This topic contains 17 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Raven 1 month, 1 week ago.
May 27, 2020 at 2:12 pm #791602
My boyfriend is a very affectionate and loving guy, and I initially thought he was the kindest man I’ve ever met. But during conflict, I learned that he can be quite mean and say really spiteful or sarcastic things. He often accuses me of being selfish. At the same time, he has said that I would be easy to manipulate. If he’s really angry and calls me stuff, I sometimes cry. He then accuses me of making myself out to be the victim. One time we had a disagreement, he wrote in a message that he could mince me. He later said that he meant to mince me verbally, because he felt I was totally in the wrong. I should add that he’s not a native English speaker. I’m not saying he doesn’t have the right to be frustrated, I’m just not used to his way of showing anger.
In the beginning, when we talked about past relationships, he asked me if my previous partners had ever hit me. He told me that he had never hit his previous girlfriends, but was surprised to find that some of them had hit him. He also said that he would never hit me. I’ve never talked about such things in any of my previous relationships, so found it a bit odd.
Then, during a recent argument he got quite worked up because he felt like I didn’t get to the point. He said that most men would have hit me or thrown me out of the apartment at this point. When I confronted him about it later, he just said that many men would be so frustrated about my circle talk that they might resort to get violent with me, but he wouldn’t.
I don’t really think he would hit me, but at the same time the things mentioned has made me uneasy. There’s also little things that I didn’t think of in the beginning. He sometimes gently places his hand over my mouth if he thinks I talk too much. And he is rather dominant in bed. Some of the things he praises me for is being youthful, delicate and pure. Not a big deal in itself, but all these things combined has made me wonder. He recently started talking about marriage and kids. Which makes me question if continuing with him would be a mistake? Or am I reading too much into it?May 27, 2020 at 2:41 pm #791603
I find the arguments you are describing quite nasty. And absolutely not a good sign of you being a good match. My man is a bit of a fruitcake when it comes to making mistakes, being punctual etc. Plus he has an opinion about just anything. But he would never even raise his voice at me. I think he would rather eat his hat before doing that. So thats why i feel really cherished by him. I know not all man have to be like that but a guy calling me selfish and all The other things you said shows me he doesnt fight fair or constructive. For me he would be a no or take anger management class first.
Are you the same poster who mentioned her guy was from Nigeria? Not that it matters but its just weird you wrote he is not native english. You think the rest of the world that dont speak english are a barbaric bunch that argue around? So he has a disadvantage? Or he feels discriminated? Or lacks words to fight classy? I cant tellMay 27, 2020 at 2:43 pm #791604
No you are not overreacting. I’m sure there will be loads of advice about narcissism and gaslighting in this case. All I’m going to say is get out now.May 27, 2020 at 2:50 pm #791605
Hi Newbie, thanks for your reply, I appreciate your thoughts. No, my boyfriend is not from Nigeria, he is from Switzerland. And I absolutely don’t think that being non native English speaker is a bad thing, I’m not a native Enlgish speaker myself. I mentioned it because in English, to mince someone sounds rather brutal, and I’m not sure native English speakers would use that expression. I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, that perhaps it wasn’t meant as bad as it sounded.May 27, 2020 at 3:12 pm #791607
Thanks Amber, I didn’t see your reply when I wrote to Newbie. It’s so helpful with some outside perspective.May 27, 2020 at 3:12 pm #791608
Its not just about the mince comment. In general he sounds on the abusive side and sure has little respect for you. Also the comment others would have hit you is repulsive. A guy doesnt have to hit you to be abusive and bad for you. If he would proceed to hitting you, its a long road to get out. Why not get out now.May 27, 2020 at 4:14 pm #791611
He sounds narcissistic and abusive. He also seems to be testing your boundaries. I have a horrible feeling this will get even worse, and it’s unacceptable now.May 27, 2020 at 4:55 pm #791612
This is not a good man!
Imagine your life living with him.
How long have you two been together?May 27, 2020 at 5:21 pm #791613
This is emotional and verbal abuse. It’s not going to improve. This guy has a sadistic streak and has to be right and has to dominate you. Not healthy. This is NOT LOVE, do you hear me??
You are going to be beaten down until you don’t recognize yourself if you stay. GET OUT. I’ve seen this in women around me. It doesn’t end well and they lose time they can never get back.May 27, 2020 at 5:38 pm #791614
NO. You are not overreacting. Your gut/instinct is telling you to protect yourself. He has given you plenty of signs that violence is on his mind- “mincing” you is a threat regardless of what native language someone speaks. If you think you want to talk to him about it, create a safety plan first and at least have your car keys handy if he blows up. Good luck-I know it’s not easy.May 27, 2020 at 6:06 pm #791615
First of all, if your gut is making you wonder if he might be violent, to the point where you have to come to an internet message board to ask– you should listen to your gut.
You’ve said a lot of unsettling things about him. Not just his use of the word “mincing”. He got angry at you during an argument and said other men would have hit you or thrown you out– that’s completely outrageous! He puts his hand over your mouth when he thinks you talk too much- what?! There are so many red flags about this guy’s behavior. What you’re describing is emotional abuse.
You ask in the subject line if he could become violent. The answer is YES. In fact physical abuse begins with emotional/mental abuse. I was in an abusive relationship in my 20s and it started with verbal abuse, comments, put-downs. It escalated to physical abuse after awhile. Your boyfriend is telling you you’re manipulative and selfish- he wants to make you question your own self-worth so that when he starts hitting you, you’ll think you deserve it (for being manipulative, for being selfish, for talking too much, etc). So the answer to your question is absolutely yes, he could become violent.May 27, 2020 at 6:10 pm #791616
Even being “affectionate and loving” fits the abuser mode. There’s a cycle of abuse, that’s how abusers keep you hooked. If they were a$$holes all the time, women wouldn’t stay with them. So they turn on the charm when needed and can be extremely loving and affectionate when it suits them. My ex who abused me could be super loving and charming, would bring me flowers to work, would be affectionate with me at times, he knew all the right things to say and do to keep me hooked. But when things went wrong, they went SO dangerously, violently wrong.May 27, 2020 at 9:59 pm #791630
T from NY
Olivia you absolutely need to get out. I agree all that’s been said and I speak to women about domestic violence every week as part of my occupation. Your intuition is spot on! The physical part of domestic violence can begin after YEARS of being with someone – especially if you became pregnant or have the baby because men know they have you right where they need to keep you close. They will sometimes beg you to have a child (because you’ll be chained to them for life basically and more vulnerable and malleable during the pregnancy) while also becoming jealous and punish you for it later.
The parts that are the most disturbing to me are his speaking of why other men would have hit you already. He’s signaling to you so he can refer back to it someday and blame you. Additionally, that’s he’s also already physically signaling to you by placing his hand over your mouth. There are no words to describe how wrong this is. It’s actually already escalated to abuse.
Please do not feel ashamed or that ANY OF THIS is your fault. Your gut is trying to save you now. Please know how smart you are – how worthy of love. Kind, gentle, totally SAFE love. Also if you worry he might harass you or stalk you if you decide to break it off – call your local domestic violence hotline to request an advocate or a sit down with someone knowledgeable about making an exit plan. We are all wishing you well.May 27, 2020 at 10:50 pm #791638
He’s not here to give his side, and if what you say is true, of course its abusive BUT sometimes people bring out the worst in others in the way they communicate that escalates it to the point you lose it, so to speak.
My younger son was really good at it, whereas he would keep pushing my, and others, buttons until I or we saie things we would never say to others because they have a way to bring out the worse in you. My mother was also this way to the point she could push my dad to the limit where he would feel forced to lash out at her the same way, never ever physical, but verbal because she wouldn’t ‘let it go’ and kept going and going and going. I didn’t always fault my dad for doing it because she just wouldn’t stop until he exploded.
You said he mentioned that you “talk in circles” and I was wondering if you could be doing the same thing, where you keep needing to over explain or argue a point to the point he becomes exasperated? I saw my dad put his hand over my mom’s mouth many times because again, she wouldn’t shut up when he asked or requested it more than two or three times, and when he tried to leave or left, she would friggen follow him until she had “the last word”! Not saying this is you but could it be?
All I will say, is not a matter who is right or who’s wrong but a case of oil and water that is evolving into a miserable and toxic relationship that will get far worse if you stay together. Do NOT put kids in that kind of family environment…that is abusive!May 28, 2020 at 7:21 pm #791658
I was in an abusive relationship — before it became abusive, there were little red flags like this that I schose to ignore or talk myself out of because of my fears. I understand Lane’s point when she says he’s not here to give his side of the story, but nonetheless….
You sound scared of him. It doesn’t matter at this point if you “don’t really think he would hit” you. (your words) It matters that you are scared of him.
I’m sorry dear but step back and read what you posted with a bit of distance.May 29, 2020 at 3:43 am #791696
Agree with Lane 100%.May 29, 2020 at 1:27 pm #791706
Thank you everyone for your thoughts! It’s been really helpful. We’ve been together for 6 months, but things has been kind of rushed. He early on declared that I’m the one. It’s right he’s not here to defend himself, I just haven’t had anyone say the stuff he says to me before. Placing his hand over my mouth never happens when we have a disagreement, rather it’s when everything is good. Like when I’m excited or just telling him something, he will interrupt me with the hand. He talks a lot himself, but I would never do it to him. I tried to bring up the fact that we have quite different communication styles in conflict, but he just dismissed it saying I’m too theoretical and problem focused. If it was up to him we would have been married at this point trying for babies. It’s like all of you wrote, this is not a healthy relationship and I need to leave him. Now I’m just really nervous about his reaction.May 29, 2020 at 6:18 pm #791709
Have everything in order, locks changed, etc… – first…
Do it over the phone NOT in person, then block!
Let one or two of your close friends know, so they can keep an eye on you…