Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Confused… what do I do?
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 1 year, 10 months ago by
Lane.
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Katie
Hi all,
I’ve posted before about a guy I’m seeing for 5 months. We knew each other previous but he was married and I was in a LTR and we’ve always been chatty but nothing more. Then we both found out we’d separated from partners and started to talk as friends which ended up in a FWB situation. We talked about it and both admitted we had feelings for each other and he said we should be exclusive but we both weren’t ready for a girlfriend/boyfriend label as he’s going through his divorce and I’m still untangling my own LTR but we both felt chemistry and compatibility and want to see where things go. He was talking about future and I wasn’t.
After this conversation everything was great and we were seeing each other regularly, chatting daily and then all of a sudden he went cold. He apologised and he said he was just needing space so I gave him that and we’ve not seen each other as much since then or chatted as much although he keeps me updated on some stuff not everything as he was before. This has been ongoing for a month. He’s really pulled back. I just feel like he’s not interested yet he’ll still ask to meet me maybe once a fortnight just not the way we were before. We haven’t slept together in a month either. I told him if he was no longer interested to please let me know and he said yea I definitely would say.
I’ve asked him to meet me this weekend for a walk and a chat and he said yes right away and said he’ll text me tomorrow to confirm.
I’m just so confused about how he is being, he was so keen and interested and now he’s not and it’s making me confused as to where I stand. I’m hoping to have a proper chat tomorrow but don’t want to put pressure on him but if he doesn’t want to be with me I’d rather know than be in this limbo. It’s so difficult right now not knowing what I am to him. I don’t know if I’m overly anxious because of my past or if I’m just being stupid. All the signs point to not interested anymore and maybe he just wants friendship. I know I have to speak to him to find out and I’d rather do it in person than text.
What do you think and what would you do?
Raven
He’s still married… Mee thinks you were a diversion.
Maddie
This is pretty typical for men going through divorces. There’s a lot of similar stories on this forum, and elsewhere. Man starts off very keen, woman is wary that he’s on the rebound and separated but not even divorced yet or very, very recently divorced, guy insists he’s really into her and doesn’t need more time to get over things, then does a 180 because he didn’t actually emotionally deal with his divorce yet and can’t handle anything with a new woman. Even if he’s over the ex because things were bad for a while and he initiated the breakup, it doesn’t mean he’s over the failure of the marriage or that he doesn’t need a while to be alone and process everything.
I’d see it at the moment as it was a nice distraction for you both as you were both going through a difficult time, and then focus on getting over your own breakup and feeling good about being on your own. Maybe eventually he’ll be ready, but it won’t be any time soon. You’re far more likely to get hot and cold behavior from him since divorce is hard. You can’t wait for that and are better off moving on romantically. If he gets legally divorced and eventually is truly ready to show up for a real relationship with you and be a good partner, he’ll let you know through consistent words and actions.
I also don’t think you should continue trying to be just FWB if you have actual feelings for him. I’m sure he cares about you too, but he’s not emotionally available right now.
Lita
Well you should be rational with your decisions: take into account the signs he has shown and look at it like a thing you want to invest or a business… is it safe for you to invest your time, your effort, your feelings and soul in a person like him? According to ehat you wrote he showed initially good signs, then he is strange and absent :intermitent:. Yes we could justify like he has been busy he is exhausted he has problems… but nothing good is gonna come from a business with a non reliable interminent person, save yourself thr pain and your feelings for a new brand story with other person. Usually men show interest signs when they meet a woman, theyre in the stage of hunting and being succesful, getting the love and attention and even more from a girl gaves them a sense of success. Once they got that they could loose interest and commitment, and you should investigate better maybe he is not really separating and maybe has other girls. Just show to him the same that he has showed you, put some distance and look for a person that gives you the time and love that you want. You accept what you think that you deserve.
Katie
Thank you all for your advice.
I think it’s best that I end this before I get even more invested which is going to be so difficult.
mama
Katie, you might want to consider your own behavior as well. If you are still trying to process your own breakup, getting into a rebound relationship where you are so invested in this other [new-ish] person might not be the best situation for you in regard to moving forward.
Put yourself first for a while, figure things out. Good luck to you. :)
Lane
Katie, that is a very wise decision and really the best for both of you. Anyone who’s gone through a divorce/breakup is experiencing a whole host of different emotions, where one day things feel OK, and then ban, the next day you feel like a tidal wave hit you. In a nutshell, he’s in the midst of a divorce tsunami. I know he was grateful for the diversion, as I’m sure you were too, to find some temporary comfort but that’s all it was going to be…temporary.
Rebounding is an emotional band-aid trying to heal a big sucking chest wound. Both of you need a good bit of time, alone, to heal your hearts before it can be fully open and ready to deeply love another again.
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