Dating advice for someone with trust issues


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This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Jo Davies 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #897396 Reply

    Jo

    Hello all,

    Hope you are well. I am just here to find some dating advice really and whether it is going well and it is just me and my doubts.

    So I have been on 3 dates with this guy in about 8 days and all 3 went well in which we have done the whole walk and meal thing and SUP with sunset and a bbq.

    He says all the right things like mentioning things we can do in the future and how certain family members would get on etc. I have also told him I am scared because of my past and he said he would never ghost me and would communicate if his feelings changed. He has been quite sweet and paid for most things so far!

    All the dates have gone well but I just feel I am doubting it and think it is maybe myself! The last date went as well as all the others where we got slightly intimate, however I felt he was maybe a little more quiet and less flirty on this one (However he was in pain from sunburn and had said he gets quieter with pain). Since that date he has also been texting slightly less and ringing not as much however we do have our next meet up planned for sat night through to monday! He said in the beginning he has never felt so relaxed with someone before so would his communication get less and less gushing as he feels more comfortable?

    So I am looking for advice for these early stages of dating someone such as how many dates is normal in a week and whether communication changes? Whether I should be worried or it is just me? What sort of happens with dating and the talk of exclusivity? I just need advice on it really as think it is myself not trusting/allowing someone in from my past hurt :(

    #897427 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    My advice for you at this point is to slow it down. Three dates in 8 days is a lot! And now you’re planning a Saturday night-to-Monday date? You’ve been dating this guy less than 2 weeks!

    I have read psychology articles that say a healthy pace for dating a new person is seeing them about once a week, at least for the first several dates. This protects you from getting too caught up and anxious (which is exactly what’s happening here), or building up a fantasy. Of course you can (and should) talk/text between dates, but you should not rush into things. For one thing, you should both have other things going on in your life (friends, family, work)– it’s about balance.

    I’ll be honest with you, I don’t think his talking about the future (what you will do in the future, when he will introduce you to family members) is healthy this early on. Again, it’s too much too soon, it’s projecting a fantasy on someone who is basically a stranger. You two don’t know each other. When you spend a lot of time with someone you barely know, it creates a false sense of intimacy. You feel like you know the person when you don’t, and you build up expectations in your head.

    As for exclusivity, I discussed exclusivity with my bf when we became sexually active. We agreed we would not see others since we had started sleeping together. That was about 5-6 weeks into dating. To me that seems like a very reasonable expectation and an easy conversation to have, frankly.

    Sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear. I think the fact that you are anxious and questioning his communication patterns this early on is a perfect example of why you shouldn’t get this intense with a guy too quickly. From what you have written he sounds like a perfectly nice guy, but you haven’t known him long enough to really know his character.

    At this point you can’t undo what’s already been done, so I would advise you to take a step back, relax, and don’t overly focus on this one guy. Don’t overanalyze everything he does. Just enjoy his company and observe him over time and see if he’s a good fit for you. In the future when you date, take the pace a bit slower.

    #897436 Reply

    Jo

    Hello Liz

    Thanks for taking your time out to reply. I haven’t dated for years so can’t really remember what it was like last time.

    Yeah all your advice has made sense to me and we have agreed to take it slow but maybe we aren’t by the looks of things as the weekend this weekend is already planned so can’t cancel that now either. He’s been more communicative this afternoon so everything seems fine. I think it has been on the intense side because we both agreed that we have never felt so comfortable on the first date with someone and how we feel so relaxed with each other already. He hasn’t got very intimate yet which I like and he does seem like a nice guy, I just don’t want to mess it up so thanks for the advice! Its strange that for the first time I am not feeling fussed on speaking to others.

    But thats what I sort of need as in examples on how others dated initially etc :) but will still go with what feels natural also

    #897479 Reply

    Raven

    You talk about past hurt. What have you done about this?

    #897500 Reply

    Rox

    hi Jo, well things sound great. Too fast or too slow, is up to you.
    Do you want it to be less intense? I don’t see anything wrong so far – and you don’t need to get too sensitive about the communication yet, it’s really been less than 2 weeks nothing is set in stone. Enjoy the time!

    #897658 Reply

    Ewa

    just enjoy yourself and don’t get too attached , if you start thinking you might ruin it , you will more likely ruin it because you will start concentrating more at ruining it than actually enjoying it.
    be present and enjoy the moment

    #897684 Reply

    Jo Davies

    Raven – I have many self help books and trying meditation also am getting help from the doctor and counselling so trying everything…think time is the main healer, also had some awful dating experiences before this which haven’t helped

    Rox – I was the one who said to take it slow originally and about my past hurt etc, I was really honest. However I am actually feeling alright with this pace at the moment which I am surprised about. He also seems okay with it, as the event I am going to with him on sunday my sister will be there and I said I don’t mind going another day if its too much but he didn’t seem to mind, so I think i have to take that as a signal that he is also maybe thinking there is something in this if he is willing to do that! He also rang yesterday for half an hour which helped as I def feel there is a better connection when you actually ring each other than texting

    Ewa – that sounds very true I imagine, I try to relax about it I just think it is my own self esteem and that that is making me think that way, I have always suffered from low self esteem for some reason

    Thanks for all your responses so far!

    #897694 Reply

    Jo Davies

    Also anyone have tips on how to have the talk about whether he is seeing anyone else/sleeping with anyone else when I am ready? As I think things may get physical this weekend. I don’t think he is sleeping with anyone else from what he has said but would like to know the situation really before sleeping with him, so any advice is appreciated! He has said in the past he likes my honesty

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