never take ghost back and overtime you realize why you ever even pined for them. if they don’t contact you – you shouldn’t be contacting them. bottom line. and TRUST ME, eventually they will somehow always weasel their way into your life. and if you ignore – they will get the point FAST. however, if it was something that didn’t work out and he hit you with a “let’s be friends” talk – that inevitably ends up “acting like you never knew each other” because the right thing to do is walk away if the person isn’t committed to you, emotionally unavailable, doesn’t want to keep you around. in that case, if they return – YES you most absolutely need to make them work for it. for ghosts, they stay gone for me.
danika
*met someone pretty promising (not awful!)
Marie
Why on Earth would anyone want a ghoster or a fader back?
Khadija
Yes, many guys do come back.
My question to you is do you really want a guy who demonstrated such behavior back in your life?
Don’t waste your time on guys like this.
alia
The ghosted has returned, one of them several times over a two year period. I’ve told him permanently off and since that day, my life has been continuously improving. If anyone cares so little about your feelings and disappears without an explanation, they do not have the respect and capacity they need to develop a relationship with you. That should not be a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of their state of mind. Of course we all deserve honesty and communication, but it takes real guts to be honest. It seems a cowards way is also an acceptable way of dealing with things these days. Anything goes. Luckily today more than ever we have a choice to engage or disengage with people and we have a choice to permablock ghosters.
Peggy
Yes I had the same ghoster return twice-silly me! The first time I really was new to dating and did not know that I should leave things alone-I was worried something had “happened” to him-lol and begged him to contact me. He did and we dated for another couple months until he broke up with me over text after starting an argument. Well-a month later he returned-could not” live without me, why did we break -up etc”. He came for the weekend-made amillion promises and promised to call me in the evening when he got home. Nothing. 5 days later,he sent a rambling “sorry” text-how I am so great, I am I his heart forever..but he can’t have a relationship right now …blah,blah.. Then he would send random texts that hurt and confused me,like he still cared,but… I finally told him”By your choice,we no lomger are in a relationship-do not contact me again. He replied Ouch and so be it. Never heard from him again. In hindsight,I should have stopped all contact after the first disappearance. I learned a lot from the whole experience..never again!
Ianthe
Apparently-based on what I’ve read here and elsewhere, if you don’t contact them then they nearly ALWAYS do! Almost never for the right reasons. Read some of the other threads on ghosting on here and you will see.
I would never, ever entertain one because as mentioned before, if they truly cared about, they would never have ghosted in the first place!
Hannah
Quite honestly, I can’t remember! This was more than 20 years ago!
I think he came back about 2 months later. We just bumped into each other again and it went from there. We weren’t in a relationship before, so I wasn’t angry he’d disappeared on me. Plus I was young and stupid! But it taught me a lesson. Someone who disappears on you is unlikely to ever see you as enough to keep them happy. You’ll always be slightly chasing them or feeling let down.
Amy
Stop playing emotional detective and trying to figure out if this guy will pop back up. Whether other guys disappeared and then reappeared has nothing to do with your guy’s behavior. Chalk it up to him not being the right guy for you and let it go. You have to kiss a few frogs before meeting a prince.
kaye
Yes I had one. He was the first guy I seriously dated after my divorce. He broke up with me because I was getting too serious too fast. Which I have to say was true. I didn’t know how to “date” again after 24 years of marriage so I’m buying this guy gifts, cooking his favorite meals, keeping his favorite beer and snacks at my house WAY too early. He gets scared and breaks up with me. We kept in touch as friends for several months and he started getting jealous when I would share with him my online dating experiences. Finally after one particularly bad date in which he was texting me the entire time I was on my date, he decided he had made a huge mistake and wanted me back. Silly me I get back with him for a few months, he’s helping me move into a new house, helping me with house and yard projects, I’m hanging out with his kids (he never met mine) and he just disappears. No warning and right in the middle of a text conversation. Totally gone. Nothing.
I wasn’t heartbroken but I was certainly upset and wondering what I did wrong. I didn’t text him or call him. I just let him ghost. In order to cheer me up a friend of mine set me up with a guy she knew. She had been wanting to set me up with this guy for awhile but I was on and off again with this other guy so she never told me about him.
This guy comes to take me on our first date and he’s tall, handsome, funny, charming, hard working, kind and a gentleman. It wasn’t long before I was head over heels for him and had forgotten all about my ghost. Who of course did pop up 3-4 months later with all kinds of apologies and wanting me back. I told him I was seeing someone and he kept begging me to give him a THIRD chance. Oh and to finish the story..the guy I went on a date with only 2 weeks after I got ghosted is now my fiance!! Life can be funny sometimes. :)
Nat
I agree, a decent person would not ghost. You’ve been meeting, talking, there is a personal connection already. Even after just one meeting ghosting is rude, anything more than that it is obnoxious.
@kaye – I can’t believe it. what a dick. in the middle of a texting conversation. It makes me think he wanted to make it very hurtful for you. because normally anyone in your shoes would think something’s wrong, would text, would call. This is what he wanted.
I keep hammering this point. Evaluate men like normal regular humans. If they do something that is considered rude and insulting among normal people then do not deal with them anymore.
Ghosts return especially if you don’t make any attempt to ask why they ghosted. because their cunning little egotistical “plan” did not work out and they feel like something’s missing. In 90% of cases they would ghost on your again if you give them a chance. In fact that’s often the reason for them to reappear. If they didn’t get a chase from you, they’d come back trying to induce it. It makes them feel powerful, observing you reaching out, calling, trying to find out what’s going on. They feel powerful and satisfied. It is all BS that guys ghost because they don’t want to hurt you. Complete and utter BS. Everyone has been ignored at least once in their life time by someone, we all know what it feels like, so don’t you ladies buy into this crap about “not wanting to hurt you”. It is the opposite.
Bust those ghosts to the curb. Zero tolerance. If all women stuck to that the ghosts would not be enjoying their pathetic power games.
kaye
Nat,
Funny you should say he’s a dick..He is also the one who sent me an unsolicited dick pic out of the blue when he knew I was seriously dating someone!! I mean did he reslly think that was a way yo get me back?! I get a picture of a sunset and him asking how I’m doing and the next thing I know I get THAT!!! I told him he was disrespecting me and my boyfriend and I could no longer talk to him or be friends with him.
He actually contacted me when I got engaged saying he is happy for me and wishes he could have had another chance. The guy breaks up with me, then ghosts me and he wants another chance to hurt me? No. And looking back now I can’t even imagine ending up with him instead of my fiancé.
I know the OP thinks right now she wants this guy back but I bet a year from now she’ll have trouble even remembering his name!! He’ll just be the ghost she dated for 6 weeks…good ole what’s his name?!?! Lol
Toni
Thank you all so much for your feedback. Unfortunately, I did message him on day five asking him if all is ok..he replied he has a lot going on that he hadn’t anticipated for..I replied back with that’s cool etc thanks for letting me know. He said he’ll get in touch for a drink. I never responded. That was a week ago. No contact at all since.
You’re right…I need to get this guy out of my head!
XxxKendra
LOL – he didn’t actually let you know. You chased after him and he blew you off and you thanked him for it. PLEASE don’t respond if he ever contacts you again.
Julia
I was seeing this guy for a month and a half and we really had a good connection ( met online). He made it clear that he didnt want to see other people and i didnt want to either, although he kept saying he didnt want to make it official because he wanted to be 100% sure and blah blah blah. Towards the end, i started to relaize that whenever we used to get into little disagreements, the next day he wouldnt text me and i would be the one texting him first. One day, he told me he didnt like the way things were going, so i asked him if he was trying to say that he didnt want to see me anymore and he said that he still wanted to see me (I gave him the opportunity!!!). Anyway he was convinced that i was always pissed when really i wanted to talk about it. I told him that i would stop with the “stupidities” and i even apologized (stupid me). He told me he was thinking even though he accepted my apology and told me he still wanted to see me. Next day, no text. I text him at night asking him whats going on, he never replied. I later found out he blocked me on all social media. Any thoughts? Do you think hes gonna come back? ASAP really need advice right now.
Raven
Julia, I think he’s having his period…
You can do better!Vanessa
Yeah I had one guy completely ghost me. I never ever heard from him again, eventually texted him to see if anything was up but radio silence…what was weird is, about a month later he was liking all my pictures on Instagram. Other times I’ve had them disappear, then message a few months later. If he does come back…do not fall for it! It’s “bread crumbing”, which is even worse.
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