Confused… crossroads


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This topic contains 11 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Scout 4 hours, 31 minutes ago.

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  • #934601 Reply

    Scout

    Let me start with he was my friend and would listen to any issues ive had with dating men. Ive know him since august of last year and he’s seen me cry and have self esteem issues. He was cheated on in the past by his gf of more than 14 years and they had a child together. He barely got over the hurt of that relationship even though it ended years ago and she is now remarried.

    In October he said that we should date and then he changed his mind again so we were friends again. Recently about a month and a half ago we started dating again and officially became a couple. We have shared lots of information about ourselves and our past relationships. We have also said i love you to each other. However, i started a new job recently and i mentioned coworkers of mine and he got upset stating i mention them to much. These coworkers are men.

    Plus he just got over having covid and his father just moved in with him and he is dying. What makes me nervous is that he has’nt really asked me to come over or have dinner this past week. I mean we’ve talked about having kids together and what we would name them and so on. Everything sounds amazing and i do love him unconditionally. He did tell me he’s nervous that he would be cheated on again and sometimes says life would be easier if he was single. I dont want to come off as needy but i do miss him and want to be with him. He’s seen so many sides of me and loves me for who i am.

    My question is, do you think this is a real relationship that will last?

    #934604 Reply

    Raven

    No one can answer your question…

    Have you checked in on him? A dying Father in the house is a lot to deal with…

    #934605 Reply

    Scout

    Yes we talk everyday. I know he has a lot of stressful things going on in his life and i dont want to add to that. I do love him and its scary sometimes.

    #934606 Reply

    Rubi

    He has his dying father living with him. I doubt he would be thinking of having you over for dinner. Maybe be has a lot he’s dealing with at the moment. And he obviously has trust issues due to his past. And you speaking often about your male coworkers, it’s going to make him feel on alert.

    Just make sure he knows you’re there for him. Allow him some time. It’s too early to tell if things won’t last.

    #934619 Reply

    Tammy

    I think your letting your insecurity get the better of you. At such a time with a dying parent around, all his focus would be on his parent. Do you know his parent? Have you ever been introduced to his parent in the past?

    #934653 Reply

    scout

    I stayed with him one night this past weekend and had dinner with him and his family. Everything was great until he was super exhausted and just wanted to go to bed. The next morning we were fooling around i was wanting sex. He kinda brushed it off and said he had to take a shower. I felt dejected and hurt. After his shower i left and gave him a quick side hug and that was it. He didnt text me till after i asked if a family member of his was okay. He texted me asking if i would still be his friend if this didnt work out in case he and i didnt have a physical connection. I feel like hes really pushing me away at this point and seeing me as a second option when i shouldnt be.
    What makes me think this is because two months ago i was about to go on a date with someone else and told him that. He texted back saying “i wont bother you anymore, you deserve to have a good relationship with somebody.”. I of course was sad to lose a friend so i didnt go on the date and went to his house to comfort him because his dad is dying. Now i feel like i shouldnt have done that and let this whole thing go.
    Its so sad because i do love him but i dont want to be his “option”. What should i do?

    #934659 Reply

    Tammy

    I think its ok to say no and maybe he wasnt in the mood. But his message later on doesnt sit well. His actions are confusing. Maybe he is giving you hints that hes not intrstd or maybe hes testing you? But why and for what is not clear..

    I think you should for the next few weeks not take any initiative with this guy. Just let him get in touch and only respond when he does get in touch.

    A very close friend of mine when she was dating a guy had shared her apprehensions with me. The guy wasnt keen to get physical with her but otherwise he was warm and likable. Its only later on that she realised he was doing that bec he was not quite sure if he wantd to be in a relatnship with her.

    I feel you should just observe for the next few weeks. Dont initiate chats or calls, dont approach, dont initiate meetings, dont get confrontational nor seek him out for clarifications. I think you will get to know what his intentions are soon enough.

    #934666 Reply

    Scout

    Thank you Tammy! Yes his actions are very confusing and hes all over the place all the time. He wants to be friends then date, then friends again then date. My emotions are all over the place. He didnt talk to me at all yesterday and pretty much the same this morning. I did post a story on facebook last night and saw that he saw it. Sad thing is when hes not in these moods he a really amazing person and i want to be with him. I get that he has a lot going on but im being supportive of him and listening to him. He shouldnt have asked me to be his girlfriend if he wasnt ready. But im not sure if i mentioned that in early may i was about to go on a date with another man and told him that. He got upset and told me he wished me the best of luck and that i deserve a happy relationship. He was obviously depressed, so i cancelled my date and showed up at his front door which he loved. Ever since then weve been a couple. Now i feel like i shouldnt have done that because he knows i will always run / be availble to him. Was that the wrong choice?

    #934685 Reply

    tammy

    i think you showed by your actions that you cared by cancelling your date and going to see him instead.. but look at his actions. do you see the discrepancy ?? you cant force him or confront him to make up his mind. but this uncertainty is clearly taking a toll on you. as i said, there is only one way to know for sure what he really wants. and that is to let him steer this for a while and see where he tries to take this. tbh, he doesn’t seem to be too sure about this and i think he will bow out.

    #934689 Reply

    Scout

    He isnt make the same effort i am. I feel like everything changed when his sick dad moved in. I want to be supportive and be there for him but i need to feel loved as well. I guess im scared to have this talk because im afraid of what the answer will be. I cant keep doing this back and forth anymore.

    #934691 Reply

    Tammy

    I dont think your really reading what has been posted. You shldnt hv to work so hard and make all the efforts in the relatnship. Pls step back from him, this relatnship. Refocus yr energy on other things in life. I am sure you hv your work, family, friends, hobbies, activities you enjoy, etc. Step wayy back. Let him steer this relatnship for a change. Let go and breathe. Be there in case he needs you or when he reaches out.

    #934701 Reply

    Scout

    Well tammy you were right. He told me last night that he adored me and wanted to be friends and still get desserts and frozen yogurt but he did not want a romantic relationship with me. I am going to give us both some time apart to heal and maybe we can be friends again. I love him and thought that with time he could get used to things but i understand that he has personal things going on right now and cant be with me. I would love to get back together with him and see how things play out.

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