Dating advice for someone with trust issues

Hello Liz

Thanks for taking your time out to reply. I haven’t dated for years so can’t really remember what it was like last time.

Yeah all your advice has made sense to me and we have agreed to take it slow but maybe we aren’t by the looks of things as the weekend this weekend is already planned so can’t cancel that now either. He’s been more communicative this afternoon so everything seems fine. I think it has been on the intense side because we both agreed that we have never felt so comfortable on the first date with someone and how we feel so relaxed with each other already. He hasn’t got very intimate yet which I like and he does seem like a nice guy, I just don’t want to mess it up so thanks for the advice! Its strange that for the first time I am not feeling fussed on speaking to others.

But thats what I sort of need as in examples on how others dated initially etc :) but will still go with what feels natural also

hi Jo, well things sound great. Too fast or too slow, is up to you.
Do you want it to be less intense? I don’t see anything wrong so far – and you don’t need to get too sensitive about the communication yet, it’s really been less than 2 weeks nothing is set in stone. Enjoy the time!

Raven – I have many self help books and trying meditation also am getting help from the doctor and counselling so trying everything…think time is the main healer, also had some awful dating experiences before this which haven’t helped

Rox – I was the one who said to take it slow originally and about my past hurt etc, I was really honest. However I am actually feeling alright with this pace at the moment which I am surprised about. He also seems okay with it, as the event I am going to with him on sunday my sister will be there and I said I don’t mind going another day if its too much but he didn’t seem to mind, so I think i have to take that as a signal that he is also maybe thinking there is something in this if he is willing to do that! He also rang yesterday for half an hour which helped as I def feel there is a better connection when you actually ring each other than texting

Ewa – that sounds very true I imagine, I try to relax about it I just think it is my own self esteem and that that is making me think that way, I have always suffered from low self esteem for some reason

Thanks for all your responses so far!

So I could do with some more advice if possible please….

The weekend away was amazing and he showed loads of signs of liking me/it going well including:

Eye contact/laughing with me/affection
Paying for a lot
Drove me around his area to show me where his family live and taking me to the place where he gets away from everything and is happy
Opening up to me even more
Intimate sex that was great
Helping me out carrying SUP and generally checking I was okay
He met my sister and I met one or two of his friends
It took ages to say goodbye when we went to leave each other and he stalled me leaving
I asked if he was sleeping with anyone else and he said no
I also mentioned whether he is in this for just fun and he said no again
Was really flirty and still affectionate in front of his friends, he generally felt really happy
His friends knew what job I did and that I was into horses so he had obviously told them about me

The day after he rang me and all was normal and he was saying about meeting again that week. However now communication has dropped right off, he doesn’t answer my calls and doesn’t snap chat anymore. I know he is busy with work as most messages included sorry I have been busy/i am knackered etc. However its got to the point now where he doesnt reply for a few days. I questioned him and asked him has his feelings changed and that he said he wouldnt ghost me….He did reply that dont worry I would ghost you and that he has literally been working all hours and hasn’t even had time for anyone else and won’t for the next few weeks…..

So I replied with a supportive message and said I was thinking his feelings had changed but he would let me know if they have? haven’t heard from him yet since sending it yesterday and finding it hard to deal with this finishing when last time we were together it felt great (Like the most relaxed we have both felt on a date before) I look back to old messages where he was saying he would make some time for me in the summer and he loves my company etc so what has changed since our last meet! Do men go distant etc when busy and stressed? I don’t know what to do if he doesn’t reply either as just cant get my head around what has changed as we haven’t seen each other since? I just trusted what was saying was true and just felt like this was different (Spent a whole weekend together which we felt so comfortable about)…..any advice if this has happened to anyone before and how to deal?

I think there are two issues here. One of them is that you are an extremely anxious partner. How many times are you going to ask him if he’s going to ghost you, or if his feelings for you have changed? Honestly if a guy I were dating did that, it would put me off him. Insecurity is unattractive. I’m sorry to be blunt here.

The other issue is that, yes, it does seem like he’s pulling away. Not answering your calls or messages for days is a pretty big red flag. He may be busy, but people make time for what’s important to them. It’s early days yet, you’ve been dating this guy a month, right? I think it’s unlikely that he would be pulling away this early, even if he were busy or stressed. A month into dating should be the honeymoon period when things flow easily.

Generally it takes guys a few months (3-4) to know if they want a long term relationship with a woman. You can’t read too much into a guy’s actions before the 3 or 4 month mark. If you read this forum you’ll find that’s the general experience that many women have. The fact that this guy was affectionate and sweet to you during the first month of dating is not a surprise. It’s also not shocking that he said one thing (loves your company and will make time for you this summer), but is doing another thing (not answering your calls or contacting you for days). You need to observe the guy’s words and actions for a few months before you can see if he is serious about a long-term relationship with you. In this case, his words and actions do not match.

The fact that he’s stopped answering your calls and takes days to get back to you isn’t a good sign. His attention to you should be escalating at this point if he wants a relationship with you, not waning. Sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear.

I would strongly encourage you to work on your anxiety and not obsessing over whether a guy will ghost you or lose feelings for you…and definitely don’t ask a guy those kinds of questions. It will make you look needy and is a turn off.

Sorry but I think you’ve been too intense and its put him off. Constantly asking if things are OK, if he is going to ghost you etc… its really really really off putting!!

If you are going to date you need to get your anxiety in check because this sort of behaviour really ruins things. He seems to be pulling away now and the only way to deal with that is to back off and pull away too but I suspect the damage might be done.

Men do not like to upset women, so telling him so often that he is disappointing you in his lack of communication etc is just making him feel crappy and has put him off, especially when he was previously doing everything right.

Please try really hard to learn from this and not repeat this anxiety dump thing you have going on! You will enjoy dating a lot more when you learn to give zero f*ucks about men who are not yet your boyfriend!

It was only the last text I sent to him that I said he seemed distant and was he just busy so don’t think I was telling him I was disappointed in his texting all the time, I was supportive about him being busy if anything!

None of us know what’s going on in his head. The truth is that he is becoming less communicative and seems to be pulling away. We can’t know the reason why. Unfortunately this can happen when dating, you just have to accept the risk.

All you can do at this point is mirror him– pull back. Don’t reach out, don’t text, don’t call. Let him come to you. That’s how you’ll be able to gauge his interest.

Picking apart what he said when won’t give you answers. It may be that his feelings have changed. He might not even understand why, so expecting him to answer questions about it won’t get you anywhere. I previously commented on this thread and cautioned you about getting caught up with a guy who seemed to be moving too fast (talking about the future and meeting families within the first 3 dates, etc). Unfortunately guys that start out really intense often burn out really quickly.

Finally, a guy who’s interested in you isn’t too busy for a phone call or failing that, even a text. People make time for what’s important to them, trust me. So that’s no excuse. (And if a guy is truly too busy to make time to talk to or see the person he’s dating– he should not be dating). You don’t want to be with a guy who leaves you wondering.

You are trying way too hard to be the cool girl while being a hot mess underneath. You’re too eager to please and too clingy. You’re what I call a sleeve tugger.

“Hey (tug tug on his sleeve)… is everything OK? Do you still like me? Are we OK? Are you going to leave me? (tug tug) Hey, haven’t heard from you, are you mad at me, did I do something wrong? Are you still there? Have you made up your mind yet if you want to be with me forever? If you’re busy it’s OK, I’ll be right here waiting for you.”

That’s what the energy feels like to him and what he hears in his head when you do and say the things you have been.

Sorry to say it but sounds to me like you think it was a nice weekend, and it may have been in his mind as well, but he’s decided he isn’t into having a relationship with you. He’s telling you he’s busy and not responding. That’s the slow fade. A man would rather gnaw his right arm off than directly tell a woman he’s no longer interested in her – no matter what you agreed with him upfront about being honest. Because you’re the type who will then beg, plead, cry and refuse to let them go. Or get super angry and spiteful over the rejection.

I think this would be a good time to take a break from dating and get yourself centered. You need to show up as yourself in a relationship and not be trying so hard to curry favor.

Hello all

Thanks for all the replies I do appreciate the time as I am at quite a bad place with my mental health at the moment. What I am getting from this is that I will back off and see if anything happens, but probably not! I need to sort my life out for sure I know that but struggling to do so.

I do appreciate the honesty from you all but I don’t think I am one of those Angiebaby as when we discussed ghosting in person it was a mutual chat that came up…. And then I only messaged him with it recently just to see if things had changed (so he had already started to fade before I said anything so wouldn’t be distancing himself cause I am asking things like that only asked him after his communication became less!!) as I am a very blunt but honest and caring person so wanted to know if things are okay! It’s in my nature to be caring and I am one of these people where’s others opinions have always affected me – of people who I care of! I am def not one of those people who would beg and cry at him, I would prefer his blunt honesty and then say thanks for the honesty (which I have already done before) and all the best!

Hi Jo,

Your post read as though you had mentioned if things were ok more than once so sorry if I got that wrong but I will say that even mentioning ghosting smacks of insecurity and clingy behaviour and that’s the vibe I think he is picking up. It might be that the anxiety cycle and constant wondering is just the conversation in your head but that will impact on your energy and what he is receiving from you. I’m not suggesting you are a stage 5 clinger and Angiebaby is a bit harsh in her response but I get why she has picked up that vibe.

Maddie’s advice is brilliant- please listen to her because how she has reframed the situation is spot on! I will certainly be adopting her advice in my dating. You are giving him all the power when the question for you should be whether who he is works for you.

I hope you pull back and things work out for you. Do update us!

I only read your post today I was going to warn you that sometimes people come on really strong in the beginning like this guy did with long dates, 3 dates in 8 days is a lot! Future talk and saying how comfortable they are with you etc sounds a bit like love bombing to me.

I’m sorry but the super long weekend was most likely to move you to include sex. The fact that he pulled away after the weekend away and sex tells me he either just wanted to sleep with you and loved bombed you into it or the weekend was way to intense for him.

I think the reason it felt so good and comfortable with him was he was triggering something in you. I’m so sorry you went through this.

Next time slow it down, if you meet
someone that spinning all the great words at the start slow it down.