Confused… crossroads


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This topic contains 26 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Scout 6 days, 2 hours ago.

Viewing 25 posts - 1 through 25 (of 27 total)
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  • #934601 Reply

    Scout

    Let me start with he was my friend and would listen to any issues ive had with dating men. Ive know him since august of last year and he’s seen me cry and have self esteem issues. He was cheated on in the past by his gf of more than 14 years and they had a child together. He barely got over the hurt of that relationship even though it ended years ago and she is now remarried.

    In October he said that we should date and then he changed his mind again so we were friends again. Recently about a month and a half ago we started dating again and officially became a couple. We have shared lots of information about ourselves and our past relationships. We have also said i love you to each other. However, i started a new job recently and i mentioned coworkers of mine and he got upset stating i mention them to much. These coworkers are men.

    Plus he just got over having covid and his father just moved in with him and he is dying. What makes me nervous is that he has’nt really asked me to come over or have dinner this past week. I mean we’ve talked about having kids together and what we would name them and so on. Everything sounds amazing and i do love him unconditionally. He did tell me he’s nervous that he would be cheated on again and sometimes says life would be easier if he was single. I dont want to come off as needy but i do miss him and want to be with him. He’s seen so many sides of me and loves me for who i am.

    My question is, do you think this is a real relationship that will last?

    #934604 Reply

    Raven

    No one can answer your question…

    Have you checked in on him? A dying Father in the house is a lot to deal with…

    #934605 Reply

    Scout

    Yes we talk everyday. I know he has a lot of stressful things going on in his life and i dont want to add to that. I do love him and its scary sometimes.

    #934606 Reply

    Rubi

    He has his dying father living with him. I doubt he would be thinking of having you over for dinner. Maybe be has a lot he’s dealing with at the moment. And he obviously has trust issues due to his past. And you speaking often about your male coworkers, it’s going to make him feel on alert.

    Just make sure he knows you’re there for him. Allow him some time. It’s too early to tell if things won’t last.

    #934619 Reply

    Tammy

    I think your letting your insecurity get the better of you. At such a time with a dying parent around, all his focus would be on his parent. Do you know his parent? Have you ever been introduced to his parent in the past?

    #934653 Reply

    scout

    I stayed with him one night this past weekend and had dinner with him and his family. Everything was great until he was super exhausted and just wanted to go to bed. The next morning we were fooling around i was wanting sex. He kinda brushed it off and said he had to take a shower. I felt dejected and hurt. After his shower i left and gave him a quick side hug and that was it. He didnt text me till after i asked if a family member of his was okay. He texted me asking if i would still be his friend if this didnt work out in case he and i didnt have a physical connection. I feel like hes really pushing me away at this point and seeing me as a second option when i shouldnt be.
    What makes me think this is because two months ago i was about to go on a date with someone else and told him that. He texted back saying “i wont bother you anymore, you deserve to have a good relationship with somebody.”. I of course was sad to lose a friend so i didnt go on the date and went to his house to comfort him because his dad is dying. Now i feel like i shouldnt have done that and let this whole thing go.
    Its so sad because i do love him but i dont want to be his “option”. What should i do?

    #934659 Reply

    Tammy

    I think its ok to say no and maybe he wasnt in the mood. But his message later on doesnt sit well. His actions are confusing. Maybe he is giving you hints that hes not intrstd or maybe hes testing you? But why and for what is not clear..

    I think you should for the next few weeks not take any initiative with this guy. Just let him get in touch and only respond when he does get in touch.

    A very close friend of mine when she was dating a guy had shared her apprehensions with me. The guy wasnt keen to get physical with her but otherwise he was warm and likable. Its only later on that she realised he was doing that bec he was not quite sure if he wantd to be in a relatnship with her.

    I feel you should just observe for the next few weeks. Dont initiate chats or calls, dont approach, dont initiate meetings, dont get confrontational nor seek him out for clarifications. I think you will get to know what his intentions are soon enough.

    #934666 Reply

    Scout

    Thank you Tammy! Yes his actions are very confusing and hes all over the place all the time. He wants to be friends then date, then friends again then date. My emotions are all over the place. He didnt talk to me at all yesterday and pretty much the same this morning. I did post a story on facebook last night and saw that he saw it. Sad thing is when hes not in these moods he a really amazing person and i want to be with him. I get that he has a lot going on but im being supportive of him and listening to him. He shouldnt have asked me to be his girlfriend if he wasnt ready. But im not sure if i mentioned that in early may i was about to go on a date with another man and told him that. He got upset and told me he wished me the best of luck and that i deserve a happy relationship. He was obviously depressed, so i cancelled my date and showed up at his front door which he loved. Ever since then weve been a couple. Now i feel like i shouldnt have done that because he knows i will always run / be availble to him. Was that the wrong choice?

    #934685 Reply

    tammy

    i think you showed by your actions that you cared by cancelling your date and going to see him instead.. but look at his actions. do you see the discrepancy ?? you cant force him or confront him to make up his mind. but this uncertainty is clearly taking a toll on you. as i said, there is only one way to know for sure what he really wants. and that is to let him steer this for a while and see where he tries to take this. tbh, he doesn’t seem to be too sure about this and i think he will bow out.

    #934689 Reply

    Scout

    He isnt make the same effort i am. I feel like everything changed when his sick dad moved in. I want to be supportive and be there for him but i need to feel loved as well. I guess im scared to have this talk because im afraid of what the answer will be. I cant keep doing this back and forth anymore.

    #934691 Reply

    Tammy

    I dont think your really reading what has been posted. You shldnt hv to work so hard and make all the efforts in the relatnship. Pls step back from him, this relatnship. Refocus yr energy on other things in life. I am sure you hv your work, family, friends, hobbies, activities you enjoy, etc. Step wayy back. Let him steer this relatnship for a change. Let go and breathe. Be there in case he needs you or when he reaches out.

    #934701 Reply

    Scout

    Well tammy you were right. He told me last night that he adored me and wanted to be friends and still get desserts and frozen yogurt but he did not want a romantic relationship with me. I am going to give us both some time apart to heal and maybe we can be friends again. I love him and thought that with time he could get used to things but i understand that he has personal things going on right now and cant be with me. I would love to get back together with him and see how things play out.

    #934711 Reply

    Tammy

    At the outset leme apologise if my words sound harsh but u do need to start seeing things as they are. He does not want a romantic relationship with you. And what is your thought?

    “I love him and thought that with time he could get used to things but i understand that he has personal things going on right now and cant be with me. I would love to get back together with him and see how things play out.”

    Please stop making excuses for him. He doesn’t want a romantic relationship with you. Thats all that’s important for you to hear and know. You kept chasing and then cribbing that he isnt makin efforts. Well now you damn well know why you were the only one making all the efforts. Yet instead of accepting the truth, your now again hoping and making excuses for the man.

    Scout i dont think what anyone here says is going to matter bec you hv alteady in your mind made excuses for his outright no to being a romantic partner. I thnk your lucky that he made things clear and said no.. thats closure right there for you. Accept his no, respect his wishes and self and move on.

    Let go and move on. You cant be his friend when you love the man. Make a clean break and walk away. Take time to be sad and heal. Then get back in the dating game for find a man who does want to be in a romantic relationship with you.

    #935724 Reply

    Scout

    Heres an update. Were still friends after everything and we still hangout. Its werid that now we arent a couple he invites me over to hangout with him and his child. When we dated he never asked me that. Im very confused. What changed? Since were friends i can meet your kid? He still treats me like were together, like touching my lower back when we walk to staring into my eyes to kissing me and saying he loves me. Its awfully confusing.

    #935726 Reply

    Ewa

    It’s not confusing! You provide the attention he needs , female company. You don’t want to be friends with this man if you have feelings for him.
    You

    #935730 Reply

    Tallspicy

    All the milk for free is all I have to say. What are you confused about? You are both using the friend thing as an excuse to not really show up. You use the confusion to stop dating healthy men who can give you what you say you want. He uses to have warned you he won’t be giving you what you want. He does love you, but not enough to commit or be a real partner. and by hanging out, you have told him… that’s totally ok, I will hang out for whatever scraps you want to give me.

    #935731 Reply

    Maddie

    He’s got major baggage that he hasn’t actually dealt with. It has left him scared and not able to cope with life stress well. He doesn’t sound like he’s doing much to change that, but it has left him emotionally unavailable for a real relationship. What he’s giving you right now is all he can give to you. It is up to you to decide if you want and deserve more (which it sounds like you do), and to give yourself space from him so you can heal and be open to meeting new men who are available. His issues are not about you, so you can’t fix or change them. When you get too close romantically he’s too scared, and he can use this “friends” situationship to keep you around and enjoy your company and feel safe having you in his life and his kid’s life. Because he can pull away whenever, since you’re just friends and can’t expect more. It’s not necessarily accurate or fair for him to set that expectation, but that’s the conflict here. Your needs (his need for space and yours for connection) don’t align. So respect yourself enough to not accept being in a situation you don’t want, and get over him fully before you resume a friendship.

    #935749 Reply

    Tammy

    Well said. Maddie and tallspicy! Shes ok with whatever bread crumbs he throws her way. I thot she wld have woken up and walked away when the man said no to a romantic relationship after he only proposed to get together romantically!

    If shes happy and grateful to just hang around, with whatever he throws her way, then why will he ever respect her?smh. Really sad.

    #936746 Reply

    Scout

    I think everyone will be happy to know that i dont initiate anything with him anymore. I finally moved on and have been going on dates with other people. If he wants to reach out he can but i wont be his second choice or option anymore. After time away from him i realized i deserve more and wont be waiting around for him. He told me after our breakup that i shouldn’t wait for him and i wont! I cant deal with him anymore thinking he can play with my heart and my feelings.

    #936766 Reply

    Tammy

    Gud to hear from you! Now u just need to block his sorry a**e and never luk back! 2nd choice! 1st choice! Thats all bs. That guy will just string you along, tie you up in knots and keep confusing you!! He knows exavtly how you feel about him hence the games to keep you hooked on . Just pls dont bother at all!! Hes not worth it. You hv wasted enuf time alrdy!!

    #936770 Reply

    Mary

    Try not to think about the relationship and allow the relationship to go to go the path it is intended to go. This is really about whether he has the grit it takes to be in a love relationship.

    #936772 Reply

    Mary

    I’m feeling bad for you, Scout. You are not listening to the good advice to move forward. Instead, you are investing even more with him emotionally. You can love him from a far. My previous post was before reading he did not want a relationship with you.

    #936773 Reply

    Mary

    Nice! I read your last update. My bad.

    #936777 Reply

    Scout

    Yeah i think after not talking for a while it really helps to move on from someone. I think maybe evetually we could be friends but not right now in this stage.

    #936801 Reply

    Lane

    He would not make a good friend, so keep on moving on without him in your life :o)

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